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Old 05-08-2011, 09:13 PM
 
311 posts, read 147,144 times
Reputation: 244
Default Bipolar ex-Girlfriend - questions

Hey there. This forum seems like a great place to explain my situation and seek some answers. In February, my girlfriend of 13 months left me. I'm trying to make sense out of it and I'm sure you folks could be of help.

Basically, we fell in love real fast. She was bipolar and pretty much told me of her troubled history which included molestation, drug use, struggling to figure out her sexuality, and a whole lot of sexual partners (we were 17 at the time, having had sex with 13 guys by your senior year of high school is not OK). But I didn't care, I sucked it all up. We were in love. We started talking about marriage, what we would name our future kids, where we plan on being when we get out of college, and so on. The love was sincere and strong. In the middle of our relationship, while I was on vacation in Europe for three weeks, she got drunk with some guy she considered a friend (she knew he wanted her though) and had sex with him. She claimed that her body said no but she wasn't in the right state of mind to avoid it. All she could do was laugh and only when it was all said and done and she sobered up did she realize what she had done. She cried to me about it and said she was sorry and she couldn't control it considering that she was drunk. I accepted her apology and didn't end the relationship. I loved her too much and I knew she loved me to. The next four months were great.

Then things got weird. We started talking less and it bothered me. She suggested I give her space but I was worried that doing so, she would love it so much she'd wanna break up. So I gave her a little space but then got back to talking to her regularly.

Some guy started visiting her at her job quite often. He was a few years older than her and she was a waitress at some restaurant. She told me he would constantly hit on her but she would tell him she has a boyfriend. She said she sensed he wanted to sleep with her and take her out to dinner and so on. I remember not worrying at all until she made a "joke" with a smile on her face. "But he's kinda cute, if I weren't dating you I might take him up on his offer."

Two weeks later she broke up with me. We ended on really, really bad terms. She now lives with her boyfriend, the guy who used to visit her at work and hit on her all the time. She told me when she was leaving that she was breaking up with me because I was no longer making her happy and that he was.

My question is this: is it possible that everything - the sudden loss of love for me, the cheating in the middle of the relationship, and leaving me - was a result of her being bipolar? Also, did she lie to me about not wanting the sex when she cheated? Should I have given her space when she asked for it or did she start losing love for me from then and thus, was there nothing I could do to stop it?

I can happily say I'm over her and I've managed to move on, but I've always been bothered by how troubling it was to make sense out of it all. Any analysis would be greatly appreciated.

Last edited by Virtual Insanity; 05-08-2011 at 09:29 PM..
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Old 05-08-2011, 09:28 PM
 
2,596 posts, read 2,443,523 times
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There is an important lesson or two to be learned in all of this. What happened to you sucks, to be sure. The only question is whether you will take something from it, or whether it will all have been for nothing.

Lesson #1: Ignoring red flags. I could tell from the first few sentences that this wasn't going to work. You said: "She was bipolar and pretty much told me of her troubled history which included molestation, drug use, struggling to figure out her sexuality, and a whole lot of sexual partners (we were 17 at the time, having had sex with 13 guys by your senior year of high school is not OK.)" This isn't to say that someone with this history can't turn things around and find happiness, but it takes years of work on one's self, and it sounds like you were merely the next in line rather than something different. Then she cheated on you and made excuses. You shrugged it off. Then she started hinting around about other guys and you ignored that too. You need to pay attention to red flags and see what is there, not what you wish was there.

Lesson #2: Not knowing what you want. You need to have an idea in mind of what you are looking for so that you will recognize it when you see it and walk away when it isn't what you want. When she slept with the first guy and you didn't do anything, that sent the clear message it would be fine for her to walk all over you. You had demonstrated you could be treated any old way, and it would be acceptable. Then she made the later comment. You didn't do a thing. Then you got dumped. I would suggest you decide what is acceptable to you and what isn't.
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Old 05-08-2011, 09:40 PM
 
311 posts, read 147,144 times
Reputation: 244
Quote:
Originally Posted by h886 View Post
Lesson #1: Ignoring red flags. I could tell from the first few sentences that this wasn't going to work. You said: "She was bipolar and pretty much told me of her troubled history which included molestation, drug use, struggling to figure out her sexuality, and a whole lot of sexual partners (we were 17 at the time, having had sex with 13 guys by your senior year of high school is not OK.)" This isn't to say that someone with this history can't turn things around and find happiness, but it takes years of work on one's self, and it sounds like you were merely the next in line rather than something different. Then she cheated on you and made excuses. You shrugged it off. Then she started hinting around about other guys and you ignored that too. You need to pay attention to red flags and see what is there, not what you wish was there.

Lesson #2: Not knowing what you want. You need to have an idea in mind of what you are looking for so that you will recognize it when you see it and walk away when it isn't what you want. When she slept with the first guy and you didn't do anything, that sent the clear message it would be fine for her to walk all over you. You had demonstrated you could be treated any old way, and it would be acceptable. Then she made the later comment. You didn't do a thing. Then you got dumped. I would suggest you decide what is acceptable to you and what isn't.
But she made me feel like I was a lot more than that. She told me things that even her closest friends didn't know about her. Guess I should've known that meant nothing.
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Old 05-08-2011, 09:46 PM
 
2,596 posts, read 2,443,523 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Virtual Insanity View Post
But she made me feel like I was a lot more than that. She told me things that even her closest friends didn't know about her. Guess I should've known that meant nothing.
Well, maybe it didn't mean nothing, but it didn't mean what you hoped it would mean. Those issues you listed were the huge big ticket problems standing in the way. You guys chose to ignore them, or really she did by not actively working to treat them and stop her self-destructive behavior and you condoned them, and instead focused on the 5% of things that didn't really matter. You can't ignore stuff that big and not expect it to bite you in the butt. Good potential relationship partners have their own stuff figured out. None of us are perfect and we all bring issues to the table, but your ex had far too much baggage she wasn't willing to face to ever make a good partner, at least until she took time off, worked on herself and committed to healing from what happened. You need to look for a girl who is ready to be a partner right then, not a fixer upper.
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Old 05-09-2011, 05:55 AM
 
311 posts, read 147,144 times
Reputation: 244
Quote:
Originally Posted by h886 View Post
Well, maybe it didn't mean nothing, but it didn't mean what you hoped it would mean. Those issues you listed were the huge big ticket problems standing in the way. You guys chose to ignore them, or really she did by not actively working to treat them and stop her self-destructive behavior and you condoned them, and instead focused on the 5% of things that didn't really matter. You can't ignore stuff that big and not expect it to bite you in the butt. Good potential relationship partners have their own stuff figured out. None of us are perfect and we all bring issues to the table, but your ex had far too much baggage she wasn't willing to face to ever make a good partner, at least until she took time off, worked on herself and committed to healing from what happened. You need to look for a girl who is ready to be a partner right then, not a fixer upper.
Yeah, I learned a lesson here. It's not my job to fix people and to help them out through tough situations if they themselves aren't completely devoted to helping themselves.
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Old 05-09-2011, 08:12 AM
 
Location: San Jose
160 posts, read 212,127 times
Reputation: 169
You turned into her buddy and not her "man". It's easy to do when a woman has been hurt. You want to make sure to "not hurt her" so you become softer toward her - like her girlfriend. A man would not put up with her bull****. A man would not "let" her flirt with someone else at work. A man would protect and stand up for his woman.
A woman will constantly test a man to see if he truly is a man. The "other guy" was a test and you failed. Repeatedly. She wanted you to go beat him up for her and instead you let her take care of herself. She probably feels like you let her go/didn't care while the other guy really worked hard and wanted her.
It's hard with women - especially when her relationships have been damaged - to hear what we really want. We talk in indirect messages while a man struggles to hear the direct message. What she calls love is probably more skewed by her molester and multiple partners. She probably had an even stronger desire to be protected than most, and you listened to her words instead of her heart.


I sometimes wonder how our species has even survived - we are so different.
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Old 05-09-2011, 08:16 AM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
43,277 posts, read 51,756,487 times
Reputation: 35443
Quote:
Originally Posted by Virtual Insanity View Post
Hey there. This forum seems like a great place to explain my situation and seek some answers. In February, my girlfriend of 13 months left me. I'm trying to make sense out of it and I'm sure you folks could be of help.

Basically, we fell in love real fast. She was bipolar and pretty much told me of her troubled history which included molestation, drug use, struggling to figure out her sexuality, and a whole lot of sexual partners (we were 17 at the time, having had sex with 13 guys by your senior year of high school is not OK). But I didn't care, I sucked it all up. We were in love. We started talking about marriage, what we would name our future kids, where we plan on being when we get out of college, and so on. The love was sincere and strong. In the middle of our relationship, while I was on vacation in Europe for three weeks, she got drunk with some guy she considered a friend (she knew he wanted her though) and had sex with him. She claimed that her body said no but she wasn't in the right state of mind to avoid it. All she could do was laugh and only when it was all said and done and she sobered up did she realize what she had done. She cried to me about it and said she was sorry and she couldn't control it considering that she was drunk. I accepted her apology and didn't end the relationship. I loved her too much and I knew she loved me to. The next four months were great.

Then things got weird. We started talking less and it bothered me. She suggested I give her space but I was worried that doing so, she would love it so much she'd wanna break up. So I gave her a little space but then got back to talking to her regularly.

Some guy started visiting her at her job quite often. He was a few years older than her and she was a waitress at some restaurant. She told me he would constantly hit on her but she would tell him she has a boyfriend. She said she sensed he wanted to sleep with her and take her out to dinner and so on. I remember not worrying at all until she made a "joke" with a smile on her face. "But he's kinda cute, if I weren't dating you I might take him up on his offer."

Two weeks later she broke up with me. We ended on really, really bad terms. She now lives with her boyfriend, the guy who used to visit her at work and hit on her all the time. She told me when she was leaving that she was breaking up with me because I was no longer making her happy and that he was.

My question is this: is it possible that everything - the sudden loss of love for me, the cheating in the middle of the relationship, and leaving me - was a result of her being bipolar? Also, did she lie to me about not wanting the sex when she cheated? Should I have given her space when she asked for it or did she start losing love for me from then and thus, was there nothing I could do to stop it?

I can happily say I'm over her and I've managed to move on, but I've always been bothered by how troubling it was to make sense out of it all. Any analysis would be greatly appreciated.

You can't "make sense" out of crazy.

Her behavior was very typical for some bipolar people.

Now that you know, I suggest you seek out mentally healthy women to date going forward.
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Old 05-09-2011, 08:24 AM
 
3,573 posts, read 3,052,455 times
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Yes, her behavior is very bi-polar and she will be like that maybe for life. They are very unpredictable and unreliable sometimes and can be very impulsive when it comes to sex. Also they can be very self-absorbed and self-centered so any little thing that disinterests them in you will be grounds for them to look elsewhere.

I suggest you find someone that is mentally healthy and chalk this up to a learning experience.

P.S. I'm not talking about ALL bi-polar people only this person since she sounds like what I described.
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Old 05-09-2011, 08:45 AM
 
Location: California
572 posts, read 895,687 times
Reputation: 456
My son married a bipolar girl and she cheated on him constantly...Not to mention RAGES and lies and erratic spending....This is the disease and it never goes away; medicine only controls it, but doesn't take it all away. I've known 3 people with this disorder and they're all the same!...Consider yourself lucky; go find a normal girl and for crying out loud, when the next girl mentions she's trying to "figure out her sexuality" how bout you RUN in the opposite direction, okie, dokie?
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Old 05-09-2011, 09:18 AM
 
3,573 posts, read 3,052,455 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hazel Eyes View Post
My son married a bipolar girl and she cheated on him constantly...Not to mention RAGES and lies and erratic spending....This is the disease and it never goes away; medicine only controls it, but doesn't take it all away. I've known 3 people with this disorder and they're all the same!...Consider yourself lucky; go find a normal girl and for crying out loud, when the next girl mentions she's trying to "figure out her sexuality" how bout you RUN in the opposite direction, okie, dokie?
Agree with your post! There are way too many red flags with her to even have a normal relationship. She will always be a hot mess and will go through men throughout her life.

I hope your son never had children with her and has moved on to a better relationship.
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