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Unread 02-28-2011, 02:34 AM
 
16 posts, read 8,935 times
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Default Women, would it be a turn off if you had to wear the pants in the relationship?

For instance, if someone rang the bell in the middle of the night, you'd have to be the one to go and answer the door.

At the restaurant, you have to signal the waiter and get a table and the check.

You have to plan your trips abroad, know where the hotel is, how to get there, ask local people for directions and so on.

You have to be the one that shakes off vendors and beggars.

And so on, and so on...

I do find myself in this position, and while everything else is ok, and I appreciate many sides of him, I just can't bring myself to see him as a man that would protect me. Sometimes I wonder if there is any future for us, other times I feel like a B**** because I let things like these get in the way of our relationship.

Any thoughts?
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Unread 02-28-2011, 02:45 AM
 
343 posts, read 227,960 times
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Why exactly are you the one to do these things? What would happen if you didn't signal for the waiter, would he eventually? Same with answering the door; don't do it and see what happens.

Have you ever discussed this and what are his reasons?
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Unread 02-28-2011, 03:15 AM
 
16 posts, read 8,935 times
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Yes, he would probably do it eventually. And yes, I have discussed the matters with him, the answer's always "you were too fast to do it, I would have done it". Thing is, I am quite laid back myself, and I don't rush into stuff either, I am not particularly impatient.

It bothers me that I have to tell him to do things when I want him to assume the man part.

To give an example, we had a legal issue to solve. He went to talk to the person, the person said it can't be done, so he came home, and I had to go there and state that the matter needs to be addressed today, that I wont take no for an answer, and that we have to talk things through to settle that specific issue that very day.

I just wish he were more assertive, especially since I am not. The fact that he is less driven than I, and I am quite laid back, bothers me a lot.
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Unread 02-28-2011, 06:00 AM
 
Location: state of procrastination
3,460 posts, read 3,071,557 times
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It wouldn't turn me off unless he is resistant to doing everything all the time. I used to have to do all these things by myself. But now I am so used to being pampered and not dealing with those things (restaurant, doorbell, travel plans) that I would just not jump to do them. DH is way better at it anyways. In return he gets to tell me to get him a cold beer from the fridge and other sundry things. He is just very proactive whereas I'm very passive with things like that... I hate talking to people and planning trips...

It makes things easier when you don't have to fight over who takes out the trash, does dishes, laundry, shopping, cleaning etc. (right now he just does it automatically but I try to step in before he does it if I can because I feel bad/slow/lazy).

But there are some things I do better, like getting stupid bank fees and medical bills reversed. I guess whoever is good at something should do them. I don't think there is a man or woman role...

Last edited by miyu; 02-28-2011 at 06:16 AM..
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Unread 02-28-2011, 06:36 AM
 
16,872 posts, read 14,713,746 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by occhi_di_gato View Post
For instance, if someone rang the bell in the middle of the night, you'd have to be the one to go and answer the door.
If we are both asleep, my man would be the one getting up - unless he was ill. He knows where all the guns are.

Quote:
Originally Posted by occhi_di_gato View Post
At the restaurant, you have to signal the waiter and get a table and the check.
I prefer that my man do this. But actually PAYING for the check...I have no problem do that or splitting it. Just depends on the occasion and the guy.

Quote:
Originally Posted by occhi_di_gato View Post
You have to plan your trips abroad, know where the hotel is, how to get there, ask local people for directions and so on.
I have always done that and have no problem with it at all.

Quote:
Originally Posted by occhi_di_gato View Post
You have to be the one that shakes off vendors and beggars.
I think we both can handle that fine. It doesn't bother me.

This is going to go down that line of "man = protector", that so many young men here on this forum don't like. But I don't care...I DO expect my man to be there for me, when needed. If he isn't up for that, then he's not the guy for me. But I have no problems with taking the lead in some of the areas you mentioned...that doesn't bother me at all.
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Unread 02-28-2011, 06:44 AM
 
Location: colorado
2,791 posts, read 2,124,587 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by occhi_di_gato View Post
For instance, if someone rang the bell in the middle of the night, you'd have to be the one to go and answer the door.

At the restaurant, you have to signal the waiter and get a table and the check.

You have to plan your trips abroad, know where the hotel is, how to get there, ask local people for directions and so on.

You have to be the one that shakes off vendors and beggars.

And so on, and so on...

I do find myself in this position, and while everything else is ok, and I appreciate many sides of him, I just can't bring myself to see him as a man that would protect me. Sometimes I wonder if there is any future for us, other times I feel like a B**** because I let things like these get in the way of our relationship.

Any thoughts?


Even tho I dont live with my boyfriend, and I make my own rules and answer to no one, But when it comes to marriage, Im old fashioned, I strongly believe the man is the head, but with respect.
When Im with my boyfriend he does take charge if need be, and I dont mind,
But no I dont want to wear the pants, I want him to take the man role..
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Unread 02-28-2011, 06:54 AM
 
3,573 posts, read 2,833,395 times
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I understand were you are coming from. I was married to a man like that. He was a good person but no, he was not the man of the house nor made me feel protective. I would never get into a relationship like that again with a similar man.

I would not marry this man of yours. He will always be that way and is too dependent on you doing everything. Unless you want to be in charge ALL the time, then I wouldn't marry him. I don't want someone that is too passive again. They never change.
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Unread 02-28-2011, 07:19 AM
 
Location: Cumberland Co., TN
10,242 posts, read 9,586,718 times
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Im not sure what you find wrong with having to do these things. These are things adults should be able to do. I really dont go for "male roles" and "female roles" and find it childish for a grown up to stand helpless and expect someone else to do these things for them. You should be proud you are assertive enough to take care of these things.

Yes I answer the door. Im a light sleeper and they are my guns and I know where they are.
I almost always signal the waiter, make travel plans and deal with crap. I have in all my LTRs. I dont think this has any bearing on them being protective if I were in danger.
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Unread 02-28-2011, 07:29 AM
 
446 posts, read 396,113 times
Reputation: 638
I'm not sure of the details of your relationship, but..... IF he expects you to take care of him (cook meals, do laundry, clean house) then HE should be expected to take care of you, in respect to other duties (ex. protector mode) JMHO
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Unread 02-28-2011, 07:33 AM
 
16 posts, read 8,935 times
Reputation: 24
It isn't the fact that I can't take care of myself, because I have before him, and I will again, if we break up.

I just don't find it ok to be cast in the traditional male role, to feel I have to protect him and not the other way around.

We spoke about it and he said he would most definitely protect me in a bad situation ... but I am not sure I trust him to.

It sucks because otherwise it is going great. He fulfils many of my emotional needs, I just want him a bit more aggressive towards the world.
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