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Old 02-01-2011, 06:35 AM
 
1 posts, read 617 times
Reputation: 15
Default need advice...getting past cheating

Hello,
I am writing today because I am having a really hard time with my relationship. To make things short...and please I ask you to try to help with your advice and not so much to judge!
So, I have been with my current fiance/bf for quite some time...we have went through a lot, which included having a kid at a pretty young age, trying to get educated, be together make everything work...Towards the last years I was beginning to become really unhappy, we never really talked or tried to understand each other, probably made mistakes because we were young. All I saw that he wasn't helping me out, being supportive! I grew distant...and to make story short once there was an incident when I had one night stands which really didn't mean anything but at the time was just me trying to be happy. Fast forward some months after i finally told him everything, and I mean everything...he wanted to know details etc...we had agreed to try to work on our relationship. But it has become increasingly hard not only due to the past but also because we are not always together now, I am temporarily living somewhere else far away. I know that long distance is hard enough, and probably impossible if you have problems like ours! he doesn't trust me and I don't blame him! But I am really trying to do everything to make him feel loved doing everything that he asks!
I am really sorry for what happened and way I handled things, but am so confused too! I want us to work but I can see how this mistrust will just create more barriers and make us both unhappy for whatever i say he doubts!
And then there's the child...partly I want all this to work because of him...deep inside that's the truth...
And yes a long time ago I think we did enjoy each other but then came all the responsibilities and other problems and we lost that spark..and then everything else...
And then there's the thing that he basically wants me to be isolated from everyone..so we can concentrate on our problems...At times I am really positive about all this willing to sacrifice all...but at other i feel miserable
So, after my long explanations...any sound advice would be appreciated!
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Old 02-01-2011, 07:05 AM
 
2,603 posts, read 1,186,081 times
Reputation: 3325
I have this advice, seek marriage counceling, you have some serious issues to sort out and that will not happen here. My general thought is that it appears you may have something worth saving or at least examing to see if it can or should be saved particularly in light of having a child together. Hard times come into the relationships because real life is not a beer commercial and your relationship has at best a shaky foundation. Last thought, Forgive and forget are often used together with reason.
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Old 02-01-2011, 07:12 AM
 
Location: Whiteville Tennessee
8,257 posts, read 10,596,213 times
Reputation: 9717
As a father of 3 daughters I can tell you 1 thing you SHOULD NOT do-------DO NOT allow yourself to be isolated by him. You must have support and counsel from a 3rd party. There are usually reasons why men want thier women away from friends and family. And none of those reasons are good or valid. Good luck young lady.
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Old 02-01-2011, 07:27 AM
 
1,177 posts, read 1,076,806 times
Reputation: 1026
Quote:
Originally Posted by mollydolly View Post
Hello,
I am writing today because I am having a really hard time with my relationship. To make things short...and please I ask you to try to help with your advice and not so much to judge!
So, I have been with my current fiance/bf for quite some time...we have went through a lot, which included having a kid at a pretty young age, trying to get educated, be together make everything work...Towards the last years I was beginning to become really unhappy, we never really talked or tried to understand each other, probably made mistakes because we were young. All I saw that he wasn't helping me out, being supportive! I grew distant...and to make story short once there was an incident when I had one night stands which really didn't mean anything but at the time was just me trying to be happy. Fast forward some months after i finally told him everything, and I mean everything...he wanted to know details etc...we had agreed to try to work on our relationship. But it has become increasingly hard not only due to the past but also because we are not always together now, I am temporarily living somewhere else far away. I know that long distance is hard enough, and probably impossible if you have problems like ours! he doesn't trust me and I don't blame him! But I am really trying to do everything to make him feel loved doing everything that he asks!
I am really sorry for what happened and way I handled things, but am so confused too! I want us to work but I can see how this mistrust will just create more barriers and make us both unhappy for whatever i say he doubts!
And then there's the child...partly I want all this to work because of him...deep inside that's the truth...
And yes a long time ago I think we did enjoy each other but then came all the responsibilities and other problems and we lost that spark..and then everything else...
And then there's the thing that he basically wants me to be isolated from everyone..so we can concentrate on our problems...At times I am really positive about all this willing to sacrifice all...but at other i feel miserable
So, after my long explanations...any sound advice would be appreciated!
It sounds like you never really commited yourself to the realtionship and now you think you probably want to? You've got to be "all in" and so does he. The two of you need to talk and decide for sure that you want to be together forever. Without total commitment from both of you it cannot work. Personally I could never forgive cheating but that's me. But maybe deep inside he can't either.
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Old 02-01-2011, 07:43 AM
 
471 posts, read 561,875 times
Reputation: 468
Have an honest open conversation about seeking help. Then if you both agree to be together and seek help please heed the advice of the professional doing the helping. Otherwise, talk about the best separation plan that supports your child.
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Old 02-01-2011, 08:34 AM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
43,365 posts, read 51,990,195 times
Reputation: 35564
Quote:
Originally Posted by mollydolly View Post
Hello,
I am writing today because I am having a really hard time with my relationship. To make things short...and please I ask you to try to help with your advice and not so much to judge!
So, I have been with my current fiance/bf for quite some time...we have went through a lot, which included having a kid at a pretty young age, trying to get educated, be together make everything work...Towards the last years I was beginning to become really unhappy, we never really talked or tried to understand each other, probably made mistakes because we were young. All I saw that he wasn't helping me out, being supportive! I grew distant...and to make story short once there was an incident when I had one night stands which really didn't mean anything but at the time was just me trying to be happy. Fast forward some months after i finally told him everything, and I mean everything...he wanted to know details etc...we had agreed to try to work on our relationship. But it has become increasingly hard not only due to the past but also because we are not always together now, I am temporarily living somewhere else far away. I know that long distance is hard enough, and probably impossible if you have problems like ours! he doesn't trust me and I don't blame him! But I am really trying to do everything to make him feel loved doing everything that he asks!
I am really sorry for what happened and way I handled things, but am so confused too! I want us to work but I can see how this mistrust will just create more barriers and make us both unhappy for whatever i say he doubts!
And then there's the child...partly I want all this to work because of him...deep inside that's the truth...
And yes a long time ago I think we did enjoy each other but then came all the responsibilities and other problems and we lost that spark..and then everything else...
And then there's the thing that he basically wants me to be isolated from everyone..so we can concentrate on our problems...At times I am really positive about all this willing to sacrifice all...but at other i feel miserable
So, after my long explanations...any sound advice would be appreciated!
Honey, when we are young and stupid we makes lots of careless mistakes.

But you are someones mother now and need to work very hard to minimize future mistakes to better protect your child okay?

Get some counseling. A professional can help you identify why you've made some of the choices you have and what you need to do to move forward.

I wish you the best.
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Old 02-01-2011, 08:46 AM
 
13,370 posts, read 10,672,342 times
Reputation: 9270
Quote:
Originally Posted by mollydolly View Post
Hello,
I am writing today because I am having a really hard time with my relationship. To make things short...and please I ask you to try to help with your advice and not so much to judge!
So, I have been with my current fiance/bf for quite some time...we have went through a lot, which included having a kid at a pretty young age, trying to get educated, be together make everything work...Towards the last years I was beginning to become really unhappy, we never really talked or tried to understand each other, probably made mistakes because we were young. All I saw that he wasn't helping me out, being supportive! I grew distant...and to make story short once there was an incident when I had one night stands which really didn't mean anything but at the time was just me trying to be happy. Fast forward some months after i finally told him everything, and I mean everything...he wanted to know details etc...we had agreed to try to work on our relationship. But it has become increasingly hard not only due to the past but also because we are not always together now, I am temporarily living somewhere else far away. I know that long distance is hard enough, and probably impossible if you have problems like ours! he doesn't trust me and I don't blame him! But I am really trying to do everything to make him feel loved doing everything that he asks!
I am really sorry for what happened and way I handled things, but am so confused too! I want us to work but I can see how this mistrust will just create more barriers and make us both unhappy for whatever i say he doubts!
And then there's the child...partly I want all this to work because of him...deep inside that's the truth...
And yes a long time ago I think we did enjoy each other but then came all the responsibilities and other problems and we lost that spark..and then everything else...
And then there's the thing that he basically wants me to be isolated from everyone..so we can concentrate on our problems...At times I am really positive about all this willing to sacrifice all...but at other i feel miserable
So, after my long explanations...any sound advice would be appreciated!
Along the lines of what others have said, you really could use some good counseling. Sometimes that's tough to find. I think the place linked below would be a great place to go. I like their "No BS." philosophy that does no encourage wasting time:

The Chestnuthill Institute — Mira Kirshenbaum — Dr. Charles Foster What we do and what makes us special
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Old 02-01-2011, 09:09 AM
 
Location: Virginia
6,530 posts, read 8,693,813 times
Reputation: 3036
Honestly? I don't like the sound of this relationship one bit. It isn't some deep-seated wish to make this work for the child. This IS the reason you want it to work and are a bit hesitant to admit it I think because you know the general advice you'll get...

I think you want advice on how to save the relationship, but I really don't see it as salvageable hon. Sorry. You weren't thrilled with his lack of attention. You tried to find comfort elsewhere. NOW he's being overly possessive and mandating that you remain isolated. And now you aren't even living in the same town?

Sweety, its over IMO. Do what you can to make the best life for your child, but I don't see you being happy in this relationship. You weren't happy then, and you sure as heck don't sound happy now. I think its more important for your child to have a happy mommy that is working toward a healthy future....

Again, JMO... Good luck..
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Old 02-01-2011, 09:10 AM
 
7,053 posts, read 5,475,374 times
Reputation: 6148
Wow. Just plain wow.

You are not married. Let it go and raise your boy the best you can.

Sorry but this guy will NEVER trust you. It wasn't "a" one night stand. You said, "stand's'.

Move on.

Trying to make something work now is futile. Sorry. You made your bed...
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Old 02-01-2011, 09:52 AM
 
471 posts, read 561,875 times
Reputation: 468
^^^^^ what he said up there^^^^^
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