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Question is...How does one restore their self-confidence after what happened to me.
Here's a little background. I was diagnosed with IC (SEVERE bladder pain)--oddly more women then men have it. Many give up or have to really alter their lives. I decided to fight it. My wife got up and walked out when I had to go on disability and medicare. I was a college professor and this altered my income earning ability. I was devastated. I also was involved in theatre professionally as well since childhood. I decided I couldn't afford NYC living--and moved to a very small city in KY (26,000+)....I am now teaching part time. I am beating the pain and doing quite well. (I'm planning on moving to a bigger city again sometime soon and pursuing teaching and acting professionally again too).
In the past five yrs since my wife has left dating has been hell. I always have had good luck with dating before marriage and always had many friends. I have tried online dating...i have tried attending arts events and volunteering....I have tried meeting women in every conceivable way. Most women marry here very young and i don't see alot of eligible women even at the grocery store. In my apartment complex are many many men of all ages who have given up. The few single women are overwhelmed with attention.
The dates I have had have been mainly ones through an online dating service (most women don't answer me). I'm 6'1, about 165 or so, age 45 (look alot younger)quirky looking--not ugly, kind of athletic from jogging, but clearly look more "Jerry Seinfeld" than "JocK". Every date I have had -- the women have said things like ; "I prefer a Bigger" guy--a jock--a more well built yada yada. I'm athletic but am not going to bulk up more. For one year I went out with a woman--we had everything in common--were best friends--and then she left me saying; you are not my type--I prefer a jock type--no lust factor--you're not good looking enough....
Another woman I went out with only once...we were together many hours--had a great time--I asked her out again and she said; I"m not physically attractive and she deserves someone to keep her in suburbia, not a guy with a limited income. What would her church friends think? yada yada. She also said if I were a good Christian God would have healed me. WTF? That was the second time I heard that one.
Every woman I've dated here in town--or even a city away--has been very demanding and critical and at times cruel. Especially due to the fact that my income is limited in their eyes. They have told me things like that I'm out and out unattractive--to they don't care about hearing what I've done in the past--about where I went to school ...NOTHING. they seem to all want a well built good looking guy with a big big income from a job they understand.
Finally I had a friend I met through a friend. We were emailing for about a month. I sent her a copy of me doing some comedy for an upcoming engagement..that was the end of her. It wasnt the comedy--When she saw me she decided I wasn't attractive enough to get to know.
This has been about 50 or so times (in about 5 yrs) that I've been told I don't cut it with the looks and income.
What has happened to women with being so demanding. I've read countless blogs about men having similar problems. All the women say that's NOT me..i'm open hearted...i date ugly men--poor men...yada yada...but where are these women in the dating pool.?? I don't see them or encounter them--and you know what? Neither do my male friends or all the lonely men living near me?
How am I suppose to be self confident (which is what women like)--when I'm told on a continual basis that I'm NOT attactive enough--I'm not well built enough--I'm NOT a jock--I'm not rich enough etc etc. I seriously want to not get out of bed. I'm not proud that this is destroying me -
Last edited by dazedhazedamazed; 04-03-2011 at 03:24 PM..
Man up and grow a set. You've already said you can attract women, now you just need to know how to keep them. You said you already had ex girlfriends. You can work out, not take it too much to heart bec*use you do have options. U are already past the magical 6 ft mark. A lot of women have unrealistic expectations like guys do. Some us men are super short like me, fat like others and bald like other still and couldn't attract a woman with a bowl of lucky charms. You have stuff to work with. Work it!
I'd say move out of that town as fast as you can!!! Come back to NYC!!! What a guy looks like or how much money he makes have never made a difference to me. If you can make me laugh and are intelligent - then we're getting somewhere. As for me, I'm married - so that's why I'm not in the dating world. Sorry!
OP, I feel for you. But I would ask you how you've handle it when you haven't been attracted to a woman who was attracted to you? I'm sure it's happened if not recently then some time in the past. You may not have been as cruel as you perceive women have been to you, but I doubt you self-sacrificed for too long. Would you commit to a long term sexual relationship with a woman that you weren't attracted to?
That's weird... I can say my muscles do help to attract the fine ladies... i have a pretty big income to but I don't think that has ever been a problem with ladies as they never knew what my income was (in addition, I lied about it being really low)... so if its that important in that town, maybe go to the local gym and start lifting weights??? Seems like an easy solution? Doesn't it? Once you nabbed her with the ring you can let yourself go... hahaha... jk...
Question is...How does one restore their self-confidence after what happened to me.
Here's a little background. I was diagnosed with IC (SEVERE bladder pain)--oddly more women then men have it. Many give up or have to really alter their lives. I decided to fight it. My wife got up and walked out when I had to go on disability and medicare. I was a college professor and this altered my income earning ability. I was devastated. I also was involved in theatre professionally as well since childhood. I decided I couldn't afford NYC living--and moved to a very small city in KY (26,000+)....I am now teaching part time. I am beating the pain and doing quite well. (I'm planning on moving to a bigger city again sometime soon and pursuing teaching and acting professionally again too).
In the past five yrs since my wife has left dating has been hell. I always have had good luck with dating before marriage and always had many friends. I have tried online dating...i have tried attending arts events and volunteering....I have tried meeting women in every conceivable way. Most women marry here very young and i don't see alot of eligible women even at the grocery store. In my apartment complex are many many men of all ages who have given up. The few single women are overwhelmed with attention.
The dates I have had have been mainly ones through an online dating service (most women don't answer me). I'm 6'1, about 165 or so, age 45 (look alot younger)quirky looking--not ugly, kind of athletic from jogging, but clearly look more "Jerry Seinfeld" than "JocK". Every date I have had -- the women have said things like ; "I prefer a Bigger" guy--a jock--a more well built yada yada. I'm athletic but am not going to bulk up more. For one year I went out with a woman--we had everything in common--were best friends--and then she left me saying; you are not my type--I prefer a jock type--no lust factor--you're not good looking enough....
Another woman I went out with only once...we were together many hours--had a great time--I asked her out again and she said; I"m not physically attractive and she deserves someone to keep her in suburbia, not a guy with a limited income. What would her church friends think? yada yada. She also said if I were a good Christian God would have healed me. WTF? That was the second time I heard that one.
Every woman I've dated here in town--or even a city away--has been very demanding and critical and at times cruel. Especially due to the fact that my income is limited in their eyes. They have told me things like that I'm out and out unattractive--to they don't care about hearing what I've done in the past--about where I went to school ...NOTHING. they seem to all want a well built good looking guy with a big big income from a job they understand.
Finally I had a friend I met through a friend. We were emailing for about a month. I sent her a copy of me doing some comedy for an upcoming engagement..that was the end of her. It wasnt the comedy--When she saw me she decided I wasn't attractive enough to get to know.
This has been about 50 or so times (in about 5 yrs) that I've been told I don't cut it with the looks and income.
What has happened to women with being so demanding. I've read countless blogs about men having similar problems. All the women say that's NOT me..i'm open hearted...i date ugly men--poor men...yada yada...but where are these women in the dating pool.?? I don't see them or encounter them--and you know what? Neither do my male friends or all the lonely men living near me?
How am I suppose to be self confident (which is what women like)--when I'm told on a continual basis that I'm NOT attactive enough--I'm not well built enough--I'm NOT a jock--I'm not rich enough etc etc. I seriously want to not get out of bed. I'm not proud that this is destroying me -
You are being your own worst enemy - stop that!
The reality is, YOU are putting off some kind of vibe that is repelling the women you are meeting.
It may be easier for them to just say "I'm more into muscles" or "I like to date jocks" rather than tell you what they REALLY see when they look at you, plain and simple.
Here's what you do...talk to at least 2 women whom you really trust (a sister, a cousin, a co-worker) and ask them to be brutallly honest with you about what they see you saying about yourself in the way you carry and present yourself to the world.
Get them to help you identify very specificially what you are doing wrong, then work hard on correcting that.
And seriously? ANY woman who would tell you to your face that you aren't "good looking enough" for them is not the kind of woman you should want in your life anyway.
Your looks are not the problem, btw.
Neither are your muscles, or lack thereof, your height, your income, the car you drive, ect.
Your problem is how you carry yourself and your lack of self-confidence.
Now, go call those women in your life you trust and get started on working on the problem
If you are attempting to date the most desirable women - the ones with LOTS of options - then yes, some of them are going to reject you for not meeting their standards. They have so many men coming after them, they can afford to be picky.
If so, my suggestion would be to open yourself up to other types of women. Try dating the ones who are not seen as desirable to every other man on the planet. The truth is, as long as YOU find them desirable, that's all that matters - so figure out what you like that most other men don't, and pursue it!
I'm NOT suggesting that you lower your expectations - no one should pursue someone they're not attracted to. But I am suggesting you open your expectations up a little bit, and see if you're attracted to the women who aren't being pursued by every man on the block. Those women exist, and if your quirks and her quirks fit together, and if you find each other mutually attractive, that's what matters!
Every woman I've dated here in town--or even a city away--has been very demanding and critical and at times cruel. Especially due to the fact that my income is limited in their eyes. They have told me things like that I'm out and out unattractive--to they don't care about hearing what I've done in the past--about where I went to school ...NOTHING. they seem to all want a well built good looking guy with a big big income from a job they understand.
Finally I had a friend I met through a friend. We were emailing for about a month. I sent her a copy of me doing some comedy for an upcoming engagement..that was the end of her. It wasnt the comedy--When she saw me she decided I wasn't attractive enough to get to know.
This has been about 50 or so times (in about 5 yrs) that I've been told I don't cut it with the looks and income. What has happened to women with being so demanding. I've read countless blogs about men having similar problems. All the women say that's NOT me..i'm open hearted...i date ugly men--poor men...yada yada...but where are these women in the dating pool.?? I don't see them or encounter them--and you know what? Neither do my male friends or all the lonely men living near me?
Well, I might suggest that a lot of those kind-hearted women got snapped up and the men who got them realized they were keepers. That would be my first guess.
Another guess would be that maybe you are in a town where you don't really fit in. I've lived in several places and there have been some where I just don't fit. There's nothing wrong with the people there, and nothing wrong with me, but it was like we were a different species because my way of life (from where I grew) up was so vastly different. I moved back.
I think it's easy to blame not getting dates on one thing or another. Heck, there were several threads this week about all the short men complaining a tall guy could get any woman he wanted, yet clearly here is evidence that the tall guys have challenges too, just like everyone else.
Also, I wouldn't say it's fair for you to say *women* are the only demanding ones. There was a post I read earlier today from a guy who was saying how he didn't find any women his own age attractive (he's 40.) He said he exclusively wants to date women who are 5-10 years younger than him, and that when a woman his age hinted around that she liked him, he turned her down, saying he simply couldn't find women his own age attractive. So, I think there are some crummy attitudes on all sides .
Part of me can understand on the income thing. The big guy thing may just be a regional preference. With the income, I think you have to consider that most people look for a partner who can be a partner, not someone they will have to provide for. Maybe that isn't the case with you. Certainly once you're married, you don't know what will happen. Maybe someone gets horribly ill or has an accident and you end up doing that anyway, whole-heartedly because you love them, but for most people, I think planning to go into that situation would be a check in the "con" box. This isn't to say that it's insurmountable, just that all other things being equal, it's not a plus.
Additionally you said there are very few single women there and the ones that are single are fawned over. Maybe you just need to move to a different area?
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