True love -- but too much debt? (husband, responsible, relations)

[buzzsaw333]

Originally Posted by Hobokenkitchen

Are you saying that you would marry your girlfriend and then watch her kids struggle under mountains of debt and have to work through college while yours get a free ride??
I'm sure you'll get lots of support for that on this board, but I personally think that would be a blood awful thing to do.

yeah, pretty much. They are not my kids -- her and her ex have that obligation. My obligation stops at the two kids that I brought into this world.

[buzzsaw333]

Originally Posted by h886

She has shown on multiple fronts that she cannot handle herself financially. So you might envision her using half her income to pay down her debt in 10 years, but has she shown any indication that she would actually do that? I doubt it. She'll likely sooner throw it towards her kids. Just because someone doesn't blow their money on shoes and clothes (the stereotypical money-wasting woman), it doesn't mean they won't throw it away all the same.

That is my biggest worry -- she has a big heart and wants to help everyone -- over Christmas she wanted to fix her nephew's car (he's 19) because she was worried about it. I'm like "look, he's a able-bodied male with a job and no obligations, we all drove POS cars then, you don't need to FIX him". At that point I didn't realize what a hole she was in herself....

[buzzsaw333]

Originally Posted by whitelotus

What's great? Must be the sex cause everything else sounds pretty dismal. You already know you need to end this relationship.....your doubt is justifiably reflected in your topic statement.

yeah, you're right about that

[sierraAZ]

Originally Posted by buzzsaw333

yeah, pretty much. They are not my kids -- her and her ex have that obligation. My obligation stops at the two kids that I brought into this world.

Her kids may not be your obligation per se, but when you marry you're supposed to share everything, money included. What are you going to do if she funnels most of her money in this direction and towards these loans? Are you going to sit with her at the dinner table, gaze "lovingly" at her, eat dinner, and watch her not eat because she's broke?!

[sierraAZ]

Originally Posted by buzzsaw333

yeah, you're right about that

No matter how financially challenged she may be, she'd be better off without you, too!

[h886]

Originally Posted by buzzsaw333

That is my biggest worry -- she has a big heart and wants to help everyone -- over Christmas she wanted to fix her nephew's car (he's 19) because she was worried about it. I'm like "look, he's a able-bodied male with a job and no obligations, we all drove POS cars then, you don't need to FIX him". At that point I didn't realize what a hole she was in herself....

So even more evidence that she can't say no and can't manage her own finances...

Look, she sounds like a nice lady. I agree with you on that. But you need to consider that you and her just may not be a good match for each other. She's got a heart that never stops giving. You've said it yourself that your generosity only extends to the two kids you brought into this world. And you know what? Both of you have fair points. Both positions are valid.

What they aren't is compatible. You'll make her miserable by clinging tightly to your last penny while judging her and she'll make you miserable by throwing away her last penny while judging you.

It sounds like your trouble is that you want to find Mrs. Right and that you're a little too needy to get that part of your life ironed out. I think that's why you keep trying to make these women who are clearly not matches fit. Might be better to end this now when you're only a few months in and look around until you find someone who matches your personality better.

[buzzsaw333]

Originally Posted by h886

It sounds like your trouble is that you want to find Mrs. Right and that you're a little too needy to get that part of your life ironed out. I think that's why you keep trying to make these women who are clearly not matches fit. Might be better to end this now when you're only a few months in and look around until you find someone who matches your personality better.

I don't think I'm needy, I think I don't like surprises. What drives me nuts is the last 2 girlfriends hold back information until I'm deeply emotionally attached (first one knowingly with the "I want a baby at 45" thing, this one probably just from inept money management). I try to make sure I get all the skeletons in my closet out the door in the first couple of weeks of a new relationship, so if there is a dealbreaker we can both go our own ways and no harm done. It's the "emerging information" that people like to do that I can't stand. I guess it's just human nature, but she can't seriously expect me to just say "I love you baby, no matter what you deceived me about".

[seeniorita]

OP, after reading all of your posts and responses. I hope you wake up to the reality of things. You *hope* she gets a job paying $77k per year, hell I'm sure you *hope* you get a job so you don't have to end up working menial jobs to get by or lose everything you've worked to save.

I know you like her and want to make this work but be smart and protect yourself. No one says you have to get married, pay her bills, etc. If she truly wants to make things work, she will do what's necessary to get her own financial issues on track.

She may be smart but from what I've read so far it's "book" smart more than common sense. I don't think I've read what field she is pursing her PHD in?

She gets $2600 a month in child support, works 3 jobs and STILL can't afford to keep her home because the payment went up $600? If she's that close to being homeless, someone is lying about where the money is going.

[bustaduke]

Originally Posted by buzzsaw333

yeah, pretty much. They are not my kids -- her and her ex have that obligation. My obligation stops at the two kids that I brought into this world.

I was going to give you advice on your girlfriends money problems but if this is how you truly feel then you should never marry anyone.

Kids from a previous marriage should be treated as your own, if you can't do this the relationship will never work.

You can say that her debt is not yours once you marry. And you can say her kids are not your responsibility once you marry, but you are wrong.

You can't marry someone without taking on whatever debt, kids, problems they have. If you think you can then you are a fool. Either you love the person completely or you don't love them at all.

busta

[h886]

Originally Posted by buzzsaw333

I don't think I'm needy, I think I don't like surprises. What drives me nuts is the last 2 girlfriends hold back information until I'm deeply emotionally attached (first one knowingly with the "I want a baby at 45" thing, this one probably just from inept money management). I try to make sure I get all the skeletons in my closet out the door in the first couple of weeks of a new relationship, so if there is a dealbreaker we can both go our own ways and no harm done. It's the "emerging information" that people like to do that I can't stand. I guess it's just human nature, but she can't seriously expect me to just say "I love you baby, no matter what you deceived me about".

Agree and disagree with this. I think everyone reveals bits and pieces about themselves as they become more invested and the ones who accuse the others are usually just not being as honest. Let me ask you, have you come straight out and said what you said here:

"They are not my kids -- her and her ex have that obligation. My obligation stops at the two kids that I brought into this world."

My suspicion is that you haven't been quite that blunt with her. Some would consider that a bit of deception too. While I do feel it's good to get information out on the table quickly, maybe the lawyer woman didn't feel you would be so concerned over the idea of her having a baby. After all, you have two kids of your own. Or if having a baby is important to her, maybe she didn't really care whether you decided to stay or go... perhaps deciding that if you were so shallow as to leave over her becoming pregnant, you never really cared about her in the first place. Just saying, there are lots of ways to spin things and we all have to think about our own needs.

Plus, it seems like you do move quickly. You describe yourself as "deeply emotionally attached" to both of these women after only 4 months of dating. You're also sleeping with them before you take the time to really learn about them. That may be the way things go nowadays in the dating world, but there's something to be said for taking the time to get to know someone thoroughly before you get in over your head. Might want to examine if you have that tendency...

But again, none of this ultimately changes my advice. Though both of you have fair positions, it seems you are not good for each other. Might be best to move on and try to find someone more compatible rather than beating this dead horse.