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Old 02-18-2011, 04:24 PM
 
172 posts, read 288,157 times
Reputation: 117

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Hi all,



I am feeling emotionally messed up right now. I spent the evening hanging out with my ex thinking that I had given myself enough time apart and was emotionally ready to continue on as friends. Everything was going along well at first, but as the evening progressed, old feelings started to surface, and we were back in each other's arms (we didn't have sexual intercourse, but came close). It felt good at the time, but a day later, I feel awful. We still have feelings for each other, but since he doesn't feel strongly enough about me to want to marry me, I broke up with him. He said that feelings are often irrational. In the past, he's fallen in love with women who were not right for him, but felt that we were a good match, get along extremely well, but could not understand why he did not feel strongly enough about me to want to marry me. He even went to counseling and the counselor said that you feel what you feel. It's either there or it isn't. In order to save myself from even more pain and heartache, I am discontinuing all contact until I'm completely over him.


What has me especially messed up is that he continues to and has always behaved in a manner that was extremely loving, affectionate, kind, considerate, and adoring. The reality is that his actions don't necessarily end up matching what he was/is really feeling - it's just his personality. He said that he's learned that he tends to rush into expressing his love and affection verbally, without checking to see if he's sure his feelings will last for the long term. In the beginning of our relationship he said that he felt that he wanted to marry me. However, as time progressed, his feelings did not stay as strong as they were initially and he had a change of heart.


My question is: for the next relationship, even if a man acts and behaves as though he's totally into you, his heart may not be keeping pace with his actions. So how do I know if this is the case or not?? You see, if I would've known that my ex was not feeling as strongly about me as he'd originallly seemed, I would have keep my options open and my emotions in check.



Thanks in advance for your replies.
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Old 02-18-2011, 04:53 PM
 
458 posts, read 636,289 times
Reputation: 850
the formal act of getting married holds a lot more meaning to women than it does to men. a man can be very satisfied just being in a commited relationship for years, where a woman thinks she "must" get married. when these 2 types are together, one or the other must bite the bullet and accept the other person's choice.

my wife and i dated for 8 years before we married. she would have married me after 6 months if i asked, but i was not ready to be married again. i told her that when the time was right, we would talk about it. she accepted this, and even though it bothered her she stuck it out because we truly loved each other. she never held it over my head to "get married or split up", if she had then i can honestly say i would have told her i'm sorry she feels that way, better luck with the next one. it had NOTHING to do with how i felt about her, it was about the fact that to me marriage is a piece of paper and the feelings for each other are how you judge a relationship.

as far as feelings changing, the way love feels does change over time. if either one thinks this change means the relationship is over, then it is for the best that you did not marry.

oh, and having conatct with him is not going to help you emotionally. i know it is nice to be friends with an ex, but not everyone can do it. maybe the best bet would be to just move on. ignore his calls, and don't dwell on him. don't initiate contact either, especially if you are single or in an unfulfilling relationship. it will only serve to stir up old emotions even years down the road.
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Old 02-18-2011, 04:53 PM
 
Location: Southern California
15,088 posts, read 15,788,534 times
Reputation: 10237
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nicegurl View Post
Hi all,
...

My question is: for the next relationship, even if a man acts and behaves as though he's totally into you, his heart may not be keeping pace with his actions. So how do I know if this is the case or not?? You see, if I would've known that my ex was not feeling as strongly about me as he'd originallly seemed, I would have keep my options open and my emotions in check.



Thanks in advance for your replies.
I don't think it is possible to really know. And not just in matters of love but in all matters.
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Old 02-18-2011, 04:55 PM
 
Location: Tucson
42,837 posts, read 73,701,910 times
Reputation: 22814
Quote:
Originally Posted by gvillesux View Post
my wife and i dated for 8 years before we married

to me marriage is a piece of paper
Just out of curiosity, what changed your mind?
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Old 02-18-2011, 05:02 PM
 
11,552 posts, read 13,131,263 times
Reputation: 12706
I think if you refuse to be with a man who is extremely loving, effectionate, considerate, and adoring to you just because he doesn't want to sign on the dotted line for a marriage, you might never find that perfect man. Marriage is just a word and a piece of paper......you might easily find a man who will marry you, but he might treat you poorly, lie, cheat, disrespect you etc.....that piece of paper you so covet cannot guarantee that he will be good to you, nor does it protect you from any other abuses...sounds to me like you might have let a good man go.....
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Old 02-18-2011, 05:03 PM
 
458 posts, read 636,289 times
Reputation: 850
she is my soulmate, and i knew it was her desire to get married so i did it for her. don't take that the wrong way, i am happy being married. but i could be just as happy with our relationship if we were not formally married. i really can't put it into words, i am just a man after all!
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Old 02-18-2011, 05:12 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,264 posts, read 81,704,398 times
Reputation: 39500
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nicegurl View Post
Hi all,



I am feeling emotionally messed up right now. I spent the evening hanging out with my ex thinking that I had given myself enough time apart and was emotionally ready to continue on as friends. Everything was going along well at first, but as the evening progressed, old feelings started to surface, and we were back in each other's arms (we didn't have sexual intercourse, but came close). It felt good at the time, but a day later, I feel awful. We still have feelings for each other, but since he doesn't feel strongly enough about me to want to marry me, I broke up with him. He said that feelings are often irrational. In the past, he's fallen in love with women who were not right for him, but felt that we were a good match, get along extremely well, but could not understand why he did not feel strongly enough about me to want to marry me. He even went to counseling and the counselor said that you feel what you feel. It's either there or it isn't. In order to save myself from even more pain and heartache, I am discontinuing all contact until I'm completely over him.


What has me especially messed up is that he continues to and has always behaved in a manner that was extremely loving, affectionate, kind, considerate, and adoring. The reality is that his actions don't necessarily end up matching what he was/is really feeling - it's just his personality. He said that he's learned that he tends to rush into expressing his love and affection verbally, without checking to see if he's sure his feelings will last for the long term. In the beginning of our relationship he said that he felt that he wanted to marry me. However, as time progressed, his feelings did not stay as strong as they were initially and he had a change of heart.


My question is: for the next relationship, even if a man acts and behaves as though he's totally into you, his heart may not be keeping pace with his actions. So how do I know if this is the case or not?? You see, if I would've known that my ex was not feeling as strongly about me as he'd originallly seemed, I would have keep my options open and my emotions in check.



Thanks in advance for your replies.
Kudos to you for knowing yourself well enough to not sell yourself short on the things that matter to you! You just didn't give yourself enough time away from your ex before trying to be his "friend". Good for you for realizing you have to back far away now and give it more time before you try THAT again

Your ex sounds like he has committment issues, and I'm guessing family issues in his immediate family as he was growing up. But that is not your problem to figure out - just want you to know no matter how much you love someone, when they cannot reciprocate it is smart to move on.

Just because you ended up with a committement phobe once doesn't mean it will happen again, and I hope it doesn't! But just be sure to take your time with the next guy before you put your whole heart out there. If you do this you will be more likely to know before you get hurt what you are getting in to.

Best of luck!
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Old 02-19-2011, 05:47 PM
 
72 posts, read 86,503 times
Reputation: 84
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nicegurl View Post
Hi all,



I am feeling emotionally messed up right now. I spent the evening hanging out with my ex thinking that I had given myself enough time apart and was emotionally ready to continue on as friends. Everything was going along well at first, but as the evening progressed, old feelings started to surface, and we were back in each other's arms (we didn't have sexual intercourse, but came close). It felt good at the time, but a day later, I feel awful. We still have feelings for each other, but since he doesn't feel strongly enough about me to want to marry me, I broke up with him. He said that feelings are often irrational. In the past, he's fallen in love with women who were not right for him, but felt that we were a good match, get along extremely well, but could not understand why he did not feel strongly enough about me to want to marry me. He even went to counseling and the counselor said that you feel what you feel. It's either there or it isn't. In order to save myself from even more pain and heartache, I am discontinuing all contact until I'm completely over him.


What has me especially messed up is that he continues to and has always behaved in a manner that was extremely loving, affectionate, kind, considerate, and adoring. The reality is that his actions don't necessarily end up matching what he was/is really feeling - it's just his personality. He said that he's learned that he tends to rush into expressing his love and affection verbally, without checking to see if he's sure his feelings will last for the long term. In the beginning of our relationship he said that he felt that he wanted to marry me. However, as time progressed, his feelings did not stay as strong as they were initially and he had a change of heart.


My question is: for the next relationship, even if a man acts and behaves as though he's totally into you, his heart may not be keeping pace with his actions. So how do I know if this is the case or not?? You see, if I would've known that my ex was not feeling as strongly about me as he'd originallly seemed, I would have keep my options open and my emotions in check.



Thanks in advance for your replies.
Unfortunately there is no way to know for sure. You just have to hope it works out that way. The only was is through their actions and you said in your post he was very affectionate. It is possible he did love you but is not ready to get married at this time in his life, or ever.

If marriage is something that is important to you, then your going to have to give this man up and try to find someone that is a better fit for you.

Also you don't need him as a friend. Don't contact him anymore, it just brings up your old wounds. You need to make yourself strong if your going to move on.
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Old 02-19-2011, 05:55 PM
 
7,508 posts, read 3,379,997 times
Reputation: 3879
Quote:
Originally Posted by purehuman View Post
I think if you refuse to be with a man who is extremely loving, effectionate, considerate, and adoring to you just because he doesn't want to sign on the dotted line for a marriage, you might never find that perfect man. Marriage is just a word and a piece of paper......you might easily find a man who will marry you, but he might treat you poorly, lie, cheat, disrespect you etc.....that piece of paper you so covet cannot guarantee that he will be good to you, nor does it protect you from any other abuses...sounds to me like you might have let a good man go.....
Some people don't see marriage as "just a word" and a "piece of paper".
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Old 02-19-2011, 07:56 PM
 
1,646 posts, read 1,932,858 times
Reputation: 860
Quote:
Originally Posted by Citrine Summer View Post
Unfortunately there is no way to know for sure. You just have to hope it works out that way. The only was is through their actions and you said in your post he was very affectionate. It is possible he did love you but is not ready to get married at this time in his life, or ever.

If marriage is something that is important to you, then your going to have to give this man up and try to find someone that is a better fit for you.

Also you don't need him as a friend. Don't contact him anymore, it just brings up your old wounds. You need to make yourself strong if your going to move on.
I would just let go of that friendship. It is just not good for you.
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