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When I get rejected in a date-type situation I just say something like;
"Ok, that's too bad, I had a nice time though, see you around..."
or "Ye I kinda got the same vibe, have a nice day/weekend/~"
And that's it. I think it's the easiest way too, to just be a bit polite, say goodbye and leave it.
I usually get a bit torn up inside, (because I get so hopeful when I meet someone so my feelings rush through me way ahead of time) but I don't say anything else than the above. I just leave.
I go to the gym, get some heavy metal music and push weights until I'm to tired to think about it.
When I was in beginning of high-school I still did the "try-to-reason-her-into-liking-me" thing but of course it never worked, and It didn't take more than 2 or 3 times until I learned that when women say they're not into it it the battle was already lost before that.
When I dated, I rarely had to deal with outright rejection because most women send obvious signals when they are not very interested. We men are the same way.
These guys shouldn't have to wait for you to spell it out to them, which most people won't do so at least you were honest instead of playing mind games.
When a woman didn't like me, I would simply make it easy on her by hastening our date and acting completly oblivious to it. Not only did I get to end the date on my own terms, but it avoided me a lot of awkward situations. Most people don't want to hurt others so they will try to BS their way out of a date.
Your choice of word is interesting though..."defeat". I never saw dating as a game. I didn't conquer or defeated anyone. It simply works out or doesn't.
To the OP:
It sounds like you've dealt with a few guys who are frustrated with rejection and are taking it out on you. That's unfortunate. At least you are honest, as that's far more respectful than leading a guy on with no interest in taking things further (especially when expensive dates are involved).
My perspective on rejection as a guy:
Like GeorgeLucas mentioned, I've also largely avoided rejection by paying attention to body language and other non-verbal clues.
EXAMPLES:
If you're on a date and at 9:00pm she says she's "really tired after a long day", it's game over.
If she acts noncholant or talks about herself all the time rather than asking questions about you (it goes both ways, by the way), then she's not that into you.
If she doesn't make eye contact with you or is distracted by things happening around you, you're cooked.
See where I'm going? It's not that hard to gauge interest level. Actions speak louder than words, right?
I think a lot of guys are just too persistent in trying to "win over" a woman's interest despite those clues. I just back off if I'm not sensing a positive vibe. No one likes hearing the "well, you're a really great guy, but let's just be friends...." speech. I'm sure women don't really enjoy having to tell a guy that either, and I think the OP can attest to that.
I've been on dates with a few guys and when the time comes to reject them or tell them I feel there's no connection or compatability, they don't take it very well at all. Some have turned to insults, others have told me I didn't give them a chance to let them show their real selves, and others just won't accept it. I have always been honest with them so I don't think I deserve being insulted...I never lead people on, it's just simply that there's no chemistry and that's it. The latest one had me laughing quite a bit. He seemed normal, albeit maybe a bit strange and mysterious, but when I told him I couldn't continue seeing him and gave him my reason, he went on about how he was a highly successful and respectable person in "x" field and had several connections in that same field and that I missed out on a golden chance to be with a very wealthy person, etc. I had to laugh at that. Why can't people just accept defeat and humbly move on? What happened to having some self-respect?
But you don't give them a chance for them to show their real self and you don't give yourself a chance if you reject after a first meeting or date. Lila, people are complex, I am complex, you yourself are complex. You can't possibly KNOW all the details (good/bad) about anybody after one or a few meetings. That guy you just wished "a good life to" and who you may have hurt very bad............he just may have been the best mate for you who you have ever met and who you ever will meet. He may have something so right for you and he or you may not even realize that its there and that what he has will resonate so perfectly with you.........until you see it somewhere down the line.
That's one reason why quick rejection is wrong if the guy seems to be a good man.............Think about this please before you reject the next man, ok?
... Why can't people just accept defeat and humbly move on? What happened to having some self-respect?
Might as well ask why people are not able to own up to their mistakes.
Most folks have a carefully cultivated image of themselves that can not accept negative feedback. It is self-respect on their part to defend against a perceived or outright slight. Minor rejection ends up with a need to reassert that image. This can done by anger, denial or the need to proclaim they are too good to be rejected. I know of no real difference between the genders when it comes to this. Though the old statement, "Hell hath no fury like a women scorned", might imply that it is not equal.
I agree with those who say you should be aware of which way the winds are blowing. No need to be surprised (and thus defensive) by a rejection if you can read the signs.
Might as well ask why people are not able to own up to their mistakes.
Most folks have a carefully cultivated image of themselves that can not accept negative feedback. It is self-respect on their part to defend against a perceived or outright slight. Minor rejection ends up with a need to reassert that image. This can done by anger, denial or the need to proclaim they are too good to be rejected. I know of no real difference between the genders when it comes to this. Though the old statement, "Hell hath no fury like a women scorned", might imply that it is not equal.
I agree with those who say you should be aware of which way the winds are blowing. No need to be surprised (and thus defensive) by a rejection if you can read the signs.
All true but what of those women who will hide their "signs" of rejection coming to the man because their egos want the boost of having the man ask to see them again?
And how can we allow ourselves to notice the signs or hints of rejection to come if our egos cannot accept negative feedback?
All true but what of those women who will hide their "signs" of rejection coming to the man because their egos want the boost of having the man ask to see them again?
Not sure what your point is.
Quote:
Originally Posted by WaltHowe
And how can we allow ourselves to notice the signs or hints of rejection to come if our egos cannot accept negative feedback?
I believe that was my point. Many peoples images are crafted such that they will react poorly to any assault upon them.
But you don't give them a chance for them to show their real self and you don't give yourself a chance if you reject after a first meeting or date. Lila, people are complex, I am complex, you yourself are complex. You can't possibly KNOW all the details (good/bad) about anybody after one or a few meetings. That guy you just wished "a good life to" and who you may have hurt very bad............he just may have been the best mate for you who you have ever met and who you ever will meet. He may have something so right for you and he or you may not even realize that its there and that what he has will resonate so perfectly with you.........until you see it somewhere down the line.
That's one reason why quick rejection is wrong if the guy seems to be a good man.............Think about this please before you reject the next man, ok?
If anything, after seeing their reactions I think I dodged some bullets. Who wants to be with someone who begs or tries to fault you, or even insult you? I do understand what you're saying though, and sometimes if the guy is nice enough, even if the chemistry isn't there, I try to go out with him more to see if feelings start to develop, but no, nothing. I'm done with dating for a while .
But you don't give them a chance for them to show their real self and you don't give yourself a chance if you reject after a first meeting or date. Lila, people are complex, I am complex, you yourself are complex. You can't possibly KNOW all the details (good/bad) about anybody after one or a few meetings. That guy you just wished "a good life to" and who you may have hurt very bad............he just may have been the best mate for you who you have ever met and who you ever will meet. He may have something so right for you and he or you may not even realize that its there and that what he has will resonate so perfectly with you.........until you see it somewhere down the line.
That's one reason why quick rejection is wrong if the guy seems to be a good man.............Think about this please before you reject the next man, ok?
WaltHowe - you are right that everyone is complex, so it's important to give it a chance when getting to know someone. And I do think there are people out there who are very quick to judge and dump, unfortunately. However, I think the OP/(Lilamx) has good intentions, as she said she will try to go out with a good guy more to see if chemistry might develop. That's more than fair if you ask me. She IS giving good guys a chance, and I find that very respectful.
Let me share a little story with you about one time I got rejected. I learned a lesson here.
*****
Several years ago I went out with a girl three or four times. I thought I was really interested in her, as she had a lot of qualities that I was looking for in a woman. She wanted to go to an opera and even though operas are not really my thing, I took her anyway. Well about halfway through, I wanted to hold her hand. So I leaned over to her and whispered "can I see your hand?" She held out her hand in a way that she probably presumed I was going to whip out some M&Ms into her hand like at the movies, but instead I took her hand into mine. What happened next? Well, I could just "feel" the hesitation in her hand. I then whispered "is this ok?". Her reply was "not yet". So I whispered back "cool" and let her have her hand back.
Anyway, I acted like nothing happened afterwards when I drove her home, maintaining a normal conversation. She invited me inside for a drink (water!) when we got back to her house, and I decided to address the issue and basically apologized if I made her feel uncomfortable when I tried to hold her hand at the opera. Her response was that she really liked who I was as a person and REALLY wished that she felt chemistry, but she just didn't. I could tell that she genuinely felt that way. Yes, I was disappointed but I held my head up. I told her that happens in dating and not to worry about it. So I left on a very amicable note, even though I did wish she would have been attracted to me. I knew that I had been a good guy and a gentleman in every way to her, so I had no reason to feel down.
So what did I learn from that experience? I learned that you can really like someone; you can totally have the utmost respect for that person; they can be like Mother Teresa. They can have all the qualities you're looking for, but you can't control whether you feel an attraction for someone despite everything else falling into place. Walt-haven't you ever met a great gal, but yet you just didn't feel a romantic attraction? It happens to both guys and gals, and it can be frustrating.
So in a nutshell, I certainly don't hold it against a woman if she doesn't feel chemistry. Not every woman is going to be attracted to a guy. And you're not going to be attracted to every woman either. It's just a fact of life. It can be frustrating sometimes, but I guess it makes it all the more exciting and fulfilling once you DO find mutual interest and chemistry!
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