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So me and my girlfriend had dated for just under a year.. She is 27 and I am 24. She has constantly brought up the talk of wanting to marry me because she is set on the idea that she is getting "old" and needs to settle down now. I have been content with our relationship and did plan on proposing once I found a career. She is already established as a Loan Officer, makes a great salary and wants to stay in the area we are at now for a few more years at least.
The problem with all this is, the economy we live in is basically farm town. This is great for her because she is a loan officer for farmers so her business is striving. My degree is in Criminal Justice... Like I said, this town is based upon farming and hospitality services (and most those are just summer time jobs). Ive applied with the local jail, Rochester NY (2 hours away) Police Department and just recently for a code enforcement officer position. I really dont want to live around here but I really do love her and figured I would start putting more effort into finding anything around here. Im just not sure if she will like the idea of me just finding a "whatever job" just for us to stay together.
Well, about 3 weeks ago she said she needed a Break. She didnt want to do it but she has had a lot on her mind. She has been having anxiety attacks, she cant sleep at night, 1 officer quit her department so she was given 40 more loans and me being unemployed didnt help... I gave her space even though I didnt want to... A few days ago she comes over with a bag of my stuff from her apartment with a note.. She looked and sounded terrible. I asked her if it was over between us and all she did was cry and say that she is a complete mess now with her anxiety and work. I then read her note which went along the lines of:
"Tony, I love you with all my heart. The last year with you has been the best of my life. You were the best boyfriend I could have ever asked for and you treated me so well. Because of all this I know it doesnt make sense that I have to end this relationship. I am not getting what I need or am looking for out of it. You did nothing wrong. Just know that I will always think of you as the best boyfriend I could have ever had. I will always love you, Kate"
After I read her note I emailed her back (I wanted to see her in person but she had gone home for Easter weekend). I told her that I still loved her too and if she was worried that I wasnt going to commit to her she was wrong because I planned on doing it once I found a career because I want to afford the ring she deserves. I went on about more and more stuff and asked if there was any possible way for us to work things out.
She texted me a day later saying she got my messages and would write me back (hasnt done that yet). I asked her if we could talk on Monday (tomorrow) because I was a complete mess. I told her that if she is dead set on her decision that Ill respect that but I still wanted to talk just so she knows how I really feel about her. She said that we could do that. I then asked her if there was any hope for us or if we should go our separate ways after we talk on Monday.. Her response was "Im with my mom and sister at the theatre now... I cant talk about this... I cant get upset in front of everyone here".
And thats how the texts ended.
Our relationship never involved any fights or arguments. The only problems we had were me wanting to leave this area but she wanting to stay in this area for a bit longer because she works for a good company. The last 3 weeks I have realized that I would rather live in this farm town and be happy with her than just pick up and move all alone and be heartbroken at the same time. But then I run into the problem of a terrible job market here (ill have to settle on construction or restaurant work most likely). That was our only problem we ever had. Every other day we were always together and having a good time.
I talked to a few of my friends about this matter and a few family members... They all think that since she is willing to talk and cant tell me straight in person that she wants to end this that she does have some hope for us staying together. But once again, these are friends and family members saying this to me so Im not sure if their opinions are biased.
It does give me some hope that she is willing to talk tomorrow because every other breakup I have gone through the girl doesnt want to sit down and talk anymore.
I figured Ill go see her tomorrow and go all in with how I feel towards her. No, I wont propose since that will be extreme but I figured I would tell her that I want to propose to her but I feel more obligated to buying a ring for her because she deserves more than just my proposal. I also figure I will tell her that even though I am not a huge fan of living here that I will be willing to put more effort into finding work here if we could make a compromise and move in the next couple years (even if its just to Rochester NY or the Buffalo Suburbs).
Am I giving myself false hope in this whole thing or does it sound like there is some sort of chance at me and her getting back together... I know her note says she "needs to end this relationship" but if she cant say it in person and is willing to talk to me on Monday I just wonder if she really means that
I feel for ya! I wish I could give you an insight to her thinking, because I think that's what You want and need but I can't. Sounds weird, how it went down. Has she broken up with you ever? Do you think there is someone else. Unless there is a serious problem, and it sounds like there wasn't, why would she break up with you. I've never broken up with someone and thought they were the best boyfriend ever. I would of hung on tight, and did when I met my husband. I'm so sorry. I can tell you really care about her. I'll say a prayer for you guys that what is suppose to happen does. Best wishes for tomorrow. Try and have a great Easter!!!
I really appreciate it Joy.. No, we never broke up in the past... I was actually supposed to move to Denver, Co in February. I was going to live there for 3 months and see if I could find work and we had both said we would stay together and if I did find a career out there then we would talk more about it.. However, I didnt go, I couldnt leave her for that long Also, I dont think there is anyone else. I was with her almost every day while we dated.. I was the the first one to make love to her in over 3 years because she didnt want to get hurt again (her last boyfriend really messed her up). I think the main problem is she thinks she is holding me back from making a better life for myself. She knows I dont enjoy living where we live (Im more of a adventure/city boy and shes more of a country/family girl). I dont want to say she is holding me back but like I said, it's hard for me to find a career around here (especially when the local police department has maybe 20 officers that cover all the shifts).
So, she loves you with all her heart, you have been the best boyfriend of her life, you treated her so well, you did nothing wrong, she will always love you, and it doesn't make sense to her but she has to end the relationship.
My money is on she met another guy. Don't discount that angle.
To explain this from a female perspective, I'd guess that she wants to find someone to marry and start a family in the next couple of years. Most women think if they don't start having children by the time they're in their early 30's, it won't happen, or they'll have too many problems.
You're not offering her what she needs at this point in her life. Saying you want to marry her once you find a career so you can buy her a ring is sweet, but it doesn't sound like something a man would say if he was ready to settle down and start a family. She's got a career and makes good money, she's already looking at life from an adult perspective...undoubtedly her friends are telling her she's wasting valuable time with a relationship that isn't going anywhere.
If you can afford to be looking for a career, instead of taking whatever work you can find to keep a roof over your head, you probably still live with your parents, which is fine and makes sense in your case, but is probably another point her friends make in the case against you.
You should find a job, even if it takes moving to another city, or starting at the bottom and working your way up. With a degree in criminal justice, besides jails and police departments, you should be applying as a parole or probabtion officer, as an investigator for insurance companies, or retail loss prevention. If you can't find any of that, look for a job doing security in juvenile facilities or halfway houses...something that shows you're working in your field.
I don't think it's only that she feels that she's holding you back...she feels like you're holding each other back.
Don't rush into marriage man because she wants a ring. I think she is just having a meltdown at work and that it's really not about you. One thing to consider is she is probably scared of a long distance relationship especially since you two are in different fields where she can thrive in that area and you cannot.
Just take it easy and try to contact her later on. Just ask how you can help and she should be able to tell you if you can or not.
Well. This is complicated. She is making a manipulation move on you, all or nothing. She has a good job, if you like her, then go for it. But, you are young, and may regret not going out to the "big city" and dating more women. I think you have a good deal now, and should go for it with her. You may not find a good job in the big city, and the other women you meet will probably be losers without good jobs, or already have BF with good jobs.
It is up to you. But make a decision, and don't have regrets or look back...just move forward.
And she may not take you back anyway, in which case, there is no choice, and you are free to move on to the big city. If that happens, move, and go far away.
So sorry this is happening to you. In my experience, relationships need two people who are highly committed and want things to work out. If one person is super committed and the other only so-so? Unfortunately, that couple doesn't have what it takes to make it in the long term. I worry that's what you have here. This will not be the last thing you would have to weather together. Having to move to find work? One person out of a job while the other is stressed? These are small time. Think one of your kids getting seriously ill, losing insurance, house fire, the death of a parent or sibling. The truth is a relationship has to be strong enough to withstand those things.
So while it sounds like your relationship was good on a superficial level, and that you may feel that committed to her, it doesn't sound like she's that committed to you. You can't force her to love you the way she would need to. Even if you coax her back, if she isn't really committed, you are only dragging out the inevitable.
Talk to her. Hear what she has to say. Tell her how you feel. But don't pressure, try to push and throw out all the stops to get her to stay. If she doesn't want to be there enough to make some effort on her end? That's your answer.
I have considered proposing the last 3 months... Im just scared that she will say No if I dont have a ring. The one thing she did tell me awhile back is she doest want me to constantly provide for her if we got married but she would want a real nice ring. And yes, I still do live at home but I will be moving out next month because I want to start my adult life as well. I have contacted the probation/parole departments around here and none were hiring at the time (I will contact them again), there are no halfway houses or juvenile facilities around here and I never considered a job as an investigator for an insurance company but I will definitely look into that field this coming week.
To me, it seems very obvious she is playing a game of brinksmanship.
She is trying to force your hand to marry her. Her strategy is to write a farewell letter, hoping you'll "come to your senses" and marry her. You state that she was constantly nagging you to marry her. I don't believe she has anyone else, though she probably wants you to think so.
I would bet the house this is what's happening. I don't believe there is another man, she merely wants to push the point and get a wedding ring on her finger. I would be very wary of a woman who was so obsessed with getting married and settling down. Marriage consists of the wishes of both partners, not just one.
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