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You can't be angry at yourself when you yourself admits you have a good moral compass. The fact is, he's managed to worm himself back in, didn't like the direction it was going i.e., his way and now he's mad. Oh well and boo hoo. I say good riddance to the jerk. You tried and it didn't work. Nothing else you could have done any differently, ok? Now be happy! LOL
hey guys, and thanks for asking justjulia. we have been talking- but only to bury the hatchet. i was so consumed with anger that to me the only thing to do was to lay it down. so i did. i will be moving in a month and will be beyond his reach, thousands of miles away. so there goes that. in the meantime we may get a beer or something, and he has apologized tearfully to me which makes me feel better. he feels horrible now and is it terrible to say that that makes me feel better? it does. it really does. and knowing that i won't have to deal with him anymore is a great relief, and i just dont' want to the karmic load of leaving in hatred. its not good. so we are being friendly and have talked on the phone a couple times and may hang out, but he knows its over and i know its over and i am not having sex with him!!!!!!!
thanks for all the advice and concern guys. hugggggggery!
Move and BE HAPPY!! You deserve it... There are many wonderful men and sometimes hard to find. But mostly just learn to know yourself and love yourself. Do what you enjoy and don't worry about finding another man. Have fun!!
hey guys, and thanks for asking justjulia. we have been talking- but only to bury the hatchet. i was so consumed with anger that to me the only thing to do was to lay it down. so i did. i will be moving in a month and will be beyond his reach, thousands of miles away. so there goes that. in the meantime we may get a beer or something, and he has apologized tearfully to me which makes me feel better. he feels horrible now and is it terrible to say that that makes me feel better? it does. it really does. and knowing that i won't have to deal with him anymore is a great relief, and i just dont' want to the karmic load of leaving in hatred. its not good. so we are being friendly and have talked on the phone a couple times and may hang out, but he knows its over and i know its over and i am not having sex with him!!!!!!!
thanks for all the advice and concern guys. hugggggggery!
This post makes me worry. You may be the type of person who is attracted to abusers/manipulators. You may have a good moral compass, but I suspect your "emotional compass" is a bit off. Generally, that means, the guys who you think are a "10" in the nice department, probably are the opposite.
This may sound odd, but you may have to look for guys who you find are a little less attractive to you (not unattractive, but somewhat less attractive).
Moving far away may solve the problem with this guy, but it won't fix the underlying problem if you're attracted to abusers.
Most likely you get some kind of unhealthy emotional payoff from the drama you've had with this guy...which is why you're still talking to him. You're going to need to learn to give up that emotional payoff if you want to have healthy relationships with men.
From what you have said, he seems controlling and manipulative. Two things I can't deal with at all. It sounds like you need to just get away from this person and be on your merry way in life. I think you would be better off.
hey guys, and thanks for asking justjulia. we have been talking- but only to bury the hatchet. i was so consumed with anger that to me the only thing to do was to lay it down. so i did. i will be moving in a month and will be beyond his reach, thousands of miles away. so there goes that. in the meantime we may get a beer or something, and he has apologized tearfully to me which makes me feel better. he feels horrible now and is it terrible to say that that makes me feel better? it does. it really does. and knowing that i won't have to deal with him anymore is a great relief, and i just dont' want to the karmic load of leaving in hatred. its not good. so we are being friendly and have talked on the phone a couple times and may hang out, but he knows its over and i know its over and i am not having sex with him!!!!!!!
thanks for all the advice and concern guys. hugggggggery!
The fact that his "remorse" makes you feel better explains how his ugliness gets to you the way it does. It really shouldn't matter either way. He shouldn't have the ability to make you feel better or worse about yourself.
He is an emotional vampire, as you well know, constantly challenging your dignity and loyalty. I find that these people typically cannot be trusted themselves and will never see any good in anyone. It is clear he is still emotionally abusive, what could you possibly gain by keeping him around? Having mutual friends doesn't obligate you to have any contact with him. You don't owe him anything. And I am sure any friend who truly loves you would not want to be the reason (or excuse) for you to stay friendly with someone who sucks the life out of you.
I really hope you will reconsider. Otherwise, you will be back here after a while regretting it, again. *hugs*
I agree with the people who say just cut him out of your life completely. You don't need to worry about him at all. Also, keeping in touch or going out for a beer does not seem like the thing to do. He needs to be out of your life for you to be able to move one. His feelings should not even be a consideration of yours. You do not have to hate him; just ignore him.
This post makes me worry. You may be the type of person who is attracted to abusers/manipulators. You may have a good moral compass, but I suspect your "emotional compass" is a bit off. Generally, that means, the guys who you think are a "10" in the nice department, probably are the opposite.
This may sound odd, but you may have to look for guys who you find are a little less attractive to you (not unattractive, but somewhat less attractive).
Moving far away may solve the problem with this guy, but it won't fix the underlying problem if you're attracted to abusers.
Most likely you get some kind of unhealthy emotional payoff from the drama you've had with this guy...which is why you're still talking to him. You're going to need to learn to give up that emotional payoff if you want to have healthy relationships with men.
thanks for worrying tyger : )....but this is the first time, at the age of 37, that i have ever had a relationship like this. i have not, since being a teenager, been attracted to creeps. most of my exes i am still friends with. hell, i am even friends with my ex husband's new wife! it has always been foreign to me to have nasty breakups and hold grudges. i just don't like to operate that way. just because someone isn't right for you doesn't mean you have to hate them. ergo, i have tried to remain friends with people and my best friend is an ex from about a decade ago! i think the fact that i have never experienced this, thought i was smarter than that, is what made it difficult to see in the first place. it has been very corrosive and he doesn't fit the profile of an abuser. he has never thrown me against a wall or anything. i have just never had to deal with this sort of thing. i have had good relationships with good men and i guess i figured that i could spot the bad guys. i was wrong in this case.
i DON'T get ANY payoff from this drama. i have broken up with him a dozen times. i have tried and tried and tried to get away. then i go and try again. it is VERY difficult for me to give up on things sometimes. my father was a drunk and i spent alot of time trying to get him to stop drinking. so i know that i am less likely to give up on people because of that. and i have had a few friends in my life that i have had to walk away from but i know when i am trying to save something, i am trying to save my father by proxy, if you will. and i never want to be the type of person who gives up on something that could, with some hard work, turn out to be something beautiful. and that is the mindset that kept me trying. and it became a vicious cycle because ALOT of chaos has happened in my life in the last two years. i have been in a car accident, been homeless, lost my job, had a miscarriage, my mother got cancer, friend OD'd, have moved several times- its just been an unusually unstable time in my life. a hurricane. and it has made me more vunerable than i have been in the past. more likely to try and make something work, etc.
and i have always been the kind of person who took things to heart- i talked with my mom last night and she is really one of my best friends, and she said she had always known that about me since i was a kid, and said, "they are just WORDS. they can only hurt you if you let them". i always feel like i have to defend myself when he accuses me f things that i KNOW i didn't do. but it occurs to me today that this lifelong habit isn't doing me any good. i shouldn't feel the need to defend myself at all. i haven't done anything wrong.
anyway yes, i tried to bury the hatchet with him and it didn't work. i went to the park yesterday and he showed up there. by park i mean GRIFFITH park and its a huge park, but he drove around looking for me. he showed up at my place. called me five times. maybe i have to get the cops involved. i don't fear for my own safety, i fear for his, because he is pushing me up against a wall over and over. and its my fault really, for trying to be friendly and civilized with the guy. i should know better.
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