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He's gotten a lot better? Here is where part of the problem lie. You want him to change to the way you want him to be instead of letting him be himself.
A while ago some talk show radio personality discussed this issue with radio callers. The radion caller was complaining about her husband not listening. The talk show individual simply said, you want your husband to react like a woman? Just go to your girlfriends and do so. Men are not trying to change you into a woman and demand you act like them are they? Yet here are women are demanding men be like them!
That is why dating is for. Get to know the guy and if you see he is not the listener to the degree you want, then go on with your life and find the guy that fits your needs. We men are not out there demanding you women change for us.
This also reminds me of so many women that when they are dating do so many things they do not really like for the boyfriend, once they are married now they want the men to change.
I had a friend that his girlfriend used to go and see him play at the local baseball league's every game. Once they got married she said he had to stop playing. He flat out told her he was married to baseball a long time before he met her. Who assumed the wrong thing? In my opinion she did and that happend because dating is not used to see who that person really is like, take care.
I don't think that's what justthe6ofus was saying
It's not about trying to CHANGE one another - it's about UNDERSTANDING the different communication styles of men and women and working together to improve communication in our relationships.
You are supposed to deliberate on the issues and come up with solutions. Empathy is important. Some people deal with their problems slower than others, etc. That's all I could come up with.
This answer came up fast. This was exactly what I had in mind. When somebody complains and it is your SO, try to look past the complaining and go to the source and come up with a solution. No berating! Most of the time, the complainer knows what the solution is and just wants somebody to listen but for other things, they may not be able to think of a solution.
Like the time I complained about gmail and that was never the problem. If my husband ignored me then I would still be having the problem and still be complaining.
It's not about trying to CHANGE one another - it's about UNDERSTANDING the different communication styles of men and women and working together to improve communication in our relationships.
I think you missed my reply to her after she read my post, take care.
I liked this article, thanks for posting it. #2 and #5 slapped me right in the face.
I still don't know how we're supposed to talk to men. No matter when you approach them with a problem (no I would never try and talk something out with my man as soon as he walks in the door or before we go to bed), they never seem to want to deal with it. They either shut you out or somehow make you feel like you’re being stupid.
The men I have encountered anyway!
I found this comment to be so true!:
”the article suggests that women's concerns are trivial and we need men to condescend to us, and that men are verbally-challenged cave dwellers who cringe at the very thought of either expressing or acknowledging an emotion”.
Last edited by *VaNiLlaGoRrilLa*; 01-27-2011 at 03:50 PM..
Psychology is like Religion. We have believers and Non-believers. You know where I stand.
Except that psychology actually has science to back it up. Religion doesn't. Your response reminds me of the climate change deniers. They've made up their mind the climate change is a myth and therefore dismiss any science that proves it's real as just BS.
Quote:
Originally Posted by crisan
When somebody complains and it is your SO, try to look past the complaining and go to the source and come up with a solution. No berating! Most of the time, the complainer knows what the solution is and just wants somebody to listen but for other things, they may not be able to think of a solution.
This contradicts what a lot of women say. Many don't actually want the man to attempt to solve the problem. They simply want him to listen. Besides, if the complaining is about something with no solution or something completely silly, then are you simply supposed to sit there and listen? I don't think that's fair to the person doing the listening. A good partner should be there to talk to, but you should also respect them enough to know where to draw the line.
I don't know why but my husband takes it very personally when I'm stressed out and/or not happy. If I'm venting about a bad day (even if it has nothing to do with him) he takes it upon his shoulders and is burdened by it.
So I've learned to not vent to him very often unless I really need his help. Even then I keep it as short as possible and not get into too many details. His capacity to absorb nuances is limited.
If I say to him "My neck is sore", he'll book me an appointment for a massage so fast it'll make my head spin. Maybe all I really wanted was for him to order take out and kiss my neck!
I don't know why but my husband takes it very personally when I'm stressed out and/or not happy. If I'm venting about a bad day (even if it has nothing to do with him) he takes it upon his shoulders and is burdened by it.
My guy is exactly the same.
However if he has had a terrible day and wants to come home and curse and talk about all the a-holes at work, I am expected to listen intently. Why is that?
Yes, mine too! And I do listen intently to all of his venting. If I offer suggestions or if I don't agree with the way he handled things, he gets irritated. So I just listen unless he specifically asks for my advice.
I don't know why it is like that, Vanilla. Men are weird.
Yes, mine too! And I do listen intently to all of his venting. If I offer suggestions or if I don't agree with the way he handled things, he gets irritated. So I just listen unless he specifically asks for my advice.
I don't know why it is like that, Vanilla. Men are weird.
Same here!!
I feel like a student who has to take in every little thing he has said, and if I repeat the story “so, this and this happened?” or offer advice and I get it wrong, he gets agitated, tells me I am “missing the point!” and things like that.
I think I will take a leaf out of your book and just listen from now on.
Amazing how we have to cop all that but they can’t listen to one emotional thing we have to say without tuning out.
There's an underlying, unspoken implication that his concerns are of paramount importance while whatever is bothering me is probably unimportant and trivial. I would be offended by this except for the fact that it's usually true.
However, I was a defendant in a trial last week and I didn't even bother to tell him about it because he's been under a lot of stress and pressure. I was nervous about it but I knew that he was too busy with his own problems and did not have the capacity to be much support for me. I didn't want to add more stress on his shoulders. So I put on my big girl panties and went to court alone. After I won the case, I told him all about it.
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