Would you marry someone who despised their own parents? (husband, family, children)

[WakaFlocka]

I despise my parents, but I have a valid reason. A bigger red flag would be a woman having daddy issues, or a man with mommy issues.

[kinkytoes]

Well, I don't date but if I had to do it all over again YES. I used to think a good relationship with parents was the sign of a great partner. But I have had 3 serious relationships and 2 with men who had wonderful relationships with their mothers.

The downsides:
1. Mom spoils him and takes his side no matter how wrong he is.
2. You feel guilty if you don't spoil him like mom does.
3. He is incapable or reluctant to do "woman" things for himself like cleaning, cooking, making medical appointments...leading you to seriously wonder how he survived "in the wild" in the interim between living with his parents and meeting you.
4. If you and mom don't get along...being with the guy sucks...but only for you as he may use the two conflicting sources of love to benefit himself. Must be nice.
5. If you and mom DO get along, it also sucks because if you break up...guess who you are going to miss?

[Huckleberry3911948]

good OP. if she hates those that love her, trust me, my turn is comin.
he who spits on his family spits in the wind (chinese proverb)

[cpg35223]

Unless there is overt child abuse, no way.

All parents make mistakes. Even the best-intentioned parents can screw something up monumentally. That's because raising a child is like being handed the controls of a plane in mid-flight over New York and being expected to land the thing in Los Angeles without benefit of flight school or an instruction manual.

Some parents do magnificently. Others make a mistake along the way. Some get tired of the constant grind and pressure and snap. Some, despite their best efforts, botch matters.

The way I see it, unless we're talking about deliberate cruelty or abuse, a grown-up tries to recognize the mistakes his or her parents made as exactly that: Mistakes. A grown-up stops punishing his or her parents because of what they did or didn't do. Because in the end we are all human. And the vast majority of our parents, if nothing else, fed, clothed, housed, educated, and tended us. They managed to safely bring us to the cusp of adulthood. And that's saying something.

Now this is where someone chimes in predictably and says, "Well, my mother was a lazy slob" or "My father was an abusive SOB" and then offers up some exaggerated nonsense that's been magnified by dwelling on it for a few decades. Hey, my own father was no picnic. But by my thirties, I realized that he dealt with crushing depression issues that made life more hellish for him than it ever was for us. In that sense, I learned to be a better husband and father by understanding the things he did not do. While I remain highly ambivalent about how he treated those closest to him--my mother in particular--I can at least understand a little of the daily struggle that was his life. So, to those people who obsess over their parents, I say 'Let it go. You'll be far happier if you do.'

So back to the question. A person who hasn't managed to dispense with all that baggage should be a big, fat no for two reasons. Either they are being unfair to the people who raised them or they will be unable to get rid of their grievances. Neither one is a prescription for a happy long term relationship.

[SCGranny]

I loved my dad, despised my mom. I married a guy who loved his dad and despised his mom. Both of our moms used us as scapegoats, loathed us, and told us we were worthless at every opportunity; we didn't live up tot heir expectations. Our dads tried to mitigate these things, and did, for the most part. But DH and I - 29 years of a happy, supportive marriage - both tell used to tell folks - "We only have one problem with our mothers - they're breathing."

You don't have to become your parents - and you don't have to put up with them or let them influence your lives, either. We didn't! We made our own lives, our own family, and raised our kids without them or their nasty influence and cruelties.

[animalcrazy]

Originally Posted by Opsimathia

No. I like having a healthy family around. I don't feel complete without it.

I understand that feeling. My parents were both alcoholics and my childhood was more about survival. My husband warned me not to get close to his family and he was so right. We never had children but we have a lot of kids in our life and friends who are better than family. I think this is better because we get to chose our surrogate family and they are exactly who we need and want in our life. You shouldn't discount someone who's family sucks, we have a wonderful marriage and great life together for 26 years now.

[Crackpot]

It really depends on the parents. Your parents could be those who claim they love people equally, then lose their minds if you date someone outside lolrace/lolstatus etc.

My parents had serious, I mean SERIOUS social hangups but they weren't entirely bad people. I could go into detail, but I'm leaving it as it is. I still resent a lot of things they did, but not them as human beings, and that doesn't make me a bad person at all. Now that they are both deceased it's a tremendous burden lifted from my personal life as hard for me to say. It would spare anyone I'm with the agony of dealing with them and possibly sabotaging any relationship I could have.

Though in it's own weird way, they were looking out of me at the time. My mom for example did intervene when I was infatuated with a couple co-workers when she worked there. Personal secrets and other lies got out and suddenly I was branded un-dateable and "mommas-boy" for years. Maybe it was for the best if those women were more interested in what other people thought of me than giving me the benefit of the doubt.

I used to believed alot of bull about how to deal with the opposite sex so I could of shot myself in the foot being with someone that wouldn't of loved me, but what I can do for them.

[himain]

I really don't know. I'd have to hear the circumstances, etc behind it. But then again, just because you can reproduce, doesn't mean you should! Some people aren't cut out to be parents and can't accept that.

I know I personally couldn't be for several reasons. I don't have the time or want the responsiblity that comes along with it. And then, if someone ever hurt my child, bullied, made them cry, etc, I'd kill them and I'd be in jail. So I'm going to protect my future and not have any spawns

[PurePugx3]

I think it depends on the situation. I don't despise my parents but I don't like them much and do not seek to be around them much either. Neither of my parents have changed so I see no reason to have a relationship. Both addicts (then and now), both culpable for severe neglect, both are personality disordered if not worse, both very manipulative. Had it not been for my grandparents on both sides, I no doubt would have ended up in the foster care system. Mom leaves a 9yo with basically strangers for "the weekend" and comes back 2 months later. No explanation. At 40 I still have never had her tell me what happened. I know why but only because of relatives more sane than she. It's just an example and the situation doesn't make me lose any sleep - not something I struggle with now. My dad is mostly a neglectful deadbeat parent, then and now. At 60+ he still smokes pot daily and is very much an alcoholic. My parents are, by far, the two most selfish folks I know. That part more than anything else is what bothers me.

My background/upbringing was cause for some concern on the part of my DH, as was the verbal abuse
he dealt with from his dad. He doesn't despise him either, probably just a little closer to his mom. His dad no longer behaves in the same manner but has never apologized either. My DH never treated our kids poorly and I was never a neglectful, drug addicted parent. We've been married for 16+ years.

I should note that a long time ago, both of us had a harder time dealing with our upbringing issues. I think everyone has baggage of some sort but the key is how they deal with it. Some parents don't deserve an ongoing relationship and if that equals being despised to some, so be it. If my parents dealt with their issues and made an effort to be better to those around them, including me......I would seriously consider more of a relationship. My DH knows them both quite well, does not blame me a bit for keeping my distance, and/or keeping our kids away from them.

[Shankapotomus]

Originally Posted by West of Encino

I'm sure some people have a pretty good reason to resent their own parents for something bad that happened in their childhood.

I always hear women say if men hate their own mothers, that means they're misogynistic and will hate and mistreat their own wives.

If their parents were Frank and Estelle Costanza I'd give them a pass.