Estranged From Parent=Red flag? (younger, relations, reasons, serious)

[cpg35223]

Originally Posted by donie1

Now I can understand where your coming from, CPG, on being angry with those of us that are estrange or close to estrange from our families.

I can assure you that your friend, Cole is the exception to the rule. I don't know anyone like him that would actually estrange himself from his family for such petty crap.

Unfortunately, even though his parents were perfect in every way, they spoiled him so badly that he is useless. They should have kicked his butt when he started that behavior. It's too late now so they are stuck with him and he will never amount to anything, it sounds like.

Actually, I can name multiple examples of similar people in my life. But suffice it to say that when I hear a 30- or 40-something nursing serious grudges against his or her parents, I look and listen very carefully. Yes, they might have had awful parents. Then again, they simply might not be very nice people. That's why it's a Yellow flag to me.

[beachmel]

Originally Posted by cpg35223

Actually, I can name multiple examples of similar people in my life. But suffice it to say that when I hear a 30- or 40-something nursing serious grudges against his or her parents, I look and listen very carefully. Yes, they might have had awful parents. Then again, they simply might not be very nice people. That's why it's a Yellow flag to me.

Yes.....LOL, because of quite a few examples of those "entitled, spoiled, ungrateful" kids, I too am speculative. That's why it's so important to keep an open mind and dig a little deeper. Usually, folks who are estranged from their parents and/or family in general, have no problem telling you why (at least their version of it). You can then make your own judgement call. Are they petty brats or are their parents creeps who should never have had children. Some people are destructive and selfish, as well as being mentally ill. The havoc they are capable of wreaking upon others is mind blowing!

Unfortunately, something I see more and more often these days are young people who virtually victimized their parents, made their lives a living hell, never forgave their parents for not being their "pawns" and limitless bank accounts, can't forgive their parents for not bailing them out of every scrap they ever got into...but they expect their parents to completely forget and forgive every transgression the children visited upon them. They estrange themselves from their parents because they won't pretend that they were completely destructive and rotten. They never feel as if they have to "prove" themselves to their parents. However, yes, there are parents who are mentally unstable enough to disown a child because they broke a china vase at the age of 7, too! One size doesn't fit all. Some things can't be fixed. You have to look at everything on a case by case basis.

[Purple_Princess]

Originally Posted by bluesky42day

In a nutshell, they're racist. I'm originally from a small town in TN & was essentially disowned after getting into a relationship, as an adult, who at that point had lived on my own for several years, with a man who is black.

Even though he & I are no longer together, my parents & I are just now starting to put back the pieces to our relationship because I lost respect for them & there was a lot of hurt involved. I can't imagine raising a child & then disowning them over something so superficial, but unfortunately it still happens.

Courtney

In my mind thats emotional abuse. Disowning you isn't the same as you choosing to not speak to them.

[Purple_Princess]

Originally Posted by donie1

Yes, keep on following CPG on this thread were he gives you a boost on saying such ignorant shyt. I will not reply back to you and your ignorance. You apparently don't read or can't comprehend someone else's family history misery. Yeah, keep up the drivel.

I don't even know who that is but my opinions are my own and I have seen this happen many times. Marry a man who hates his mother and see what kind of husband you get. Its actually ignorant to commit to someone without knowing where they come from and how they deal with conflict. You really need to calm down too.

[beachmel]

Originally Posted by Purple_Princess

I don't even know who that is but my opinions are my own and I have seen this happen many times. Marry a man who hates his mother and see what kind of husband you get. Its actually ignorant to commit to someone without knowing where they come from and how they deal with conflict. You really need to calm down too.

To a certain extent, this is true....for SOME men. It is, however, not always the case. How many times have we seen it said that, women who hated their fathers, make poor wives?

Many people come through those situations and have perfectly fine marriages as well. If a woman hated her father, she is most likely going to end up with a many who reminds her the least, of her father. The same is true for a man looking for a wife. That wife (if the marrage is going to work), will likely be someone who not only dislikes women who are like his mother, but she is going to be a whole different kind of person.

Not all women are alike, nor are all men...we know this. A prudent person, when looking for a spouse, should be turned off by the men/women who remind me of the father/mother they despised. Unfortunately, that doesn't always work. I've seen men and women marry someone who is just LIKE the parent they despised....thinking that their new spouse would be able to somehow protect them from their parent...only to end up despising them for being who they are.

[Purple_Princess]

Originally Posted by beachmel

To a certain extent, this is true....for SOME men. It is, however, not always the case. How many times have we seen it said that, women who hated their fathers, make poor wives?

Many people come through those situations and have perfectly fine marriages as well. If a woman hated her father, she is most likely going to end up with a many who reminds her the least, of her father. The same is true for a man looking for a wife. That wife (if the marrage is going to work), will likely be someone who not only dislikes women who are like his mother, but she is going to be a whole different kind of person.

Not all women are alike, nor are all men...we know this. A prudent person, when looking for a spouse, should be turned off by the men/women who remind me of the father/mother they despised. Unfortunately, that doesn't always work. I've seen men and women marry someone who is just LIKE the parent they despised....thinking that their new spouse would be able to somehow protect them from their parent...only to end up despising them for being who they are.

Unfortunately, too many children choose someone like their parent in the subconscious hope of a "do-over". Fortunately for good sound mates they don't fit the bill of the defective parent and escape being trapped in that type of marriage.

[TKramar]

I was about to say about the same thing about an S.O. who talks to their parents every day.

I wouldn't like it. It's OUR life, or HER life, and MY life (if we were not together). Parents have a place, but it shouldn't be in the lives of their adult children.

I recognize that some people maintain close relationships with parents, but I wouldn't be comfortable with someone like that.

[beachmel]

Originally Posted by TKramar

I was about to say about the same thing about an S.O. who talks to their parents every day.

I wouldn't like it. It's OUR life, or HER life, and MY life (if we were not together). Parents have a place, but it shouldn't be in the lives of their adult children.

I recognize that some people maintain close relationships with parents, but I wouldn't be comfortable with someone like that.

Now to me, this could be a possible red flag! If I met someone who had an amazing relationship with their parents...a "friend" relationship with them. I'd think that was wonderful. If they had to call them for every little thing or had to speak to them everyday, or couldn't make a decision without their input, that might not be a great thing, but if they loved spending time with them because they were so incredibly easy to be around...and they embraced ME with open arms as well...you bet it would be a big green GO!

[donie1]

Originally Posted by beachmel

Now to me, this could be a possible red flag! If I met someone who had an amazing relationship with their parents...a "friend" relationship with them. I'd think that was wonderful. If they had to call them for every little thing or had to speak to them everyday, or couldn't make a decision without their input, that might not be a great thing, but if they loved spending time with them because they were so incredibly easy to be around...and they embraced ME with open arms as well...you bet it would be a big green GO!

I agree, Beach! That would be a perfect family relationship to me.

[AK-Cathy]

Unless one believes in karma and reincarnation, no one gets to choose their parents. The losers of the parental lottery could be considered merely unfortunate in that regard and may be fine, upstanding, mature people and decent mate material. That said, the ills of the parents are often enough visited on their children making them a poor choice for a long term relationship if they haven't dealt with or are working through their issues of abuse or neglect. And there are plenty of self absorbed twits with good enough parenting out there that cut people off with little or no provocation. IOW, you won't know until you investigate the terms of the estrangement further.

So how do you know? You get to know the person. You find out their story. You look at them [b]clearly[b] in stressful situations. You decide whether the baggage that comes with them is worth the time to deal with and we all come with baggage of one sort or another. For some it's a small carry-on, for others it's several steamer trunks of horror that haven't been opened in 20 years. You decide how much is too much, with good intel.

Some people that had terrible parenting have or are working through their issues. In those cases, estrangement or distancing often is a sign of good judgement and boundary setting. And like others have said, some dependent adults make a poorer mate than others withdrawn from their families.

It's not a black or white, either or issue, though judging by the responses, it's surely an emotional one. It's up to the individual to decide what they can or can't live with. Rather than assign a flag color, it's like everything else that counts in a relationship, such as thoughts regarding money, sexual behaviors and other potential deal breakers: Examine closely with an open but thoughtful mind.

Good luck to you.