I received closure yesterday - it hurt like hell, but I can finally move on - thank you (dating, wife)

[Nicegurl]

all for you help and support during this difficult time.


After taking a little over a month apart, my ex and I reconnected, and tried to reestablish a friendship. Since we are both still attracted to each other, we ended up messing around (no sex though). Needless to say, this messed me up emotionally and was not helping me to move on.

We spent the day together yesterday touring around the stunningly beautiful beaches in Norcal. I took this opportunity to ask unresolved questions that I had about our relationship and our breakup. One of the questions that I asked was what does it mean when a man browses through pictures and profiles of other women online even though he is in a committed relationship? He informed me that was an orange flag that indicated that the man was no longer completely happy in his relationship and was starting to look at other options. I then told him that I'd looked at his online profile recently, and found out (to my surprise) that while I was in Spain on holiday last December, he was browsing at profiles and pictures of other women (he did not contact them). He put his head down and told me that he didn't remember doing that, but it would mean that he was starting to question our relationship and how happy he was being in it. I was shocked. You see, what confused me was the fact that while I was in Spain on holiday last December, he was writing me and emailing me daily, telling me how much he missed me, and wished that he was there with me (he had to work). I told him that could not understand how could he act as though he was happy, yet browse online. I'd also noticed that during the year that we'd been together, he'd never looked at other women's profiles before.

I then asked him what would have happened if I hadn't broken up with him? He put his head down again, and said that at some point down the road, he probably would have come to the realization that he was no longer happy in the relationship and would have eventually broken up with me to look for a higher feeling of passion and intensity that he did not feel with me. I now realize that breaking up with him when I did, saved me from being dumped and left devastated in the long run!

You see, when he picked me up from the airport after I returned from Spain in January, I had a 'funny feeling' (I didn't find out that he was browsing until recently), and asked him where our relationship was heading. That's when he told me that he wasn't sure, and I broke up with him. Thank god for that intuition!!!


I also asked him if the ex that he'd felt the intensity with had a change of heart and wanted to take him back, if he would go? He thought for a moment and said that he would. The fact that he would take her back indicates that he still has unresolved feelings for her, which means that I never had a real chance with him anyway. He also told me that when she broke up with him 3 1/2 years ago, he wanted to drive himself into the freeway divider wall on the way back home from her house, killing himself. He said that the only thing that stopped him was thinking about how much his daughter needed him.

I was stunned at what I learned yesterday! He kept telling me that he truly cared for me and loved me, and that I was the best girlfriend that he'd ever had, but it wasn't enough because he did not have the intensity or depth of feelings. I told him that I felt as though he'd strung me along by giving me false hope that we had a future together. He said that although he'd felt strongly for me initially, those feelings changed. He also said that contacting the ex last November to help her with his computer problems, also made him question how he felt about me.


After he told me all this, he informed me that he wanted very much to remain my friend, to help me if I needed him when I had my surgery (I need to have a hysterectomy), and to be there to listen to me if I needed to talk to him about anything that is troubling me. I am so hurt and upset by his latest revelations, that I cut off contact with him until I can heal 100%.

Although his honesty hurt very deeply, I feel that I have finally gotten the closure that I need in order to let go and move forward. I am still hurting and crying, but with time, that feeling will go away. The other thing that I am truly, truly happy about is the fact that I did not contract Herpes 2 from him. He has had it for the past 30 years. While together, we used condoms and he took medicine. If I would have contracted it, after everything that I learned and went through, I would have been totally devastated.

After this experience, I do not feel that I can give my heart to another man for a very long time.

The lesson for women to be learned is: don't always go by how the guy treats you, or what he says - follow your gut instinct, continuously check in with the person to see if you are both on the same page (hopefully, they will be honest with you). Also, look at what the man tells you about his past relationships. Looking back, there were signs, but I overlooked them because he was so wonderful and gave me the love, affection, and romance that I needed and wanted

He is now back online flirting and working on meeting his next girlfriend.

Thank you all so much for your support!

[MattB4]

Originally Posted by Nicegurl

...

The lesson for women to be learned is: don't always go by how the guy treats you, or what he says - follow your gut instinct, continuously check in with the person to see if you are both on the same page (hopefully, they will be honest with you). Also, look at what the man tells you about his past relationships. Looking back, there were signs, but I overlooked them because he was so wonderful and gave me the love, affection, and romance that I needed and wanted

...

But have you learned any lesson at all? The next guy that seems to be wonderful, gives you the seeming love, affection, and fake romance that you needed will likely take advantage of you also. This is because you enjoy that kind of relationship. It makes you feel loved and needed.

Instead of following your "gut instinct" (which is frequently wrong since it is emotional) follow good sense. If something looks too good to be true it usually is not. Use your brain!

[mysticaltyger]

It sounds to me like both you and your ex put too much emphasis on passion/feelings/being in love and not enough on other, more practical qualities. Being in love is important, but it's never enough all by itself to sustain anything. It took me a long time to figure this out.

As far as the closure thing goes, most of the time you already know the answer but don't like it. Closure isn't necessary. It took me a long time to figure that out, too.

[Liberated]

Thank you for this post NG.
Your message is hitting very close to home for me now.

[98db]

It's always hard to tell your significant other when your feelings change for the worse. I've stayed in relationships because I couldn't deal with the anxiety of having that conversation. In hind sight, it's just cruel to lead someone on, and it's not fair to me to stay in something that I do not see a future in.

This happened to me, and it was difficult because by the time I had realized she had cashed in her emotional chips, I was still very much in love with her even though I knew that the chances of either of us making the other happy were slim.

[sun queen]

Congrats, closure is a beautiful thing... I got some myself and it stings like bee, but it gets sweeter with time...

[onegreatnurse]

It sucks, but good for you that you broke up with him. I had this happen to me, the guy just almost suddenly started treating me like ****, and I took it for about a month before I finally confronted him. He didn't have the balls to break up with me so instead it was a "forced outing." He made it so evident that he didn't want to be with me anymore that it would have been impossible not to notice instead of just calling it quits. It was hard but I ended it and it took a while but I have moved on....and so will you.

[merce79]

You say to pay attention to what he says about his past relationships..what do you mean by that? Just curious ive had an ex problem with my boyfriend.

[Nicegurl]

Originally Posted by merce79

You say to pay attention to what he says about his past relationships..what do you mean by that? Just curious ive had an ex problem with my boyfriend.

Maya Angelou wisely said, "The first time someone shows you who they are...BELIEVE them."

Sign #1:

We were long distance penpal/email friends before we became romantically involved, and he told me that he had fallen deeply in love with a woman nine months after he split from his ex-wife, whom he'd been married to for many years. He also told me about the dynamics of his relationship with this woman, as well as the dynamics of his relationship with his ex-wife. Both relationships were toxic in that both women emasculated him and he repeatedly tried to "fix" the situation by changing himself and compromising his self-respect.

Sign #2:

When this woman dumped him, he started dating other women. He eventually met another woman and they dated for four months. When she started talking about moving in, he panicked and broke up with her (I call her rebound girlfriend #1). At the same time, his ex girlfriend had also gotten back in touch out of the blue and he thought that he might have a chance with her - he didn't. He admitted to me that he led the rebound girlfriend on by giving her mixed signals (a red flag). Two months later, he and I became romantically involved. Another red flag, which clearly showed that he jumps from relationship to relationship because he doesn't like being alone.


Since hindsight is 20/20, I see that he has a pattern of getting involved in unhealthy and dysfunctional relationships with women whom he loves more than them, and who criticize and try to change him. Even though our relationship was healthy, and we both treated each other with kindness and respect, it was drama free and deep down inside he longs for that drama. It is clear that he'd never truly gotten over the ex that dumped him, and I now realize that I was rebound girlfriend #2.