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I did not mean to start this vein of conversation and I hope that it is understood that I did not mean to imply that it is not possible to be faithful. I did it, 24 years worth. Many people will do it. I laud those who hold their marriage or commited relationship as sacrosanct. I was not saying that anyone here could not be faithfull or that the op would not. There is nothing wrong with the op or the way he feels. I wish him the best of luck on the journey as I do and would to anyone.
I said I made it 24 years and this is a truth. It does not tell of standing on the precipise and looking over but like most truths it is only a fact that alone means nothing. You do not know what you will do in your greatest extremity until you are there. For myself I can only know that I turned aside. Even as I type this I do not know why or what saved me from becoming what I despise. I think maybe it was just because it was not me, in the end I am meant to be with only one.
I do know that I can never judge another again without becoming something worse. I wish I had the words to say what I mean but I am not a man of words.
I think it's more than a little disingenuous to see any issue as one of totally black/white, right/wrong. Some individual cases may be, of course. However, the totally polarized view can be very self-serving, because it automatically absolves the person judging from any responsibility. Sometimes they have no fault, but that's extremely rare from what I've seen. My ex had that kind of bipolar attitude, and was righteously sure she was right even when she could be proved wrong.
Well said.
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Originally Posted by lovesMountains
I read once that those with dysfunctional and trouble-filled childhoods often grow into adults who will cling too tightly to belief systems they feel allow them to survive the chaos and scary things about life.
But there's a price to pay for being so rigid and absolute. It usually means you aren't living a truly conscious existence. But then, a conscious existence requires a person to do in depth self examination, and take personal responsibility for where they find themselves in life at all times. Unfortunately this is often just too painful for some folks to tackle.
Those who lack the guts or interest to live fully consciously do indeed become very polarized in their views, which I agree, is very self-serving.
This is really how I feel about it. It's just not realistic, it's not logical. It's scary how people can convince themselves of any reality they want to create in order to avoid the truth.
I think there's a blanket assumption that people who have cheated have done so in a freewheeling, backstabbing, underhanded sort of way. I just don't think that's the case.
How about the man who loves his wife, loves his kids, but the wife has shut him out (physically) and is refusing all help? Maybe he runs into a woman who is understanding, feels for his situation, offers him solace. Not intending on being a home wrecker (guy's marriage is already troubled anyway). He winds up sleeping with the supportive female friend one day. He feels bad about it later, vows never to do it again.
Is he morally bankrupt? I doubt it. Just human.
Wife finally agrees to get help, things improve in the marriage, life goes on.
You get the picture?
All I ever said is that one never knows.
still does not excuse his actions...especially if he refused to see how badly his actions would hurt another, it's not just about him, it's about wife, children, parents, inlaws, aunts and uncles....his decission to run around destroys so many lifes...and puts people in a position of deciding who they feel they need to take sides with, while it's wrong, to do so, people do take sides....
I do understand what you are saying, however, it still is such a violating hurtful thing to do, not just to self, but to everyone else involved.
I dated a guy, we were driving home in the car, he got angry and I said, you remind me of my ex....his anger escalated and he stormed away...the very next day, he bought a laundry full of things down to my home that I had given him and broke up with me...."oh that was mature"....granted, I said what I said, b/c his anger did remind me of my ex...however, his actions were even less the communicative....he should have parked the car and discussed it with me....we had been dating all summer and I wanted my family to meet him....I am very proud of my family and wanted him to meet them and enjoy them...he refused...and got angry....this was a long time ago, but the issue comes to mind...
If you get that angry, and walk away, there is no relationship and there will never be any change or understanding of the feelings of the other person....
However, infidelity to self and to others comes in all shapes, forms and actions....and to me, if someone cannot be true to themselves, they will not be true to others....unless they get help and can face they're own demons....we have to be willing to admit, "hey, I might be wrong"...and so many people are not able to do that.
I wonder if the cheating party every considers what their SO might feel about it? NO matter what the extreme situation may be. How about the kids, how would they feel if mommy or daddy decided to dip themselves into some forbidden fruit? There's a lot more at stake when there's a family involved.
I wonder if the cheating party every considers what their SO might feel about it? NO matter what the extreme situation may be. How about the kids, how would they feel if mommy or daddy decided to dip themselves into some forbidden fruit? There's a lot more at stake when there's a family involved.
I think if they considered it John, they would never do it....and I believe a person who cheats is very selfish, never considering how many people stand to loose by his/her actions...especially the children, parents of the married couple, friends....all relatives....sheesh, it's very sad....
"Cheating" is not a big deal as people make it to be if it's just a one-night stand. People act like its the end of the world and all is lost just because a spouse did one short act quick. Something like abuse is something that should NEVER be tolerated but just one quick time with someone else? wow imo.
Why are you comparing abuse to one night stands?
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If you had to have one food for the rest of your life wouldn't you like to try something new?
I take a girlfriend out to lunch
I take a girlfriend out for a walk
If I did those two with other women once out of the blue is that "being unfaithful" too? no, same thing with a kiss
So your significant other has the same significance to you as food? Wow.
And yes, kissing other women while you are in an exclusive relationship is cheating. Wow.
"In the moment" is either an excuse or it's not. It only takes a momentary lapse of judgment or lowering of the guard to find yourself making out with someone. Especially when alcohol is involved.
Now, if you are renting apartments and motel rooms, rearranging your schedule on the sly, doing a strip-tease, etc, then that is definitely a deliberate and calculated betrayal. But the thread is about ONE TIME. One episode of physical betrayal.
If stress and/or drinking was the excuse my spouse gave for acting like an a-hole, there would be an no alcohol rule at my house and a new job/less stressful situation ASAP.
Honestly, I think the alcohol excuse is very weak. The alcohol doesn't make you cheat if you already have the intention. People may try to excuse their behaviors and blame that on alcohol, but alcohol doesn't take off the other person's clothes and crawl into bed.
I think if they considered it John, they would never do it....and I believe a person who cheats is very selfish, never considering how many people stand to loose by his/her actions...especially the children, parents of the married couple, friends....all relatives....sheesh, it's very sad....
I agree. However, if the marriage isn't working because one partner is cold and unloving, for example, and the wronged spouse leaves (without cheating), the same consequences occur. The at-fault spouse has driven their partner away. Eventually, they'll probably end up in the arms of another.
Alcohol lowers inhibitions, and impairs decision-making. It can lead to doing things you would not normally do. So, it's best to avoid situations where drinking can lead to unintended consequences, IF you can foresee that may occur. The situation may change as people come and go, but if you've already been drinking in what was originally a benign situation, the risk environment is now different.
Affairs don't happen because you were stressed and, in a moment when you weren't thinking, said/did something you shouldn't have.
LOL!!! They absolutely can and they do!!! Ever heard of the temporary insanity defense? Temporarily losing it doesn't have to only last a split second.
They happen with fore thought.
Not every time, sorry to say. We're not talking about an AFFAIR. We're talking about ONE TIME.
An affair doesn't happen in a split second like saying something you regret. You have to decide to have one and you have a lot of split seconds to change your mind.
I agree 100% that an actual protracted affair takes time, consideration, manipulation, and is unforgivable. I however, think it's really interesting which ways you're willing to be disrespected and which ways you arbitrarily find intolerable.
See above in red.
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