Guide to Dating - What Every Man Should Understand (girlfriend, long-term, how to)

[cdubs3201]

I've done a lot of dating in my time, through the good and the bad, and from reading a lot of posts on this forum, I decided to list off some key pieces of insight to those who are struggling with dating, or just feel clueless. It's not uncommon for men to be confused with women's actions and be unsure of how to proceed, so I'm going to bullet some things to keep in mind when dating so that you can maintain a positive and long-term perspective:

1. Be happy with yourself first - how can you expect to make someone else happy if you aren't already? If you're feeling down, a girlfriend isn't going to solve you problems and if you struggle with finding one then it's only going to compound your negative feelings. Improve your life first, and many times taking action to do so will lead you to meet someone special along the way. You have to be comfortable with the fact that you're single. You don't NEED someone by your side constantly to be happy. Don't be afraid to take a break from dating as it gets over-wheliming. If you have a bad experience don't write off women or dating, just take time to do other things and have fun, then come back to it when you're ready.

2. Don't expect to win every woman over - Not every man can say or do anything magical to win over every girl. It's all about chemistry, timing, and compatibility. You can meet a girl and have 2 of those 3 and it still won't work. If you get rejected, think of it as a blessing, they told you up front and were honest. Thank them for their honesty and move on. Even the best hitters in baseball fail at the plate 7 out of 10 times. You just need one home run to win, there's not timelimit on when you hit it.

3. Forget about "rules" - Waiting 3 days to call her back, playing games, being aloof...those all may work at the bar/club on certain shallow women, but when it comes to finding a girl that you truly connect with and share something with: games will only hurt you. Just do what you feel like doing. If you want to call her, do it...if she likes you she'll be glad to hear from you. If she thinks you're creepy for calling the next day, then you just dodged a snooki from jersey shore (why would anyone want to be with that??) Your honest actions (within reason) show who you really are and if she can't appreciate that then you don't want to waste your time with her.

4. Be yourself, but not an open book - This isn't a rule, but I want to stress how important it is to be honest. Ask questions about her, but if she asks back be honest about it. Don't openly offer up super personal information, but if she wants to know, be honest with her. If she's a well-rounded woman looking for the same thing then she'll be happy that you are able to share things with her. Quoted by a good friend: "Everyone always puts their best foot forward, but it's the other foot, the foot that carries some of our bad experiences/negative baggage is what people identify with." Example: I used to be afraid to tell women about my parent's recent divorce. I didn't open up my dates with it, but when family came up I stopped being afraid to share it and it helped women connect with me better.

5. Be confident - Many men have trouble with this. The best way to go about this is to tell yourself this: "I'm a happy guy regardless of what happens tonight, I'm just going to have fun. If she's not into me, at least we had a fun night, and there's a lot of girls out there looking for a guy like me". It's stewart smally-ish, but if that's what it takes to get you confident, then say it. If you keep this mindset on dates then your confidence will pour out of you. Be honest and respectful, but try to be in a happy mood. Women are most attracted to confidence. How else do some of the ugliest guys get the hottest women?

6. You get to choose her, too - I think so many guys lose themselves in trying to impress a girl or win her over so much that they forget to ask themselves the most important question: "Do I really want to be with this girl?" If something doesn't feel right, take a step back and ask yourself if this is something you want to deal with? Can you discuss this and get past it or is this a dealbreaker? It's ok to walk away if it's not a good fit for you too.

7. Go with your gut - Best advice I ever received: DO WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY. If you want to kiss her and it feels like the right move on a date, just do it. If she likes you, she won't care how awkward it was, she'll think it's cute or something. If it feels like she's distant or not into you, ask her if something is wrong. Tell her you sense something is up. Give her a chance to be honest. If you don't have a great sense that she's into you, she's probably not. People can't tell you what a girl is thinking on a forum of a girl they've never met. You were there, you know her, you talked to her...decide for yourself if she's into you. If you want to know, it's ok to ask her too.

8. If they like you, they'll help you - Ever feel like this girl is making it hard or inconvenient to go out with? Did you feel it was unfair that she got upset that you said the wrong little thing as her excuse for not wanting to go out again? That's because she's just not interested. Women will very rarely say to your face "NO". It's not in their dating vocabulary. It's up to you to understand her actions and determine if she's interested. If they're interested, they will do everything they can to make themselves available to see you. They'll stay up late on a work night, they'll cancel dinner dates with friends...because they WANT to see you.

9. Don't try to figure out "why?" - If you get rejected and she stops returning calls or tells you she's not feeling it....don't try to figure out why. It's not relevant. You will NEVER get the real reason from her and half the time it will be a reason that has nothing to do with you. There's only one reason that should ever matter to you: She's not interested. Do you want to spend time with a group of dudes that don't like you? I personally hate being around someone who doesn't like me, I try to find people to hang out with that enjoy my company. Same goes for women, if she's not interested you then that's all you need to know. You don't want to date someone that doesn't like you. Trying to find out why in order to convince her otherwise is pointless since she won't give you the real reason anyway. Just....let....go. You're better than that, you shouldn't have to convince her to stay with you.

10. You can't change their mind - This leads me to my next point of not knowing why. Once a woman has decided that she does not want to see you anymore, whether its a few dates or a LTR....IT IS THE POINT OF NO RETURN. You cannot change her mind, she's thought long and hard about it already and you're out. Game is over. Women can hold onto a guy they are marginally interested in, and even stay with him until the point of true disgust. Once she's letting you go, she's 100% sure of it. Don't try to change her mind, cut your losses and move on. Doing so can many times have the opposite effect. If she dumps you and you don't chase or beg or gravel, she may think twice in the future about you and wonder why you weren't that upset. It'll make her think there's other women chasing you. You should tell yourself you're not upset because you know there's women out there looking for a guy like you who will appreciate you. It's only a matter of time until you meet one.

11. Don't be over protective - If you can't trust a girl, then you aren't ready for a relationship. You'll only ruin any future you have with her if you are constantly jealous. It only makes YOU look bad. If your woman likes to flirt with a lot of dudes or is very social, then start being more social with women. If she goes off to hug a bunch of guy friends and that bothers you, strike up a conversation with a girl nearby. When she comes back she'll see that and she'll know you're not a tool who is just there for her arm candy. The truth of this is: if she's gonna cheat on you there's nothing you can do about it. If you don't trust her because of her actions, cut her loose. Otherwise stop being paranoid and just be like The Fonz....be cool.

12. Have a backbone - Leads me to one of the most important points. Women don't want a pushover, they want a man. Be a man. She does something you don't like? Call her out on it. Be honest and clear about it, don't swear or call her names, don't do it in front of others. Pull her aside, and tell her "no". She'll respect you for it. She'll realize you have boundaries too and she can't just treat you however she wants. Girls will test their men sometimes...let her know where you stand when she crosses a line. Most guys are afraid she'll dump them if he tells her no...if she does then fine, she didn't like you that much and you got to find out early. This is also part of being honest and having good communication. Hiding things you don't like from her only builds up and creates future problems on a larger level.

13. Don't have a negative attitude- It's easy to get down on dating....it's hard to find someone that is perfect for you. Many people NEVER find it. By generalizing, lumping the entire female species into one pool of negative traits and reasoning is only going to give you a negative attitude. Attitude shows, whether you think you can hide it or not. It affects your performance in everything: work, sports, dating. People will see right through you. If it's brining you down that much, focus on something else for a while, try to improve your life outside of finding a date. Think of it this way, if you are having negative experiences then it'll make it all the more better when you do find a great girl. You'll appreciate her so much more and she'll notice it. The best things in this world aren't easy to find.

14. Time frame - There's no timeframe for finding the right girl. Some people find it right away, some people it takes a while. It took me at least 3 years of asking out girls, being set up by friends, dating 20+ women online to find a great girl that makes me happy. Think of all the bad expreinces not as failures, but as lessons. Ask yourself what you learned from it. What did you learn about yourself? Realize your experience and take that with you to the next experience. I learned more about myself from dating than any other type of event in my life. Just because you went online for a couple months and don't have a gf doesn't mean you're a failure or something is wrong with you. Just means you haven't found a needle in a haystack yet. If you keep the door open, someone will eventually walk through, but if you close it and lock it then you're only keeping yourself from having the opportunity to meet the right person for you.

15. Keep an open mind - Everyone is different, so think of dating as getting to know someone. Don't be afraid to try something different, don't be afraid to go out of your comfort zone. My current gf asked me to go to a party with her for new years eve after our second date. Normally I'd be weary of this, but it felt like the right thing to do even though it's not something I'd normally do and it was a little out of my comfort zone. I took a chance and it paid off. Don't be afraid to just "go with it" sometimes. You'd be surprised what the situation leads to.


That's all I could think of for now, I may add to it, but I think I covered all the main points. Feel free to discuss or amend. This is just everything I've learned in all my life experiences with women and dating. I've had great relationships, bad relationships, struggles with meeting women, struggles with online dating, success with online dating....all the ups and downs. This is what I've learned from all of it and I've found someone I am crazy about and can see myself with for a long time. Hopefully my experiences can help someone else out there who is having a hard time or even just looking for some tips.

Good luck to everyone out there who hopes to find someone someday!

[PassTheChocolate]

Great post.

[Cindy_Jole]

Very good points! I think these can apply to women as well as men

[andreaspercheron]

Kudos, well said...

[Beliciano]

Number one is no doubt the best one on here, applies to both women and men.

[TaoistDude]

Excellent summation. I followed these principles myself, but you've done an outstanding job presenting them clearly.

[grneyedmustang]

Very good post! And I think this applies to women as well.

[Raging-Hetero]

I like number 3 the most.

[HurricaneDC]

Sticky request

[JustBeingMe404]

I love it. And I, too, liked #3 the most.