U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 1.5 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Jump to a detailed profile or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Business Search - 14 Million verified businesses
Search for:  near: 
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 03-28-2011, 08:55 AM
 
2 posts, read 55,383 times
Reputation: 13
Unhappy Reluctant spouse doesn't want to move

I'm curious if others have experienced the reluctant spouse?

Job and money-wise, it makes the most sense to move now, but my wife hates the idea. Part of it is her reluctance to change in general...but, I know she'll adapt well. And probably love it.

We live up north and no longer enjoy the winters. We have no family within 1000 miles and interact with friends more online/on the phone than in person.

So, I don't want my wife to resent the move, but our quality of life here is deteriorating...

Has anyone else had a very reluctant spouse when you considered relocating?

Any advice?


thanks.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 03-28-2011, 09:46 AM
 
Location: Central Fl
2,900 posts, read 6,082,559 times
Reputation: 2551
I'm fortunate in that my wife and I are totally on the same page in this area.

Perhaps taking baby steps will result in a meeting of the minds.....plan on a week or so someplace where you would like to be....during the coldest part of winter. Do not even say you are looking for your next home.......just enjoy the vacation.

Perhaps visit friends who have made that move....spend time with them and listen to their story on how they are pleased with the move, etc.....

She may warm up to the move after visiting these places, hearing others, etc. I thought I'd never like Florida....too warm, too buggy, gators, etc.....I ended up loving it and buying our future home there.

The worse that could happen is that you have a nice vacation.....there is always the possibility that a change of mind could occur.....

Frank
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-02-2011, 10:55 AM
 
5 posts, read 30,998 times
Reputation: 28
I was the semi-reluctant spouse.

I moved from the west to the east with my new husband. I was led to believe it would be temporary and counted the years until he was done with school. Then came the job offers. Nothing too great in the west and we ended up staying because we got a great offer here (the reason is because nobody wants to be here lol).
I was so broken hearted when my hopes were gone, but I felt I had little room to complain because I am sooo blessed.

I have sacrificed and I don't believe it was worth it.
My children have been raised without knowing their cousins and my side of the family.
I was a lonely mother with few close friends because they all move away after being here for a short time.
My parents both died and I felt cheated not being able to spend time in their last years. I missed my parents 50th wedding anniversary. My mother was given 2 months to live and my husband acted as if he were really put out by my wanting to be there for a few weeks. I felt guilty and torn.
l know he didn't mean to be that way, but he was.
He wants me to like it here and for the most part I fake it. But in my honest heart I really do not like the east. I hate the weather. I miss my family because they are all so close and they do so much together. My husband's family is boring and there are no good "mentor" or good examples there for my children to connect with. Except his mother who is an angel.
I have tried to find my happy place and have and I try to see the good. But the inner most part of my soul wants to move. It won't happen and so I choose to hide my pain. My husband only knows of the tip of the iceberg of how I feel because I don't want him to worry for me.

I didn't know what I was getting into and I didn't know how permanent it would be.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-02-2011, 04:25 PM
 
507 posts, read 556,688 times
Reputation: 765
cpatton, I'm not sure what kind of advice you are giving here.... your situation seems much different than the OP's. I'm sorry for your situation, but don't see how it fits in this thread.

NotAnotherWinter- I think I can relate. When my husband was reluctant to change and I felt like there was no way I could take another winter in the bleak and dreary mid-west I spoke up and made it abundantly clear that I could not take it ANYMORE.

Sometimes it comes to that. I told him I didn't want to split up but that I would have a long distance relationship before I spent another winter in Ohio. I let him know how desperate I really was, and thankfully he listened.

I don't know how much a move really means to you, but if it is truly affecting your happiness to a large degree then I say you must be honest with your wife and let her know. Sometimes people have to compromise and get over their comfort zone and "reluctance to change".

Good luck
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-03-2011, 01:07 AM
 
Location: SWFL
388 posts, read 437,421 times
Reputation: 167
I was the reluctant spouse. And this was after several years of research and planning as to where we were going to retire. Selling our home was not easy. It took 18 months of "open houses", showings with 1 hour of notice, ridiculous offers and even one quasi-psychotic "buyer" who went into contract with an agreed upon price then started making wacky demands! I'm so glad we moved. It wasn't easy but it was defintely worth it. Looking back, I find it hard to believe what I put myself through and I'm generally thought of as being flexible. It wasn't easy but it was so worth it.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-03-2011, 03:11 AM
 
Location: Southern California
3,116 posts, read 3,584,591 times
Reputation: 3475
Quote:
Originally Posted by GrainOfSalt View Post
cpatton, I'm not sure what kind of advice you are giving here.... your situation seems much different than the OP's. I'm sorry for your situation, but don't see how it fits in this thread.
Her situation isn't all that different. She didn't want to move - just like the OP's wife - but she reluctantly did so, and now regrets it. I think her point is that the OP should be careful about pushing his wife to make this move, because if she is truly reluctant she may never get over it - and who wants to make a spouse unhappy?

That said, *MY* advice would be for the OP to suggest a compromise, and make his wife a promise. Suggest that they make a temporary move - rent out their current home - and go! But promise that if she hates the new area, after giving it a two-year tryout, that he will then look for a job in their current area, and they will move back as soon as he finds a job - even if it pays less than he makes in the new area.

I can't see anyone turning down a compromise like that, and maybe, once she's moved, she'll start to love the new area?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-03-2011, 11:09 AM
 
Location: SWFL
388 posts, read 437,421 times
Reputation: 167
Quote:
Originally Posted by bouncethelight View Post
Her situation isn't all that different. She didn't want to move - just like the OP's wife - but she reluctantly did so, and now regrets it. I think her point is that the OP should be careful about pushing his wife to make this move, because if she is truly reluctant she may never get over it - and who wants to make a spouse unhappy?

That said, *MY* advice would be for the OP to suggest a compromise, and make his wife a promise. Suggest that they make a temporary move - rent out their current home - and go! But promise that if she hates the new area, after giving it a two-year tryout, that he will then look for a job in their current area, and they will move back as soon as he finds a job - even if it pays less than he makes in the new area.

I can't see anyone turning down a compromise like that, and maybe, once she's moved, she'll start to love the new area?
OP states relatives are 1000 miles away and only contact is phone and internet so it's not a situation where grandchildren, etc. will be left "behind". Aside from the physical aspects of moving from point A to point B, I believe OP has to explore the issues that form the basis for the reluctance. In my case, I liked the idea of moving and I really wanted to move but the day to day tasks associated with the move (packing, going through belongings, organizing, pulling back from forming new associations and friendships (because we were leaving...), having closure with existing relationships, friends, etc., it was all quite overwhelming. It was overwhelming to the extent that I found myself becoming paralyzed, distracted, and moody. I elected to see a psychologist and in about 8 weeks I worked through these issues. Maybe seeing a counselor would help...
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-07-2011, 06:44 AM
 
Location: Nebraska
4,179 posts, read 5,243,204 times
Reputation: 9163
DH and I had always talked about buying land and having a small farm; tossing over the day-to-day rush and hysteria. For 20 years we raised our kids, bought a home, made our way in our respective positions - always taking vacations in the wilderness and the joys of the West. When he was crushed at work, he suddenly changed his perspective, wanted to hunker down and stay where he was. I on the other hand decided that it was time to make our move. So for 3 years I researched properties, wandered the web, looked at and communicated with realtors in Western states. He kept saying, "Yeah, maybe someday..." but was totally content sitting on his rear watching TV and going to WalMart every day. My daughter and I flew out West for a vacation to look at properties on my list, and still he didn't get it, didn't want to move. I made an offer on a farm, flew back, and told him, "we're moving." He got upset, told me he wasn't going anywhere, what was I thinking, he was crippled for Gawd's sake! My best friend stepped up and asked, "Are You nuts? If you aren't going with her, I AM! This is perfect!" I told DH that I was moving - he could stay. He reluctantly watched the movers come in, pack up everything, then got in his car and I in my truck, we left and headed West. The first six months all he did was whine. Then he got involved with the local guys, started doing his woodworking and the engine repairs he loved for our neighbors, and suddenly he was happy and busy and content. He realized that what we had dreamed, worked toward, and planned for all those years was exactly what we now had - and he is happy as a clam, hates to leave the property, loves fixing things and making things work. Best of all - NO MORE TV and WalMart!!!

So it CAN work out. Sometimes what we fear the most is change, leaving what we know, and thinking we are happy when in fact we are merely "safe".

Last edited by SCGranny; 04-07-2011 at 06:48 AM.. Reason: speling :-)
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-12-2011, 07:46 AM
 
2 posts, read 55,383 times
Reputation: 13
Thanks for the replies everyone.

Just to give a little more background, I grew up moving across several states approximately every 4-5 years, but my wife grew up in the same house until she left for college.

For those with kids, how did they adjust? We have 4 kids that will do fine in a good public school and 1 child that will need a small private school setting so I know that will be an obstacle. I know we can overcome all of these things, but damn I dread the turmoil...

Last edited by notAnotherWinter; 04-12-2011 at 07:46 AM.. Reason: spelling :)
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-12-2011, 01:18 PM
 
Location: Prescott, AZ
1,591 posts, read 1,991,344 times
Reputation: 770
Many times in our lives I have had to make a decision to move many miles that was not popular with my wife.
But she moved with me anyway, sometimes after much argument. We moved a lot to stay employed and after retirement we moved just because we could chose to live elsewhere.
Good luck with your decision.
Married for 42 years now so not all decisions in life have been wrong.

Last edited by keninaz; 04-12-2011 at 01:34 PM..
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:


Over $79,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships
Similar Threads

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2014, Advameg, Inc.

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25 - Top