Estranged From Parent=Red flag? (children, call, friend, daughter)

[picklejuice]

Originally Posted by CoffeeChick

One question: What would you say in the case of someone whose parent or parents has/have continued to be rude, toxic, nasty or otherwise highly objectionable in their treatment of said person well into said person's thirties? Trust me, I know people in their thirties and even forties whose parents are complete and utter jerks toward them, and it isn't because there's anything wrong with the kids. The parents are just not nice people. Being a parent doesn't automatically make one a decent person, and parenthood shouldn't be seen as conveying some sort of free ticket to behave like an a**hole toward one's own offspring (or to anyone).

Note that I'm not saying this is the case with the OP's potential SO. I don't have that kind of inside information. But you brought up a point that made it sound like you don't think anyone could ever have a good reason for not wanting a relationship with a parent, like it's all about adolescent stuff, and I felt compelled to point out that for some people, like my best friend, it isn't. Hell, I spent several years semi-estranged from my own father over some awful crap he pulled when I was 30, although in our case we worked it out due to necessity (he got sick, and I'm his only child, so it was my job to take care of him).

Basically, sh*t can happen way into adulthood, and has to be taken into account, I think.

Right on!

[pkrplr1]

Originally Posted by sierraAZ

Same here - the less family, the better!

i have a large family and my wife loves them just like i do. we hang out and do stuff regularly. the bigger the family the better in some cases. her family on the other hand...

[cpg35223]

Originally Posted by donie1

Before you go generalizing about trivial things your parents might have done to you in childhood, there are some of us that have legitimate reasons why we are estrange from our families.

Both of my parents had alcohol and mental illness issues and along with those diseases come instability,cruel, harsh and belittling behavior.

So stop the preaching of nonsense. Very, very little of the population whine about their parents slighting them with petty things.

Actually, my father had very serious mental illness issues stemming from depression. So much for that argument out of you.

Instead, I would say that somebody who is grappling with that deserves a little more compassion out of their adult children rather than distance.

Again, back to my original thesis. Far more of the complaining I hear from people estranged from parents has to do with either a) the trivial and petty or b) the thin-skinned. So what if your parents still want to tell you how to live your life. You have the option to say, "Thanks, Mom and Dad for raising me, but you don't have to tell me what to do anymore." You should try it. It works a lot better than nursing some grudge forever and ever.

[donie1]

Originally Posted by cpg35223

Actually, my father had very serious mental illness issues stemming from depression. So much for that argument out of you.

Instead, I would say that somebody who is grappling with that deserves a little more compassion out of their adult children rather than distance.

Again, back to my original thesis. Far more of the complaining I hear from people estranged from parents has to do with either a) the trivial and petty or b) the thin-skinned. So what if your parents still want to tell you how to live your life. You have the option to say, "Thanks, Mom and Dad for raising me, but you don't have to tell me what to do anymore." You should try it. It works a lot better than nursing some grudge forever and ever.

Oh, I don't hold any grudges at all. I just won't go through the drama and chaos that certain people bring. Life is way too short to have to deal with those type of people. Even though I'm not too close to my mother, I do make sure I'm there for her when she needs me. Other then that, I hold her at arm's length so I don't get caught up in her drama. I just won't allow myself to go through that ever again.

And some people of mental illness are generous, loving people like my aunt. My mother, a different story. Some are quite vengeful, hateful and mean.

[CoffeeChick]

Originally Posted by cpg35223

Again, back to my original thesis. Far more of the complaining I hear from people estranged from parents has to do with either a) the trivial and petty or b) the thin-skinned. So what if your parents still want to tell you how to live your life. You have the option to say, "Thanks, Mom and Dad for raising me, but you don't have to tell me what to do anymore." You should try it. It works a lot better than nursing some grudge forever and ever.

You know, you can tell your parents that until you are blue in the face, but it doesn't always work. Some parents will STILL insist on getting into your business at every turn, or even attempt to actively sabotage your life in order to get you to do things their way. This happened to my best friend and it actually went so far as to cost her custody of her daughter after her divorce. That was almost fifteen years ago, and it still affects her every day of her life, since it has deprived her of the joy and privilege of raising her only child. Instead, my friend's toxic, Stepford-esque parents have raised the girl themselves.

Incidentally, the child is now eighteen and a senior in high school, and as soon as she can realistically arrange it, she plans to distance herself from her grandparents. Though her relationship with her mother has been damaged to some extent as well by all of this. Nice going, Mom and Dad P., you managed to screw up TWO generations for the price of one.

I think this is a lot more than thin skin, or "I didn't get a pony."

[cpg35223]

Originally Posted by CoffeeChick

You know, you can tell your parents that until you are blue in the face, but it doesn't always work. Some parents will STILL insist on getting into your business at every turn, or even attempt to actively sabotage your life in order to get you to do things their way. This happened to my best friend and it actually went so far as to cost her custody of her daughter after her divorce. That was almost fifteen years ago, and it still affects her every day of her life, since it has deprived her of the joy and privilege of raising her only child. Instead, my friend's toxic, Stepford-esque parents have raised the girl themselves.

Incidentally, the child is now eighteen and a senior in high school, and as soon as she can realistically arrange it, she plans to distance herself from her grandparents. Though her relationship with her mother has been damaged to some extent as well by all of this. Nice going, Mom and Dad P., you managed to screw up TWO generations for the price of one.

I think this is a lot more than thin skin, or "I didn't get a pony."

Seriously? Under what circumstances did your friend lose her daughter to her parents after the divorce? How did the parents manage to finagle a family court into giving them control of the child? It doesn't add up, because that simply doesn't happen unless there are serious extenuating circumstances, circumstances that can be substantiated with evidence rather than hearsay. I call baloney on that.

I don't know. Maybe your friend isn't telling you the whole story. But I really, really doubt that some family court judge simply said, "Here. I'm going to arbitrarily send this little girl to live with her grandparents."

[CoffeeChick]

Originally Posted by cpg35223

Seriously? Under what circumstances did your friend lose her daughter to her parents after the divorce? How did the parents manage to finagle a family court into giving them control of the child? It doesn't add up, because that simply doesn't happen unless there are serious extenuating circumstances, circumstances that can be substantiated with evidence rather than hearsay. I call baloney on that.

I don't know. Maybe your friend isn't telling you the whole story. But I really, really doubt that some family court judge simply said, "Here. I'm going to arbitrarily send this little girl to live with her grandparents."

Dude, I don't know how much you know about Ohio, especially the particular part of it where this happened, but corruption is rampant in the court system, and money talks. The parents in this case are LOADED, and the daughter (my friend) is not. At the time of the divorce, she was newly diagnosed with severe asthma and was having major health problems as a result. She is also bipolar (a relatively mild case) and while IMO both of her parents have psych issues of their own that would be a doctoral student's wet dream as far as thesis material goes, her parents were able to connive their way into getting custody of their granddaughter through the use of bribery and threats (the latter in the form of threatening to cut off all help to the daughter AND granddaughter then and in the future - not something one wants to hear when one is in the process of a messy divorce, has almost zero funds, and is currently under treatment for a physical illness). Her parents promised it would be only a temporary arrangement, but then reneged and after a while they even began to play fast and loose with the visitation orders (which I myself have read, and yes, I speak legalese) to the point where my friend had to get a lawyer of her own just to be able to see her daughter more than once a month under orders that stipulated twice per week.

So you can take your supercilious attitude and... well, this is polite company, but I trust you have an imagination. Use it.

[cpg35223]

Originally Posted by CoffeeChick

Dude, I don't know how much you know about Ohio, especially the particular part of it where this happened, but corruption is rampant in the court system, and money talks. The parents in this case are LOADED, and the daughter (my friend) is not. At the time of the divorce, she was newly diagnosed with severe asthma and was having major health problems as a result. She is also bipolar (a relatively mild case) and while IMO both of her parents have psych issues of their own that would be a doctoral student's wet dream as far as thesis material goes, her parents were able to connive their way into getting custody of their granddaughter through the use of bribery and threats (the latter in the form of threatening to cut off all help to the daughter AND granddaughter then and in the future - not something one wants to hear when one is in the process of a messy divorce, has almost zero funds, and is currently under treatment for a physical illness). Her parents promised it would be only a temporary arrangement, but then reneged and after a while they even began to play fast and loose with the visitation orders (which I myself have read, and yes, I speak legalese) to the point where my friend had to get a lawyer of her own just to be able to see her daughter more than once a month under orders that stipulated twice per week.

So you can take your supercilious attitude and... well, this is polite company, but I trust you have an imagination. Use it.

Blah blah blah. I think I'll use Occam's Razor here and gather that your friend is the one with the psych issues, her parents intervened, and that your friend's drama is nothing more than one elaborate rationalization. I don't care how much cash they have. A mother maintaining a stable household would never, and I mean never, have her children stripped away from her.

All of which makes my original point. If someone is really having major problem with the folks, the chances are pretty good that the child is the one with the problem.

[CoffeeChick]

Originally Posted by cpg35223

Blah blah blah. I think I'll use Occam's Razor here and gather that your friend is the one with the psych issues, her parents intervened, and that your friend's drama is nothing more than one elaborate rationalization. I don't care how much cash they have. A mother maintaining a stable household would never, and I mean never, have her children stripped away from her.

All of which makes my original point. If someone is really having major problem with the folks, the chances are pretty good that the child is the one with the problem.

Oh, that's rich. I mean, over-the-top. You seriously believe that kind of crap? Being a parent automatically makes someone God, or perfect?

All I can say is that I hope you don't have any children, and don't plan to. I'd feel sorry for any child of yours.

Also, a household in the throes of both a divorce and a serious illness at the same time is, by definition, NOT a stable household. But oh no, can't have a child living there, can we? Better for the grandparents to swoop in, take the kid, and then send it off to be educated for its entire childhood in boarding schools because the grandparents don't want to actually raise the child themselves (yes this is what they did) .... just like they did to my friend and her sister.

My friend, in case you're too dense to grasp this, actually WANTED to be a PARENT. As in, be there when her daughter came home from school every day, help with homework, bandage the skinned knees, give advice, bake cookies for class, go to PTA meetings, volunteer in the classroom, listen and be a shoulder to cry on when the first boyfriend turned out to be an a**, all the stuff you do for your child.

[TabulaRasa]

Originally Posted by Squid100

Hello Everybody!

Do you consider someones relationship with their familly when determining their potential as a mate?

Would you consider it a red flag if a person you were interested in told you that they are estranged from a parent? Dosen't that mean they will have difficulty in other intimate relationships?

I am not talking in cases where there was emotional or physical abuse.

Just curious. Thanks.

My personal experience with this tells me that a lot depends upon individual circumstance. There may well be excellent reasons for estrangement, and there are cases where the family member's active presence in the person's life could cause far more problems than an estrangement.

But difficult relationships have fallout...estrangement or no estrangement. Difficulty in other relationships is not an insignificant concern to have if there is evidence of dysfunctional relationships. However, I would argue that everyone has dysfunctional relationships in their lives, or in their past. How they interact despite this is the real key.

My boyfriend was estranged from his father when I met him, and had been for some time. In our years together, I've seen him work on issues relating to this, which has included therapy (not at my suggestion, he came to it on his own), and has included confronting some issues head on with his father. I have seen him choose to address some issues and do some rebuilding, and I have seen him make all kinds of choices about boundary-setting and creating a more functional relationship with his dad that's healthier for all parties involved. Not always smooth sailing, but it speaks volumes to me about his emotional health.

Are there difficulties in our relationship that stem from difficulties that he's had with his dad? Of course. Are they insurmountable? Nope, not in our case.

Ultimately, everyone has things that can stand in the way of forming new relationships. Everyone has baggage. But not everyone carries it poorly.