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Old 04-27-2011, 10:52 PM
 
372 posts, read 524,655 times
Reputation: 199

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Quote:
Originally Posted by lilamx View Post
If anything, after seeing their reactions I think I dodged some bullets. Who wants to be with someone who begs or tries to fault you, or even insult you? I do understand what you're saying though, and sometimes if the guy is nice enough, even if the chemistry isn't there, I try to go out with him more to see if feelings start to develop, but no, nothing. I'm done with dating for a while .
Too much rejection can bring the worst out of a man. There's going to be good and there's going to be bad inside of everyone you ever meet. Honestly, the man who you rejected isn't going to beg, fault, insult you if you had told him you enjoyed the meeting with him so let's do it again, but a starving man begs for love as a starving dog begs for food..........but we don't fault the starving dog so why fault a very lonely man (or woman for that matter) who put all their hopes on you or I?
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Old 04-27-2011, 11:07 PM
 
372 posts, read 524,655 times
Reputation: 199
Well said, IS 35 and I lived that experience myself a few times too. But what is so called "chemistry"? And does this "chemistry" make trouble for us? Thanks to what is called "chemistry", we are looking at failed marriages over the last 45 years or so (since the term "chemistry" was coined to describe physical attraction plus a few similarities in taste/personality) and so many foolish women and men so wrongly chose their mates over the years based on "We feel 'chemistry' towards each other so we "know" that getting married to each other is the 'right' thing to do".............I never knew any other time but the older people did and they have told me of a time when people had better marriages because they chose each other on inner qualities rather than on fleeting "chemistry".

That women who rejected you. Sorry but I have to call her a fool. I mean I met this type of woman many times myself. She I have to say is a 21st century cliche because she's thinking the way so many other women of today think. She gets a good man who she really likes? What more can she want? True physical attraction? True love? It would grow over the years if only people would ALLOW it to grow.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Interstate 35 South View Post
WaltHowe - you are right that everyone is complex, so it's important to give it a chance when getting to know someone. And I do think there are people out there who are very quick to judge and dump, unfortunately. However, I think the OP/(Lilamx) has good intentions, as she said she will try to go out with a good guy more to see if chemistry might develop. That's more than fair if you ask me. She IS giving good guys a chance, and I find that very respectful.

Let me share a little story with you about one time I got rejected. I learned a lesson here.

*****
Several years ago I went out with a girl three or four times. I thought I was really interested in her, as she had a lot of qualities that I was looking for in a woman. She wanted to go to an opera and even though operas are not really my thing, I took her anyway. Well about halfway through, I wanted to hold her hand. So I leaned over to her and whispered "can I see your hand?" She held out her hand in a way that she probably presumed I was going to whip out some M&Ms into her hand like at the movies, but instead I took her hand into mine. What happened next? Well, I could just "feel" the hesitation in her hand. I then whispered "is this ok?". Her reply was "not yet". So I whispered back "cool" and let her have her hand back.

Anyway, I acted like nothing happened afterwards when I drove her home, maintaining a normal conversation. She invited me inside for a drink (water!) when we got back to her house, and I decided to address the issue and basically apologized if I made her feel uncomfortable when I tried to hold her hand at the opera. Her response was that she really liked who I was as a person and REALLY wished that she felt chemistry, but she just didn't. I could tell that she genuinely felt that way. Yes, I was disappointed but I held my head up. I told her that happens in dating and not to worry about it. So I left on a very amicable note, even though I did wish she would have been attracted to me. I knew that I had been a good guy and a gentleman in every way to her, so I had no reason to feel down.

So what did I learn from that experience? I learned that you can really like someone; you can totally have the utmost respect for that person; they can be like Mother Teresa. They can have all the qualities you're looking for, but you can't control whether you feel an attraction for someone despite everything else falling into place. Walt-haven't you ever met a great gal, but yet you just didn't feel a romantic attraction? It happens to both guys and gals, and it can be frustrating.

So in a nutshell, I certainly don't hold it against a woman if she doesn't feel chemistry. Not every woman is going to be attracted to a guy. And you're not going to be attracted to every woman either. It's just a fact of life. It can be frustrating sometimes, but I guess it makes it all the more exciting and fulfilling once you DO find mutual interest and chemistry!
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Old 04-28-2011, 12:04 AM
 
Location: Midwest
50 posts, read 130,562 times
Reputation: 38
Quote:
Originally Posted by WaltHowe View Post
Well said, IS 35 and I lived that experience myself a few times too. But what is so called "chemistry"? And does this "chemistry" make trouble for us? Thanks to what is called "chemistry", we are looking at failed marriages over the last 45 years or so (since the term "chemistry" was coined to describe physical attraction plus a few similarities in taste/personality) and so many foolish women and men so wrongly chose their mates over the years based on "We feel 'chemistry' towards each other so we "know" that getting married to each other is the 'right' thing to do".............I never knew any other time but the older people did and they have told me of a time when people had better marriages because they chose each other on inner qualities rather than on fleeting "chemistry".

That women who rejected you. Sorry but I have to call her a fool. I mean I met this type of woman many times myself. She I have to say is a 21st century cliche because she's thinking the way so many other women of today think. She gets a good man who she really likes? What more can she want? True physical attraction? True love? It would grow over the years if only people would ALLOW it to grow.
I think most people think chemistry equates to physical attraction and nothing else. In reality, it's much more than that. To me, chemistry is the combination of three things between two people:

1) physical attraction (the obvious)

2) mental connection (a feeling that youíre best friends with each other..based on inner qualities)

3) emotional bond (comes from trust/companionship/open communication from being best friends..again, based on inner qualities)

As everyone can attest, it's possible to have the physical attraction but not the mental connection or emotional bond. This is exactly why so many marriages fail. Without the mental and emotional components, physical attraction will fade over time. It all (i.e. those three components listed above) has to be there. I feel confident in knowing that I wonít settle down with someone Iím just attracted to but do not feel the mental/emotional connections. When people say theyíre looking for the whole ďpackageĒ, I think thatís what they mean. They want the attraction and mental/emotional connections both. And believe you me, that combination is really hard to find!

Turning back to the issue of rejection, it happens all the time in dating, man. Iíve been there. Youíve been there. Every other guy on this forum has been there. We have all been there more than we want to admit. You just donít hear about it from other guys, because theyíre trying to save face or their egos. Any guy who tells you that he has never been rejected is either a liar or has never taken a chance in dating. It still happens to me once in a while, but like I said I largely avoid those situations by paying attention to those non-verbal clues and back off if Iím not getting a positive vibe. And by the way, women do get rejected too. Itís no fun, but life goes on.

By the way, it would have been easy for me to call the girl who rejected me a fool. But you know what? Looking back, I realized that she and I really didn't have the total mental connection anyway. I think I was trying too hard because she had a lot of qualities I liked (wasn't into the bar scene, had a sense of morals/values, down to earth, absolutely gorgeous etc.). And you know what? I think if you look back at the girls who have rejected you, you might be able to find some good reasons why it didn't work out!
I sure did!

Hang in there. Youíre not alone!
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Old 04-28-2011, 12:47 AM
 
372 posts, read 524,655 times
Reputation: 199
Good post!

Ok but we were talking in this thread about "rejection after the first meeting" so that's what I'm referring to here. Now the physical attraction is an instant thing, true, but physical attraction on its own can be a big deceiver leading people down into the usual modern "error" era bad marriages but now here's the kicker.....................

How can anyone achieve your numbers two (mental connection) and especially your number three (emotional bond) after one meeting? Oh yeah, you might THINK you feel them or that you DON'T feel your numbers two and three after one meeting or date but those qualities take time to find in the other person or time to develop/grow in the other person and I've been saying throughout this thread that we have to give it time because we don't really know whether or not your examples two and three are there latent or not yet seen inside the person you are choosing to reject.

That woman who rejected you, she had no idea whether or not there might be a true mental connection/emotional bond between you and she so she did a foolish and juvenile thing to both of you and yes she cheated herself too. The physical attraction part? It grows. One of the things which can make the physical attraction grow can be a discovery or a development of the mental/emotional attachment. Another can be the simple fact that being loved will often make your features bring out its best while rejection/neglect/loneliness/anxiety can put the stress into your looks.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Interstate 35 South View Post
I think most people think chemistry equates to physical attraction and nothing else. In reality, it's much more than that. To me, chemistry is the combination of three things between two people:

1) physical attraction (the obvious)

2) mental connection (a feeling that youíre best friends with each other..based on inner qualities)

3) emotional bond (comes from trust/companionship/open communication from being best friends..again, based on inner qualities)

As everyone can attest, it's possible to have the physical attraction but not the mental connection or emotional bond. This is exactly why so many marriages fail. Without the mental and emotional components, physical attraction will fade over time. It all (i.e. those three components listed above) has to be there. I feel confident in knowing that I wonít settle down with someone Iím just attracted to but do not feel the mental/emotional connections. When people say theyíre looking for the whole ďpackageĒ, I think thatís what they mean. They want the attraction and mental/emotional connections both. And believe you me, that combination is really hard to find!

Turning back to the issue of rejection, it happens all the time in dating, man. Iíve been there. Youíve been there. Every other guy on this forum has been there. We have all been there more than we want to admit. You just donít hear about it from other guys, because theyíre trying to save face or their egos. Any guy who tells you that he has never been rejected is either a liar or has never taken a chance in dating. It still happens to me once in a while, but like I said I largely avoid those situations by paying attention to those non-verbal clues and back off if Iím not getting a positive vibe. And by the way, women do get rejected too. Itís no fun, but life goes on.

By the way, it would have been easy for me to call the girl who rejected me a fool. But you know what? Looking back, I realized that she and I really didn't have the total mental connection anyway. I think I was trying too hard because she had a lot of qualities I liked (wasn't into the bar scene, had a sense of morals/values, down to earth, absolutely gorgeous etc.). And you know what? I think if you look back at the girls who have rejected you, you might be able to find some good reasons why it didn't work out!
I sure did!

Hang in there. Youíre not alone!
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Old 04-28-2011, 01:01 AM
 
372 posts, read 524,655 times
Reputation: 199
Yes and as you said, most people will consider physical attraction and ONLY physical attraction (with a few "inner" qualities thrown in) to be what they call "chemistry" and that I believe was what your date was doing to herself and to you...............she liked you as a person, liked you as a man and liked your decency but she possibly refused to allow herself to feel physical attraction to you. Why sanctify her? She's foolish. She could have given you time and allowed her early perceptions to change. Why are you putting her on a pedestal? She's only a human being and in my view, she's one human being who can't think for herself because she seems to think thoughts and mouth cliches which "average" or "normal" follower people think and say today....on their way to picking the WRONG mate or relationship and based on looks.
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Old 04-28-2011, 01:25 AM
 
Location: Southern California
15,088 posts, read 16,956,110 times
Reputation: 10278
Quote:
Originally Posted by lilamx View Post
I've been on dates with a few guys and when the time comes to reject them or tell them I feel there's no connection or compatability, they don't take it very well at all. Some have turned to insults, others have told me I didn't give them a chance to let them show their real selves, and others just won't accept it. I have always been honest with them so I don't think I deserve being insulted...I never lead people on, it's just simply that there's no chemistry and that's it. The latest one had me laughing quite a bit. He seemed normal, albeit maybe a bit strange and mysterious, but when I told him I couldn't continue seeing him and gave him my reason, he went on about how he was a highly successful and respectable person in "x" field and had several connections in that same field and that I missed out on a golden chance to be with a very wealthy person, etc. I had to laugh at that. Why can't people just accept defeat and humbly move on? What happened to having some self-respect?
I've reached a happy point in my life where I want others to be happy, too. If she rejects me, then I figure 'it is what it is' and wish her the best. Besides, I don't see how I could be mean to her when just before she rejected me I was being nice to her.

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Old 04-28-2011, 01:31 AM
 
372 posts, read 524,655 times
Reputation: 199
Quote:
Originally Posted by MIKEETC View Post
I've reached a happy point in my life where I want others to be happy, too. If she rejects me, then I figure 'it is what it is' and wish her the best. Besides, I don't see how I could be mean to her when just before she rejected me I was being nice to her.

I just go into clam up mode and I silently walk away without looking back. I realize at the moment of rejection that she obviously wasn't what I thought she was and in weeks or months to come, I see her as the petty, foolish, superficial person that she is rather than the "dream come true", intelligent, sensitive, mature woman I thought she was.
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Old 04-28-2011, 01:44 AM
 
Location: Louisiana
494 posts, read 1,414,344 times
Reputation: 431
When I was rejected by this one girl I liked, I took it pretty calmy to be honest. I told her I understood where she was coming from, told her it was alright. To be honest though, I felt like total crap, and I sat and sulked about it for a while. So I guess rather than lash out at her, I just internalized the pain for awhile, and got over it. I think she respected that because we are friends still... kinda.
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Old 04-28-2011, 02:20 AM
 
12,671 posts, read 20,512,290 times
Reputation: 2619
I got rejected in a basketball game.
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Old 04-28-2011, 08:12 AM
 
Location: Not Nowhere
1,321 posts, read 1,737,243 times
Reputation: 1747
Quote:
Originally Posted by Texas User View Post
I got rejected in a basketball game.
I hope this doesn't turn into another "short men" thread.
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