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If you're planning on having your own family and you're saying that you'd be living with an adult who presents a real physical danger to your children, you have mutually exclusive responsibilities involved here.
I really expected to catch some heat for not wanting this for my future. I admit that the word "selfish" keeps entering my mind.
I really think there is a lot of great advice in here, please keep it coming. Especially if you have any experience with an autistic child or know someone who has. I will talk with my SO tonight about the matter and report back.
Pass the Chocolate. I really loved your post. Thank you, you really seem to have a way with words and I think what you said sums up my feelings completely.
No, a selfish man would say ok honey, whatever you want to do I'll help you-- and then if something happened and he had to take care of someone like this, he'd dump him into a home. Not that I think a placement would be a bad option, but it's obviously not what your SO and her family have in mind. I think you are right to give this some thought.
Is a tsunami going to hit the parents of the autistic son?? Why do you worry if they are alive and kicking. And I don't really like about the legal part. She can fricking take care of him illegally, even
Honestly i think it would be colossally irresponsible for you and your SO to take over care of an adult male with violent tendencies given that you are not professionals.
Also if you want to have children, there is no way you can in good concience bring a child into an environment with an unstable and potentially dangerous man. So she is effectively ending your opportunity to be a Father.
On the one hand your SO sounds quite selfless and brave, on the other hand if I was going to call anyone selfish it would also be her.... because it sounds like she has barely taken you into account in her plans.
She may consider you selfish for not wanting to take on the burden (and yes it IS a burden), because she is so involved in the issue. But I sincerely doubt that anyone not directly involved would think that. I think it's AMAZING that you haven't just said no already.
It's a tough situation, and a hard call..But if you tell your girl you're ok with it, you'd only be lying to yourself and to her...Sometimes you have to know when to bow out...it can be done gracefully, and you shouldn't feel guilty if you feel that it is the right choice for you.......be honest with her, and if she can't accept it, that's not your fault,....you only have one life, and it is what YOU make of it!
What a difficult, painful situation for all involved. Unfortunately in this young man's case, it sounds like his needs are too great to be met at home. Even with two adults caring for him, they are both exhausted, worn down... they are not able to have lives any more. This is, of course, their choice. That being said, I think you would be ruining your life to take this on. It doesn't have to mean you never see her nephew, or that you lock him away in some facility to forget about him. There is a middle ground. He could live at a facility full-time and you and your GF/wife could visit him as often as was feasible. This seems like a reasonable gray area. You would still be able to have contact, to visit, but would still be able to have a life and family of your own. Might that be a more palatable solution for you both?
Her sister may have asked your SO to take on this responsibility and she doesn't want to let her sister down.
She may secretly be wanting you to object and give her an excuse to tell her sister "No". After five years together, why not have a serious talk about your future together and propose?
Here is my take, she ask you your opinion of HER taking care of him in the future...Maybe she doesn't see your relationship going in th same directions as you are thinking...
Unless you have actually proposed and she has accepted I don't even think you need to be considered, she was just asking your opinion.
I see alot of talking in your near future. Good Luck, but first things first.
Thank you all for the advice. The prevelant opinion here seems to be in line with the way I was feeling.
So last night we had a talk. I told her that her heart was big to want to take on such a serious responsiblity, but that I would be lying to her if I told her that was what I wanted for my future. I told her I admired her sister and husband for sacrificing so much for their son but I could not be faulted for not wanting to take over and asked if there was any middle ground such as placing him in a good facility, one that we researched and made sure that they had great caregivers and just visted him often?
She said that there was no way she wanted him in a home. Said she knew how to take care of him. She recalled how she taught him his first words, how she knew what he liked to eat, and how she could calm him when he got angry. She said if we were to have kids, she would just introduce him to them slowly (whatever that means). She said she and him were a package deal.
I am in a hard spot because what are we supposed to do, break up? I find that difficult because her taking care of him may not happen for 10 years, maybe not for 30 years, maybe not ever.
If we break up now, I don't even know what the reason would be...is it because of our difference of opinion in the handling of a hypothetical situation? That seems a rather flimsy reason for what is the longest relationship of my life with a woman I genuinely love.
On the other hand, if we stay together, I think she may stop loving me and at the very least put her guard up and not really giving herself to me, as she knows our relationship will eventually end IF her sister and brother in law were to pass.
Super tough! If she loves you enough, then she should respect your feelings. If you love her enough, then you would respect hers. Love and marriage are full of compromises. The question is, do the two of you love each other enough to come to a compromise on this situation. As you said earlier, the autistic child needs a regular routine, and since he knows your girlfriend; if his parents did die, she would be the next in line to continue whatever regular routine that he needs. Are there any other siblings or family that could take him or help out if it came to that? And one thing to consider, if there is no indication that his parents will be out of the picture any time soon, why worry? Over time your future possible wife might have changed her mind about caring for him. Do you think the autistic child will be able to function on his own eventually? I just wouldn't postpone or miss out on a chance for happiness just because you MIGHT have to take care of this kid.
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