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I put up with cheating for years in my marriage. I went back and forth between feeling he would change just like he promised, or feeling like I loved him so much I would do anything to make it work. At times I would get fed up and bail, but I would always take him in when he came slithering back.
Looking back, I wish I had not got involved since all the red flags were in place. But I was a youngin then, so I had much to learn. He cheated on me before we were married. That has something to do with the warnings people get when they are single about dumping cheaters. I went from dating one, to being married to one.
I won't tolerate disrespect or abuse just for the sake of being married though.
I will say I can understand why people stay married. It is very scary to go from being a part of a commited couple to being single, it can really petrify someone into staying in a bad relationship. It isn't surprising that so many people only get the courage to get a divorce when they know they have someone waiting for them when it is all over.
I've been living in with my GF for 7 years. We have 2 kids together. We put up with a lot so far and for most people (even married), a lot of these things are considered dealbreakers.
We simply love each other. You don't have to be married to be forgiving and to be with someone.
I have been married 16 years and the glue that keeps us together is genuine love for one another, mutual respect, affection, sex and clear and concise communication. It's also about not taking one another for granted, being appreciative and having fun.
Most people overlook too many transgressions from their partner, then when the situation escalates into a full-blown verbal shootout, they wonder why it got so lethal. If you nip small transgressions in the bud on the spot, there won't be any room for major fallouts. I have zero tolerance for a lot of things and any woman that I get involved with will know what will/won't be tolerated. I'm adopting a one strike & you're out policy because if I overlook one wrong, chances are I'll let other things slide and that's not going to fly.
Quote:
Forgiveness, and compromise.
People give up on their marriages too easily these days.
Forgiveness, yes but compromise on what you won't tolerate? That's not a good look IMO.
I have always wondered. We singles are advised to break up for things like lying, cheating, disrespect if it happens only ONCE.
The reality is these things will happen as long as we are humans and in relationships. So how do you put up with the really hard stuff from your spouse and get through? Or do you?
Is forgiveness really the glue to marriage? How so?
Please give examples of things you don't like but have put up with for 5,10,20 years of marriage. Did it get easier?
Well there's a big difference between dating someone and being married to them. Dating is just dating with no legal strings attached. When you're married, you take a vow to stay together thru the thick and thin. However some things such as infidelity that pretty much break the marriage in which then you are free to divorce.
I would always forgive my spouse if she even did something as cheat. However I could not trust her and that in itself is one of the key elements of a marriage. So no trust = can't stay married.
As long as you get the main things right, the little irritations of life can be dealt with.
So far fingers crossed I have not had to put up with anything big from Hubby, we do bicker about silly little things but share our ideals and life goals as well as tastes which makes life a lot easier. He saw me through over 10 years of Leukaemia so I would argue he had to put up with quite a bit !
I have deal breakers and so does he. Cheating is one of them. No second chance on that one. We discussed this very early on and were both very clear about our views on the subject.
Once that trust is broken that is it. I think both of us would also find it hard to forgive huge decisions being made without the other's consent like large purchases for example. Once again because the trust would be in tatters. Coming back from a breach of trust would to me be nigh impossible.
A relationship takes work and compromise and the ability to accept that life is not always going to be a bed of roses and chocolates and that routine and chores sadly have their place in a marriage/parnership.
But if you are on the same page on the big issues, everything lese will resolve itself IMO.
A good sense of humour and self deprecation is essential as is genuine "like" for the other. I could not Love someone I did not Like. Like is as important. As is respect and empathy. If you don't understand what the other person feels , at least to a a degree you are sunk in my opinion.
Sex is fab, romance is wonderful but life is a little more complex so you have to be able to take the rough with the smooth. To a point.
My Love for him us purely conditional. I do not understand unconditional Love. Never have, never will. I Love him because of who he is . It would be utterly idiotic to say I would still love him if he cheated on me, started to take up gambling heavily, abusing animals, joined the KKK or was molesting children for example...
He would not be the man I fell in Love with. He would have none of the qualities I Love him so much for.
I have no issue with his looks changing, my love is not reliant on him looking the way he did when we met ( like so many people seem to desire in their SOs ) but yes I do want him to have the same qualities and strengths of character I fell head over heels in love with all those years ago. If he becomes a complete selfish, bigoted bastard, you bet your bottom little dollars I shall no longer love him.
Love dies with the death of Him as he was ( bar medical condition such as Dementia or Alzheimer's of course, which cannot be helped when it comes to becoming a different person).
Well there's a big difference between dating someone and being married to them. Dating is just dating with no legal strings attached. When you're married, you take a vow to stay together thru the thick and thin. However some things such as infidelity that pretty much break the marriage in which then you are free to divorce.
I would always forgive my spouse if she even did something as cheat. However I could not trust her and that in itself is one of the key elements of a marriage. So no trust = can't stay married.
There is a third option other than "dating" and "married". It's called a committed loving relationship. Many people do not marry, do not want to marry and still have loving, fully committed highly successful relationships.
I was with now Hubby for 20 years before we married and we did stick it through the thin and thick. We were just as happy then as we are now, no more in love and our relationship was no less valid then.
Marriage is only a piece of paper. If you are not good together without it you will be nothing with it.
I do not feel any different since I got married and in many ways we only got bullied into it by society because I had no legal rights otherwise. I do not love Hubby any more than I did before our Nuptials.
Being married was far more important to Him ( and still is I think) but both of us were for all intents and purposes "married" when we started to go " steady" as far as both of us were concerned. The bond came from our love not a marriage license. Aprt from financially I do not feel any more ( or less ) secure because of being married. If Hubby wants to cheat on me, or leave me he can still do so. He is still his own man , nothing has changed apart from legalities.
Having half of the house is hardly going to make me feel better about being abandoned... Marriage is not a binding tie . That is why so many people are divorced. Financially I might have more rights but marriage will not make a cheating bastard be faithful .
Happiness and success in a relationship has NOTHING to do with a piece of paper. It is all in your heart and your head.
Many people get married so that they can put down roots, raise a family, build a life. If they are successful these are the exact things that make it hard to walk away from. But, if this is the only reason people stay together, they'd better hope that their partners are worthy, 'cause I've seen many times, many marriages where one spouse or another puts up with way too much to keep a marriage together. Either because of financial considerations or because of a fear of being alone, for religion, out of sheer loyalty or maybe most often "for the kids," I'm sure I'm not the only one who's seen an old friend or a playboy uncle or a good-hearted aunt just about disintegrate, become a whisper of what they were by staying in a marriage that is more depleting than sustaining. I'm lucky to be in a marriage that is much more good than bad, but had it not been for "the kids", there were many times that either my wife or I would have been long gone. Marriages, even when they are good are hard, and then harder yet. Not sure if it's the same for everyone; have a hunch that it's not. I think some of us are more naturally paired up, and some of us aren't..
I feel like marriage is a major, major commitment. Especially once you have kids. Breaking up means so much more once you are married. It is harder to do, and leaves so much more damage in other people's lives.
I agree with those who say you are advised to break up with people who do certain things while you are dating because you are (in theory) trying to find good marriage material. But on the other hand, once you do commit, you need to do everything possible to give it chance to work IMO. If my husband did something majorly wrong, and there was even the slightest hope that he was sincere he wanted to work it out, I would feel obligated to at least try. I'm not saying I would make it easy for him (especially if he cheated) but I would honestly try, because I married the guy, you know? You marry people not robots, they will make mistakes. You never know what will happen because life throws new stuff at you all the time, and sometimes people react in ways you never say coming. So I believe in giving forgiveness and redemption a chance. Even if it doesn't work in the end. But if there is a chance not to blow up my kids lives' then I feel like I have to try it. I feel like if it ever came down to a divorce, I want to be able to look my kids and both our families in the face and say I did everything in my power to save the marriage first, and that this just couldn't be helped.
I am happy in my marriage although there have been hard times. We've had to learn to compromised and/or live with differences. And mostly, we both have to work at keeping the spirit that we want to make each other as happy as we can. I guess that's all you can do.
I totally agree. Unmarried people sometimes never would imagine how a spouse would be able to forgive things like infidelity, lying, substance abuse, alcoholism, tons of other issues, etc. But several years into marriage, I found out with major issues like that I will try to work it out any possible way if other half is willing. The other question is if trust and love can ever be restored. As for me, I could never again love and believe in a person that would do this to me. For some people living without emotional attachment and faith in each other is simply not worth it. A lot of us married folks just are too hesitant to break ties and plunge into the unknown. The fear of something worse is always present. You have to be brave to break up, some of us just might not have guts enough.
Last edited by ukrworld; 02-11-2011 at 06:09 PM..
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