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Old 03-29-2011, 07:48 PM
 
Location: in the Southeast
334 posts, read 448,343 times
Reputation: 277

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Hi guys! I've enjoyed reading some of the advice you all have given to others, and I'm hoping I can get a few of you wise ones to help me out this time.

My relationship with my s/o is pretty rocky; in fact, at the moment, there isn't much "s" in the s/o, I'm just too old to call him a bf, so... Anyway, here is ONE of the issues we have, and I want to know if it's small enough for me to overlook. There are other issues that are more serious, and a few that are insignificant, but weigh pretty heavily when added to all the others. The issue in question is this (you can skip to the part in bold if you don't feel like reading):

He does not give me the impression that he is interested in my life at all. If something happens to me, he doesn't ask questions (for example, I burned myself badly - he never asked to see it, never asked where/how it happened, how the burn was doing, etc.). I'll mention something going on and he won't inquire further (ex. we're in the middle of performance reviews right now, and things are really busy, so I'll have to call you back; he won't ask about my performance review). I told him once I had to run out and tend to a friend who was having an emergency; he never asked if she was okay or what happened. He has no idea what my sisters' names are or where they live; probably doesn't know where my mother lives. I can say something like "oh I'm so excited! The stuff I ordered just arrived!" and he won't even ask what it is... lol. And worst of all (for me, anyway), I asked him the other day if he had ever read any of my stuff (I'm a writer and editor). He said "no." Have you ever even been to my website? "No."

Wow, really dude??? Needless to say, I didn't feel really good about that.

So anyway, we broke up and he wants to get back together. I told him that I felt like we had too many issues that couldn't really be resolved and that it would just be best for us to move on. He asked me what the issues were, and one by one, I named them. With each issue, he said "fixed. next?" He assured me that he would fix what he could immediately, and he would work on the other issues. I think he was being sincere, but only time will really tell.

So here's my question: if a person who has never really expressed interest in my life and the things that matter to me and suddenly begins to show interest, but it's clearly only because I brought it to his attention, should I be content with that and grateful that he cares enough to work on it or should I roll my eyes feeling like it's fake, and knowing that he's only showing interest because I pointed it out?

Last edited by JustBeingMe404; 03-29-2011 at 08:04 PM..
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Old 03-29-2011, 07:56 PM
 
579 posts, read 719,331 times
Reputation: 673
People don't usually change but once I did have a guy do a positive 180 and go from indifference to treating me like a princess. He never really managed to give me an explanation for why he treated me terribly in the first place other than to say "I [he] was an idiot." He asked me to give him a second chance, and he lived up to it. However I think 99.9% of the time this doesn't work. Men don't usually change.
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Old 03-29-2011, 07:58 PM
 
1,237 posts, read 2,886,750 times
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That's a tough one. Are you going to be content never knowing if he's truly interested or just doing what he's told?

Better question: Don't you think you could find someone who DOES show interest without prompting?

Add that all up with whatever other issues you have and it seems pretty clear to me...
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Old 03-29-2011, 08:00 PM
 
16,752 posts, read 18,962,878 times
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People don't change... they are who they are... they can try to change but don't expect them to change because they will be the same now and in the future... we can promise the stars and we really do try but we are who we really are... I am sorry but he isn't going to change, he is who he is... he will try at the beginning but they always go back to the same routine in the end.... can you put up with the same thing for the next several decades? Unfortunately, some of us have to... its called marriage and its too late at that point for many...
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Old 03-29-2011, 08:07 PM
 
Location: Mammoth Lakes, CA
3,089 posts, read 6,646,759 times
Reputation: 7143
Quote:
He does not give me the impression that he is interested in my life at all.
Then why were you with him to begin with? Serious question. I can understand it if someone was dating a teenage boy and he was this way for the first month. But a grown man after many months? No way.

You don't need to ask anyone here any questions, but you need to ask yourself the following:

1. Why would even contemplate getting back together with someone like this?
2. Why were you with him to begin with?

The man is immature, a loser, incapable of intimacy and surely never in love with you.

I've been with my husband over 30 years and never a day goes by that I don't ask him many questions about his day, what happened to him today, etc.

Caring and loving a person means being interested to to a strong degree in their lives.
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Old 03-29-2011, 08:09 PM
 
Location: Mammoth Lakes, CA
3,089 posts, read 6,646,759 times
Reputation: 7143
Quote:
Men don't usually change
And neither do women.

I guess you could give him a second chance, but you need to communicate to him exactly what you have told us. Give him an opportunity to explain or make excuses, but I feel the chances of this guy changing are slim to none, unless he's 18 years old.
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Old 03-29-2011, 08:12 PM
 
2,596 posts, read 4,650,518 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JustBeingMe404 View Post
So here's my question: if a person who has never really expressed interest in my life and the things that matter to me and suddenly begins to show interest, but it's clearly only because I brought it to his attention, should I be content with that and grateful that he cares enough to work on it or should I roll my eyes feeling like it's fake, and knowing that he's only showing interest because I pointed it out?
Honestly, I'm more interested in hearing about the more serious issues before I answer. Probably the minor ones are no big deal, but it's hard to give good advice without a general overlook. Just "there are worse things" doesn't paint a very good picture. So he kills cats and hangs them in your living room? Or he hangs the toilet paper the wrong way? Or he beats you?

My gut reaction is that I think you can spend too much time trying to force a mismatch into a match... and it ultimately doesn't work. You just waste more of your time. When a relationship is working, it's obvious. There's no need to hem and haw back and forth because it's just like DUH! this is exactly right and fits. Chances are your gut instinct was the right one.

With this specific issue, it would bother me. I think especially women like their partner to be attentive and interested. I think some men aren't as good at showing that. Or, he may just not be that interested in what you do, or may not understand it. Or he may not be much of a nurturer and you may be very needy and require lots of reinforcement. Hard to say. I do think that we can, to some extent, teach our partners what we need. So maybe when my husband hears me complain, he wants to jump in and solve my problems. Maybe I just want him to listen and let me vent while being a sympathetic ear. Is that so bad to spell it out? Should he just be expected to read my mind? I think at times, we have to teach those around us what we need. People are just different. It's not always about right and wrong.
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Old 03-29-2011, 08:39 PM
 
Location: in the Southeast
334 posts, read 448,343 times
Reputation: 277
Quote:
Originally Posted by mermaid825 View Post
People don't usually change but once I did have a guy do a positive 180 and go from indifference to treating me like a princess. He never really managed to give me an explanation for why he treated me terribly in the first place other than to say "I [he] was an idiot." He asked me to give him a second chance, and he lived up to it. However I think 99.9% of the time this doesn't work. Men don't usually change.
Wow, really? That's interesting. But yeah, I tend to agree with you that he's quite unlikely to change. I will say this much, though, I might be in the .1% myself, because when I care enough about a person and there's something I can do to make them more comfortable in the relationship, I'll do it (assuming it doesn't change the very essence of who I am). But yeah, most people don't change when the change doesn't start from within.

Quote:
Originally Posted by swmrbird View Post
That's a tough one. Are you going to be content never knowing if he's truly interested or just doing what he's told?

Better question: Don't you think you could find someone who DOES show interest without prompting?

Add that all up with whatever other issues you have and it seems pretty clear to me...
First question, yes, I probably would be content with that, if he could keep it up. I tend to be pretty needy, so all I need is a little attention and to be shown that the person I love is interested in me. If he can show that, and just give me the platform to talk about the things that concern me, I'd be happy with that. I'm pretty easy to please, apparently. LOL

Second question, I have no idea. Where I live, at my age and with my standards, the options are pretty slim. But yeah, I guess it's getting pretty clear to me, too.

Quote:
Originally Posted by evilnewbie View Post
People don't change... they are who they are... they can try to change but don't expect them to change because they will be the same now and in the future... we can promise the stars and we really do try but we are who we really are... I am sorry but he isn't going to change, he is who he is... he will try at the beginning but they always go back to the same routine in the end.... can you put up with the same thing for the next several decades? Unfortunately, some of us have to... its called marriage and its too late at that point for many...
Several decades? Whew... *sigh*
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Old 03-29-2011, 08:47 PM
 
Location: great airports of the US
67 posts, read 94,932 times
Reputation: 102
Think carefully about how you would feel if he went back to his old habits... I'm not saying anything negative about his character, but it's unlikely that he has changed for the long term.

My own marriage was similar... even at the end, when we were doing the whole counseling thing, we were both pretty firmly cemented in our "selves". We tried to change, I think, but it didn't work out that way. There were other, bigger issues as well... but the truth remains that at some point we stopped being the best part of each other's day.
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Old 03-29-2011, 09:03 PM
 
4,218 posts, read 7,868,006 times
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Is he generally interested about things around him, maybe not "curious" as it sounds too young and perky, but is he open to hearing what's going in the big and small world at all? Or is he the type who is fully engrossed into his hobby/profession and doesn't take interest in anything else other than the cubic centimeters of engine? (or some other narrow area of interest).

If the latter, then it's just him, the personality, and he doesn't mean harm not asking you to elaborate on things you mention in passing.

If the former, it's a bit worse, as he is excluding you as an object of curiosity. How much is it "bad", depends on the recipient (you). Some people are more independent and could care less if their partner jumps at every thing they are doing or every thought they utter. If you say you are a bit more needy, that may be a larger problem for you.

While I was typing, something struck me: Do you ever just tell him point-blank, something like, "Listen, this is what I wrote/edited", or - "I had a performance review and this is what they told me". The things that you mentioned he was not reacting to, - was said in passing. Lots of men don't pick up on things said in passing, they just get the main idea of the message ("I am busy" (not why), "I work with words" (Okay)).
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