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View Poll Results: Did you ask the father for permission to marry his daughter?
Yes 29 52.73%
No 26 47.27%
Voters: 55. You may not vote on this poll

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Old 04-18-2012, 05:53 PM
 
3,516 posts, read 6,761,227 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Curmudgeon View Post
The matter of respect has come up a number of times in this thread. My youngest daughter got married about eight months ago. My wife and I were misinformed by her regarding the wedding. It was presented as more of an elopement. It wasn't. She had a wedding and had someone else walk her down the aisle. Her, now, husband never communicated with us (we live 2,000 miles way), never introduced himself to us even by phone and hasn't to this day. I finally remonstrated with my daughter about the total lack of courtesy and the disrespect on both their parts and now I'm not burdened with communications from either of them. They're expecting a child in August.

So it goes. I'm still a traditionalist and I'm not going to lower my standards of proper deportment for anyone. Too many already have. I'm standing firm.
It sounds like you weren't particularly wanted at the wedding in the first place so I don't know why you would expect your daughter or son-in-law to ask your permission to marry, let alone include you in their lives.
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Old 04-18-2012, 05:55 PM
 
28,896 posts, read 53,969,898 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Curmudgeon View Post
The matter of respect has come up a number of times in this thread. My youngest daughter got married about eight months ago. My wife and I were misinformed by her regarding the wedding. It was presented as more of an elopement. It wasn't. She had a wedding and had someone else walk her down the aisle. Her, now, husband never communicated with us (we live 2,000 miles way), never introduced himself to us even by phone and hasn't to this day. I finally remonstrated with my daughter about the total lack of courtesy and the disrespect on both their parts and now I'm not burdened with communications from either of them. They're expecting a child in August.

So it goes. I'm still a traditionalist and I'm not going to lower my standards of proper deportment for anyone. Too many already have. I'm standing firm.
Wow. What did you do to make her mad?
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Old 04-18-2012, 06:03 PM
 
6,536 posts, read 7,255,167 times
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Maybe it's not an American tradition to do this or it has been left in the past. In my case, as I said on the previous page, it was not about asking for permission but simply doing what we thought was honoring our families and making our engagement a family celebration. Both of our families knew each other since our relationship became formal. Can’t imagine us simply sending our families the invitation for the wedding all of a sudden.
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Old 04-18-2012, 06:13 PM
 
Location: Full time RV"er
2,404 posts, read 6,558,389 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Opsimathia View Post
Did any of you? How did you do it?
YEP ! I sure did, talked with the step mother ( I was More afraid of her ) Fother came home about 10:30 pm we were sitting on the couch with mother in law, she told husband that I had some thing I wanted to talk to him about , he said ok and took off his gun belt ( He was a police officer for the city) I poped the question that I wanted to marry his daughter and was hoping for his blessings. He then proceeded to explain how hard it was going to be ( wife is a deaf person, has been all her life) I told him I understood , he said ok , that he wanted me to be sure I was up to it . Then mother in law asked when we were planning the wedding ? I told her in 3 weeks ! mother in law went thrugh the roof , said she needed more time to get ready ( money for the wedding) I told her that I had already made the araingmnets , bought the wedding dress, flowers , the cake and arraignmnets with the church. We were ready to go, all she needed to do was come . well she did and we did get married ( I had only known the wife for 3 months) this yr it will be 49 yrs. Oh yea , the father and mother in law got divorced 3 yrs after we go married.

Last edited by Fighter 1; 04-18-2012 at 07:09 PM..
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Old 04-18-2012, 09:29 PM
 
Location: SW MO
23,593 posts, read 37,333,939 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by UnexpectedError View Post
It sounds like you weren't particularly wanted at the wedding in the first place so I don't know why you would expect your daughter or son-in-law to ask your permission to marry, let alone include you in their lives.
Ya think? That was rather obvious, wasn't it. Read on.

Quote:
Originally Posted by cpg35223 View Post
Wow. What did you do to make her mad?
That's the curious thing. Her mother and I divorced when my daughter was six. For the next 10 years all three of my daughters were relentlessly and severely alienated from me by their mother. In time the oldest came around but that left the two youngest still in their mother's home. I kept in touch as best I could.

When the younger girls were 16 and 20, all three girls contacted me and begged me to get the youngest one away from their mother who had custody. I reopened the custody matter in court and succeeded. Since the two girls had been the most severely alienated and turned against me, rather than insist that the youngest live with my wife and me, I arranged for the two girls to get an apartment together, both were working, I provided a lump sum to them to get them situated and then continued to provide monthly assistance for the next two and a half years.

During that time my wife and I saw them often, attended their activities, helped out in other ways and all seemed fine - a wee bit guarded but nothing major. The youngest is now 23 and several times in the intervening years we helped her out financially when there was a need, not of her own making. In other words, we've been very supportive and not just financially.

Four years ago I retired and a year later my wife and I moved 2,000 miles away, purchased our retirement home and looked forward to retired life where we wished to be.

Now you tell me what I did to make her angry.
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Old 04-19-2012, 09:01 AM
 
Location: North Carolina
2,657 posts, read 8,009,371 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by UnexpectedError View Post
I don't care about the traditional aspect, it offends me and makes me feel like I'm a piece of property or an incompetent child.
There are other aspects to courting and marriage that were "traditional" but now flung off. Promising to obey her husband in the wedding vows is one.

One poster from way back in the thread put it well when they broke it down into age stages; the younger the couple, the more likelihood that they could use the counseling of parents and seeking the approval of the father.

It sounds cute, when it's late teen or early 20s youngsters following such a tradition, but it's not surprising that older, thoroughly dependent women would be offended. I know I would have squawked "you did what?!" if my spouse-to-be had sought permission from my father. I was just a few years shy of 30, had been living on my own for many, many years and, because of scheduling and distance, only saw my parents every three years or so. My father had not been in a protector, authority figure, nor had I "been on his hands" in any way (I'm boggled at some of the terms people are using in this thread ) for over a decade. The most I would expect (and accept) from my parents would be a "I know you have a good head on your shoulders; I'm sure you chose well" to my choice of a lifemate.
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Old 04-19-2012, 09:06 AM
 
28,896 posts, read 53,969,898 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Curmudgeon View Post
Ya think? That was rather obvious, wasn't it. Read on.



That's the curious thing. Her mother and I divorced when my daughter was six. For the next 10 years all three of my daughters were relentlessly and severely alienated from me by their mother. In time the oldest came around but that left the two youngest still in their mother's home. I kept in touch as best I could.

When the younger girls were 16 and 20, all three girls contacted me and begged me to get the youngest one away from their mother who had custody. I reopened the custody matter in court and succeeded. Since the two girls had been the most severely alienated and turned against me, rather than insist that the youngest live with my wife and me, I arranged for the two girls to get an apartment together, both were working, I provided a lump sum to them to get them situated and then continued to provide monthly assistance for the next two and a half years.

During that time my wife and I saw them often, attended their activities, helped out in other ways and all seemed fine - a wee bit guarded but nothing major. The youngest is now 23 and several times in the intervening years we helped her out financially when there was a need, not of her own making. In other words, we've been very supportive and not just financially.

Four years ago I retired and a year later my wife and I moved 2,000 miles away, purchased our retirement home and looked forward to retired life where we wished to be.

Now you tell me what I did to make her angry.
Who knows? I haven't heard the other side of the story, but I also know that rationalization is the most powerful force in the universe. To your point, my in-laws can also be equally generous with their time and support, but also can do so in such an overbearing and domineering manner that they tend to alienate people. One of my wife's SILs so chafed at my MIL's presumptive ways and continuous editorials on how she ran her life that the woman divorced my BIL after a year of marriage. Another SIL simply refuses to attend any family functions any more. She has a five-year-old nephew that she's never met because she cannot stand being in the presence of my wife's family. My MIL and FIL are both mystified why the wives of their sons feel that way about them, while I kind of understand. I'm more laid-back about my in-laws, but I've been forced more than a time or two to assert myself when they've started stepping over the line in my own life and marriage. So while I have no idea what the true circumstances were behind your daughter's alienation, I'd bet there were contributing factors on both sides.

Last edited by cpg35223; 04-19-2012 at 09:16 AM..
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Old 04-19-2012, 09:08 AM
 
28,896 posts, read 53,969,898 times
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All that being said, I now wish I had been more traditional about it. Our decision was a quick and spur-of-the-moment thing, so my father-in-law pretty much had a fait accompli handed him when they returned from their trip. It would just have been the nice thing to do on my behalf.
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Old 04-19-2012, 11:21 AM
 
Location: Austin
2,162 posts, read 3,355,805 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jackmccullough View Post
Given what I read on that site, I wouldn't take their advice on anything. Who says, "It's still proper etiquette to do so"? In my view, asking for the father's (or both parents') permission to marry their daughter is not only unnecessary, it is an offensive attack on a woman's autonomy.

Also, don't buy that old saw about spending two months' salary on the engagement ring. Who do you think came up with that? That's right--deBeers.
It's actually 3 months...and yes, it's a retarded concept.
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Old 04-19-2012, 11:25 AM
 
Location: Center of the universe
24,645 posts, read 38,537,096 times
Reputation: 11780
Being old-school the way I am, I would have if there'd have been a father to ask.
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