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There have been many times where I have observed C-D users mentioning not being particularly fond of romantic partners they had described as "needy" or "clingy" -- but also at the same time, not defining in any concrete terms, exactly what they meant by those words
So, I looked up the word "needy" on wikipedia. Wikipedia defines "needy" as:
Reading the wikipedia article on codependency, was at least somewhat fascinating to me. The reason why is, I don't think I quite understand myself, why there is such of a consistent "negative emphasis", on the concept of neediness in general -- all I can personally gather is that people who are "needy", perhaps have a little more of a need to "feel loved", than say non-needy ppl. But why is it the equivalent of such a "mortal sin", when it comes to relationship desirability?
Agree with the definition, as presented above in the quoted section? Disagree? Why or why not?
I think there is more to co-dependency than that. I believe that is just a symptom. The behavior of co-dependents is dependent on the behavior of others.
to ther victim of the needy person, you just feel smothered, they are trying to steal your independance, your spirit in the name of what they perceive to be love/caring
Thanks. Keep in mind, too, that everybody has different ideas about personal space, even on the emotional level. In a physical sense, some people don't like to be touched much and will find contact such as holding hands for several minutes to be irritating. Others are very physically demonstrative and will touch the other quite a bit, whether it's holding hands, touching the other's arm, stroking a leg, playing with the other's hair, etc. If the two people are very different in that respect, Person A will feel smothered and Person B will think Person A is a cold fish, because those caresses will not be returned and may even be shunned. Likewise, people have different opinions about emotional space and how much "touching" they like.
You're 100% right there...very interesting; thx again for your helpful comments and wise insight
Quote:
I think most of us can agree that "too much" is bad, but we'd have a hard time deciding what "too much" is.
What's wrong? Did I do something wrong? Tell me, I'll fix it. I'll do anything. I love you. Don't you love me? What can I do to fix it? Tell me and I'll do it. I'll fix it and then you'll love me again, right? I'll never love anybody as much as I love you. LOVE ME LOVE ME LOVE ME.
First of all, good Thread! For a good part of my 22 yrs of being single (ok, divorced), I was definitely a "needy" person and that got me into real trouble with relationships. If a gal told me she was going out with her girlfriends on a Friday or Saturday night, I'd worry like mad.......especially if it was to a nightclub. I just couldn't stand the thought of the lady dancing with some dude and it wasn't me or that she could possibly meet someone else and get interested! Too much alcohol can do things to a person, like make them forget and/or lie! As for me, "been there, done that". Another thing about being a "needy" person, I mixed sex with love. Basically, all I had to do is sleep once with a woman and I was in love with her.......bad thing, but it sure happened.
Now, when I first met my wife, she was totally impressed that I wanted to see her/talk to her all the time. AND, as already stated in another posting (Thread), we were BOTH "marriage minded" and it worked out great!
A person does need to show "interst", but if that "interest" turns into "neediness", for some men and women that spells TROUBLE!!
Neediness implies insecurity. If your partner needs you to spend all of your free time with them, if they're constantly looking for reassurance from you that you love them and want to be with them, then it suggests they don't think highly of themselves. Maybe they've had people abandon them in the past like a parent or spouse and worry that others will do the same. But it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy because their own behavior ends up driving people away, which in turn reinforces their belief that people will leave them.
Neediness often goes hand in hand with whinyness. They'll look to their partner to reassure them that things will be alright. It's a huge emotional drain on the other person and, in a way, starts to feel like a parent/child relationship. I doubt you'll find many people who want to feel like they're taking care of a child.
There's also the issue of personal space. People have differing requirements. Some people love spending a lot of time with their partner while others need a lot of space. If you're not the same page, then it can lead to problems, as JustJulia pointed out.
As a 'definition' of needy, I'll log an official 'disagree' with Wikipedia - not that what it said about codependancy was wrong.
It just lacks many of the things others said about insecurity and personal space.
I'd like to add though, neediness (aka High Maintenance) has another component or two. Selfishness and a constant tug on another person's presence.
Needy people often lack a respect for another person's time and space. Instead of trying to learn how a program works... they yell out, "How do I send this email?" They don't hesitate or make an effort to work through problems. They simply reach out to their mate like they are attached, armed and ready to solve your problems.
These people could be forgiven if they were genuinely incompetent but more often than not, they are quite skilled at using others.
The other component I see is constantly sending the message, "Come back into my space - you've wandered too far".
It is like my wife who comes to the computer and reads over my shoulder while I surf the net or write an email. She doesn't come to GIVE me something... but to GET something. She's lonely or bored.
I find there are many people who can't entertain themselves and so they tug on the people around them until they find someone who will soothe their emotions. Like a tot on a tit they want to suckle frequently until the person gets sore nipples and shoos them away.
I was talking to a coworker about couples who are constantly together and love it. I proposed to my coworker that this can only happen with the two are comfortable ignoring each other at some level.
My wife used to get miffy when she'd set the TV to celebrity news and I'd go to the computer. It was like I was ignoring her. She didn't like that I'd do crosswords or Sudoku either. She must have thought I was not engaging together.
Getting miffed was a way of tugging at me to come into her world.
For needy people, whether it is through a touch, a grunt/groan, a whisper, a smile/frown... and here it is folks... a seemingly innocent kiss... it the intent of the message is, "Pay attention to me", then this is neediness.
For needy people, whether it is through a touch, a grunt/groan, a whisper, a smile/frown... and here it is folks... a seemingly innocent kiss... it the intent of the message is, "Pay attention to me", then this is neediness.
Ooh, the huffy sigh, a little louder and more exaggerated so you can hear it from the other room ...
SIGH ...
Are you listening to me in there?
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Keep in mind, too, that everybody has different ideas about personal space, even on the emotional level. In a physical sense, some people don't like to be touched much and will find contact such as holding hands for several minutes to be irritating. Others are very physically demonstrative and will touch the other quite a bit, whether it's holding hands, touching the other's arm, stroking a leg, playing with the other's hair, etc. If the two people are very different in that respect, Person A will feel smothered and Person B will think Person A is a cold fish, because those caresses will not be returned and may even be shunned. Likewise, people have different opinions about emotional space and how much "touching" they like.
