How do you learn to trust again? (dating, girlfriend, long-term)

[dreamofmonterey]

After being disappointed in a long-term relationship, how do you learn that other people can be honest, caring, etc.; how do you learn to trust again?.

So many break-ups on this forum and in general. Thanks in advance for any thoughts.

[riveree]

I think you have to feel comfortable with yourself - know who you are and what you want.

Have your boundaries and expectations drawn in your mind long BEFORE you get into a relationship. These are just examples:

I will not date someone who is not interested in a long term commitment

I will not date someone with children, or an ex-spouse, etc.

Whatever it is that you want, make it clear to yourself. What kind of a person do you see yourself with? Not "blonde and blue-eyed", but "sweet, funny, honest-to-a-fault, employed, etc."

Now when you meet someone, or go out on the first few dates, if they do not fit the picture - for example, he has no sense of humor - end it! You can't force these personality traits and if it's important to you and he doesn't have it, then forget him and move on.

Also, cultivate these ideals in yourself. If honesty and caring are important to you in a potential mate, be the most honest and caring person you can be - summon it forth as much as you possibly can......."like attracts like" after all .

Best of luck Sunny - let go of the past and forge yourself a new future .

[yellowsnow]

Originally Posted by riveree

I think you have to feel comfortable with yourself - know who you are and what you want.

Have your boundaries and expectations drawn in your mind long BEFORE you get into a relationship. These are just examples:

I will not date someone who is not interested in a long term commitment

I will not date someone with children, or an ex-spouse, etc.

Whatever it is that you want, make it clear to yourself. What kind of a person do you see yourself with? Not "blonde and blue-eyed", but "sweet, funny, honest-to-a-fault, employed, etc."

Now when you meet someone, or go out on the first few dates, if they do not fit the picture - for example, he has no sense of humor - end it! You can't force these personality traits and if it's important to you and he doesn't have it, then forget him and move on.

Also, cultivate these ideals in yourself. If honesty and caring are important to you in a potential mate, be the most honest and caring person you can be - summon it forth as much as you possibly can......."like attracts like" after all .

Best of luck Sunny - let go of the past and forge yourself a new future .

Great advice. Easy to say, hard to do.

I will never trust anyone so completely that I don't have a backup plan. I will always have my own money and be able to take care of myself.

Lessons learned the hard way should never be forgotten. Otherwise we are doomed to make the same mistakes over and over again. I don't ever forget I live in the real world. No unicorns and fairy princesses here!

[Pikantari]

Sunny, I agree with another poster....be good with yourself....trust in your self. Dont look for long term right now. I am sort of where you are. We are working things out as to what we need to do, where he will go, what days he will have the kids, I will be able to take them to my family, as well as he too.

I wan't the kids to worship with me on Sundays, even if he has them on the weeknds, he understands.

We are not talking of money until we know what his rent will be.

We are being very civil right now. Thank God.

Right now, its all I am worried about, but you are further than I am. How do you trust again? I don't know. I do know what to look for in what I don't need. I do know the behaviors NOW that I cannot have in my life, but for now, I can't worry about that.

I am worried about the kids for now, and their adjustment.

Other things will come along, if they do, as they will

Good luck to you Sunny....

((((Sunny)))

Robyn

[riveree]

Originally Posted by yellowsnow

Great advice. Easy to say, hard to do.

I will never trust anyone so completely that I don't have a backup plan. I will always have my own money and be able to take care of myself.

Lessons learned the hard way should never be forgotten. Otherwise we are doomed to make the same mistakes over and over again. I don't ever forget I live in the real world. No unicorns and fairy princesses here!

I live in the real world too .

I agree, every woman should be able to stand on her own should she have to exit the marriage (as should every man).

As for 'easy to say, hard to do', I don't agree with that. Nothing worthwhile is going to be a cakewalk, but when you respect yourself, set your boundaries and know who you are and what you want and you don't settle for less.......then you don't settle for less!

It's when women make compromises that they know they can't live with that they get themselves in trouble. I've been there, most of us have. I'd rather be alone than to be with someone who isn't right for me (and have done so).

You make the decision to do what's right for you and you stick to the plan - it gets easier with practice, like anything else .

[Rhett_Butler]

Originally Posted by riveree

I live in the real world too .


As for 'easy to say, hard to do', I don't agree with that.

IMO as far as how "hard it is to do" is directly proportional to how easy it is for you to find another mate. What I mean it that the advice given is that "If you want a man that has X Y and Z don't settle for one that only has X and Y but not Z." from what I can tell..... Well, some can afford to be more choosie than others because they get hit on three times a night whereas others may catch someone's eye once a month or more.....

To put it in a manly analogy for me to make sense out of what the hell I'm saying. It's easy to tell a fisherman that catches 50 fish a day to throw back all the ones that weigh less than 5 lbs, but try to convince a fisherman that catches one fish a week to throw back his 4 lbs fish and you'll have a fight on your hands...

Am I making sense???

[Roaddog]

Originally Posted by sunnyhelena

After being disappointed in a long-term relationship, how do you learn that other people can be honest, caring, etc.; how do you learn to trust again?.

So many break-ups on this forum and in general. Thanks in advance for any thoughts.

Trust is earned over time, it's part of getting to know someone, you can decide to trust a person but you can protect yourself to by not depending on them until you feel you can. now if you want to you can test their trust but you would have to come up with that and if you do then it's became a game and he may not trust you.

You have to be able to trust or you better start buying lots of cats. I know a guy who doesn't trust anybody, he has no friends, all his family stay away and he is a very lonely person.

[riveree]

Originally Posted by VAFury

IMO as far as how "hard it is to do" is directly proportional to how easy it is for you to find another mate.

Point taken.....I hadn't thought about that.

But I'm really not talking about how easy it is to go on five dates this week and throw them all back if they are not up to your standards, I'm speaking more of how it gets easier to keep to your standards if you don't loosen them simply in order to be with "someone, anyone". 'Keep your eye on the prize'...that kind of thing.

For example, when I was dating at the time I met my husband, one of my standards was that I was not going to waste my time with someone who was "just having fun" or looking for a "you-know-what-buddy". It's not something you can find out on the first date, but I was on the lookout for the signs of it.

I was casually dating (just dinner or drinks, hanging out) 3 guys as I first met my husband. One made it clear around date 3 or 4 that he was only looking for a "buddy", so I was done with him. Another had just come out of a serious live-in-girlfriend relationship and wasn't ready to get serious again. He was also twice divorced and not even 30 years old yet. He was absolutely adorable and I was immensely attracted to him, but the timing was clearly wrong.....threw him back. The third guy seemed to have too much secrecy in his life...I don't know what his deal was (what did he even do for a living?? He said he flipped houses and was living off the gains??? Who knows !)...threw him back too.

At this point, I had met my husband who was clear-minded, knew what he wanted (me...gladly ), wasn't playing any games and the relationship progressed forward. It's not that we were rushing into anything (we dated for 2 years prior to getting married), but we were honest early on about wanting a long-term realtionship.

Had I pursued a relationship with any of the others, I would have ended up heartbroken one way or another. I would have compromised myself and my standards and boundaries and it would have come back to bite me.

Hopefully it makes more sense as I explain it now......it's just something I think could be helpful.

[SandyCo]

Sunny, I have the same problem. I'll probably never get married again or live with anyone because I'm so scared of making another horrendous choice. But then again, there are many people out there who swore they'd never get married again, and then they turn around after a few years and do exactly that. I'd like to know how they take that leap of faith, too.

[still hangin]

I took the leap of faith. I dated my now husband for 3 1/2 years, 2 of which we were engaged and one year after we were married he cheated on me with a girl 20 years younger than me. His affair was a year long. If my marriage survives, which I think it will, that's great but if it doesn't, as this is my second marriage, I doubt that I would marry again. As of right now, I'm self sufficient so I am very capable to take care of myself so financial reasons to stay is not a reason for me. To SandyCo, you just have to trust your instincts, and decide if you want to take the leap of faith. I really, really believe that if you trust your intuition and listen to that deep voice within, you'll know what to do. I would not swear off marriage to anyone as it could be wonderful, but for me, this will probably be my last.