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Sorry that my first post was confusing. To clear things up:
First girlfriend after divorce: mid-40's -- Beautiful, smart, money (lawyer) and divorced with no children. Totally fell in love with her. 4 months into relationship, she tells me she is actively trying to get pregnant. As a recently divorced man with 2 kids, I try to wrap my head around this but we broke up a couple months later (everyone agrees that she made sure the hook was set into me before this little fact came out).
Current girlfriend -- dating 4 months; beautiful, smart, loving, a financial wreck. Upside down on her house, getting foreclosed. Going to have north of $250K in student loans by the time she finishes school. 2 kids to put through college (and she claims the ex will be of no help whatsoever when that time comes, soon for one of them). The financial aid came up a few times in conversation in the past, and I always asked her if it was under 6 figures, and "she thought so". But last night I find it's north of $200K. That is just insane.
We had been seriously talking marriage and now I'm completely freaked out. I told her right up front (many times) that if she was looking for someone to save her it wasn't me -- I do well, but I have 2 kids to put through college and currently am saddled with alimony and child support. I guess I kept telling her that up front to ensure she wasn't a gold digger (because my gold isn't going to her). I really don't think she is, but this is financial irresponsibility on a level that I've just never seen, and I'm totally freaked out. If my math is correct, even if she makes $100k after school, at least 30-40% of her post-tax income will go to service this debt (for 30 years!!!!). AND she wants to pay for her kids student loans after they graduate from college.
To her benefit, some of the most brilliant people are just poor business people or just bad money managers. I still say get your job & life in order then you'll be in a position to possibly help her.
She may be the most perfect person for you and just needs someone to control her financials. If you live together, can her income not all go to paying off her debt?
There again, get a job & you'll have more options. If you marry this debt you will always have resentment.
Hmm... I'm really trying to see both sides here. When she told you about her massive debt, what did you say? The relationship is so new, I wouldn't put anything in your name, I wouldn't take on any of her student debt at all. If she is working and not making enough to pay for her housing maybe it's time for her to throw in the towel and really follow through with bankruptcy?
Let me speak as a guy, a business man and a person who is similar to your earning ability (and knows women pretty well)
Before I worried about her I would worry about myself first. You're smart enough to know that being unemployed and burning through your savings is not a good place to be. Untill you get the cash flow coming back in you do not need to take on anymore debt, kids, responsibilities etc.
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Thanks, and I totally agree. That's why I told her months ago, if she was looking for a man to support her, she needed to keep looking because I'm definitely not a find for a gold digger (my non-working ex-wife took care of that lol).
I was unemployed when we first met (been out of work for 6 months now, sigh). I've always told her that marriage isn't even a possibility unless I'm employed. So while we've gotten very close, I have no intent to marry her until that time. And to make things more interesting, I may have to relocate far away for my next job (not a lot of opportunities where I'm at for what I do).
Sorry that my first post was confusing. To clear things up:
...
Good lord man!
You seem to pick doozies. Since you mentioned your marriage went South and it was not your instigation, this makes 3 seriously flawed women. You might need to find out what attracts you to this type and change your selection criteria.
[quote=Rakin;17905967]Let me speak as a guy, a business man and a person who is similar to your earning ability (and knows women pretty well)
Before I worried about her I would worry about myself first. You're smart enough to know that being unemployed and burning through your savings is not a good place to be. Untill you get the cash flow coming back in you do not need to take on anymore debt, kids, responsibilities etc.
Do not make any commitments to anyone until you can afford to make that commitment. High paying jobs are difficult to come by. Get it 1st and then you can make a decision on the woman.
Want to test her true love ? Tell her your savings was just lost in the stock market and you are now completely broke. You'll see how strong her love is when she thinks you have no money.[/quote]
Hmm... I'm really trying to see both sides here. When she told you about her massive debt, what did you say? The relationship is so new, I wouldn't put anything in your name, I wouldn't take on any of her student debt at all. If she is working and not making enough to pay for her housing maybe it's time for her to throw in the towel and really follow through with bankruptcy?
She told me the actual number last night (on the phone). Once I picked myself off the floor, my first question was "did you calculate the return on your education investment before you spent all this money?" -- silence. She has 2 masters degrees and is 3 classes away from her phD, so I think she's been racking this up over years (and deferring judgement day too). Great she's getting a phD, but I think the cold hard facts would show that whatever pay premium she makes, it wasn't worth it.
Also to be clear -- she's not lazy, a drug addict, or have any other pathologies that I can tell. She works really hard, is a great mom and in every other aspect has her head screwed on pretty straight -- and my gut says she truly loves me. I've been around the block a few times, and I know a good match when I'm in one (the financial train wreck notwithstanding) -- And I really don't think she was using dating to find someone to "save" her (at least not as her primary mission lol).
She told me the actual number last night (on the phone). Once I picked myself off the floor, my first question was "did you calculate the return on your education investment before you spent all this money?" -- silence. She has 2 masters degrees and is 3 classes away from her phD, so I think she's been racking this up over years (and deferring judgement day too). Great she's getting a phD, but I think the cold hard facts would show that whatever pay premium she makes, it wasn't worth it.
Also to be clear -- she's not lazy, a drug addict, or have any other pathologies that I can tell. She works really hard, is a great mom and in every other aspect has her head screwed on pretty straight -- and my gut says she truly loves me. I've been around the block a few times, and I know a good match when I'm in one (the financial train wreck notwithstanding) -- And I really don't think she was using dating to find someone to "save" her (at least not as her primary mission lol).
I get that you feel sincere about her and her motives.. my concern is that I see a trend here. Wife took all your money, then the next g//f it was 4 mths into it now this one its that magic number again, 4 mths...
You both are kind of in a tough situation here. You are unemployed and to your credit, you have your own costs (kids, etc...)... I still can't help but feel that yes, she's about to get booted from her home and is setting up her back up plan...
Maybe now would be a good time to take a few days to yourself, step back from the situation and just explain it to her that it's a lot all at once... you just need some breathing space.. see how she reacts.
Want to test her true love ? Tell her your savings was just lost in the stock market and you are now completely broke. You'll see how strong her love is when she thinks you have no money.
Early on in the relationship (before we divulged more particulars of income, assets and debt), I totally played up my being a pauper (even though it's not true). My biggest worry when first dating someone is that they want me for my job title, my money or something else. I really just want them to want me, regardless of any of that other crap. So I totally agree!
Want to test her true love ? Tell her your savings was just lost in the stock market and you are now completely broke. You'll see how strong her love is when she thinks you have no money.
Early on in the relationship (before we divulged more particulars of income, assets and debt), I totally played up my being a pauper (even though it's not true). My biggest worry when first dating someone is that they want me for my job title, my money or something else. I really just want them to want me, regardless of any of that other crap. So I totally agree!
Babe, if you don't find work you WILL be a pauper soon. Just saying...
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