Welcome to City-Data.com Forum!
U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 02-14-2011, 11:37 AM
 
77 posts, read 171,296 times
Reputation: 111

Advertisements

Quote:
Originally Posted by pkrplr1 View Post
can you buy your way out of the lease? is so it would probably be worth the financial loss.
If she is renting with a lease, I heard from a friend that when it's a victim of domestic violence, they can allow one to terminate it.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 02-14-2011, 11:48 AM
 
1,646 posts, read 2,370,464 times
Reputation: 880
When you are a dv victim, your landlord is obligated by federal law to let you go without penalty
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-14-2011, 11:50 AM
 
Location: syracuse ny
2,412 posts, read 5,077,491 times
Reputation: 2048
I'm very hopeful for this one! Usually they'll grasp at any rational to stay. I've seen 20 use the Cat or Dog as the reason they're staying! Another wild excuse is what will others think. It's your life, go grab it!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-14-2011, 04:19 PM
 
22,284 posts, read 21,662,335 times
Reputation: 54735
Quote:
Originally Posted by optiflex View Post
When my marriage ended I was tired of being the nice guy, and drinking heavily. I wasn't looking for anything long term, was just trying to get even with womankind, and was angry and mean. I don't think I've ever been more attractive to the opposite sex in my life! They were literally fighting over me some nights in the bars. So many of them were going to fix me.

I was out singing one night and I won the competition. This stunning woman was upset because I sang Sweet Caroline in front of a bunch of rowdy bikers and walked ontop the bar while doing it (good friends with the owner doesn't hurt) and beat her because I got the crowd into it. She was hot and I was with a pretty fine looking thing that night, but considered holding her in reserve. So I said let me make it up to you. Come to this other bar tomorrow and we'll sing a few duets. However I had made the same offer to several other people that same night.

Well she took that as a date offer. And showed up dressed to kill. Hair done, heels, possibly an entire makeover. I noticed her instantly, but there was one hitch. I didn't even remember her from the previous night. I was good at being a bar host, working a crowd, but I might not even know your name. She at one point figured that out. Knew I was with another girl, and just shallowly said what I said to her and then forgot about it...so I struck out right? No, I ended up with her in a hotel that night, after a big brew ha ha of dumping the other girl. And she's this very religious, not before marriage kinda girl, but she made an exception for me! At one point during our dating she even theorized I was possessed by the devil. And 50 friends would tell her so what's the attraction? She actually told people..."once I straighten him out"...ROFLMAO! I was a bastard to her the whole time.

We have a lot of common friends. We're pretty friendly with each other, we actually get along great, apart. But it still gets back to me..."I'm happy for him that he sobered up and got his life back together but why couldn't he do it for me?"

It's because change has to come from within. Because change has to be desired from the person themselves, not outside influences. If there's something major wrong with him/her and YOU'RE wildly attracted to them, there's something MAJOR WRONG with you too! Ying/Yang..if they're a huge problem..you're the huge enabler.
Hey I saw that movie too!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-14-2011, 04:35 PM
 
Location: syracuse ny
2,412 posts, read 5,077,491 times
Reputation: 2048
Ohhh no, don't tell me that! You know, I mentioned Alcoholic clown to these guys once, and boom next thing I know they're making an alcoholic clown movie. Luckily nobody saw it, they lost money and I didn't have to sue them. Then one day after watching my son squirt himself for the millionth time I declared, they aughta make a juice box holder so the kid can't squeeze it all over themselves. I swear they followed me around with a notepad!

And to think, I held this guy upside down by his legs so he could spray paint "Nikki will you marry me" on the East Syracuse bridge.

He already owes me a billion dollars for watching his stand up routines and saying "No, when you let out that nervous arrrrgghhh it's funny, go with it!" First guy to turn stage fright into a 6 picture deal!

Do not tell me they made a low budget movie called Drunken Karaoke Night!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-14-2011, 04:48 PM
 
77 posts, read 171,296 times
Reputation: 111
Well at least, the person you took marriage vows with in front of a minister and your family didn't just up and leave you without any type of notice and leave you when you lost your job and wind up in a shelter soon. It sucks.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-14-2011, 06:01 PM
 
10,449 posts, read 12,440,457 times
Reputation: 12597
Quote:
Originally Posted by donie1 View Post
Yes, I can understand to a point. My mother was like this with my father. He had no redeeming factors at all. None. Later in life, he loved my children so he had somewhat learned to love someone other then himself.

But I can't for the life of me understand women like my mother. They will justify that it's for the kids, the Church says to stay in the marriage, etc. But when it comes down to it, it's got to be the sheets talking. No other explanation. Because really they have no home in a good way. Hopefully, she never had children with him. But she's just wasting her life with him. It's really a shame and I hope she can move away and have a life that she deserves.

I can sympathize but I just will never understand it.
It's not always about the sex. Reasons people stay are varied. Another common theme is that many people who stay in abusive marriages are repeating a pattern that was taught to them as a child. My ex-wife and I never had sex, so it wasn't the sex keeping us together. Rather, her abusive childhood and my abusive childhood caused what began as a loving healthy relationship to turn into an abusive one. We fell into old patterns. She slipped into being controlling and I slipped into letting her control me. We got stuck because I didn't see a way out and she didn't see what she was doing to me. That is, until a third person entered the story. He allowed me to see what she was doing to me (because she did it to him and I could see clearly when I was on the outside looking in) and offered an "out" and so finally I was able to leave.

Many abuse victims do not see an out and are repeating patterns that they learned as children. Often they don't even realize this themselves so they don't even know what's making them stay. They just know they have a strong pull to stay.

Of course there are also other reasons an abuse victim might stay. For example, if everything the abuse victim "has" (house, finances, etc.) is in the abuser's name, they fear that by leaving they lose everything. They are afraid of losing everything, but unfortunately to keep what they "have" (because in the end they don't really have it, the abuser does) they feel they have to stay with the abuser.

There are many reasons. Sex is one of many possible reasons. Abusive patterns can get quite complex too, so it's not always limited to one reason.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-14-2011, 06:07 PM
 
10,449 posts, read 12,440,457 times
Reputation: 12597
Quote:
Originally Posted by Artsywoman View Post
I know you are right. I was doing great in Florida and as I was 1400 miles away the temptation and chance of running into him was not there and I made the dumb mistake of moving back home. I was meeting friends and doing my thing and enjoying writing etc, but you know how these twits try to talk us into things. This time, I am not coming back, as I think I have learned. Sometimes it takes a village! I have to wait three more months for my lease to run out and now he is not around and if I see him I am running. He is so bad for me. I get high blood pressure and he is so irresponsible and steals money and will not work etc. I mean me and my Cat are better off. I am pretty indpendent anyway and he hated that. I cannot deal with control freaks. He also is on his way to a jail cell more than likely as his Mom said he was being investigated for some type of fraud in food stamps or something. I admit my mistakes and am glad to be gone. I just cannot break my lease and move yet, as it will screw my credit up. It will be here before long. He is so lazy and cheap he will never go to Florida! I am in Northern VA. He already made me lose my job here hanging around too much. I am glad I do not have kids with him, as my Mom dealt with my Dad and I know how awful and stressful that is. Thank God you took care of them and got rid of him. I applaud you!
3 months is a long time in an abusive situation. If you explain the situation to the landlord, they might understand and let you leave earlier. I explained my situation to the bank and social security and so on and they were all very understanding. Most people will make an exception to prevent domestic abuse from continuing.

My best of luck to you. I really hope that you are able to get out for good, get to a safe place, and begin your healing journey.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-14-2011, 08:08 PM
 
Location: syracuse ny
2,412 posts, read 5,077,491 times
Reputation: 2048
http://www.lawhelp.org/documents/406...tateabbrev=/MN

http://www.nydailynews.com/ny_local/2007/07/30/2007-07-30_law_opens_door_to_a_safe_haven.html (broken link)

It's in a buncha states
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-14-2011, 09:14 PM
 
3,409 posts, read 4,639,697 times
Reputation: 1430
Quote:
Originally Posted by Artsywoman View Post
I have been in a relationship with an abusive man for about four years (more like an adolescent) who I know intellectually is immature, irresponsible, sociopathic, rude, unreliable, disrespectful and a host of other bad adjectives, but somehow it is difficult for me to sometimes see an objective view of who he truly is has a person. I seem to have an idealized view of him and want to find some good in him as a person no matter what he does, but his character is truly bad. He has repeatedly emotionally, psychologically, and physically abused me in various ways. I was wondering if there was anyone on this forum who has been thru this in a relationship or understand this behavior I describe and thinks it is bad or if I am exaggerting the behavior he does. He has shoved me, he will make plans and stand me up on important holidays, never show up Xmas, Thanksgiving, buy me gifts, steal money from me, repeatedly not return money I give him or lend him, lie to me, disappear, abuse drugs, force sex acts on me, say he loves me and forget Valentines Day, never remember my Birthday, get drunk and verbally abuse me, promise to pick me up places and never show up. The list goes on. He says he lives with his Mother to assist her as she is elderly, but he is an ex-con and he has not done anything for her or upkeep for the house. She is very upset with him and he does not help her financially and is out of work a lot. He never seems to have any money. He has always had an alcohol and addiciton problem. He is 58 years old and at first I thought he was taking care of his Mother, but in fact it is the other way around and he is taking advantage of her, as he seems to take advantage of me and others. I am embarassed to say that I was interested in him also.
I know I need to speak with a counselor on a long term basis, but I cannot afford this. I have been to a counselor and a group for the short term on a low cost basis and see it is abuse and see the damage and the bad person he is, but it is hard for me to believe that he is really this way when I hear it. It is as if I have this false belief that he is not truly that bad. I was wondering if anyone has been thru this and felt this way about a significant other or wife or husband. I realize I am not alone with this, but it is diffcult. How do you accept that a human being is truly a bad person? I know what he has done to me is wrong and horrible, but how can he not change this behavior? How can he say he loves me and do that? I now know I am not the bad person and cause of his bad behavior and I am trying tonever go back to him, but I cannot seem to understand that he is a bad person. I am afraid I may go back again to this man. I have moved out of state successfully for a year and a half and it helped me, but he drew me back in. I am now regretting that and accepting my mistake, but I am planning to move away far again and this time I do not want to make the same return again. Thank you.
Holy moley , you should just through the book at him. Some guys have a few flaws that could or can be worked out. He has them ALL! Get out why the gettin' is good.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships
Similar Threads

All times are GMT -6. The time now is 02:55 AM.

© 2005-2024, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Contact Us - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37 - Top