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Old 04-28-2011, 12:39 PM
 
372 posts, read 525,302 times
Reputation: 199

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Quote:
Originally Posted by MattB4 View Post
Ah yes, the Sour grapes method of life.

You should realize that the gal that rejects you could be someones "dream come true", intelligent, sensitive, mature woman", just not yours. Reading through several of your comments here, I am wondering if you are a all or nothing individual? Many folks are.
What does "all or nothing individual" describe? A person who will have to have a relationship going with the woman or else he walks away? No, to me having "gal pals" is fine IF I can share my gal pals with my wife if you get my drift. I'm a 100% pro marriage man. I consider marriage to be the normal state for men and women, I consider singleness to be a wretched condition so that's my "bias" if you want to see it that way or that's where I'm coming from.

As a single man looking for a marriage minded woman, I might appreciate one or two gal pals but follow the rest..................But not if the "gal pal" winds up metaphorically putting a dress on me and begins using me as a "sensitive male girlfriend with insights into what "desirable" males think like". I start getting that and my hostile NY attitude goes sky high.

The gal who rejects me. Methinks that she could often be a serial rejecter who winds up accepting the wrong man for her.............one who winds up doing things like (pick one or several) cheating on her, verbally abusing her, beating her (not at chess), renewing his drinking and or drug problems/quitting his job/blowing his money on gambling/breaking the law.............Just look at the track record of some of these serial rejecters.........They can't pick a man who is a winner, they always pick the losers.
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Old 04-28-2011, 12:57 PM
 
372 posts, read 525,302 times
Reputation: 199
Quote:
Originally Posted by MattB4 View Post
Ah yes, the Sour grapes method of life.

You should realize that the gal that rejects you could be someones "dream come true", intelligent, sensitive, mature woman", just not yours. Reading through several of your comments here, I am wondering if you are a all or nothing individual? Many folks are.
Also I go for a sort of truth in advertising thing. (For a woman) Advertise yourself right from the get go as being a "gal pal" and maybe I'll like it but advertise yourself as a "single woman looking to start an LTR with a sensitive, intelligent, communicative man" and I show myself to be all of these? Then if turns out that you also wanted looks but I don't have the looks then to me you are superficial, foolish, dishonest and I'm walking away from you as fast as I can.
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Old 04-28-2011, 01:01 PM
 
3,906 posts, read 4,423,950 times
Reputation: 2697
Quote:
Originally Posted by WaltHowe View Post
I'm not THAT attractive. I'm an average looking guy who gets treated like he were an undesirable by "average" looking NY women. If I were really attractive then I wouldn't need a singles/dating/mating site, right?
Sometimes the average ones are even more picky and rude because they are insecure and judge themslves on how good looking a guy they can get..
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Old 04-28-2011, 01:18 PM
 
946 posts, read 2,418,890 times
Reputation: 1073
Quote:
Originally Posted by MattB4 View Post
Ah yes, the Sour grapes method of life.

You should realize that the gal that rejects you could be someones "dream come true", intelligent, sensitive, mature woman", just not yours. Reading through several of your comments here, I am wondering if you are a all or nothing individual? Many folks are.
I agree. Sometimes, when we're rejected or find someone unattainable, it makes us feel better to tell ourselves, 'well, he/she didn't deserve me anyway', 'if he/she rejected me, he/she's just a superficial, selfish person who I didn't want to be with anyway', etc.- things like that to make us feel better. But just because that person didn't see the potential in us doesn't make them a horrible person who's not going to be great for someone else. It doesn't mean that person always picks the wrong people either. It's as simple as not having a connection or chemistry with YOU, that's it.
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Old 04-28-2011, 01:39 PM
 
Location: Tucson
42,837 posts, read 77,258,315 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WaltHowe View Post
If I were really attractive then I wouldn't need a singles/dating/mating site, right?
If you didn't live in NY, chances are you still would need it.
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Old 04-28-2011, 02:51 PM
 
1,561 posts, read 1,856,059 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WaltHowe View Post
What does "all or nothing individual" describe?

...

The gal who rejects me. Methinks that she could often be a serial rejecter who winds up accepting the wrong man for her.............one who winds up doing things like (pick one or several) cheating on her, verbally abusing her, beating her (not at chess), renewing his drinking and or drug problems/quitting his job/blowing his money on gambling/breaking the law.............Just look at the track record of some of these serial rejecters.........They can't pick a man who is a winner, they always pick the losers.
This is what I mean. Your view point of the gal that rejects you is entirely negative. You do not see it as, "oh well I guess that did not work out, better luck next time". I would be careful of this thinking pattern since it could set you up for a girl that accepts you that in the end might be your worse nightmare.

Women are just people. Some good, some evil, the majority falling in between those extremes.
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Old 04-28-2011, 04:30 PM
 
Location: Midwest
50 posts, read 130,731 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WaltHowe View Post
Good post!

Ok but we were talking in this thread about "rejection after the first meeting" so that's what I'm referring to here. Now the physical attraction is an instant thing, true, but physical attraction on its own can be a big deceiver leading people down into the usual modern "error" era bad marriages but now here's the kicker.....................

How can anyone achieve your numbers two (mental connection) and especially your number three (emotional bond) after one meeting? Oh yeah, you might THINK you feel them or that you DON'T feel your numbers two and three after one meeting or date but those qualities take time to find in the other person or time to develop/grow in the other person and I've been saying throughout this thread that we have to give it time because we don't really know whether or not your examples two and three are there latent or not yet seen inside the person you are choosing to reject.

That woman who rejected you, she had no idea whether or not there might be a true mental connection/emotional bond between you and she so she did a foolish and juvenile thing to both of you and yes she cheated herself too. The physical attraction part? It grows. One of the things which can make the physical attraction grow can be a discovery or a development of the mental/emotional attachment. Another can be the simple fact that being loved will often make your features bring out its best while rejection/neglect/loneliness/anxiety can put the stress into your looks.
WaltHowe-
I've been talking about rejection in the context of having gone out two times or more. I do agree that an outright rejection after the first date can be a little premature unless it's totally obvious that you are not on the same wavelength. If having a conversation is like pulling teeth because you're just two completely different people, then a second date probably isn't warranted (notice I said "probably"). But if you have a good conversation but are still a little unsure, I do agree that it should be given a chance with another date to see what happens. A lot of people do expect to experience the head-over-heels fireworks when they meet "the one", but I think that's just Hollywood and just not realistic. Many long-term relationships take a little time to grow.

As for the girl who rejected me, it's entirely possible that her definition of chemistry was just physical attraction like you said. If it was, fine. If she ends up with the wrong guy in the long run because of short-sightedness, it's her issue and not mine. I'm not sure where you're getting the idea that I put her on a pedestal though. I knew I liked her qualities and was very interested, but at the same time I treated her like a human being. I simply wanted to get to know her better and date her further, but I didn't worship the ground she walked on or anything like that. That's something you should never, ever do anyway. It looks desperate and serves as a total attraction killer for women. Anyway, I just wanted to share that story with you to provide some insights into the much-disliked issue of dating rejection. From one man to another, I'm just trying to help.

The worst thing you can do is dwell on past rejections when you go out on dates in the future. Bitterness can be seen from miles away. Don't let your past experiences poison future opportunities. There has to be an awesome, attractive woman out there who appreciates everything that you have to offer. They are out there. I've met some in the past. There is a whole range of people out there from wonderful to downright evil. It just takes a while to find a diamond in the rough.

Quote:
Originally Posted by WaltHowe View Post
Yes and as you said, most people will consider physical attraction and ONLY physical attraction (with a few "inner" qualities thrown in) to be what they call "chemistry" and that I believe was what your date was doing to herself and to you...............she liked you as a person, liked you as a man and liked your decency but she possibly refused to allow herself to feel physical attraction to you. Why sanctify her? She's foolish. She could have given you time and allowed her early perceptions to change. Why are you putting her on a pedestal? She's only a human being and in my view, she's one human being who can't think for herself because she seems to think thoughts and mouth cliches which "average" or "normal" follower people think and say today....on their way to picking the WRONG mate or relationship and based on looks.
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Old 04-28-2011, 04:33 PM
 
Location: Brooklyn,NY
1,961 posts, read 4,169,192 times
Reputation: 1176
Just take it like a man and move on.
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Old 04-29-2011, 02:03 AM
 
372 posts, read 525,302 times
Reputation: 199
Quote:
Originally Posted by JBT1980 View Post
Sometimes the average ones are even more picky and rude because they are insecure and judge themslves on how good looking a guy they can get..
Unfortunately that is so true.
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Old 04-29-2011, 02:04 AM
 
372 posts, read 525,302 times
Reputation: 199
Quote:
Originally Posted by Interstate 35 South View Post
WaltHowe-
I've been talking about rejection in the context of having gone out two times or more. I do agree that an outright rejection after the first date can be a little premature unless it's totally obvious that you are not on the same wavelength. If having a conversation is like pulling teeth because you're just two completely different people, then a second date probably isn't warranted (notice I said "probably"). But if you have a good conversation but are still a little unsure, I do agree that it should be given a chance with another date to see what happens. A lot of people do expect to experience the head-over-heels fireworks when they meet "the one", but I think that's just Hollywood and just not realistic. Many long-term relationships take a little time to grow.

As for the girl who rejected me, it's entirely possible that her definition of chemistry was just physical attraction like you said. If it was, fine. If she ends up with the wrong guy in the long run because of short-sightedness, it's her issue and not mine. I'm not sure where you're getting the idea that I put her on a pedestal though. I knew I liked her qualities and was very interested, but at the same time I treated her like a human being. I simply wanted to get to know her better and date her further, but I didn't worship the ground she walked on or anything like that. That's something you should never, ever do anyway. It looks desperate and serves as a total attraction killer for women. Anyway, I just wanted to share that story with you to provide some insights into the much-disliked issue of dating rejection. From one man to another, I'm just trying to help.

The worst thing you can do is dwell on past rejections when you go out on dates in the future. Bitterness can be seen from miles away. Don't let your past experiences poison future opportunities. There has to be an awesome, attractive woman out there who appreciates everything that you have to offer. They are out there. I've met some in the past. There is a whole range of people out there from wonderful to downright evil. It just takes a while to find a diamond in the rough.
Good post and not much I can disagree with here.
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