a cheating woman, the affair and potential divorce... (long-term, marriage, love)
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I know many people will angrily write in response to my thread, but here goes anyway. They say an affair is merely a result of a failing marriage. I had an affair with a man 11 years younger than me (he is 25). My husband doesn't know. It started as an emotional attachment and within a month turned sexual. My husband works many long hours and I rarely see him. This man wanted to marry me and start a family with me. We had an instant connection both emotionally and physically as many affairs do. He met needs that I didn't even know I had.
He believed that my husband was cheating on me ( I don't think so, but who really knows). When I didn't leave my husband, he moved on, understandably. Well he came back and was constantly asking about my marriage (we are in counseling). While he wasn't as loving, he made it clear that he was hanging about waiting for me to file for divorce. I finally told him that I needed space to work on my marriage properly. Now he isn't speaking to me, understandably so..well he is distant and cold. Part of me wants to be with him but I know the percentage of affairs that last are like 3%.
I have been married for 7 years. He is a good man. I do not feel neglected emotionally, but sex and passion have been non-existant. I don't feel "in love" or sexually attracted to my husband. He feels like a roommate. So now in counseling, I am working on loving him again and trying to understand this restlessness I am going through. I feel like I am going through a mid-life crisis. I'm terrified of aging and ready to have a baby but the idea of staying with my husband is at times depressing.
Can I make this marriage work? Everyone says I can. I have never cheated on him before but I can't deny my attraction to other men right now. I don't know if it's hormonal or what. But I'm so worried right now. What about this other man. What was he thinking? Why was he waiting? Sometimes I think that it's just the chase for him and if I were single, he wouldn't be interested. I know what I did was terrible. I've made my peace with God, but now I feel that I am worse off emotionally than I was before. I don't know if I should continue counseling or file for divorce...
Some people have no clue what a marriage is about. They don't even understand what a relationship is. They think it's sex and sleeping in the same bed together.
Cheaters lie. He said your husband was cheating? How did he know? Nothing he could do including that lie would make you leave your husband and he moved on. What emotional need does being lied to fill for you? Are you feeling like he would be a worthy mate when he is willing to lie and manipulate you to get what he wants? If he actually loved you would not your well being be his greatest concern? Why then does he not support you doing whats right for you whether it be divorice OR fixing your marriage? You said we are in counseling but your husband does not know so you are lying to him still and intend to keep doing so? What about the marriage counceler? Lying there as well? How is it you expect to fix this thing when you are living amongst so many lies? Its my thought you need to try and step outside yourself, take an honest look at the situation, and answer a lot of questions much like those I have already asked.
Were it me I would likely stay in counceling til I was able to sort out why I had fallen out of love with my mate and if it could be fixed or if I even wanted to. IMO you will not find what you seek until the lies end because one of the people you are lying to is yourself.
I could NOT agree more. Having a child is going to make things a lot worse. Please think of a child being in the middle of all this, the pain and bewilderment the child will feel will probably stick with that child its whole life. Don't put a child through this.
You need counseling for yourself and your marriage. Why are you so terrified of aging? Does an illicit affair with a younger guy make you feel more desirable than the quiet love in a marriage?
First of all, if you are in counselling and sincere about making your marriage better, you need to be honest with your husband and tell him about the affair. He has a right to know: so put all the cards on the table and see if HE still wants to play.
You obviously care enough about your marriage that you've sought out counseling. I say continue with that and work on your marriage. If down the road the marriage still isn't working and you do file for divorce well then you can do so without any regrets or knowing that you at least tried to salvage it.
This younger man that you had an affair with is manipulating you because at this point in the game, he lost. Men are very prideful creatures, I'm sure he has whatever feelings for you but the fact is, you are married. You have made it clear that you need space to work on your marriage and to me that sounds like you are serious about saving it. Why even talk to this other guy when it's constantly going to mess with your head and get in the way of your goals. I say out of sight, out of mind and keep your priorities straight. This younger man is just a temptation. You wouldn't keep a box of chocolate lying around if you were on a diet, right? So why keep him around??
My gut feeling after reading the post in its entirety is that it sounds like much of the unhappiness stems from you. I have to question whether you would end this marriage only to find out a year or two later that all the problems had followed you, that you were doomed to keep repeating this relationship until you solved them.
You are unhappy with the idea of aging. You chose a much younger man for an affair who you fear only wanted you because of the challenge of stealing a married woman. You worry you are having a mid-life crisis. This sounds right on. As you pointed out, if this guy is only interested in the chase, the relationship is false. By the same token, if you are only interested in the initial sparks but not the slow simmer of long-term love, you're signing up for a lifetime of short-term affairs for the rest of your life. You need to figure out what you want.
As someone else pointed out, absolutely do not bring a child into this marriage right now. It would be an incredibly selfish choice to make. A child deserves two happy parents who love each other. Yes, babies are born into circumstances that are less than ideal, but to consciously make the choice to bring a baby into an unhappy marriage where you aren't sure if you can love their father? Selfish. If things improve in counseling, you can have a baby in a year or two. If fertility is an issue, you can adopt.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
