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Old 03-28-2011, 11:09 AM
 
28 posts, read 47,161 times
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Default Would you stay friends with your ex if she cheated on you emotionally?

I broke up with my ex about 8 months ago because I felt very strongly that she was cheating on me emotionally with a male friends of hers. My assumption was confirmed when, very soon after breakup she started to date that same friend. The relationship didn't last very long and they broke up. She texted me and also left me a message saying she has been thinking about me and wants me to help her with her business and wants to have coffee with me to discuss.

During the no contact period after breakup, I thought if she ever contacted me, her first communication will be a long letter of apology. But she is acting as if everything is cool. I have not responded to her yet. I want to know what others think: can you even be friends with an ex if they cheated on you emotionally?
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Old 03-28-2011, 11:28 AM
 
Location: Emerald Coast, FL
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My default answer would be no. However, if there are compelling extenuating circumstances, then I might - possibly - consider it.
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Old 03-28-2011, 11:33 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mysticguy9 View Post
I broke up with my ex about 8 months ago because I felt very strongly that she was cheating on me emotionally with a male friends of hers. My assumption was confirmed when, very soon after breakup she started to date that same friend. The relationship didn't last very long and they broke up. She texted me and also left me a message saying she has been thinking about me and wants me to help her with her business and wants to have coffee with me to discuss.

During the no contact period after breakup, I thought if she ever contacted me, her first communication will be a long letter of apology. But she is acting as if everything is cool. I have not responded to her yet. I want to know what others think: can you even be friends with an ex if they cheated on you emotionally?
Yes/cheated emotionally and No, friendship wouldn't be possible after that.

I tried to talk to him after the incident--I thought I was pretty nice about--I didn't want/need an apology--just to be certain we were on the same page and clarify that I was disappointed/considered him a much better person. The response was overly defensive imo--clearly he didn't want to talk about this. I'm just not the sort of person who can let garbage build up--I thought we were both mature enough to be open about such things. He just couldn't--for whatever reasons--so I said there is no reason to waste further time.

It gets old being the person who cares more. I've been through enough drama in my life and don't enjoy the recovery process. If I am not interesting, likable, pretty or trustworthy enough I can accept that ---have been doing it for a good while now. I don't do tacky. Have some class--then friendship of some kind might be possible.
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Old 03-28-2011, 11:40 AM
 
Location: St Thomas, US Virgin Islands
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I was in similar shoes quite recently. The very long story (which spans almost two decades and incorporated an intimate relationship of several years' duration followed by a close friendship of several years) is way too long to explain.

Almost two years ago he hurt me very badly where the friendship was concerned. I soon got over that and we were back to being friends but then at the end of last year he pulled exactly the same stunt as before. As hard as it was to dismiss someone who truly had been an excellent friend (as I had been to him too) he popped back recently a few months later as though nothing had happened and with no apology whatsoever except for a cursory, "I'm sorry it happened."

I'm a most forgiving person, rarely hold grudges and even people I've fired from my business still come to see me. Half the time I honestly can't remember the exact reason I fired them in the first place (!) but I welcome them as customers and let bygones be bygones.

I carefully composed and sent my friend an email wishing him all the best but explaining that the friendship had, sadly, been irrevocable breached. I forgave him once but to pull the same dumb stunt a second time hurt me enormously. I haven't heard back from him and didn't/don't expect to but the fact remains that as tolerant and forgiving as I am I have my breaking point.

Your ex now wants to step back in seeking advice for her business. Up to you what you do but it seems that she has no remorse whatsoever, completely fails to understand your position but, because of your knowledge of her business, has faith in your knowledge of her business to be able to offer you assistance.

If you're able to set aside the emotions from practicality, suggest she email you or write to you concerning the help she needs but do it in a businesslike fashion and indicate that this will be a professional consultation for which your hourly rate is $xxxx.

I'm so sorry this happened to you but it sounds as though you've moved on and I hope I've been able to help at least in some small way. Good luck!
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Old 03-28-2011, 11:53 AM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
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Emotional cheating is just as bad as physical cheating - if she cheated, she cheated.

I don't think you can be friends right after a breakup. There has to be a period of time pass, maybe even years depending on how long you were together.

You may need more than the 8 months that have already passed.

You may also benefit by telling her when and IF you are ever ready to be friends with her again, it can't happen until she at least acknowledges how she hurt you and gives you an apology.
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Old 03-28-2011, 12:19 PM
 
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STT, I think I am forgiving too. I don't harbor any resentment towards her. I think she does this because she cannot help it. I seriously believe she has love addiction or relationship addiction. But I don't know what kind of a friendship it'll be if I know she has no consideration pr respect for my feelings.

LovesMountain and Takehike, I think I am on the same page with you! I am a nurturing person by nature and hurts me that I need to turn down her request for assistance with her business. But it would hurt me more seeing her and imagining the other guy (who, btw, is still her friendd) on top of her.
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Old 03-28-2011, 12:27 PM
 
Location: St Thomas, US Virgin Islands
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mysticguy9 View Post
STT, I think I am forgiving too. I don't harbor any resentment towards her. I think she does this because she cannot help it. I seriously believe she has love addiction or relationship addiction. But I don't know what kind of a friendship it'll be if I know she has no consideration pr respect for my feelings.

LovesMountain and Takehike, I think I am on the same page with you! I am a nurturing person by nature and hurts me that I need to turn down her request for assistance with her business. But it would hurt me more seeing her and imagining the other guy (who, btw, is still her friendd) on top of her.
As I said, keep it on a professional level and set aside the emotional aspect. If you can't set aside the emotional aspect then don't even get into the professional arena. Just say you're unable to help her. Simple. Your call. Again, good luck!
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Old 03-28-2011, 01:01 PM
 
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First off, I'm sorry this happened to you. Emotional cheating is very damaging.

In this situation, it sounds like your ex is using you. Not only did she fail to contact you to apologize for betraying your trust, her first communication is to ask you to help her. These are very selfish actions and I don't think she has qualities you'd like in a friend.
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Old 03-28-2011, 01:40 PM
 
28 posts, read 47,161 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cindy_Jole View Post
First off, I'm sorry this happened to you. Emotional cheating is very damaging.

In this situation, it sounds like your ex is using you. Not only did she fail to contact you to apologize for betraying your trust, her first communication is to ask you to help her. These are very selfish actions and I don't think she has qualities you'd like in a friend.
Thank you! I think I also need to take part of the blame as I should have ended the relationship sooner. I told her several times that I thought her relationship with this male friend was appropriate, but she never slowed down spending alone time with him and taking day trips with him. I should have left her when she demonstrated such blatant inconsideration for my feelings.
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Old 03-28-2011, 02:22 PM
 
Location: Maryland
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mysticguy9 View Post
During the no contact period after breakup, I thought if she ever contacted me, her first communication will be a long letter of apology. But she is acting as if everything is cool. I have not responded to her yet. I want to know what others think: can you even be friends with an ex if they cheated on you emotionally?
She may not apologize. She may want you to help her with her business. It's up to you to pretend this didn't happen in your relationship. She wanted to try something different and it didn't work out. Now, she's back for you and your knowledge. Apparently, the other guy doesn't have your expertise in this matter.

Sounds like she's using you for your knowledge.

I didn't become friends with my ex until years after.
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