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Old 06-28-2011, 10:38 AM
Location: Prescott Valley, AZ
854 posts, read 1,035,024 times
Reputation: 1122


3a's - I need to update my location - we moved from SE TX to Southern CA 3 weeks ago. Happy to have our family together again - and we will stay put for at least 4 years - moves with promotions. This is only our 2nd move since married in 1994.
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Old 06-29-2011, 01:40 AM
Location: Conservative Las Vegas
15,970 posts, read 19,273,331 times
Reputation: 21486
I just hope that, if you do move, and she moves reluctantly, that she's not the passive-aggressive type, where vengeance is best served cold. Then?
It could get chillier than where you left!
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Old 06-29-2011, 07:10 AM
Location: Wisconsin
7,215 posts, read 7,329,441 times
Reputation: 7708
Originally Posted by DJBrosco View Post

Then my wife tells me that I can just go down there by myself and she would be fine with the kids where we are now. Basically telling me that, "your on your own". I told her I was not living down there without the kids and then she gets extreme and says that a judge can decide where the kids stay if I have a problem with it. All of her flip-flopping has made what was already a stressful situation, into a dire situation. And she seems to think that I'm only taking this job because it benefits me.
Your wife sounds like a very selfish and irrational person. Hopefully you guys can talk about it, possibly with a marriage counselor if needed.
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Old 06-29-2011, 09:14 AM
346 posts, read 392,896 times
Reputation: 674
^ I have to agree. Especially since she was all for it before the interview, then did a 180 after you got the new job, quit your old job AND turned down their counter offer!
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Old 06-29-2011, 02:24 PM
Location: Houston, TX
17,032 posts, read 25,517,339 times
Reputation: 16151
Not sure what I would do if a spouse wouldn't move if a better opportunity came around.

I had a similar situation but was not married. Had been dating a gal for two years. I had moved to her area for work. I didn't like the area especially but I needed experience in the field. I was up for promotion which required a transfer to another site 4 hours away. I asked her about it and she did not want to leave her hometown. i countered that I may be able to work something out where I would be an hour or so away. Again she wasn't interested in moving (and she didn't want to get married agin at that time). I stewed on it for a couple weeks and decided to move on with my life without her. One of the toughest decisions of my life But I would have been angry at her for costing me opportunity and $$$ for advancement. So I guess it wasn't meant to be.

I should add, she managed for a large retailer and could have been transferred to either city we discussed. But she had earlier turned down corporate opportunities so she wouldn't have to move.
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Old 06-29-2011, 02:33 PM
Location: Prescott Valley, AZ
854 posts, read 1,035,024 times
Reputation: 1122
Sounds like you made the right decision/move Oildog!
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Old 06-29-2011, 02:42 PM
2,890 posts, read 5,006,804 times
Reputation: 4562
I'm the primary breadwinner, so we go where my work is. My husband says he'd follow me anywhere, even places he knows he would absolutely hate.

I have to admit that he helped me job shop and made sure he focussed on locations he preferred. So I guess I would admit that I would go anywhere he finds me a job!
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Old 07-05-2011, 03:07 AM
Location: Greenwell Springs
97 posts, read 671,088 times
Reputation: 64
I actually found this post while looking for the best place to ask if anyone else was in this same situation! The whole time my husband and I were dating + the first year-ish of our marriage, I was always, always, always looking around online trying to find a good place to move after I finished school. I hate it here for pretty much the opposite of why the OP hates their area (hot and humid summers that I just can't stand, among other things.)

My husband knew this and seemed to be on board with moving. I finally decided that the Denver area would be perfect and he agreed based on what I found online. We planned a vacation to check out the area last summer, but as soon as we got back and I started seriously looking at real estate in the area, my husband decided that he did not want to move. Apparently, he just never really thought about it until it became very real and when it did he was scared to leave family and friends.

We went back and forth about it until one particularly emotional discussion and I ended up settling and saying we could stay here. We bought a house in February and while I enjoy not renting an apartment anymore, I still find myself wishing that I was anywhere but here quite often. (Like every time I step outside. Seriously, it's like going swimming. Bleh.)

I really don't know what to do about it. I think I'll try to stay here at least another year or two so we can fix up the house and save up some money and whatnot, but I do think I will end up snapping eventually. I just don't like it here.

It makes me feel depressed to think that I might stay here for the rest of my life, but it also makes me sad to think that if I convinced my husband to move he would be unhappy. I just can't decide which situation is worse - staying somewhere I hate or moving somewhere I'm happy but having a husband who isn't or worse, who resents me for making him move...I don't want to hijack responses from the OP, but...anyone have any further advice besides what's been mentioned?
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Old 07-05-2011, 03:53 PM
331 posts, read 315,481 times
Reputation: 460
I would also love advice and am sympathetic with all of you in similar situations. We're empty nesters for the last year with no real ties in our family suburb - never made permanent friends in the 25 years we've been here. We're in the midwest and about 6 years ago I realized I did not want to live with winter the rest of my life. Husband agreed that we could start researching places to move (we were both working from home so location wasn't an issue). We investigated several places over the last few years and then nothing as of last summer. I'm the only one who ever raises the issue; totally non-priority for him.

He finally agreed it was time to get serious (!) and we've been to three more cities since last fall. Our short list is now Portland, OR and San Diego. Personally I already know where I'd go - Irvine, CA which we checked out a few years ago. It met every single one of my criteria; I was ready to move the next day. But he didn't like the small houses and tiny yards, and says the state is expensive, which is true. He doesn't really know what he wants or where he really wants to live, just what he doesn't like. He seems to want a suburban style home but we agree we don't want to live in another family area (our son is out of college and working in San Jose). And he keeps forgetting that good weather was the very first impetus for the move.

Now he refuses to even discuss anything until he has a hip replacement, which he has known was eventually going to be a necessity. But he is nervous about the operation and hasn't initiated anything. My life has been on hold for a year waiting - my job was eliminated last summer and haven't found another, but wasn't looking hard because I THOUGHT WE WERE PLANNING A RELOCATION. Now his post-retirement consulting has also ended. Our entire situation has been toxic to our marriage, especially with no social network and just each other. I am not going to move somewhere I don't like just for his second post-retirement career. I'm on the verge of just moving to Irvine by myself and renting a small place and he can decide if he want to join me. Otherwise I'm in limbo dependent on his priorities for the rest of my life - I'll be turning 60 this fall and do not want the life I'm leading now. Very stressful.

In one discussion (of course initiated by me) he admitted he didn't know what he wanted. I said I knew exactly what I wanted so why didn't we do what I wanted then at least one of us would be happy. Didn't work. And now with neither of us generating income, I'm sure it will be his new excuse even though we have tons of savings and almost no mortgage and someday hopefully well into the future I'll get a good chunk of inheritance.

Whew - feels good to vent - I normally am thinking about all of this at 2 am instead of sleeping.
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Old 07-07-2011, 08:17 AM
8 posts, read 15,534 times
Reputation: 21
OP, at least you are getting a little bit of advanced notice. I am a reluctant spouse who had NO idea that I was reluctant, until the moving truck was unloaded into our new place. In theory, during the prep time, and even researching rental houses, I was all for making the move. It is a great career step for my husband, and I am generally a person who prefers heat to cold. (We moved from the Midwest to central TX.)

BUT we got here, and now I am miserable. I feel bad for my husband, because I feel like I am raining on his parade by being so unhappy. But even the thought of sticking out two or three years so he can get this experience under his belt before moving back makes me sick at heart.

Ultimately, I couldn't stand to be apart from him, so I will stick it out, but the fact that I've even entertained the thought of us doing the long-distance thing during this time shocks me and brings home just how much I HATE IT HERE.
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