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Old 02-15-2011, 07:37 AM
 
Location: Southwest Desert
4,166 posts, read 5,383,361 times
Reputation: 3533

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"You don't hear me...You don't listen to me!" Have you been around people who keep telling you that you don't listen to them? The implication is that I am a mean and "bad person" for not listening or caring...This seems like a tactic to me...A "guilt-trip."...I guess I'm suppose to feel "so guilty" and "so bad" that I say "yes" to everything the person "wants."....If someone keeps telling me that I don't listen to them over and over again in a defensive way there is no "good will" or "middle ground" where we can resolve problems in a mature way...How do you feel about it? Thanks.
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Old 02-15-2011, 08:33 AM
 
Location: Tucson
42,837 posts, read 79,065,992 times
Reputation: 22814
Quote:
Originally Posted by CArizona View Post
"You don't hear me...You don't listen to me!" Have you been around people who keep telling you that you don't listen to them? The implication is that I am a mean and "bad person" for not listening or caring...This seems like a tactic to me...A "guilt-trip."...I guess I'm suppose to feel "so guilty" and "so bad" that I say "yes" to everything the person "wants."....If someone keeps telling me that I don't listen to them over and over again in a defensive way there is no "good will" or "middle ground" where we can resolve problems in a mature way...How do you feel about it? Thanks.
There is a huge difference between "listening" and actually "hearing"! People don't think the other person is hearing impaired; they think he/she lacks empathy.
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Old 02-15-2011, 08:55 AM
 
Location: Southwest Desert
4,166 posts, read 5,383,361 times
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I agree...It's important to have empathy. I think there are many different ways of saying things. Many different ways of trying to get our points across to the people in our life...If I'm trying to tell someone about "my needs" I don't want to get all caught-up in blame and "attacks" because the person I'm talking to will probably start to "tune me out" after awhile and start "slinging mud" back at me!....I think everyone needs to have caring and empathy for each other when "needs" come into "conflict." When blame and defensiveness enter the picture things can go from "bad" to "worse" pretty quickly and this is sad. (Especially when two people really do love each other.)
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Old 02-15-2011, 08:58 AM
 
Location: Texas
43,557 posts, read 52,667,627 times
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The experts say that we spend more of our time planning our response to someone's utterance than actually ever listening to it. And everyone is pretty much guilty of this.

It doesn't matter if you agree or disagree...that's how the person feels. Just listen to it, say it back to them, try to get an idea of why they feel that way...don't worry about whether you think it's true or justifiable or whatever.

That's what they mean by 'listen.'
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Old 02-15-2011, 09:05 AM
 
Location: Tucson
42,837 posts, read 79,065,992 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by stan4 View Post
The experts say that we spend more of our time planning our response to someone's utterance than actually ever listening to it. And everyone is pretty much guilty of this.
Sadly, it's often true.

Quote:
It doesn't matter if you agree or disagree...that's how the person feels. Just listen to it, say it back to them, try to get an idea of why they feel that way...don't worry about whether you think it's true or justifiable or whatever.

That's what they mean by 'listen.'
Many are just too eager to argue, offer solutions, play devil's advocate, all the while dismissing your feelings and problems. After such "talks" you wish you never mentioned anything to them to begin with because you would've felt better.
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Old 02-15-2011, 09:17 AM
 
Location: Southwest Desert
4,166 posts, read 5,383,361 times
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Imagine this scenario...You are trying to share your feelings with someone but the person you are talking to keeps cutting you off and saying that you don't listen to their feelings. In cases like this nobody gets to talk for long. It becomes "tit for tat."
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Old 02-15-2011, 09:25 AM
 
Location: Southwest Desert
4,166 posts, read 5,383,361 times
Reputation: 3533
In healthy relationships the partners have "good will" towards each other. Everything doesn't become a "power struggle." Everything doesn't always slide into "blame" right off the bat or "attacks" or defensiveness etc...When there are "power struggles" in a relationship things can really get "off track."
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Old 02-15-2011, 09:28 AM
 
Location: Tucson
42,837 posts, read 79,065,992 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CArizona View Post
Imagine this scenario...You are trying to share your feelings with someone but the person you are talking to keeps cutting you off and saying that you don't listen to their feelings. In cases like this nobody gets to talk for long. It becomes "tit for tat."
Some people can never understand each other because they're so fundamentally different they can never get where the other person comes from. To me sharing in these cases is absolutely useless and only irritating. I know there's no point in discussing certain topics with certain people and then there are people not to talk with at all. It's usually a mutual feeling. Why would anybody want to keep pushing that square peg in the round hole when the hole won’t get any more square?!
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Old 02-15-2011, 09:31 AM
 
6,309 posts, read 6,100,421 times
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When people tell you that, they can be right. But then again, you will have those who will tell you “…Ooooh you never listen to me!” which actually means “…Ooooh you are not doing WHAT I WANT YOU TO DO”.

Last edited by onihC; 02-15-2011 at 09:50 AM..
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Old 02-15-2011, 09:46 AM
 
Location: Pensacola
104 posts, read 82,651 times
Reputation: 77
Quote:
Originally Posted by CArizona View Post
"You don't hear me...You don't listen to me!" Have you been around people who keep telling you that you don't listen to them? The implication is that I am a mean and "bad person" for not listening or caring...This seems like a tactic to me...A "guilt-trip."...I guess I'm suppose to feel "so guilty" and "so bad" that I say "yes" to everything the person "wants."....If someone keeps telling me that I don't listen to them over and over again in a defensive way there is no "good will" or "middle ground" where we can resolve problems in a mature way...How do you feel about it? Thanks.
Stick to your guns. Don't compromise your self-worth for a man. Or anyone else.
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