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Got some good responses to my alone too long post...Heres an update.
I have decided to focus on improving aspects of my life, and discovering the man underneath and accepting my true nature if need be. (I cant seem to link the last post, apologies.) To recap, Im a 35 year old guy on my own 16 years...Unable to really commit the time and sacrificies needed to make a solid relationship. Speaking with friends, family and you good folks I realize that the choice is mine, and if I am ready in the future i will settle down if the right gal comes along, and not before. I want to do it right or not at all, and would not want to waste anothers time and play with thier feelings especially.
Has anyone else ever commited to "Self discovery" here? And did you learn further about yourself sucsessfully? I feel at ease lately because frankly, I would beat myself up a lot over this. I feel a bit calmer...I appreaciate all your great responses, and am honored to be here with you
35 is not old by any means. Don't pressure yourself to try to settle into a relationship. Do remain open.
What I've discovered is that, when I am happy with myself and by myself, it takes a lot of pressure off in trying to make things work out with a guy. And that lack of pressure can actually increase the chances of something working out.
Has anyone else ever commited to "Self discovery" here? And did you learn further about yourself sucsessfully?
Currently, yes. It takes patience, motivation, and a lot of time. It's not just figuring how to do it. It's doing it, doing it well, doing it consistently, and internalizing it. I've read a lot of books on philosophy, spirituality, and self-improvement, and I wouldn't consider myself "self-discovered", but I know I'm heading in that direction. Keep at it! Remember, once you hit a "realization" or "feel good moment", don't stop there. That feeling is only temporary. When you reach your goal, you'll know.
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The thing is though, that past a certain age we tend to resist change more, not less. My brother is a bachelor, one of my sons is a bachelor, and my nephew is a bachelor. Once they passed about your age, they really had no desire to get married and have kids because it would get in the way of their routines. For them, self discovery is spelled self absorption.
There is nothing wrong with deciding this, but just make sure you aren't sorry later that your window for having your own family has passed you by. If you wait for everything to be perfect, you will wait forever.
The thing is though, that past a certain age we tend to resist change more, not less. My brother is a bachelor, one of my sons is a bachelor, and my nephew is a bachelor. Once they passed about your age, they really had no desire to get married and have kids because it would get in the way of their routines. For them, self discovery is spelled self absorption.
There is nothing wrong with deciding this, but just make sure you aren't sorry later that your window for having your own family has passed you by. If you wait for everything to be perfect, you will wait forever.
I believe this is true. The stars are going to take a very long time to perfectly align themselves, so for now --- as you continue to work on yourself, also remain open to the idea of meeting someone. Put yourself out there.
I once took a year and a half break from dating and sex in my early 30's.
I wanted time to assess what I wanted in a relationship (having been in several long term relationships some of them lasted more than 4 years which didn't lead to marriage), develop the qualities I wanted to improve, attract a partner with the same goals and desires, and evaluate what I needed to do to make it happen.
Agreed we do resist change as we get older. My life has been a rollar coaster ride as I lost both parents by age 11, have no siblings and was raised by grandma until 19 when she developed alzheimer's, which was heartbreaking to watch and took a lot out of me. Im sure being in survival mode and alone was a big factor..Took a long time to stop feeling like a victim and trying to appreciate what I had and still have in regards to health, career and some good friends. A lot of fear and anxiety still persist, and I want to move completley ahead.
I once took a year and a half break from dating and sex in my early 30's.
I wanted time to assess what I wanted in a relationship (having been in several long term relationships some of them lasted more than 4 years which didn't lead to marriage), develop the qualities I wanted to improve, attract a partner with the same goals and desires, and evaluate what I needed to do to make it happen.
Aren't we all works in progress til the day we die? Of course you shouldn't have a partner if you don't want one but you mentioned fear & anxiety which makes one have a tendency to want to feel in control of their emotional life. Are you waiting to feel in control somehow? As in, no more surprises or roller coaster rides. Unfortunately, when dealing with a human being, they are an x variable in the equation no matter how well you know yourself. People by nature are unpredictable & that's scary.
I know that kind of anxiety as I've dealt with serious issues at a young age too. It's best to let go of fear and know that you can handle whatever may happen. Stop focusing on getting to a vague place where you will feel totally capable & strong. It's there already. All you need to do is be vulnerable enough to test it.
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I want to do it right or not at all, and would not want to waste anothers time and play with thier feelings especially.
You can't know until you try. Embrace the unknown and let excitement replace fear.
Has anyone else ever commited to "Self discovery" here? And did you learn further about yourself sucsessfully? I feel at ease lately because frankly, I would beat myself up a lot over this. I feel a bit calmer...I appreaciate all your great responses, and am honored to be here with you
Yes. I tested some ideas here. What I discovered is that people cannot save a person from themselves. Also, we make the beds we sleep in. If we have children, we make the beds they sleep in. You figured that out. Don't lose sight of this.
For me, it was all about knowing a safe situation from an unsafe one and working from there. I was insecure. Once I got the basics of security down, I am now my own critic but I don't beat myself up anymore. I'm just not afraid of making mistakes because they simply are choices I made. The problem was when I was making the same choices over and over again AND was surprised at the outcomes. It took not being afraid (confidence) to make changes to myself in order to change my outcomes.
It also meant that I had to recognize people who did not hold my mistakes against me and who were not afraid to help me when they could. I learned the most from these people and they are few.
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Well said..
