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Old 03-18-2011, 09:08 PM
 
22 posts, read 15,086 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by yankeegirl313 View Post
3 pages later posting with you?? Yes. It was necessary.
I'm still not sure what's the issue? I acknowledged in an earlier post that I misunderstood one of your comments, and all I've disagreed with is the idea that people should be reduced to or stereotyped based on age. I challenged the reasoning behind the statements, not you. I don't remember writing any posts which says the opinions or perspectives of older partners shouldn't be included or matter. My point is we too often limit our understanding of people because we're stuck on age/experience differences.
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Old 03-18-2011, 09:36 PM
 
22 posts, read 15,086 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LovelyinLa View Post
There's a lot to consider if you're going to date someone who's 15 to 20 years older/younger. If the younger person in the relationship is of childbearing age and wants children, does the older person want this as well. Chances are the older person has been there and done that and would want someone who has had those experiences as well. Chances are a 45+ man is not looking to start another family. It's definitely possible that he will have a child with this new woman but if you honestly asked him, he didn't really want another child. Sure he may love the child completely but he's still starting over again at a time when he thought he was past that stage of life. That's a lot to ask of a person and definitely worth giving pause when considering dating someone who has a 15+ age difference.

IMO, maturity and experience are two very different things. You can be the most mature 30 year old person on the planet, however, there will be things that you may not experienced that two people in the same age group most likely have in common. Going back to marriage and family, if two people are both in their 40's and divorced, they already have shared experiences in common. They have a better understanding of what it takes to make a relationship work because now they know what they want. If you're in your 20-30's and have never been married and have no children, you're already at a disadvantage because 1) you won't really understand the parent/child/ex spouse dynamic and may not know how to deal with some of the conflicts that can happen. I'm using the marriage and children examples because they are the 2 main gaps in experiences that big age gap relationships face but there are many, many more.

I dated a man 20 years older than I am for 6 1/2 years, we loved each other and had a very good relationship. But ultimately, when you are with a person for so long and you're getting older yourself you start to focus on what it is you really want. Once I did that, it was clear that the age difference was a big factor in my decision to move on.

Obviously 20 year age difference relationships can work but the two people involved need to be open and very honest with each other (and themselves) about what it is that they want. If they're not on the same path, then the relationship will be a waste of time. If you're a woman in your 30's thinking about a LTR with a man 45+, make sure you have decided if you want marriage and kids. What happens 5 years down the line when your biological clock starts ticking and he still doesn't want them. Now you're a single 35 year old woman with babies on the brain and no man in sight. This is something I've seen, it's not pretty LOL.

All I'm saying is that there are a lot of benefits to dating an older man, I myself love them. But the older I got the more it became clearer that for the long term I needed to stick to someone in my own age who was at the same point in life I am. So that may be what this guy is telling you, that you don't have the kind of experience that he's looking for. He may not necessarily mean that you're immature.
Just a note: I didn't post this based on a particular personal experience but mainly from observations.

I think many people are aware of what you've mentioned, because it's discussed so often. I don't think anyone would argue that two people shouldn't be compatible and be able to relate to each other on a number of levels. I don't think there's a question about that. And I doubt most people, myself included, would want to be with someone who sees them as less capable because of assumptions made, which aren't based on truth. Of course, be honest and upfront about what you want or express but don't impose your hangs ups on the person.

If you want someone with the same experience level, in the same age range, or level of maturity or responsibility as you do, then you have every right, but don't assume someone's incapacity to handle something because you prefer a particular type of person. And I would likely stay away from men who use the "immature" argument, because it sounds more like an excuse. Most of these men are usually pretty ignorant, simplistic, and very judgmental and arrogant. Why would I want to be with someone like that? I don't think anyone wants to be told what they can and can't handle. If it's clear, the younger partner can't meet the older partner's and vice versa in life and the relationships, etc, then by all means, adios. But don't decide for them what they can or can't do because of prejudice.
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Old 03-18-2011, 09:47 PM
 
22 posts, read 15,086 times
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And focusing on an older or mature person's experiences as so vast and wonderous in nature, that noone with less experience can truly be satisfactory in meeting their needs, is not really a good way to look at it; creates superior/inferior undertones. That will likely give that person a complex, and the feeling or impression that they're up there and everyone with less experience is beneath them.
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Old 03-18-2011, 10:12 PM
 
1,206 posts, read 1,426,822 times
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i think age is just part of the story but never the less it is part of the story. To say the average 20 year old is the same as an average 50 year old isnt gonna make sense. But when you make too many assumptions just due to age, then yes its too much of a bias.

^ I think thats the real issue you take. The superiority you feel that older people feel regarding the "young and stupid". I think its an individual thing, some people find things to act smug about in every aspect of their life, while others are more humble.
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Old 03-18-2011, 10:22 PM
 
Location: Los Angeles
754 posts, read 943,701 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sidda View Post
Just a note: I didn't post this based on a particular personal experience but mainly from observations.

I think many people are aware of what you've mentioned, because it's discussed so often. I don't think anyone would argue that two people shouldn't be compatible and be able to relate to each other on a number of levels. I don't think there's a question about that. And I doubt most people, myself included, would want to be with someone who sees them as less capable because of assumptions made, which aren't based on truth. Of course, be honest and upfront about what you want or express but don't impose your hangs ups on the person.

If you want someone with the same experience level, in the same age range, or level of maturity or responsibility as you do, then you have every right, but don't assume someone's incapacity to handle something because you prefer a particular type of person. And I would likely stay away from men who use the "immature" argument, because it sounds more like an excuse. Most of these men are usually pretty ignorant, simplistic, and very judgmental and arrogant. Why would I want to be with someone like that? I don't think anyone wants to be told what they can and can't handle. If it's clear, the younger partner can't meet the older partner's and vice versa in life and the relationships, etc, then by all means, adios. But don't decide for them what they can or can't do because of prejudice.
I hear what you're saying, but let's just be honest. If you're a 35 year old divorced single parent and you meet a 20 year old man who is telling you that he's the most mature man on the planet. Let's just assume he's still in school, doesn't have his finances in order (if he even has any at this point) and not really sure what he wants to do with his life. Would you date this person?

Keep in mind, he's had some pretty serious life experiences for a 20 year old and really IS the most mature 20 year old on the planet. But would you go out with him? The answer for most 35 year old women would be no.

The answer to this is of course a personal opinion but I'm trying to get you to see from the other side. Also, I want to state that I'm not saying that a younger person would not be capable. The 20 year old in my example may be the best husband and step father for this 35 year old single mother. But there would be a lot of things that he would need to learn and quite frankly not everyone wants to be a teacher. Some people (especially after a certain age), just expect the person they're dating to know certain things. As a woman in my late 30's I would never say that I was on the same level as a women in her late 50's. Most likely this 50+ year old woman has been through and knows things that I have yet to experience and I think I'm pretty mature myself.

All I'm saying is that wisdom and maturity are very beautiful things. They are also very attractive in a person (which is why I like older men). There are certain wisdoms that can only come with age. This is not to say that a younger woman isn't capable of jumping in and navigating her way through the relationship brilliantly, but she would be learning as she goes. For piece of mind, I would simply ask this man why? If he says he's looking for a woman who is a little more mature (which I would take to mean, with more life experience under her belt) or if he says that he thinks you're too immature then he's a jerk anyway and you don't want him. But if he says that it's maturity he's looking for I don't think that the younger person should feel insulted. The man just knows what he's looking for.
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Old 03-18-2011, 11:21 PM
 
22 posts, read 15,086 times
Reputation: 26
Quote:
Originally Posted by LovelyinLa View Post
I hear what you're saying, but let's just be honest. If you're a 35 year old divorced single parent and you meet a 20 year old man who is telling you that he's the most mature man on the planet. Let's just assume he's still in school, doesn't have his finances in order (if he even has any at this point) and not really sure what he wants to do with his life. Would you date this person?

Keep in mind, he's had some pretty serious life experiences for a 20 year old and really IS the most mature 20 year old on the planet. But would you go out with him? The answer for most 35 year old women would be no.

The answer to this is of course a personal opinion but I'm trying to get you to see from the other side. Also, I want to state that I'm not saying that a younger person would not be capable. The 20 year old in my example may be the best husband and step father for this 35 year old single mother. But there would be a lot of things that he would need to learn and quite frankly not everyone wants to be a teacher. Some people (especially after a certain age), just expect the person they're dating to know certain things. As a woman in my late 30's I would never say that I was on the same level as a women in her late 50's. Most likely this 50+ year old woman has been through and knows things that I have yet to experience and I think I'm pretty mature myself.

All I'm saying is that wisdom and maturity are very beautiful things. They are also very attractive in a person (which is why I like older men). There are certain wisdoms that can only come with age. This is not to say that a younger woman isn't capable of jumping in and navigating her way through the relationship brilliantly, but she would be learning as she goes. For piece of mind, I would simply ask this man why? If he says he's looking for a woman who is a little more mature (which I would take to mean, with more life experience under her belt) or if he says that he thinks you're too immature then he's a jerk anyway and you don't want him. But if he says that it's maturity he's looking for I don't think that the younger person should feel insulted. The man just knows what he's looking for.
As I said, if they are not compatible then they shouldn't be together. If not, let the person, not the age determine whether it will work. And anyone telling someone they are immature has other issues going on, because two adults, especially over 30 should be able to have a reasonable conversation where both can discuss whether something can work or not work, because of experiences, age, or incompatibility. And of course, competing with the experience of a 50+ woman would not make sense as this is not a competition. It's about the two people involved. It's about compatibility with the particular person you're involved with, not their entire age group. Telling someone they're immature is ridiculously arrogant. They're better ways to let someone down without demeaning them. To paint someone as immature is to paint them with a broad stroke. What's mature to one, is immature to the other, what's immature to one, is mature to the other. All depends on what the "person" is looking for. And in the OP, I referrenced mainly 25/30+ women, not 20 somethings, which may be a little different situation.
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Old 03-18-2011, 11:27 PM
 
Location: Wu Dang Mountain
12,890 posts, read 12,906,750 times
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My lady is 20 years younger than me, I'm very experienced and somewhat mature, but my eyes are STILL crossing reading this thread.

OP, good wishes and happy trails!
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Old 03-19-2011, 12:19 AM
 
Location: Los Angeles
754 posts, read 943,701 times
Reputation: 685
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sidda View Post
As I said, if they are not compatible then they shouldn't be together. If not, let the person, not the age determine whether it will work. And anyone telling someone they are immature has other issues going on, because two adults, especially over 30 should be able to have a reasonable conversation where both can discuss whether something can work or not work, because of experiences, age, or incompatibility. And of course, competing with the experience of a 50+ woman would not make sense as this is not a competition. It's about the two people involved. It's about compatibility with the particular person you're involved with, not their entire age group. Telling someone they're immature is ridiculously arrogant. They're better ways to let someone down without demeaning them. To paint someone as immature is to paint them with a broad stroke. What's mature to one, is immature to the other, what's immature to one, is mature to the other. All depends on what the "person" is looking for. And in the OP, I referrenced mainly 25/30+ women, not 20 somethings, which may be a little different situation.
Oh no, I never wanted it to seem like a competition just a preference. Besides, I think we're talking about different things. You're speaking to maturity and I'm speaking more on experience. From my own personal experience I just wanted to explain why I had this "thing" for older men. I would never say or imply that being a certain age makes you mature or immature. What I was saying is that there's something about older men that is just sexy to me. I think a lot of it has to do with them already knowing what to say and do in certain situations for me that I just didn't find in men my age (until I met my fiance, but again he's still learning LOL!!). I think I was just spoiled by it. So in that respect I was just saying that I could see why a man would prefer women his own age. Which is why I think that even though you're referencing 25+, it's still the same principal. It's possible that a 45 year old man has a 20 year old daughter and dating a 25 year old woman, who is basically in his daughter's age group may not be desirable. But we all know it happens. I was only 7 years older than my ex's son. He asked me to stop joking about that

However, you're saying that one shoudn't make the assumption that someone is immature based on their age. I definitely agree with that. Also, a mature person would find a way to let you down easy they won't need to insult you in the process. You're right, that is VERY immature.
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Old 03-19-2011, 12:24 AM
 
22 posts, read 15,086 times
Reputation: 26
Quote:
Originally Posted by SifuPhil View Post
My lady is 20 years younger than me, I'm very experienced and somewhat mature, but my eyes are STILL crossing reading this thread.

OP, good wishes and happy trails!
Well, enlighten us? Since the point is to understand this from different perspectives?
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Old 03-19-2011, 12:31 AM
 
22 posts, read 15,086 times
Reputation: 26
Quote:
Originally Posted by LovelyinLa View Post
Oh no, I never wanted it to seem like a competition just a preference. Besides, I think we're talking about different things. You're speaking to maturity and I'm speaking more on experience. From my own personal experience I just wanted to explain why I had this "thing" for older men. I would never say or imply that being a certain age makes you mature or immature. What I was saying is that there's something about older men that is just sexy to me. I think a lot of it has to do with them already knowing what to say and do in certain situations for me that I just didn't find in men my age (until I met my fiance, but again he's still learning LOL!!). I think I was just spoiled by it. So in that respect I was just saying that I could see why a man would prefer women his own age. Which is why I think that even though you're referencing 25+, it's still the same principal. It's possible that a 45 year old man has a 20 year old daughter and dating a 25 year old woman, who is basically in his daughter's age group may not be desirable. But we all know it happens. I was only 7 years older than my ex's son. He asked me to stop joking about that

However, you're saying that one shoudn't make the assumption that
I agree. You're right.

It's going to be more easily understandable for an older man to want someone his age and experience, just as long as you don't impose expectations of inadequacy on younger partners.
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