when should i call it quits? (Christian, how to, married, woman)

[mommy0910]

my husband and i got married 2 years ago at 19 because i was pregnant with our first child. nov 2010 we had our 2nd child and he NEVER helps at night. he promises he will and yells at our baby and tells me when he does wake up that he's tired and has to work the next day. well when i work during the week and he has off(he is an emt and his schedule varies) he cant get the baby so i could sleep b.c i don't get to sleep in the next day. it's very frustrating and i always feel so alone. yeah,i have 2 kids but i need adults in my life. he made me move like 45 minutes away from all of my family and friends b/c he said it would be better this way. well his family lives 10 minutes away and he sees them all the time. i hardly ever get to see my family and when i want to go there he says it's a waste of gas.
basically, i feel like we are both in it for our kids. i know it's wrong but i couldnt take them away from their dad. i'm not really sure what to do or say anymore. please help.

[Hueffenhardt]

I am sorry to hear that you are having such difficulties, but I think that you'll get better responses in the Relationships forum: http://www.city-data.com/forum/relationships/ This forum is more about Kansas.

But, I used to be a psychologist and one book that I'd highly recommend is: Reconcilable Differences by Christiansen and Jacobson: Amazon.com: Reconcilable Differences (9781572302617): Andrew Christensen Phd, Neil S. Jacobson Phd, Neil S. Jacobson, Andrew Christensen: Books It focuses on both of you getting your needs met.

[Nite Ryder]

Growing up is tough, don't you agree? Having two kids and raising them is not always fun, but they are your kids, and you had them, so it is your responsibility to take care of them. You aren't the first young woman that got pregnant and had to get married, and you won't be the last. But you are the one that brought these two kids into the world. If you leave your husband how will you support two kids? You can not depend on child support from a husband, and it is not your families responsibility to help you, they didn't get you into this mess. You made a mistake that is not easy to fix, it will take hard work and lots of missed sleep. Talk to your husband, try a different tactic with him than you have in the past. Calling it quits should be the last resort, unless you are a very lazy, immature person, who isn't willing to accept responsibly for your own actions.

[mandyccp]

I was in a similar situation. I got married at 19 and then found out 2 months later that I was 6 weeks pregnant. My husband not helping me with our son was the end all of our relationship. I worked the same hours he did, and at the same place. Luckily, it was a large company so we didn't see each other much at work.

Anyway, I stayed with my husband until my son could talk well. That varies for some kids but my son was 2 1/2. At that point, I felt confident that my son could tell me if his daddy wasn't doing what he needed to be doing when he had him. Ex: He could answer yes or not if I asked if he ate good at daddy's, if he took all his medicine at daddy's, if he had baths at daddy's. I tried to steer away from asking like "Did daddy feed you?" so that it would seem more like I was interested in his time with dad and less interested in if dad was doing what needed to be done. After a while of good answers, I stopped asking, because I felt confident my son was being taken care of.

I couldn't leave before then because in my son's first year and a half, my husband helped with almost nothing. I had to make sure. Now, had it been an abusive relationship, I would have left the second it happened so every situation is different. It's a personal choice when to leave.

Maybe seek counseling or try to have a serious discussion when the baby is asleep. Use "I feel, I need, I want, I don't enjoy" statements so you don't appear to be attacking him so hopefully he won't fly off the handle. Good luck to you!

[killakoolaide]

Men are just not as good with newborn babies, it's not our fault, Cut him some slack.

[suedonym]

first- get on birth control

second- TALK to hubby. dont accuse, use the i feel statements like another poster suggested

third- being married is hard. having kids is hard. doing it at such a young age is even harder.

youve either got to find a way to make it work (ie do you too really love each other) or, grow up and move on (which wont be easy)

when one has to work in the morning, and the other doesnt, the one who doesnt have to get up early should do most of the overnight stuff. how old is the baby? i know it feels like they never sleep through the night, but they do eventually. usually around a couple of months old. try to get baby on a schedule, if possible. it will make it easier for both of you. be patient with hubby. babies are scary to a lot of men. the feedings, changings, bath time... foreign territory to a lot of guys, especially if you are breast feeding.

[SD4020]

Anyway you cut it... You both need to grow up. You have two children. You are adults living in an adult world.

You should have used multiple forms of birth control if you feel the need to recreate. You have two lives that depend on both of you. You can't go back or change that now.

As far as what you two do... You both need to sit down and talk and resolve this. You can't accuse him. Try to look at things through his eyes. Also share what is going on in your mind.

[VBmom]

While I think husbands should help out with the kids, I think you need to cut him some slack. Sometimes they don't know how to help and don't want to make a mistake. I have seen so many mothers "take over" because the Dad doesn't do it "their way". What that leads to is Dad thinking, "I can't do it right so why try." Not saying this is the case for you but almost every mother I have ever known who said their husband's didn't help out was usually guilty of this kind of action.

Also, some of us are more nurturing than others. That's why it's best to discuss these things before babies are concieved. But that's neither here nor there at this point. You have them, you have to care for them and if you think he's not helping now....what will happen when he's not living in the same house? That's right...he won't be involved then either.
Your best bet is to stay in the marriage, try to work on things and be a loving mother to the two precious babies that you brought into this world. It's not their fault, it's yours. You need to grow up and deal with the fact that you did this to yourself and you have to make it work. Leaving your husband will only make it harder on yourself, not easier. Being a single mother of two kids is difficult in the best of situations. I know, I've been there.

[Wilson513]

Do you have a job outside the home? If not, grow up and take care of the kids and let your husband alone.

[CarolVa1977]

Sounds like you husband is verbally abusive. Also isolating you from your family is not good. Do you work? Can you fend for yourself alone financially?