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I'll be honest, she's all over me in public, in private, she wants me to hold her when we sleep together, and she's been having seziure like convulsions during sex. (oh. well. good sex must equal commitment. )
I don't know guys... There's so much cynicism out there. I just truly believe that a man and woman have the ability to work things out, life won't always be roses and butterflies, and that, I believe is why divorce is so prevalent today. People set themselves up for a feeling that won't last. Love and butterflies are two different things. We have been through a slump in our relationship before-around the time she cheated before, but after a few months we made it through. I just don't feel like calling it quits sets up for a better relationship. I think it makes it easy to give up when things get tough, and when you get married with "the one" it's for better or worse, so what better practice now?
What you are describing only works if both parties are at the same commitment level in a struggling relationship. You two are not. She says she is, but her actions reveal much to the contrary. The type of loving commitment you envision is one where the relationship is cherished as much as the person. She's cheating because she needs something that is lacking in your relationship - kissing doesn't just 'happen'. And her last kissing episode is with a crush? This shows she's opening herself up to feelings and situations where she wouldn't if she valued the relationship as much as you.
I'm sure she loves you, but not in way that fosters commitment.
i have been in a relationship for a straight 5 years. we have done just about everything we can do together, vacations, romantic getaways and dinners, etc. now we are at a point where, even though we have talked about getting married after grad school, we are being wedged. so heres the situation, my take on it, and my hopes for your input and help.
first of all, we do love each other, very much, but our problem is knowing where to take that love and how to reach another level.
two years ago, my so went out with some friends and kissed another guy at a party. they havent spoken since as he lives over 5 hours away and we never really knew him anyway. sure i wasnt happy with what happened but i eventually got over it, but at the same time, i recognized her issue with partying and her lack of understanding of how guys are at parties.
her idea is that it is possible to be friends with a guy, until he hits on your or makes a move, at that point she becomes wierded out. at the same time, she has no way of knowing who is safe or who isnt safe until after they are no longer safe...if that makes any sense. but her being around a bunch of guys, with the past in mind, has never been really ok with me but for the most part, i fake it so i dont control every situation.
now heres the hard part, we work in different cities so we see each other about 3 days a week and talk on and off throughout every day. she has 2 roommates who absolutely despise me and all men. they are feminists and even if i bring my so flowers or a nice piece of jewelry, they bombard her with ridiculous accusations that i only use her for what i want and that i am only scared to find another so i buy her love and affection.
she is the kind of person that really molds to the people shes around so obviously she lets this get to her along with the accusations that our love isnt real and other things to that nature.
all of our relationship of five years, we have had no secrecy as far as phone texts calls and email and facebook. most recently, i just happened to pull up my computer where she had forgot to log off facebook and she had a deleted message, that obviously was meant to be discarded before i found it, where a guy was trying to ask her out. after i found this i asked what was going on and later she changed her password.
this was the first red flag. she went out with a friend on a friday night. she then spent the next day crying and didnt want to talk. i knew something was up. she went out again that night. (i mite add that she was supposed to be working both nites and i even saw her on facebook chat but claimed that it was her friend using her pc). i saw her the next day and when we were in the shower together, she had a panic attack. i left the next morning. after work, i called and she said she had something to tell me. i drove to her place and she told me she had a crush on someone. when she went out with her friend, they ended up at a party and he walked with her to get something to eat across the street and back. during which he kissed her.
twice this has happened over the 5 years we have been together. now granted, i am not infuriated because a kiss is somewhat petty to get all worked up over but heres the thing, i told her that i felt that guys cant just be friends with girls and i thought it was a bad idea for her to put herself in that position but she did anyway.
she said that her crush was stupid and that she realized he just wanted to get in her pants and that she loved me. we talked for over an hour and came to the realization that she needs a breather....from what i dont know because she still wants to talk and see each otehr and spend the nite together. we still say we love each other, and i guess ill find out in a few days if she will want intimacy when i see her again. she says she cant live without me but she also says because she is scared of divorce, she wants to make "sure" that we are right. (may i add that, i mean no disrespect to women, but she is on her period and we do have fights alot during that week over dubious things but at the same time, this is by far the worst fight, or well....issue we have had in 5 years)
the point is, i guess, first of all, i dont know how to read this. i dont know what exactly we are supposed to be doing during the "inbetween" from dating to moving further. i dont know how i can trust her from here if she continues having outside relationships with guys as "friends".
i feel like im at a point in our relationship where i dont know what i am supposed to do and i dont know what it means to love her any more than i do now. i also dont know what i should ask of her when it comes to regaining my trust and building a better relationship.
i have been in a relationship for a straight 5 years. we have done just about everything we can do together, vacations, romantic getaways and dinners, etc. now we are at a point where, even though we have talked about getting married after grad school, we are being wedged. so heres the situation, my take on it, and my hopes for your input and help.
first of all, we do love each other, very much, but our problem is knowing where to take that love and how to reach another level.
two years ago, my so went out with some friends and kissed another guy at a party.
she says she cant live without me but she also says because she is scared of divorce, she wants to make "sure" that we are right.
After 5 five years she still isn't sure? That says a lot to me. If you were serious about each other, you'd be engaged already. Lots of people have long engagements. My advice is for you both to start dating other people.
she said that her crush was stupid and that she realized he just wanted to get in her pants and that she loved me. we talked for over an hour and came to the realization that she needs a breather....from what i dont know because she still wants to talk and see each otehr and spend the nite together.
She either is asking for permission to cheat (if you're on a break/taking a "breather" it's not cheating! ) without guilt, or wants to make sure she would be happy with him over you before burning her bridges with you.
Either way, it's over, whether now or if you patch things up, a couple months/years from now, but, it's over (both from her falling out of love with you, and the fact that will not be able to forgive or trust her [which is fine; this kind of nonsense is not something you should forgive])
edit: when the inevitable breakup does come, and it is coming, you will handle the aftermath far better if you are the one to initiate it.
To make this short...she will continue to kiss the toads till she finds her Prince, when she does, You, the Joker, will be gone. You seem to be her Mr.-Right-now-till-something-better-comes-along.
Cut the strings, count your losses, YOU deserve better.
my so went out with some friends and kissed another guy at a party.
i drove to her place and she told me she had a crush on someone. during which he kissed her.
twice this has happened over the 5 years we have been together.
we talked for over an hour and came to the realization that she needs a breather.
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Originally Posted by ttk
We were sixteen, now 22.
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Originally Posted by ttk
she cheated before,
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Originally Posted by ttk
Kissed one guy a few years ago. Never heard from again.... Kissed a different guy recently
Wow! Sounds like if you continue with this, you are just setting yourself up for more heartache/frustration. In fact, I don't know how you lasted this long with that type of behavior from her. Stop being a doormat.
What you are describing only works if both parties are at the same commitment level in a struggling relationship.
You two are not.
She says she is, but her actions reveal much to the contrary.
The type of loving commitment you envision is one where the relationship is cherished as much as the person. She's cheating because she needs something that is lacking in your relationship - kissing doesn't just 'happen'. And her last kissing episode is with a crush? This shows she's opening herself up to feelings and situations where she wouldn't if she valued the relationship as much as you.
I'm sure she loves you, but not in way that fosters commitment.
Kissed one guy a few years ago. Never heard from again.... Kissed a different guy recently
Sounds like the caged hen got out and had a taste of the other Roosters in the area.
Even though it would be nice to have her exclusively...this is not the right thing to do. Let her out and offer her the world. She's young. She knows only you. See what she will do.
What's the saying...if you let them go and they return to you then it was love?
If not...hunt her down and have chicken for dinner...? I don't know.
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