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Having a hard time with this one. Please think about and let me know what would you do in this situation?
You have a significant other you have been with for 5 years. The relationship is great and you see marriage and child(ren) as inevitable.
She has a nephew that just turned eighteen year old. He is severely autistic to the point that his parents have holes in their walls. Nice things can't be kept in their house as they get broken. He spends most days watching a few minutes of a Barney video over and over for hours. He doesn't eat and is underweight and is a fight every day just to get him to eat. If he doesn't like you (or if he gets angry with you) he can become violent until you leave the room or even the house.
After talking with her sister, your sig other has decided that she wants to take over taking care of the nephew if anything happens to his parents. She wants to make it legal and asks me what i think.
I see a future with this girl and want to have kids with her but have several issues with legally taking on an autistic male for the bulk of his life. Not the least of which would be how we couldn't leave our child alone in the same room because of the unpredictability of an autistic. Then there are huge financial responsibilities with counseling, and special needs. We couldn't take vacations (autistic people strongly oppose changes in schedule). Also, bottom line is I know he is her nephew but, we spend almost no time seeing him now.
I am struggling even now writing this. If I tell her how I feel, I see two things happening.
1. She will tell her sister "no" and that would create a rift between me and her sister as she would see me rejecting her child. Also a huge rift between me and my girlfriend as she would resent me.
2. She would choose her nephew over me (maybe she should) and we would break up over this.
But, if I don't tell her how I really feel and just say "fine, I will happily do it" I see our quality of life going down. Simply for the fact that we will as a whole have a lot less time and money as a result of having to pour resources into a special needs person.
I look at her sisters husband. He is just a shell of a man. Once a proud military man, now he works 60-70 hours a week and then comes home and goes right to work taking care of his son so the mother can rest. He gets no breaks, no vacations, and no rest. He looks like a zombie just mindlessly following his son around with an expressionless look on his face and a glazed look in his eyes.
I'm not saying he isn't worthy of admiration because he is. He takes care of his son and family and that is very admirable, I admit. But what if I don't want that for my life.
When I was younger I would think to myself how incredibly hard it would be to take care of my child if he/she had special needs. Now I am being asked to do it..And they are not even mine! Not only that, but they are an adult already.
Okay first off you need to tell her the absoloute truth and tell her why you dont want her doing this . Be totally honest and if she goes away then at least you know that what you would say in the future would not even be considered . Good luck I know these things can be hard and not easy to talk about .
The reality is hard, but the nephew needs a placement in a facility, not to be kept at home once his parents are no longer able to care for him.
While I completely understand your SO's feelings she needs to be made to understand that misplaced compassion and feelings of responsibility will not serve her nephew, or herself, well.
I STRONGLY suggest you encourage her to meet with a therapist to help her work out whatever guilt she is feeling, or anticipating feeling, that would cause her to forfit her life this way.
In addition, do try to point out to her that just because he is living in a special facility and not in her home does not mean she can't be very involved in his life and visit him regularly, plus maybe even make decisions about his care after his parents are gone.
You are in no way a bad person for not wanting to choose this life for yourself. I hope she gets that.
I believe you need to be true to yourself, and honest with her. Yes, it is a very tough situation, and you could end up the "bad guy" in everyone's eyes. But then again, you are showing her how much you value your future with her and want to give her and your children the best life possible. It could go either way, which is why it is so crucial for you not to compromise on what you believe in.
Okay first off you need to tell her the absoloute truth and tell her why you dont want her doing this . Be totally honest and if she goes away then at least you know that what you would say in the future would not even be considered . Good luck I know these things can be hard and not easy to talk about .
I agree. Tell her the exact truth. That you understand the responsibility she has but you're concerned this huge responsibility will take its toll on your lives. If she loves you (I'm assuming so) she'll consider your side into her decision. This way if she decides not to take care of her nephew, its HER choice and she'll defend it against her family. If she chooses to take care of her nephew then she will know how you feel and appreciate you standing by her decision despite your feelings.
I agree with LM. I have a friend who's son had to be placed in a facility because his own parents couldn't handle him. Autism is not behaviorally set in stone to be this problem or that one. It really varies from person to person and they don't all need to be put in a home. But, someone who is not trained or doesn't have the experience that a parent would have will not likely do well.
As someone else already said, you have to be true to yourself. It isn't wrong for her to want to be there for her nephew and it wouldn't be wrong for you to say that this isn't what you want for your future with her or anyone. Some people are willing to give up their lives for their family and that is admirable. But they can't expect others to do the same.
I really hope you can find a way to stay together.
The reality is hard, but the nephew needs a placement in a facility, not to be kept at home once his parents are no longer able to care for him.
While I completely understand your SO's feelings she needs to be made to understand that misplaced compassion and feelings of responsibility will not serve her nephew, or herself, well.
I STRONGLY suggest you encourage her to meet with a therapist to help her work out whatever guilt she is feeling, or anticipating feeling, that would cause her to forfit her life this way.
In addition, do try to point out to her that just because he is living in a special facility and not in her home does not mean she can't be very involved in his life and visit him regularly, plus maybe even make decisions about his care after his parents are gone.
You are in no way a bad person for not wanting to choose this life for yourself. I hope she gets that.
I had a post similar to yours, but yours is better.
OP, you need to understand that lying would be the worst thing you could do to her.
You need to sit down and speak with her about your side and what you think. If she ultimately chooses her nephew, and you know you can't handle that situation, then that would be a clean break up. It will hurt no matter what, but it will hurt way less than you making an even bigger mistake by going forward with it even though you don't.
I'm wondering why this woman in your life would even expect you to take this on? Certainly she knows that your relationship could lead to marriage...I'd rethink this if I were you. And, I'd tell her how you feel....
I really expected to catch some heat for not wanting this for my future. I admit that the word "selfish" keeps entering my mind.
I really think there is a lot of great advice in here, please keep it coming. Especially if you have any experience with an autistic child or know someone who has. I will talk with my SO tonight about the matter and report back.
Pass the Chocolate. I really loved your post. Thank you, you really seem to have a way with words and I think what you said sums up my feelings completely.
Quote:
It isn't wrong for her to want to be there for her nephew and it wouldn't be wrong for you to say that this isn't what you want for your future with her or anyone. Some people are willing to give up their lives for their family and that is admirable. But they can't expect others to do the same.
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