Need some advice (wife, woman, love, friends)

[donie1]

Originally Posted by sierraAZ

I'm sorry you're going through this. Having similar health problems myself for quite some time, I can relate. To tell you the truth, I'm trying really hard to stop talking about them to just about everybody because I end up being more bummed and pis*sed off by their dismissive and nonchalant attitudes. Unless somebody has walked in your shoes, he/she is not likely to understand. I don't know, but I'm guessing that might been what provoked you to act up with your fiance...

There are statistics about leaving ill spouses. It's a known fact men leave their wives more often. Girlfriends/fiancees... probably more often yet! Many (and the word "many," quite frankly, is just a safe euphemism) men are just selfish and don't have a nurturing bone in their bodies. I don't care what can of worms I'm opening here for this poor thread to deal with (because I will not), but that's the way it is (or the way I see it, OK, forum? ). That being said, it's better to find this out before rather than after a wedding.

"Take care of yourself and forget stupid relationships" would be my advice!

I agree with Sierra. I haven't had any health scares like yourself but if he can't "man" up and realize that you were upset with worry during your hospital stay then screw him. I think the very best thing for you is to take care of you. You're #1 right now. Surrounding yourself with loving friends and family, go to a support group if need be but keep yourself positive and as stress free as possible.

Since your bf always had communication problems, he always will. Cut your loses now and move on.

Also when people are down and out and they leave you, that shows what type of person he is.

[donie1]

Originally Posted by JustJulia

I'm very sorry you are going through all this, and I hope everything will be OK, healthwise.

BUT.

You cannot dump all over people and get angry when they don't want to take it. Why don't you start apologizing for driving him away and see what he does? Meet him halfway. Surely you can't expect him to come groveling to you after you treated him like this. Yes, it's a very stressful time for you, absolutely, but it's not fair to take it out on him. Be a team. He is not your kicking post.

Sorry, Julia, I don't agree at all. He's always had a communication problem and when you're stressed and upset, you might be verbally abuse to those around you. I'm not excusing her behavior but understanding her behavior. Her bf should realize that people are not themselves when dealt with a serious health issue and he should have been more understanding and loving towards her. But that's my opinion.

I just wish the best for her and for her to take care of herself because right now she needs to be stress free and positive.

[Liza54]

although I was too disturbed to read beyond the first few 'responses', I hope and pray you looked ahead w/out this guy. Being a partner means there are times where perhaps you're feelings aren't first- like when someone gets a cancer scare. So in your mind frame you said some hurtful things? whatever. And that is the most immature, bul**it way to deal with someone who is faced w/ something so scary, so life altering.."oooh, I'll just be silent'. No. Unacceptable. Period. If I truly thought that was the best out there, then ok. But I am 100% positive that someone else would've embraced you tightly and held u thru this!! It's compassion, it's love and trust and being able to give when it's ur turn to think about the other more. Would it have been the same if the situation was reversed. Please don't listen to something like "you drove him away"..( are you fricken' kidding me?) Ya, you know what, thru thinking your life is now being changed or shortened by cancer, no, you be sweet and understanding and somehow- yes somehow- fit in ur mind going 90 different directions, to be thoughtful and nice to your man! (sickening). If you don't find a rock of a man for support, then you search for real girl friends.

[JustJulia]

Originally Posted by donie1

Sorry, Julia, I don't agree at all. He's always had a communication problem and when you're stressed and upset, you might be verbally abuse to those around you. I'm not excusing her behavior but understanding her behavior. Her bf should realize that people are not themselves when dealt with a serious health issue and he should have been more understanding and loving towards her. But that's my opinion.

Yes, he has always had a communication issue. So has she. She unleashed four years of frustration on him. They both need to work on their communication. He contacted her to see how she was doing; she ignored him. Communication is a two-way street. And no, verbal abuse is not OK or, like the poster after you said, "whatever."

When faced with a major crisis, it's important to figure out what you want. I think some people want to be right so much that they drum themselves right out of a relationship. If the OP doesn't want to work it out, fine. That's up to her. But she said she loves him and sounded like she does want to. I am advising her how to do that.

[Tinawina]

Originally Posted by LovelyinLa

The things I said weren't "really" out of anger, they were out of hurt. As I said he's been distant for about a year now. When I would ask, he would say that everything was fine. But when I was stressing out I confronted him on this as well as other stuff. Most of my apprehension about going back is that, I'm not that certain that this isn't the way he would've handled it even if I wasn't angry with him. He seems to have a habit of shutting down when things get hard, whenever we would argue (which wasn't that much) he would just shut down and not say anything or say very little. Says I'm being emotional when really I wasn't but it is frustrating talking to a brick wall. Again, I do accept being "harsh" at that time, but I'm wondering if this is just how he handles everything, which would be unacceptable to me. That's a big risk, to marry someone who may run when something "bad" happens. I'm just wondering if I'm still being emotional, I just can't seem to get a handle on this. Part of me wants to accept that maybe it is my fault but there's another part that says that this may just be who he is.

I used to date someone just like that.

To me, that kind of thing is extremely passive aggressive. He will drive you crazy. Even if he doesn't realize it, I think that is a very mean way to be, especially when he starts dismissing the person he is shutting out as "emotional". It means that being in a relationship with him means you have no outlet for any negative feelings, no way to talk them out, no way to clear the air. It is really hard not to carry around rage in a relationship like that if you are the type of person that really needs to talk things out.

It doesn't mean that he's a bad person IMO. Sometimes, two very nice people have incompatible traits. You can love someone (and they can love you back) but somehow you are wrong for each other, or bring out the worst in each other.

I wouldn't get back together with him unless you two have a really long talk and he owns up to his part in things. I would apologize for my part and then explain where I was coming from. If he doesn't seem to get that there's a real communication problem and that he needs to find a way to change then, as painful as it is, I would leave. The problems just get larger in number and 10 times more complex when you are married, and I can't see how you two can last if you can't work through problems.

[JustJulia]

Originally Posted by Tinawina

I wouldn't get back together with him unless you two have a really long talk and he owns up to his part in things. I would apologize for my part and then explain where I was coming from. If he doesn't seem to get that there's a real communication problem and that he needs to find a way to change then, as painful as it is, I would leave. The problems just get larger in number and 10 times more complex when you are married, and I can't see how you two can last if you can't work through problems.

I agree. Thanks for putting it better than I did.

[donie1]

Originally Posted by JustJulia

Yes, he has always had a communication issue. So has she. She unleashed four years of frustration on him. They both need to work on their communication. He contacted her to see how she was doing; she ignored him. Communication is a two-way street. And no, verbal abuse is not OK or, like the poster after you said, "whatever."

When faced with a major crisis, it's important to figure out what you want. I think some people want to be right so much that they drum themselves right out of a relationship. If the OP doesn't want to work it out, fine. That's up to her. But she said she loves him and sounded like she does want to. I am advising her how to do that.

I understand what you're saying but we'll have to agree to disagree. I still think he's more trouble then he's worth. JMO. Right now, it's all about her and getting back on her feet healthwise.

[sierraAZ]

Originally Posted by Tinawina

I used to date someone just like that.

Of course you did. I'd imagine you're a straight woman.

[MattB4]

Originally Posted by LovelyinLa

... Why couldn't he "man up" and give me the support I needed.

...

I'm posting this because I really need some opinions, ...

First off, my sympathies for your health conditions. Cancer is traumatic and finding other serious health problems while addressing it I am sure does not help.

But addressing your relationship. Many people, men or women, are simply unable to handle a health care problem for others.Some will faint at the sight of blood or become hysterical over a minor injury like they have when one of their kids get hurt. Sadly, if your parents were that way, you will likely carry that behavior onward. Also many people are overwhelmed with even attempting to deal with difficult situations and will shut down. Being a care giver or a first responder is not in their makeup. Not everyone is cool under fire.

It takes understanding to realize that a hurt being can lash out at those attempting to help it. Your Fiancé probably did not have this knowledge as a background. That is not to say that he can not learn. It is just to say he may not have realized that your meanness was due to the stress and not your basic nature. However he may have felt that he needed to leave to allow you to survive your ordeal.

I hope that what ever happens between you two that you get better.

[h886]

First of all, I hope you're doing better. It's a scary thing to have your health be in question, to know something is horribly wrong and have to live in limbo for a month without the answers you desperately need.

I feel so very sorry for both you and your fiance when I read about what happened. Of course you reacted badly. Who wouldn't when all they can think about is whether they might die from this? To not even know the extent of what it was had to be terrifying. By that same token, is it possible for you to understand that your fiance might have felt just as lost and reacted just as badly as you did? My mother once told me that sometimes having to watch someone you love get sick or suffer is even worse than when it's just you yourself. You have no power to heal them, only to watch them be miserable. He had to be in a horrible place.

I would think that if there was any moment where a blanket act of forgiveness might occur, it could be here. Both of you made mistakes. Both of you suffered. Both of you were terrified. He was hurt when you lashed out at him, understandably. He had every right to be, just as you had a right to be terrified by what was happening to you. Even if he understood you weren't rational, it didn't make the words hurt any less, right? You reacted badly. He reacted badly. It sounds like both of you recognize those reactions as mistakes now that you're doing better and both of you can think more clearly.

I have to wonder if this could be a learning experience for the two of you, if with time and perhaps couples therapy, you could become stronger as a couple from this? Forgiveness would not happen immediately, but would require work. You would have to work through your anger at him for leaving you, his anger at you for lashing out at him. But if you feel what you two had together was valuable enough to make it worth another go, there would be no harm in trying.