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Old 03-24-2011, 09:15 AM
 
Location: southyorkshire
18 posts, read 11,155 times
Reputation: 25
Default 2 and half years dating my widowed boyfriend (help)

Hi, im hopeing for some advice please, my boyfriend is 60yrs old this year im 55 this year although im sure age doesnt realy come into it i feel you should know we arnt kids,
my dialema is this,his wife died just 7 months before we met i was concerned at first it could be to early for him so when i mentioned that to him he said and i quote ( i dont feel its to early so you shouldnt )i agreed to go out with him even though i knew he was very cut up with her death they was together 20 years, for the first 8 maybe 10 month i cuddled him when he cryed and allowed him my shoulder alot,i was the one who listened to him keeping her on the pedestal and i didnt mind after all ive never been in that situation so all i could do was be there and listen,as time has gone on im very pleased to say my shoulder isnt needed anymore, after 3 months of meeting him i started to stay at his house weekends also we holiday once a year together, my problem is that it has never changed in nearly 3 years i still only see him weekends and holidays.hes never asked for more.
so as i want a progressive relationship and he knows i do because ive tryed to talk to him ( but hes not listened for the last 6 months)i feel sure he thinks if he switches off this will go away but im afraid i feel hes had long enough to consider me as a life partner, should i stop going weekends and see what happens or should i just carry on as we are and hope!
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Old 03-24-2011, 09:52 AM
 
3,573 posts, read 3,198,203 times
Reputation: 3340
Stop! You're wasting time. He wants something totally different then you. You want commitment and he's not committed to your relationship. Time to step away and tell him that you can't come over for the week-end and see how he reacts. You need to pull back and let him do the chasing now if he wants a committed relationship with you. I'd pull away or tell him you need a break and see what happens on his side. If he changes and then once he has you again and he starts doing the same things as just weekend visits, then I'd end it for good and really move on. Good luck!
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Old 03-24-2011, 09:58 AM
 
Location: Whiteville Tennessee
8,257 posts, read 10,880,617 times
Reputation: 9723
Stop! That will allow him to figure out that just may lose a 2nd good woman. Good luck!
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Old 03-24-2011, 10:37 AM
 
13,517 posts, read 22,150,954 times
Reputation: 9843
I agree you need to step back and see if he is really interested in you or if he just wants someone on the weekends.

I had a similar experience as you and in the same age range.
I dated a widower (and I am a widow) and after 6 months I decided that I wanted more than going to dinner and movie once a week. At first we did spend some time at his house with his family but that was not the norm. We also took a vacation trip.

He told me he didn't want to get married when I said I felt that we were not moving forward. I didn't want to get married right then either but I did want to feel that he had feelings for me. We then had a hurricane hit our area and I didn't hear from him for over 2 weeks. I got the message..
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Old 03-24-2011, 11:50 AM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
43,986 posts, read 53,900,640 times
Reputation: 36666
Quote:
Originally Posted by lippy View Post
Hi, im hopeing for some advice please, my boyfriend is 60yrs old this year im 55 this year although im sure age doesnt realy come into it i feel you should know we arnt kids,
my dialema is this,his wife died just 7 months before we met i was concerned at first it could be to early for him so when i mentioned that to him he said and i quote ( i dont feel its to early so you shouldnt )i agreed to go out with him even though i knew he was very cut up with her death they was together 20 years, for the first 8 maybe 10 month i cuddled him when he cryed and allowed him my shoulder alot,i was the one who listened to him keeping her on the pedestal and i didnt mind after all ive never been in that situation so all i could do was be there and listen,as time has gone on im very pleased to say my shoulder isnt needed anymore, after 3 months of meeting him i started to stay at his house weekends also we holiday once a year together, my problem is that it has never changed in nearly 3 years i still only see him weekends and holidays.hes never asked for more.
so as i want a progressive relationship and he knows i do because ive tryed to talk to him ( but hes not listened for the last 6 months)i feel sure he thinks if he switches off this will go away but im afraid i feel hes had long enough to consider me as a life partner, should i stop going weekends and see what happens or should i just carry on as we are and hope!

He likes things just the way they are.

You don't.

Therefore it is on you to either redefine what is acceptable to you, or move forward without him to find what you know you really want.

Your move.

Last edited by lovesMountains; 03-24-2011 at 12:05 PM.. Reason: spelling!
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Old 03-24-2011, 12:08 PM
 
1,466 posts, read 2,310,212 times
Reputation: 957
Someone who says they are not ready is indeed not ready.
The only things you'll get by forcing or coercing him into wanting the same thing as you are heartache and more questions about his odd behavior.

It doesn't seem like you are ready to cut the ties so you might as well enjoy what you have, that is if you are enjoying it. Unless you have a fearful/watchful eye on your biological clock why rush?
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Old 03-24-2011, 12:14 PM
 
Location: southyorkshire
18 posts, read 11,155 times
Reputation: 25
Thankyou so much for your reply. to be honest with you reading all the replys its made my mind up you cant all be wrong, i will not be seeing him this weekend and if he excepts that without question then im out of there.
thankyou again.x
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Old 03-24-2011, 12:23 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
43,986 posts, read 53,900,640 times
Reputation: 36666
Quote:
Originally Posted by lippy View Post
Thankyou so much for your reply. to be honest with you reading all the replys its made my mind up you cant all be wrong, i will not be seeing him this weekend and if he excepts that without question then im out of there.
thankyou again.x
I'd recommend keeping the lines of communication open.

No need to be pissy or angry with him.

Just calmly explain that while you are glad he's so happy with the way things are, it's just not working for you and you are going to have to do something different.

Best of luck.
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Old 03-24-2011, 01:57 PM
 
Location: Las Vegas
7,668 posts, read 13,503,700 times
Reputation: 9029
Quote:
Originally Posted by lovesMountains View Post
I'd recommend keeping the lines of communication open.

No need to be pissy or angry with him.

Just calmly explain that while you are glad he's so happy with the way things are, it's just not working for you and you are going to have to do something different.

Best of luck.
Exactly! Right on advice.
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Old 03-24-2011, 02:21 PM
 
765 posts, read 505,470 times
Reputation: 1034
Two and a half years is a long time at your ages. It looks like you rescued him when he needed comfort and attention. Now that he is emotionally available, he is either fine with his lifestyle or wants to enjoy his freedom and date other women for a while. There is really nothing wrong with that except you both appear to want a different type of relationship. He won't change. You've told him what you want. Widowed men are very much like divorced men, they seldom devote themselves to the first woman whom they date after their spouse dies or divorce. Busy yourself with other activities on some weekends. Let him 'miss' you.
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