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When my dad died the people I thought I could count on the most were actually the worst in terms of providing any sort of support. One of my friends did send me a sympathy card four months after the fact, yet I did appreciate it. It's taken him six or seven months to realize just how much he wasn't there for me and he admitted he was a jerk. Just hearing him affirm this on a few occasions has been very healing. I never had to ask him. He just offered this.
Anyway, what do you think? Is an apology only valid if someone comes to the realization they owe you one on their own? Does it "count" if you tell them they owe you one and then they apologize?
When my dad died the people I thought I could count on the most were actually the worst in terms of providing any sort of support. One of my friends did send me a sympathy card four months after the fact, yet I did appreciate it. It's taken him six or seven months to realize just how much he wasn't there for me and he admitted he was a jerk. Just hearing him affirm this on a few occasions has been very healing. I never had to ask him. He just offered this.
Anyway, what do you think? Is an apology only valid if someone comes to the realization they owe you one on their own? Does it "count" if you tell them they owe you one and then they apologize?
An apology is only invalid when it is not given sincerely.
Asking for it or having it come to you unexpectedly has nothing to do with it
Anyway, what do you think? Is an apology only valid if someone comes to the realization they owe you one on their own? Does it "count" if you tell them they owe you one and then they apologize?
I don't think it's so much the apology but the emotion and sincerity behind those words.
Sometimes people do hurtful things without realizing they are being hurtful. Sometimes it's how the receiver perceives the actions or words that may hurt their feelings, which was not the original intent.
I've had to say "hey when you said/did that it really hurt my feelings"...and have gotten an apology that was heartfelt and sincere. I've been on the other side of the fence too and then have felt awful when that person pointed out that I made them feel bad. Of course I apologized to that person and was sincere about it.
An apology is only invalid when it is not given sincerely.
Asking for it or having it come to you unexpectedly has nothing to do with it
Ok, so your spouse sleeps with someone else. Scenario A - your spouse says I was horrible and please forgive me. Scenario B - I tell my spouse he owes me an apology and I get one.
Sometimes people don't realize that what they said was tacky or slightly rude.
If you do not see an apology forthcoming and you feel you are owed one, and you have a vested interest in that person, it seems perfectly okay to let that person know you were offended in some way.
At that juncture, they should offer an apology because it's the best thing to do in that instance.
When my dad died the people I thought I could count on the most were actually the worst in terms of providing any sort of support. One of my friends did send me a sympathy card four months after the fact, yet I did appreciate it. It's taken him six or seven months to realize just how much he wasn't there for me and he admitted he was a jerk. Just hearing him affirm this on a few occasions has been very healing. I never had to ask him. He just offered this.
Anyway, what do you think? Is an apology only valid if someone comes to the realization they owe you one on their own? Does it "count" if you tell them they owe you one and then they apologize?
At this phase of my life--I don't really care.
Yes, reciprocity works well--so many forms of it. So many theories--'He/she wants/needs to be alone'---good as any theory. If you are totally alone --eventually you will do something--then you will do something else and so on.
I just say--'You know I am here for you--call anytime'--some things I do well to support others and sometimes I hurt them deeply. If I try to apologize it is generally brushed off. This may be the best way---for all I know.
You do become stronger, need less from people and then you can help other people. So it seems.
I don't think it's so much the apology but the emotion and sincerity behind those words.
Sometimes people do hurtful things without realizing they are being hurtful. Sometimes it's how the receiver perceives the actions or words that may hurt their feelings, which was not the original intent.
I've had to say "hey when you said/did that it really hurt my feelings"...and have gotten an apology that was heartfelt and sincere. I've been on the other side of the fence too and then have felt awful when that person pointed out that I made them feel bad. Of course I apologized to that person and was sincere about it.
Ah, but it's often hard to tell if the emotion and sincerity is real IMHO unless they come up with the idea. But I could be wrong.
Ok, so your spouse sleeps with someone else. Scenario A - your spouse says I was horrible and please forgive me. Scenario B - I tell my spouse he owes me an apology and I get one.
Somehow to me Scenario A seems more sincere.
Instead of telling him he OWED you an apology, why not tell him how his actions made you feel.
I honestly cannot stand when someone says "you owe me an apology". That would put me on the defensive and yes, it probably would not be very sincere either. Now if that same person said "what you did really hurt me" that would at least open the doors for communication.
I always hate it when adults tell children to apologize. It's not sincere if someone is basically forcing you to say it. I teach my kids how to communicate their feelings instead of spewing some generic "I'm sorry". That doesn't solve anything and they learn nothing from it.
Never tell someone they owe you an apology. This way, if you get one, you can be more certain that it's sincere.
Yes, I do think this is probably best. However, some people are so dense they might need to be told. Having said this, if you have to tell someone, it makes it worth less to me if you get it.
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