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I just found this forum. Please excuse me ahead of time for my novice post.
I was married for almost 13 years, and together with my husband as a couple for 17 years. A month ago, out of the blue, he comes home and says he wants a divorce and isn't in love with me or finds me attractive. We have three small children. I quit school and put him through school, worked very hard for years, bought our first two properties on my own income, I took a back seat and supported his dreams and career. He strongly wanted me not to work. He is now a partner in a very large firm. I know I am a walking cliche.
I have given my whole life to this man and my family. I am devastated. I am the PTA president, cub scout mom, etc. My husband travels 3-5 days a week, golfs, has several dinners, and sporting events for work. I have never complained, supported him and advised him all along the way. He hasn't been to a grocery store in 3 years, or bought clothes in 4! I've done all kid's appointments and activities on my own. I've kept an immaculate home, hosted colleague dinners, parties, etc.
I'm at loss. I've been with this man for 17 years, I am 35. He was my best friend, partner, team mate for most of my life. I supported him through every up and down. He has always been incredibly selfish, but this takes the cake. His family, friends and colleagues are disgusted with him.
I am tall, thin, fit and fun. I am loyal, caring and supportive. Best of all, I don't take myself too seriously and can easily laugh at myself! I am not perfect and have faults. We all do. I loved him and accepted his faults because that's what you do when you love someone.
I know there is someone else, I'm not daft. I'm not looking to get out there now. I have to focus on my children's well being, nothing else.
Anyone else been through a similar situation? I am worried that no one will want me when I'm ready again. This isn't a boost to the self esteem . I'm 35, a single mom with three kids.
I just found this forum. Please excuse me ahead of time for my novice post.
I was married for almost 13 years, and together with my husband as a couple for 17 years. A month ago, out of the blue, he comes home and says he wants a divorce and isn't in love with me or finds me attractive. We have three small children. I quit school and put him through school, worked very hard for years, bought our first two properties on my own income, I took a back seat and supported his dreams and career. He strongly wanted me not to work. He is now a partner in a very large firm. I know I am a walking cliche.
I have given my whole life to this man and my family. I am devastated. I am the PTA president, cub scout mom, etc. My husband travels 3-5 days a week, golfs, has several dinners, and sporting events for work. I have never complained, supported him and advised him all along the way. He hasn't been to a grocery store in 3 years, or bought clothes in 4! I've done all kid's appointments and activities on my own. I've kept an immaculate home, hosted colleague dinners, parties, etc.
I'm at loss. I've been with this man for 17 years, I am 35. He was my best friend, partner, team mate for most of my life. I supported him through every up and down. He has always been incredibly selfish, but this takes the cake. His family, friends and colleagues are disgusted with him.
I am tall, thin, fit and fun. I am loyal, caring and supportive. Best of all, I don't take myself too seriously and can easily laugh at myself! I am not perfect and have faults. We all do. I loved him and accepted his faults because that's what you do when you love someone.
I know there is someone else, I'm not daft. I'm not looking to get out there now. I have to focus on my children's well being, nothing else.
Anyone else been through a similar situation? I am worried that no one will want me when I'm ready again. This isn't a boost to the self esteem . I'm 35, a single mom with three kids.
Advice?
Thank you.
Warmly,
At a loss
I'm sorry to say this and I hope you take no offense, but your husband is an obvious stupid, ungrateful douchebag sorry waste of education. How could he do something like that to you? You need to move on and forget about this prick. He is not worth the dirt on your shoe let alone your time and mental energy. What a scumbag. Do not worry about him, karma is a dog and will surely bite him in the arse sooner or later.
I just found this forum. Please excuse me ahead of time for my novice post.
I was married for almost 13 years, and together with my husband as a couple for 17 years. A month ago, out of the blue, he comes home and says he wants a divorce and isn't in love with me or finds me attractive. We have three small children. I quit school and put him through school, worked very hard for years, bought our first two properties on my own income, I took a back seat and supported his dreams and career. He strongly wanted me not to work. He is now a partner in a very large firm. I know I am a walking cliche.
I have given my whole life to this man and my family. I am devastated. I am the PTA president, cub scout mom, etc. My husband travels 3-5 days a week, golfs, has several dinners, and sporting events for work. I have never complained, supported him and advised him all along the way. He hasn't been to a grocery store in 3 years, or bought clothes in 4! I've done all kid's appointments and activities on my own. I've kept an immaculate home, hosted colleague dinners, parties, etc.
I'm at loss. I've been with this man for 17 years, I am 35. He was my best friend, partner, team mate for most of my life. I supported him through every up and down. He has always been incredibly selfish, but this takes the cake. His family, friends and colleagues are disgusted with him.
I am tall, thin, fit and fun. I am loyal, caring and supportive. Best of all, I don't take myself too seriously and can easily laugh at myself! I am not perfect and have faults. We all do. I loved him and accepted his faults because that's what you do when you love someone.
I know there is someone else, I'm not daft. I'm not looking to get out there now. I have to focus on my children's well being, nothing else.
Anyone else been through a similar situation? I am worried that no one will want me when I'm ready again. This isn't a boost to the self esteem . I'm 35, a single mom with three kids.
Advice?
Thank you.
Warmly,
At a loss
You both need counseling. but something tells me he'll deny that.
It's just so much easier to tell ourselves that feelings have changed
So go without him.
You need the emotional support and some professional guidance on how to proceed.
I know things look really bad right now, but don't give in to the despair - you can get through this, either with him or without him.
It's too late for them to go to counseling, it's obvious he's been having an affair and his lover is demanding he take care of some loose ends -- like the OP now is to him.
You may have had a good marriage, you may have been friends and everything good but chit happens -- it's far from the worst thing in life. Everyone gets some cross to bear at some point -- some people get cancer, some people have to see their child get cancer. Some people lose a child to car accidents, drownings.
If this is the worst thing that you will face in life, consider yourself lucky. You have your kids, you can be happy. It's just that you will have to be happy without him. He will be the one to pay in the end. You'll see that eventually.
For now, you will just have to deal with the cards you've been given.
I've been in very similar shoes to you, with my wife suddenly announcing that she was leaving me and the kids for greener pastures. You will go through the Kubler-Ross five stages of grief, some stages quicker than others. You need to force yourself to exercise, eat right and seek the companionship of friends and relatives...this is important. Don't try to do this alone.
Spouses that shatter a marriage like this are often communicating and doing things that are completely foreign to the affected spouse. You will not understand your husband, what he is doing, or what he is doing to you, so don't try to understand it. Just go about starting to build your new life. It will take awhile, but you will come out the other side with a sense of peace, well-being and purpose and be much stronger for the experience.
Also, don't try to reason through, or blame, or take responsibility for anything that is going on in your marriage right now. Nothing will make sense now, or after it's over so dwelling and agonizing on it will not accomplish anything...trust me. It's a lot like death, no explaining it, it just happened and you need to power through the emotions and divorce and after-math. When you do come out the other side you will feel better about who you are.
And -- what you have to do is try to keep it amicable -- just for the kids' sakes. But do not lie to them either. He's a jerk and an idiot, it won't bother him to not come home to his kids -- he's letting himself be ruled by his little part. He is choosing some bimbo who doesn't mind sleeping with a married man -- most likely his money impresses her, and it doesn't bother her that it was you who helped make him.
There's no point in being bitter, it won't gain you anything -- just cut him loose, you'll be busy enough being the dependable and solid parent for your children. They need you to be strong -- so that's all you really can be. Make the most of it -- you may just learn to enjoy being in the front seat eventually or soon. No more back seat role for you.
As for the other woman -- for now she's won what she thinks she wanted but he still owes his kids a good chunk of his income for child support -- make sure they get it. The two adulterers now can have each other. Sometimes these things will play out in a rather interesting way -- all on their own. Now she can be in the back seat -- maybe she won't really enjoy it. But no matter -- none of that is your problem in any way. You're your own person now, make sure you keep the support of both families - again for the kids' sakes. Don't bother crying for what turned out to be a big lie. And always remember it is far from the worst thing that could have happened to you.
You won't have to support him, won't have to buy clothes for him, and won't have to grocery shop for him any longer. You will continue to love your kids, put them to bed with good thoughts, and take care of yourself as you have over these past 19 years.
He's someone else's puppet now.
Find a great lawyer, don't be shy about it, and seek any kind of financial support you can get from him, for the kids and for yourself. Continue to hold your head high, engage in the community as you have, and answer people honestly when they ask questions (unless they are just being nosy, then they can take a flying leap).
He hasn't been there for years, and now he's bowing out formally.
Don't get in his way but don't be a pushover. It is not unusual, if he has his way and goes about his business unencumbered, that the larger community will shun him. Morality and values matter in the job market and this will likely be his comeuppance at some time in the future. All looks gloomy now, but the horizon will clear and you will still have your integrity.
Never take him back. Yes, someone will find you attractive, and that future part of life will sweep you off your feet, so you never have to wonder why this happened anymore. It was so the wonder that will become will take place.
I've been in very similar shoes to you, with my wife suddenly announcing that she was leaving me and the kids for greener pastures. You will go through the Kubler-Ross five stages of grief, some stages quicker than others. You need to force yourself to exercise, eat right and seek the companionship of friends and relatives...this is important. Don't try to do this alone.
Spouses that shatter a marriage like this are often communicating and doing things that are completely foreign to the affected spouse. You will not understand your husband, what he is doing, or what he is doing to you, so don't try to understand it. Just go about starting to build your new life. It will take awhile, but you will come out the other side with a sense of peace, well-being and purpose and be much stronger for the experience.
Also, don't try to reason through, or blame, or take responsibility for anything that is going on in your marriage right now. Nothing will make sense now, or after it's over so dwelling and agonizing on it will not accomplish anything...trust me. It's a lot like death, no explaining it, it just happened and you need to power through the emotions and divorce and after-math. When you do come out the other side you will feel better about who you are.
This is excellent advice. I went through the same thing, but without kids. That is both good and bad. I wanted kids with this woman, and I was shattered. Now 4 years later and at 44, the kids thing isn't going to happen. I feel like I was robbed of that. Its so disappointing and it will take you a while to move past this and feel human again, probably a year or longer. Get counseling, join a divorce support group through a church, and pick up the book "Rebuilding when your relationship ends" by Bruce Fisher. These things will be a good start.
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