Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Hello Everyone. I am new to the forum and I joined because I am hoping to get some input on my situation.
I would like to know how one would define a relationship where two people have been together for 2 years, living together for 8 months, who do not separate their money, they sleep together, She goes to college and works part time, she washes the clothes, cooks, cleans the house, pays all the bills, he helps raise and discipline her son,he helps make a lot of important life decisions for them both, they take care of each other, he works, buys and repairs the cars, does repairs to her house, they are very compatible, enjoy each others company and rarely argue, and they love each other a great deal. He is her best friend and they share everything. In other words they are a PERFECT match.
Sounds like a marriage. Does it not?
This is where I am confused. My boyfriend made it very clear to me that we were just "casual friends" and nothing more during the first big argument (in over a year,) we had last night when I joked that he was not very romantic. He thinks that just because he kisses me (a quick peck) before one of us leaves to go somewhere, or before we go to bed or have sex (he refuses to define our sex as lovemaking) and he rarely holds me, cuddles with me or hugs me, or holds my hand,and when he does those things they never last more than about 30 seconds and he is ready to get free. And our sex rarely lasts more than 5-10 minutes and afterward he is ready to get free of me. I was only joking (I was not complaining) and he got very offended and made that remark about us being nothing more than "casual friends". I believe he thinks I am applying pressure on him to be more romantic but I wasn't. Most women would not be satisfied with what I am getting so he is very lucky that I have loved him enough to settle for that. I really love this man and I can not tell him how it hurts me because instead of trying to console me he will just leave because he will consider it pressure and I don't believe he loves me enough to want to try to make things better. I don't want to lose my best friend because the only thing we lack is romance. And oh yeah, my self esteem is very low right now and I feel very unattractive because he never tells me he thinks I am beautiful.I have accepted the fact that it is not in his nature to give me compliments or romance me, but as a woman I need that from him every now and then. Most men consider me VERY ATTRACTIVE and even my ex husband told me that I looked beautiful when he came to pick up our son. So why is it so hard for my Boyfriend to tell me that?
I guess the next step is to detach myself so I don't get hurt if he leaves me over this, because I am not comfortable with being casual friends in the living arrangement we have. the next thing he will be telling me is that he wants to date other women as "casual friends."
So how should one really define our relationship? And what is the meaning of casual friends? Just friends having sex? (That is his definition.) Anyway, after the argument he went to bed very upset and here I am typing this at 5 am because I am so hurt and confused that I can't sleep..............
Hon, with all kindness intended, I think you need to look at this for what it is. You said you two are "a perfect match." No, you aren't--not even close. You want a real relationship. You want a man who wants you, who loves you, who wants you romantically.
Right now you are with a man who has used you for two years and still considers you "casual friends." You are good enough to have sex with (on his terms) when he wants to get off, but no way is he going to cuddle you or show affection. You're just a warm hole to stick it in. He'll split bills with you because it makes his rent cheaper.
Take your power back. You have choices in this situation too. You can't force him to love you when he doesn't and you can't force him to show affection for you when he doesn't feel any. You can, however, set the standard for what you need. Right now you are just a roommate he sleeps with. If you want a boyfriend, you need to ask him to move out and look for one. You don't have a boyfriend. You don't have a relationship. It doesn't matter if you're playing house together, because you don't have any of those things unless he enters into it willingly. He doesn't want any commitment with you. Pick up your pride and get out of this situation.
our sex rarely lasts more than 5-10 minutes and afterward he is ready to get free of me.
Quote:
Originally Posted by confused816
I don't want to lose my best friend because the only thing we lack is romance.
Quote:
Originally Posted by confused816
I feel very unattractive because he never tells me he thinks I am beautiful.I have accepted the fact that it is not in his nature to give me compliments or romance me,
He is not in love with you. He's there out of habit, for now, but rest assured he's not happy, and when the time is right, for him, he'll leave. This is the part you need to listen to...for him. This relationship is based solely on his will.
Quote:
Originally Posted by confused816
So how should one really define our relationship? .
As one that should be ended. ASAP. Have some self-respect and get out of there.
It sounds like a living arrangement and not a marriage or even a romantic pairing. How it got its genesis is not explained by you other than that you are "best friends". However the guy says that you are only "casual friends". Thus there is a problem between what each side is expecting from the arrangement.
If you guys got together to simply split expenses and to share a home for the economics and the benefits of having another person about, then you should accept that love was not going to be part of the contract. However if it was understood that you came together out of love and he has drifted away from that, sounds like time to end your arrangement.
If your roommate (casual friend) goes out with other women you really have nothing to complain about. If this is not what you want, you need to seek out someone else to have it. He is not interested in being that person. Sorry about that.
You can't change a person, and he is happy with the way things are. He doesn't want or need more. He has a woman that loves him, that he can have sex with whenever he wants, and that doesn't pressure him for more of a committment. Also, USUALLY casual friends don't have sex or live together. He is letting you know what the relationship means to him, which is not very much. If you are not willing to live with someone who does not value you get out.
Most women would not be satisfied with what I am getting so he is very lucky that I have loved him enough to settle for that.
This sums it up and speaks volumes about you. You speak of a perfect relationship when your "relationship" is anything but. Your post is very narcissistic and shows that much of the problem here is because of you, not him. If most women wouldn't settle for this, why are you? If you're so extremely attractive, why aren't you out there getting a man who will love you, cuddle you and give you what you want?
Talk about self-esteem issues... you stay with a man for two years when he dismisses you and your relationship as just FWB? Almost unbelivable.
But based on your post, you're not going to leave him, you're going to "settle" because you don't want to be alone. You obviously base your self-worth on having a man around, even an immature user like this guy is.
Walk out the door. If you think this is a good relationship, you've obviously never had a real man or known love. He doesn't love you and he makes it abundantly clear.
One more thing. You say, "I feel very unattractive because he never tells me he thinks I am beautiful."
LOL! Husbands or BF's don't necessarily have to say the words, they show they find you beautiful through actions. What kind of woman bases their self-worth on whether someone TELLS them they're beautiful? These words somehow validate your existence?
Sorry, it's just so shallow. You have a lot of issues and need to grow up A LOT before you even attempt to have a relationship,
It's hard to build a good relationship when you've never seen one before.
I get the feeling that you are checking things off your checklist; share money, share the bed - when maybe you have the wrong checklist.
In real estate you need a "ready, willing and able" buyer. It seems as if your boyfriend is none of these. Or maybe he has a past where he links relationship with pain.
I don't know the complicated details of you two, and people can be very complicated.
I just know that when my man puts his arm around me and says "your my girl", I am not thinking about whos car got fixed.
In Canada, you would be only 4 months away of being a common law married couple in the eyes of the revenue agency (would have to file taxes as a married couple). And 1 year away from being a married couple in all other senses (matrimonial home, common property). Check common law definition in your state.
Im sorry if I offend you but it is not intended to do so . I think you should walk away and find yourself a man who can commit to you he sounds like he has commitment issues . I also think you have very low self esteem and he makes you feel even worse about yourself by telling you that you are not a couple . Well since you are not a couple tell him roommates dont sleep together and he needs to find another place to live . I would not stay in this (whatever you want to call it , and you must seperate from him before he completely destroys you from ever having a good relationship and or marriage . Yes I think it is high time you get rid of him .
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
My boyfriend made it very clear to me that we were just "casual friends" and nothing more during the first big argument (in over a year,) we had last night when I joked that he was not very romantic. He thinks that just because he kisses me (a quick peck) before one of us leaves to go somewhere, or before we go to bed or have sex (he refuses to define our sex as lovemaking) and he rarely holds me, cuddles with me or hugs me, or holds my hand,and when he does those things they never last more than about 30 seconds and he is ready to get free. And our sex rarely lasts more than 5-10 minutes and afterward he is ready to get free of me. I was only joking (I was not complaining) and he got very offended and made that remark about us being nothing more than "casual friends". I believe he thinks I am applying pressure on him to be more romantic but I wasn't. Most women would not be satisfied with what I am getting so he is very lucky that I have loved him enough to settle for that. I really love this man and I can not tell him how it hurts me because instead of trying to console me he will just leave because he will consider it pressure and I don't believe he loves me enough to want to try to make things better. I don't want to lose my best friend because the only thing we lack is romance. And oh yeah, my self esteem is very low right now and I feel very unattractive because he never tells me he thinks I am beautiful.I have accepted the fact that it is not in his nature to give me compliments or romance me, but as a woman I need that from him every now and then. Most men consider me VERY ATTRACTIVE and even my ex husband told me that I looked beautiful when he came to pick up our son. So why is it so hard for my Boyfriend to tell me that?
