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It sounds like you got away while you could... She has a gambling problem and that is going to be devastating to your relationship and not one that will be fixed anytime soon... since you are separated, its time to move along... Keep in mind ADD is EXTREMELY overdiagnosed, but who knows she may have it, I doubt it... not doing laundry and dishes is a sign of laziness rather than ADD... if I were you, I leave, she is on a self-destructive path with her gambling... run...
In her defense, I was actually the one that made the connection between her ADD and her behavior. I'm definitely no clinical psychologist, but I did have the power of Google and I did stay in a Holiday Inn Express I was a little skeptical about disorders like ADD, but after this experience I am now a believer.
Gambling was not the first addiction she has had to battle. Before me there was hard drugs and alcohol. She had beat those addictions so I was hopeful that she would beat this too.
Even with the financial impact her gambling caused, the behavior that caused me the most anguish was the loss of connection, making me feel neglected, unappreciated, and taken advantage of.
She was diagnosed as an adult and does have medication but I did not always keep track of when she was taking it. I seem to remember her mentioning that here worst nights gambling were probably because she took her meds which gave her something like tunnel vision. She would lose track of time and just keep pumping money in the machines.
I wanted to be a saint for her, but I just couldn't continue giving emotionally as much as I was without knowing if she was going to ever give back. Not to mention that now that I was able to put a dollar amount to how much I was continuing to give.
The fights were terrible. We both said mean and hurtful things but she actually had me convinced that I was the one with severe issues. I ended up seeing a therapist who after one session told me my problem - I had needs that she was not fulfilling and it was not fair for me to expect her to change to fulfill those needs. We were quite simply not compatible.
I think you did the right thing in breaking it off. I may have ADD but I don't think it's an excuse for dangerous addiction of any kind. I think it's because, knowing all my life that I was "different", I came to view drugs and gambling addictions as signs of weakness, and I already had enough problems with self-esteem.
Her problems likely run deeper than just ADD, though, and as long as she isn't helping herself, she'll bring down everyone involved in her life. I do not understand meds giving her "tunnel vision". I was on meds for a short time about 15 years ago and I didn't experience anything like that. She was obviously on the wrong regime.
You pulled out of this threatening relationship right on time. Consider the good times like a beautiful shooting star that came and passed that fast.
I think you did the right thing in breaking it off. I may have ADD but I don't think it's an excuse for dangerous addiction of any kind. I think it's because, knowing all my life that I was "different", I came to view drugs and gambling addictions as signs of weakness, and I already had enough problems with self-esteem.
Her problems likely run deeper than just ADD, though, and as long as she isn't helping herself, she'll bring down everyone involved in her life. I do not understand meds giving her "tunnel vision". I was on meds for a short time about 15 years ago and I didn't experience anything like that. She was obviously on the wrong regime.
You pulled out of this threatening relationship right on time. Consider the good times like a beautiful shooting star that came and passed that fast.
Yes, most of folks with ADD try harder than the average person and we tend to blame ourselves when something goes wrong, so it's quite plausible that something else is going on as well. I can see a possibility that the meds made her focus more intensely on the gambling but I don't think that's why she got addicted. It sounds like she just has an addictive personality, which is not necessarily an ADD trait--there are too many of us here who don't have that problem.
I've done a lot of reading about how ADD relationships can be extremely challenging, and from my last experience, I am seriously considering this condition to be a 'red flag' for future relationships.
How have other non-ADDers dealt with the feelings of being neglected, unappreciated, the ADDers lack of consideration and lack of responsibility, etc. I ask because this seems to be an increasingly common disorder and I would hate to pass up on a great relationship because of a single bad experience if other people have been able to work with it.
At one point, I had told myself the only way to make this work was to convince myself that I didn't need emotional validation and that I was just going to have to be happy doing everything in the relationship. Now that I've said that, I can't believe that I was actually considering it.
People with ADD often have addictions, as others have pointed out, but it's not a given. Anyone can take responsibility for their own lives and seek the help and tools they need. She was blaming you for problems she created. You made a very wise, difficult decision. Good job, and thanks for sharing in this post.
I didn't see too many posts on this topic so I thought I'd share my experience for the benefit and comments from others.
Geez how I loved this girl. Our relationship started off at 1000 mph. We were so into each other, seeing each other 5-6 times a week. In 2 weeks we were exclusive, in 1 month came the "I Love You's", and shortly after that she slowly migrated into my place.
Before we met, I was already planning on moving out of state but when she came along I postponed those plans to see where things would go. I didn't mind the pace because I wanted to know sooner rather than later if things were going to work out. Everything was great for a few months but then I started noticing things that began frustrating me.
I've always felt that in a healthy relationship, each partner does things to show the other that they care. For me it was doing little favors, many that she didn't even ask for but I thought she would appreciate. I practice what I preach and made a point of always doing things for her like making her coffee in the morning (I don't drink coffee), fixing her lunch, taking care of her animals, pretty much making sure she had everything she needed and much of what she wanted. I even opened up a separate account so that I could transfer money to her in case she needed it.
I have always been the messy person in relationships, but not in this one. She would say she was going to do the dishes or laundry and I would notice days later boulder sized piles of clothes and dishes overflowing from the sink. I just did the chores without complaining because I didn't expect her to be my maid.
After a while things started to get frustrating because I felt that she was not close to matching the level of effort I was putting into the relationship and many times I didn't even feel that she was even trying. I felt unappreciated and like she didn't care about me or making me happy, meanwhile I was doing everything I could to keep the honeymoon alive.
Then, I remembered something she mentioned early on in the relationship - She had ADD. I had never known anyone with ADD much less had a relationship with someone with ADD. I did some research and found that a lot of the concerns I had were classic ADD relationship issues.
Now that I understood that, I approached things differently. I became vocal with my feelings, letting her know what I needed and what I expected from a loving relationship. Communication, right? She perceived that I was attacking her/picking on her/calling her stupid.
Eventually, it wore her down. I wasn't mad at her, I was frustrated with the ADD. She never blamed the ADD and instead began resenting me. She said I was insecure. Sure, I was insecure, because I was doing so much for her and getting little to nothing back in return. One day we got on the computer and she built the $15,000 engagement ring that she wanted. I sat back and after much thought asked her "What do you do to deserve a ring like that me?" At this point I am thinking that she is using me as her meal ticket.
And then it got scary. She picked up a gambling addiction. At first she said that it relaxed her, and then she said it was because she had no more friends/hobbies (because of me), and then she said I drove her to it. I have to admit, that I did enable this behavior by accompanying her and giving her money, even against my better judgement, because I could see it made her happy. Up until now, this was a woman I could still see myself marrying but now I was afraid I would come home to her one day crying about how 'She lost everything'.
Next came the nights of her staying out late only to find out she was gambling at the casino. One time I had to get out of bed to drag her out of the casino and she cried to me about losing $600 and now she needed money to pay bills. I gave her the money thinking she had learned her lesson. I made her lower her ATM withdrawal limit, but this behavior continued and it actually got to the point where she gambled away the bank deposit for her work. I covered that too.
There were other things that went wrong but this is enough. We recently broke up, but I am afraid I still love her and she is just done with me. We never really had good times and bad times, rather we had 'great' times and 'awful' times. I always held on to the 'great' times hoping to figure out a way to bring them back. We were both exhausted from the fighting. I feel bad because she never did anything really wrong (like cheat) but I would get frustrated and argue about the same things over and over.
Did I fail because I couldn't deal with her ADD? Was I wrong to stand up for what I felt I needed/deserved in a relationship? Are my expectations unreasonable?
dodged a bullet
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I was a little skeptical about disorders like ADD, but after this experience I am now a believer. 
