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You know, sayings like this are very idealistic and people in the forums throw them away easily. No offense, but how many of you did actually go through years of an improvement process? How many did actually succeed? Because you don't seem to know where it can lead in the long run.
You know, I agree with you. I also felt the same way about such phrases but now I believe I am on the right track.
Have I changed? Yes and no. My IQ hasn't changed. My mental speed has not increased. My desire to do right and good has not changed. I still pursue the same old interests. The people I call "friends" seem to be the same type and intelligence. The guys who hit on me are of the same quality. The first thought that comes to mind still needs to be thrown out. I am not a smooth talking person who always knows what to say. I still make mistakes. I am happy but not happier. When I achieve something, these things pretty much remain the same.
What has changed is that I no longer strive for perfection and I don't expect perfection from others. I no longer put people on a pedestal. I just accept that I did the best I could with what I had and move on, no worrying about the things I did or said. If am worried about something, I act. I don't continue on the same path. The major difference is that for once I feel like I have control over what happens to me. The things I don't have control over, I don't worry about. Therefore, my happiness has taken on a different meaning, which is why it hasn't increased.
Does any of this ring true to you? It may not. Its is my own experience. It is a path I took, that I chose.
So back to the philosophical saying:
Your time on the path is no less valuable than time after arrival.
The path is living life in this imperfect world.
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I did want to address the talkative person who you think can control a girl by keeping the conversation going. Are you referring to a guy who does not respect the word "no"? Are you referring to a girl who doesn't know how to say "no" and leaves room for a guy to persuade her even if she really didn't want to do it?
h886, you have spotted something that I may have to change in the way I speak to people. I usually tend to be quite witty and sarcastic and there have been a couple of times when, while I thought I was just being funny, some people didn't like my comments. I'm trying to tone it down, but I'm kind of worried that if I stop making these comments, I might end being too boring. I'm so used to this kind of humour, that if I stop using it, in many situations I may not know what to say.
crisan, what I meant is not actually "controlling" women. I'm referring to a guy who starts a conversation and, even if at first the woman doesn't find him attractive, she starts liking him more as they speak longer.
I'm speaking of that envy you feel when you see some of your friends in couple. Lately I had been able to pretty much forget about women (seems to be the best for me, since I am unable to get any dates) and have a good time. But in the last weeks a couple of friends have a girlfriend and these girls often come with the group now.
Don't get me wrong, these guys are good friends and I wish everything goes well for them. But I can't help noticing how easily they got such nice girls, and how well they are together. And it hurts. A lot, at some moments. I fear that this might be a problem on the long run, or prevent me from going out with my friends if the feeling gets worse. But I don't really know what to do about this.
So, does any of you have a similar situation? Did you find any way to feel better?
No similar situation, but here's a thought... get your life together shug... just get it together. You're wasting time envying others.
Envy? More like feelings of loneliness, despair, depression, and sometimes even helplessness...I'm not completely sure what I felt could be classified as "envy", if only b/c I wished the "friend couple", if you will, well, the best, and all the happiness in the world, at the same time.
If we're talking about envy = jealousy, then most certainly not; I didn't feel that way.
Fascinating...
Quote:
Originally Posted by carra
I'm speaking of that envy you feel when you see some of your friends in couple. Lately I had been able to pretty much forget about women (seems to be the best for me, since I am unable to get any dates) and have a good time. But in the last weeks a couple of friends have a girlfriend and these girls often come with the group now.
Don't get me wrong, these guys are good friends and I wish everything goes well for them. But I can't help noticing how easily they got such nice girls, and how well they are together. And it hurts. A lot, at some moments. I fear that this might be a problem on the long run, or prevent me from going out with my friends if the feeling gets worse. But I don't really know what to do about this.
So, does any of you have a similar situation? Did you find any way to feel better?
Last edited by Phoenix2017; 02-21-2011 at 09:30 AM..
Reason: Corrected typo
carra, most people know what they are doing wrong. It seems that you have convinced yourself that a guy has to prove himself likable but a woman doesn't. Its seems that every girl you are attracted to says the right thing from the start but you don't seem to.
I'm speaking of that envy you feel when you see some of your friends in couple. Lately I had been able to pretty much forget about women (seems to be the best for me, since I am unable to get any dates) and have a good time. But in the last weeks a couple of friends have a girlfriend and these girls often come with the group now.
Don't get me wrong, these guys are good friends and I wish everything goes well for them. But I can't help noticing how easily they got such nice girls, and how well they are together. And it hurts. A lot, at some moments. I fear that this might be a problem on the long run, or prevent me from going out with my friends if the feeling gets worse. But I don't really know what to do about this.
So, does any of you have a similar situation? Did you find any way to feel better?
Instead of envying ..why dont you admire them, and look how they treat their women..you might learn something..
Envy is normal, but like all things, only to a certain degree.
If you're miserable because your buddies are happy, you're doing something wrong.
And even if you find a great woman to settle down with, you will probably carry that envy into your relationship. You might start envying your friend's houses or cars or even still envy them for their wives.
You should focus on being happy, whatever that means to you. I had some rough times when I was single, but overall, I enjoyed myself a lot. Single life can be a lot more interesting than settling down with someone. You can do what you want, when you want and how you want. Romantic encounters are often short lived but they are intense and make up great memories. I love the mother of my children immensely, but if I became single tomorrow, I would probably be just as happy as I am today (except for the mandatory emo self-pity post-breakup).
What you have mentioned so far seems sensible and logical. However, I find it ever harder to just use plain logic to handle my emotions, it doesn't seem to work in the long run. I mean, I do know that I shouldn't be comparing myself to others. I do know that I shouldn't think of my situation in terms of fair or unfair: things are just what they are and "fairness" is just an artificial term. I know all these things and I have been telling myself that, but it only worked for a while.
You know, it has already been long years being alone and watching other people easily getting what I want, while I tried and tried for nothing. I know I should not THINK about it this way, but I can't help to FEEL this way. That's the difference: Maybe I can't actually be "convinced", logically, to not feel this way. I did follow the usual advice: I focused in other aspects of my life, and they go pretty well, but it never really helps me not feel envy at some points.
About blind dates or bringing female friends, well it could be entertaining but so far it never worked. There's something that makes me unattractive to women and I can't solve the problem because I haven't even figured out what it is. So since I never get any woman to like me I guess it's better trying to forget about dating. That's what I have been doing the last months.
^ This right here could be some of it. Never act or feel jealous of others. It is a huge turn off for accomplished people. Even worse is to ridicule or insult them in attempts to save face with yourself. Only guys who don't know me get jealous of me. The ones who do know me never feel that way. Is that odd? No, it is not, but don't point the finger until you know ALL the facts. My friends know what I had to do to get to this point. They will be the last to criticize or step on my Johnson.
Instead of envying ..why dont you admire them, and look how they treat their women..you might learn something..
Jeepgirl, you seem to be making a mistake I used to make. Logic and words do not work to make somebody feel differently. Last time you were, say, afraid of something, did you stop being afraid just by wishing it? That's why my thread is titled "how to cope with envy" instead of "how not to feel envy".
Quote:
Originally Posted by GeorgeLucasLongLostChin
If you're miserable because your buddies are happy, you're doing something wrong.
Oh, that's not it. I feel envy not because they are happy. I feel it because they were always able to do, without any effort, something that I have never been able to achieve even with my best efforts. Deep inside I can't help wondering (even when I KNOW I shouldn't) if it is fair at all, or if I am just that unattractive for no woman to ever find me desirable.
Jeepgirl, you seem to be making a mistake I used to make. Logic and words do not work to make somebody feel differently. Last time you were, say, afraid of something, did you stop being afraid just by wishing it? That's why my thread is titled "how to cope with envy" instead of "how not to feel envy".
Oh, that's not it. I feel envy not because they are happy. I feel it because they were always able to do, without any effort, something that I have never been able to achieve even with my best efforts. Deep inside I can't help wondering (even when I KNOW I shouldn't) if it is fair at all, or if I am just that unattractive for no woman to ever find me desirable.
That's how I did/do it. It's do or die, you have to do it. I used to feel the same way about being out all day in subzero weather -20 F and so forth. After awhile it is NO big deal!
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More like feelings of loneliness, despair, depression, and sometimes even helplessness...I'm not completely sure what I felt could be classified as "envy", if only b/c I wished the "friend couple", if you will, well, the best, and all the happiness in the world, at the same time.
