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Old 03-14-2011, 03:29 PM
 
Location: Texas
6 posts, read 10,867 times
Reputation: 10

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This is pretty much my take on this. You have to know very well the one you marry or have that committed relationship with. Sometimes people cheat because it's their nature. They can't handle a one on one relationship because they simply aren't made for it. If you make a commitment to someone who is like that naturally, they won't stay faithful.
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Old 03-14-2011, 03:34 PM
 
513 posts, read 894,790 times
Reputation: 1040
several years before my wife and i got married she called me up to tell me she got drunk and hooked up with a random guy. i forgave her easily enough that 17 years later we are still together. she has done it a couple times since then, but none since we got married.

on the flip side of that, she has forgiven me a couple dozen times over the years.

that being said, we do enjoy having an extra partner or two join us, so maybe that is how we both got past things easier. even though we like to have others join us as a couple, it is bothersome should one of us have sex without the other's knowledge and approval.
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Old 03-14-2011, 03:36 PM
 
Location: Whoville....
25,386 posts, read 35,466,787 times
Reputation: 14692
Quote:
Originally Posted by lovesMountains View Post
I have no desire to argue with you, and we've been thru this on numerous occasions over the years here on CD.

Your view of cheating has been colored by the fact that you were cheated on and can't get past it.

In other words, you have lost true perspective.

Enough said.
No. That has nothing to do with the fact that people who cheat are, inherently, dishonest and care more about themselves than others. If you care about your spouse, you woudln't cheat on them. If you had an ounce of integrity you'd get out of your marriage rather than put your spouse through being cheated on.

It's not an honest and good person who cheats. It's not someone who values vows who cheats. It's not someone whose word is good that cheats. What does it say about you as a person if you only stand by someone you pledged to stand by for life when it's convenient? What does it say about you when your word is not good?

This has nothing to do with having been cheated on. Anyone can see that a cheater is a liar and self centered. If you want out of your marriage, have the decency to leave before the affair. I really don't get putting a spouse through that. What is the point of that?
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Old 03-14-2011, 03:41 PM
 
Location: Whoville....
25,386 posts, read 35,466,787 times
Reputation: 14692
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cindy_Jole View Post
No problem, we can agree to disagree

I don't believe in the "two to tango" idea when it comes to cheating. For marriages ending, yes, but not for cheating.
I agree. Cheating is done by one person. I've never gotten blaming the victim. Both are in the same marriage. Both live with the same issues. One cheated. One didn't. Why blame the one who didn't for what the one who did did?

Cheating is a choice. A bad one but a choice none the less. No one makes us cheat or not cheat. We decide to cheat or not cheat.
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Old 03-14-2011, 03:52 PM
 
Location: Whoville....
25,386 posts, read 35,466,787 times
Reputation: 14692
Quote:
Originally Posted by JustJulia View Post
Perhaps I'm misremembering, but you have said this in several posts now. Weren't you separated at the time? You filed for separation, didn't you? I think a person's sanctimony about the importance of vows would end right there. Again, if I am confused, I apologize, but I thought I remembered this conversation from before.
He left. I didn't. As I've discussed before, my filing had to do with getting financial support. He decided that since I earned more than him, he could just walk away, leave me with all the bills and the kids to support and not pay a dime but I couldn't afford all of the bills on my salary alone. I needed court ordered support for the kids. But that's irrelevent. I didn't walk out. He did. He's the one who didn't stand by his vows. I stood by mine.

At least now I know that my marriage is not until death do us part but rather until it's no longer convenient for him. For me, it's until the kids are gone. Then it doesn't matter if I stay or go. There are no vows in the relationship we have now so there is nothing to break if either of us leaves. That was done four years ago.

It really doesn't matter if you're separated or not. The vows are broken when you take up with someone else. There's always hope until then. Then there is no hope.
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Old 03-14-2011, 03:54 PM
 
Location: Whoville....
25,386 posts, read 35,466,787 times
Reputation: 14692
Quote:
Originally Posted by onihC View Post
I don’t really support the idea of a man cheating because there was no sex in his marriage, or any reason for that matter. It is well known that sex decreases once the relationship gets formal and even more once married, so how can a guy be surprised because there is no sex in his marriage? Come on.

Yes, men and women cheat for selfish reasons. Can’t see a reason to justify a cheating wife/husband.
There is no justifiable reason to cheat.
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Old 03-14-2011, 04:04 PM
 
Location: Phx
174 posts, read 239,584 times
Reputation: 89
Quote:
Originally Posted by gvillesux View Post
several years before my wife and i got married she called me up to tell me she got drunk and hooked up with a random guy. i forgave her easily enough that 17 years later we are still together. she has done it a couple times since then, but none since we got married.

on the flip side of that, she has forgiven me a couple dozen times over the years.

that being said, we do enjoy having an extra partner or two join us, so maybe that is how we both got past things easier. even though we like to have others join us as a couple, it is bothersome should one of us have sex without the other's knowledge and approval.
Very interesting and refreshing! That would not work for most people here. I will admit that would not work for me but it's good to see it working for you. I have some friends that have a similar arrangement and it works great for them! I also know another couple where he has had a couple of affairs and she responded with more than a few after she found out. They both seem to have adjusted to it. They are still together and if they have any arguments its over money, even though they have a good income. They just lost the attraction for each other but wanted to maintain their marriage due to comfort.

Last edited by Docaholic; 03-14-2011 at 05:11 PM..
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Old 03-14-2011, 04:33 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,218 posts, read 100,489,477 times
Reputation: 40198
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ivorytickler View Post
No. That has nothing to do with the fact that people who cheat are, inherently, dishonest and care more about themselves than others. If you care about your spouse, you woudln't cheat on them. If you had an ounce of integrity you'd get out of your marriage rather than put your spouse through being cheated on.

It's not an honest and good person who cheats. It's not someone who values vows who cheats. It's not someone whose word is good that cheats. What does it say about you as a person if you only stand by someone you pledged to stand by for life when it's convenient? What does it say about you when your word is not good?

This has nothing to do with having been cheated on. Anyone can see that a cheater is a liar and self centered. If you want out of your marriage, have the decency to leave before the affair. I really don't get putting a spouse through that. What is the point of that?

I'm sorry Ivory, life is just not that simple, it really isn't.
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Old 03-14-2011, 04:43 PM
 
Location: Whoville....
25,386 posts, read 35,466,787 times
Reputation: 14692
Quote:
Originally Posted by lovesMountains View Post
I'm sorry Ivory, life is just not that simple, it really isn't.
Actually, it is. You're trying to justify bad decisions that hurt people. People who enter into adulterous relationships do so knowing full well they will hurt their spouse when they find out (what they hope is they won't be found out) but they don't care about that. You see, THEY matter more than their spouse. What they want matters more than the vow they made with their spouse. I'm afraid you are the one who can't see them for what they are. I don't care what color you spray paint dog poo, it still stinks. Only cheaters cheat. People of integrity don't cheat.

Here is what we know:

Someone who cheats is not true to their word. Someone who cheats doesn't care if they hurt their spouse. They may act the part when caught but they, certainly, didn't think of their spouses feelings when they started the affair. They're self centered and self serving. Only they and what they want matter to them. Vows are nothing in the face of them wanting someone else. The fact they don't even have the decency to end their marriage first speaks volumes. It's all about them. For whatever reason they want both the marriage and the affair. At least for some time period....until it's no longer convenient for them.

An affair is selfish, self centered, deceitful, demonstrates you cannot be trusted and that your word means nothing. So what kind of person has one? Someone who is selfish, self centered, deceitful, cannot be trusted and whose word is meaningless.

It's bad to leave but worse to have an affair. If you don't want your spouse anymore, then leave and free yourself to sleep with whomever you want. Have the decency to end your marriage before beginning the affair.
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Old 03-14-2011, 04:43 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,218 posts, read 100,489,477 times
Reputation: 40198
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ivorytickler View Post
There is no justifiable reason to cheat.

That sentence is incomplete...let me finish it for you

There is no justifiable reason to cheat in my opinion.

As I know you are well aware there are other opinions and evidence that contradict your statement.
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