I'm Living a Double Life and need advice please.... (women, love, therapy)

[kimbey]

I know I need therapy, and I don't expect anyone to feel sorry for me. I know I have gotten myself into this crazy mess. I just don't know why I am having trouble ending the relationship with the plumber. He is controlling and I don't understand why he still wants to be involved with me when he doesn't want sex or any real intamacy. He makes me feel bad about myself and yet when he is good to me, I am elated. He was married once for 12 years and has been divorced for about 12 years. His ex left him for another man but he never goes into detail as to why she left. My live-in is very kind and loving human being. I feel terrible but I am going to change this. I am very glad I posted and got some good advice. I have isolated myself from my friends and am living this crazy lie by myself and it's killing me. Thank you again everyone for your much needed advice.

[STT Resident]

PLEASE read what you wrote and try to imagine that someone else wrote it. Re-read it over and over until you understand it and can see it from a dispassionate viewpoint.

The train wreck is right around the next corner and you owe it to YOURSELF to extricate yourself from both these relationships and learn to be happy with YOU without supporting crutches.

#1 sounds like a really nice person but obviously that situation frustrates you - and no doubt it's frustrating for him too. He's obviously pulling his weight where finances and everything else concerned with the house is concerned but it's probably time for you both to move on and separate. If his financial support is crucial to your maintaining your home then cut back, find a simple room-mate/tenant, do whatever you have to do but the key here seems to be that this double life is draining you and the guilt is overwhelming you.

#2. What can I say but, to be brutally honest, he sounds like a very nasty controlling creep. You deserve better.

You've successfully managed to overcome your alcohol addiction, one day at a time (and hopefully you've enlisted the support of AA?) Now it's time to overcome your psychological addiction and the neediness stemming from your abused past which has led you into this second relationship which has nothing but "MESS" written all over it.

Chin up, girl! It's your time now and nothing is insurmountable. I so hope you find the right path and that the next 40 years will bring you the contentment you both need and deserve.

[kimbey]

Thank you so much STT. You are a very kind person and I am taking your advice and re-reading as if someone else had written it. You hit the nail on the head. Thank you for your compassion.

[Mr. Humble]

OP, there are worse things in life than being alone. I only hope that you have family and/or friends around that can support you. I'll echo what others have said, something is very wrong with the plumber. Sounds like the passive aggressive type; he's been hurt and so now he will hurt anyone who is desperate enough to let him into her life. I am very sorry for the abuse you suffered when you were a kid. Isn't it true that now you don't feel like you deserve the good things in life? I wouldn't be at all surprised if the plumber can smell that. Have you told him about this abuse? How 'bout you try to only do good things for yourself? First this means that you don't cling to guys or to anybody that you don't trust 100%.

[donie1]

Ok, the live-in bf was good for both of you while you were both sobering up. After doing this, your life is different now and you're not ino your bf anymore. He needs to leave. The new bf is bad, bad, bad. Get him out of your life. He is a controller and he's playing games. Right now, you need to be by yourself and figure yourself out and know what you want.

I'd live by myself and get a girl room mate and sort my life out before I started dating again. You need someone that will wine and dine you. Don't sell yourself short because that's what you're doing now.

[sunshineleith]

Originally Posted by miu

Guy #2 is a controlling jerk. Lose him. As to Guy #1, break things off from him, stay single and get your own life in order. Find some new activities to do, make new friends and eventually start dating. Don't date until your life is in order. Don't get tangled up with the wrong type of guy. The right guy is well worth waiting for. You've been without sex for over five years now, you can wait longer to do this right.

Yes yes and YES! Six thumbs up!

[kimbey]

Mr. Humble, I don't know if he is passive aggressive. He has very strict moral standards. He likes to belittle and berate people when he can. He is ALWAYS right and that is extremely important to him. Being right! I have heard him tear a T-Mobile customer service person to shreds. Telling them that they probably never graduated high school, how inept they are and other personal attacks. He will debate anything to death until you finally give in and agree because you are too tired and worn out to disagree. I don't have any family that is living so I guess I will seek out therapy for my obvious co-depency issues. Believe it or not, there are some very endearing qualities about the plumber but with that being said, I must pull myself away from both for my own sanity. I don't even know who I am anymore. The financial part if very scary to me and I don't know if I can afford the mortgage on my own. Also, why wouldn't a man want a physical relationship with someone he has been with for a year? We have gotten rooms overnight and he just goes to sleep.

Thanks for your advice

[imcurious]

Sounds like you are afraid to be alone. Go back to meetings, get a sponsor, break up with both guys (tell them both that you need to "take a break" from relationships to work on your program . . . "your program" is about getting healthy so you can attract good relationships into your life).

If you have abandonment issues, get into therapy, hang out with supportive friends . .

This is really a recipe for chronic unhappiness . . . you don't have to be stuck with two guys who cannot meet your needs. I don't care how "nice" they are or what they do for you or how good looking they are - they are not partners - they are not "on your team."

Hope you wake up and take the steps you need to take to have a healthy, happy life!

[STT Resident]

Originally Posted by kimbey

Mr. Humble, I don't know if he is passive aggressive. He has very strict moral standards. He likes to belittle and berate people when he can. He is ALWAYS right and that is extremely important to him. Being right! I have heard him tear a T-Mobile customer service person to shreds. Telling them that they probably never graduated high school, how inept they are and other personal attacks. He will debate anything to death until you finally give in and agree because you are too tired and worn out to disagree. I don't have any family that is living so I guess I will seek out therapy for my obvious co-depency issues. Believe it or not, there are some very endearing qualities about the plumber but with that being said, I must pull myself away from both for my own sanity. I don't even know who I am anymore. The financial part if very scary to me and I don't know if I can afford the mortgage on my own. Also, why wouldn't a man want a physical relationship with someone he has been with for a year? We have gotten rooms overnight and he just goes to sleep.

Thanks for your advice

Re-read all of this post too, over and over. Please.

[imcurious]

If you can't afford the mortgage, advertise for a female roommate and screen the inquiries, heavily to get a sober person on a path of recovery.