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As suggested to another poster, go back and read all of the OP's posts, where you will see that at least part of the reasons behind her problem is there. Maybe I'm the only one who saw it because I have been educated to do so.
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If someone comes to an anonymous Internet message board for advice instead of paying a licensed professional, then they are going to get what they pay for.
Yes, and the anonymity of a message board does not give someone the right to be rude, cruel, hurtful, ignorant, nasty, or to provide "advice" which could be harmful or cause further emotional distress to the person seeking advice. This type of subject requires responses from those who wish to be genuinely helpful and are not meant to provide easy victims for the cruel, thoughtless or heartless.
As suggested to another poster, go back and read all of the OP's posts, where you will see that at least part of the reasons behind her problem is there. Maybe I'm the only one who saw it because I have been educated to do so.
Quote:
Yes, and the anonymity of a message board does not give someone the right to be rude, cruel, hurtful, ignorant, nasty, or to provide "advice" which could be harmful or cause further emotional distress to the person seeking advice. This type of subject requires responses from those who wish to be genuinely helpful and are not meant to provide easy victims for the cruel, thoughtless or heartless.
Be constructive, not destructive.
On teh interwebs?
Good luck.
Trolls abound.
While I usually suspect there is a history of abuse or neglect or something like that at work, I think it best to let the OP reveal these things if they feel comfortable doing so. I don't think it polite to ask directly, but one can ask the right kinds of questions to get them thinking about it.
I found it strange that the OP didn't bother to mention in the first post whether she was attracted to her suitor or not.
While I usually suspect there is a history of abuse or neglect or something like that at work, I think it best to let the OP reveal these things if they feel comfortable doing so. I don't think it polite to ask directly, but one can ask the right kinds of questions to get them thinking about it.
I found it strange that the OP didn't bother to mention in the first post whether she was attracted to her suitor or not.
Yes, sadly, trolls have become a normal feature all over the internet.
I agree that it would be impolite to ask directly, in most case. But sometimes providing an opening is necessary. Even the lack of an answer can provide some important clues.
I suspect that she was attracted, but her fear kicked in and overrode her own desires. I still believe that her best way forward at this time would be to build friendships with other young women who are similar to her, but not too shy to go out and have a little bit of fun. If she can avoid getting entangled with the catty, bitchy or cruel women she should be able to gradually work through this.
Yes, but be fair. She didn't label all guys as "bad," she was TAUGHT to believe that. This is why I believe her problems stem from something to do with her childhood or upbringing, as opposed to being a genetic disposition. It could also be a combination of childhood factors and social impositions.
Yes, I have read it. Are you referring to the part which says...?
"Plus I was told never to trust guys easily. Most want one thing."
The key word is "TOLD."
This is something which was imposed on her as an irrational belief. For all we know what she was really told was...
"Never trust guys easily. Most want one thing. But there are still nice guys out there."
This would be a rational warning, but with some positive feedback as well. But for whatever reason her mind could have focused on and clung to just the negative part while blocking the positive. The mind does irrational things sometimes, especially if what we have been told serves to reinforce something negative we have already experienced.
Hmmmm...not necessarily. It could be that the only males she does trust are those within her own family. But then again, you could be right. Of course, it could be that her father is a perfectly nice guy who divorced her mother, who maybe was not so nice and sabotaged the daughter's relationship with the father by making him out to be a bastard. There are so many possible answers behind this problem. All we do know is that someone "told" her this about men.
My mother, rest her soul, is a good example. Her childhood was a sad and miserable one, dealing with a father who constantly tried to molest her, while the mother turned a blind eye, with the exception of locking my mother in her room, with the lock on the OUTSIDE of the door, causing my mother to have a lifelong fear of fire and a need to keep the bedroom doors at least opened slightly. My grandmother blamed and hated my mother for these attempts at molestation. As a result, my mother came to believe that men, especially fathers, could not be trusted. My father was a kind, loving man who liked to show normal affection towards his children. But I remember a few times when I would be curled up on my dad's lap watching television and mom would come into the room and totally go balistic. Yet, when I was raped at age 6 by a neighbor, and molested at age 12 by her best friend's husband, my mother blamed me.
See what I mean by irrational beliefs imposed by negative actions?
Hmmmm...not necessarily. It could be that the only males she does trust are those within her own family. But then again, you could be right. Of course, it could be that her father is a perfectly nice guy who divorced her mother, who maybe was not so nice and sabotaged the daughter's relationship with the father by making him out to be a bastard. There are so many possible answers behind this problem. All we do know is that someone "told" her this about men.
My mother, rest her soul, is a good example. Her childhood was a sad and miserable one, dealing with a father who constantly tried to molest her, while the mother turned a blind eye, with the exception of locking my mother in her room, with the lock on the OUTSIDE of the door, causing my mother to have a lifelong fear of fire and a need to keep the bedroom doors at least opened slightly. My grandmother blamed and hated my mother for these attempts at molestation. As a result, my mother came to believe that men, especially fathers, could not be trusted. My father was a kind, loving man who liked to show normal affection towards his children. But I remember a few times when I would be curled up on my dad's lap watching television and mom would come into the room and totally go balistic. Yet, when I was raped at age 6 by a neighbor, and molested at age 12 by her best friend's husband, my mother blamed me.
See what I mean by irrational beliefs imposed by negative actions?
Oh I know there is nothing rational about it. Dated/married multiple rape victims. Naturally I didn't know they were such until well after the relationship was established. I attract them for some reason. Not sure why.
Maybe I should start my own thread about THAT?
This is controversial but...one of my ex's therapists told me (yeah I went along too) that some rape victims feel guilt, subconcious or not, because they actually felt some physical pleasure or even orgasmed during the assault.
I was taken aback, but then he explained that it was a natural biological - and possibly unavoidable - reaction to the situation, but that the women felt terrible guilt and shame over it through no fault of their own, and that this irrational guilt and shame caused them a lot of problems later on.
If you know, is that a common belief in professional circles, or was he just off his rocker?
Oh I know there is nothing rational about it. Dated/married multiple rape victims. Naturally I didn't know they were such until well after the relationship was established. I attract them for some reason. Not sure why.
Maybe I should start my own thread about THAT?
This is controversial but...one of my ex's therapists told me (yeah I went along too) that some rape victims feel guilt, subconcious or not, because they actually felt some physical pleasure or even orgasmed during the assault.
I was taken aback, but then he explained that it was a natural biological - and possibly unavoidable - reaction to the situation, but that the women felt terrible guilt and shame over it through no fault of their own, and that this irrational guilt and shame caused them a lot of problems later on.
If you know, is that a common belief in professional circles, or was he just off his rocker?
Yes, it is a common belief, and from what I understand it does happen. I don't think it is technically an orgasm happening though. I believe it is the body naturally lubricating to try and avoid internal damage.
Trust me, my husband can fully understand what you may have gone through in those previous relationships. He's been a wonderful and understanding husband, but even with his own background in psychology he had some rocky times with me. I was a victim of not just rape and molestation as a child, but I had suffered from rape at the hands of an ex-boyfriend, and before him serious physical abuse from my first husband, who was also an alcoholic and cocaine addict. But, surprisingly, I never hated all men or felt they were all bad. For some reason my rational thinking overrode the irrational. I still had problems dealing with some issues, and I am naturally wary of men in situations where I might be alone with them, but other than that I lead a healthy, normal life. It also helped that I was willing to do some very deep self-analysis and see a therapist when the need arose.
Wow, so just shoot down every person who wants to get to know you with the SHY wall.
What bugs me is then you'll say no one cares about you, no one is interested in you...it's you you you. That guy was probably shy too and took a chance.
Tried to rep Mathguy because you will be associating with cats rather than human beings if you keep this up.
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Originally Posted by tashie2005
You know, a lot of people don't understand intense anxiety. It really is, and can be a handicap. I was this shy to, so I can relate. Try to give her sound advice instead of just shooting her down.
This girl may benefit from a anti-anxiety medication. This is what I did and it benefited me greatly.
Actually I think Donna was appropriate. What many shy people don't realize is that their shyness is quite hurtful to other people and sometimes they need to have that fact pointed out to them--I am shy myself and I read a book about how to overcome shyness and realized that it is often misconstrued as snobbishness and disinterest and thought about all the snubs I'd received in my life and saw them in a new light--perhaps they weren't snubs at all, but people who were more shy than myself. Maybe this guy got hurt b/c he thought that he was getting to know the OP and maybe thought that she liked him back and then she laid all those excuses on him and he's wondering what he did wrong.
Another thing has occurred to me about shyness and that is that it's an ego problem, same as arrogance. It's not arrogance, but the similarity is that the focus is on yourself rather than the other person and when I focus on other people and on making them comfortable, I'm less shy. I will never be the life of the party but I hope that I'll never be hurtful for no good reason again.
One myth about shy people is that they are so emotionally fragile that they can't handle a tart comment from someone like Donna, but I assure you that most are well able to deal with it, and it is helpful to have it presented to you in a different way.
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This is why I believe her problems stem from something to do with her childhood or upbringing, as opposed to being a genetic disposition. It could also be a combination of childhood factors and social impositions.
