My friend is married to someone with constant ailments (wife, how to, marriage)

[Deja Vu Again]

I have a male friend (I'm female) which I have known for over 20 years. Over the years it seems like his wife either has some sort of accident, injury or sickness. We are talking about people in their 30's/40's not senior citizens.

They were separated for a couple of years but overall they have been married since 1997. I believe they were together years before they were married.

Now, keep in mind, these are only the things *I* know about, I am sure there is a lot more keeping with the pattern.

She had a leg clot several years ago due to birth control. She had to quit her job (not a bad thing anyway since she claims she was being abused by her boss and it was making her throw up every day before work) She was off her feet for weeks.

Then she had food poisoning something fierce while in Mexico, so bad that she had to be in the hospital for two weeks. She was sick for a LONG time after that. THey did test after test and couldn't find anything wrong with her even though she was still having "bathroom" issues for months afterward.

Then she "fell" in the middle of the night and sliced her face on a wall heater. This was due to the wrong blood pressure meds and it made her dizzy on the way to the bathroom. Apparantly, it was so bad, she had to get plastic surgery on her face.

Now she is getting surgery on BOTH hips. (I am not sure why) but she is in a lot of pain and can barely walk. if the surgery isn't a success, she will have both hips replaced. I'm guessing she is only around 42 years old...

There are numerous other issues that I can't remember but it's ALWAYS something.

THey also have a non-existent sex life and I am assuming it has a lot to do with her constant ailments (yes he confides in me about these things)

I realize people get sick but she seems to be an extremely fragile person and it creates a very dependent relationship on my friend. It just seems he is the caretaker and she is the one that needs to be taken care of...

Any ideas on this? Have you ever known people like this? Are there relationships based on this kind of dynamic (it's a kind of co-dependency)??

[superk]

Wow. Raises all sorts of red flags to me, since I've "been there, done that". I'm curious is she's ever been checked for certain neurological medical conditions?

[Deja Vu Again]

Originally Posted by superk

Wow. Raises all sorts of red flags to me, since I've "been there, done that". I'm curious is she's ever been checked for certain neurological medical conditions?

The issues are so diverse though... not neurological?

[mistygrl092]

Yes, and marriage vows, if worth anything, are for better or worse, in sickness and in health. An old friend of mine was struck with MS at age 22. She is now 51. Her husband has stood by her side the whole time and she is in sad shape. Prior to this, his former wife died of cancer. Some people have a bad hand dealt to them.

[purehuman]

Your friend chose to be with this woman....for a large number of years....He must love her, and the fact that she is so dependant on him is just the way it worked out....it could have been him that had the string of bad luck!He is more the caretaker, but not because he HAS to, but because he WANTS to.......for richer or for poorer, in SICKNESS and in health???

[max's mama]

To me, this sounds like an unfortunate example of someone who simply doesn't take good care of her health, her bones or her immune system. Illness can strike anyone, even with just bad luck, but what you are describing is telling me that she doesn't know how to build herself up (like leg clot during birth control, getting both hips replaced or falling due to blood pressure meds).

By the way, getting food poisoning in Mexico although common, is easily avoidable if you have a killer immune system. Your body has enough to fight off bacteria.

Her husband I'm sure loves his wife and chose to be with her through all of this, so there is nothing more that can be said about their marriage.

[20yrsinBranson]

Originally Posted by Deja Vu Again

I have a male friend (I'm female) which I have known for over 20 years. Over the years it seems like his wife either has some sort of accident, injury or sickness. We are talking about people in their 30's/40's not senior citizens.

They were separated for a couple of years but overall they have been married since 1997. I believe they were together years before they were married.

Now, keep in mind, these are only the things *I* know about, I am sure there is a lot more keeping with the pattern.

She had a leg clot several years ago due to birth control. She had to quit her job (not a bad thing anyway since she claims she was being abused by her boss and it was making her throw up every day before work) She was off her feet for weeks.

Then she had food poisoning something fierce while in Mexico, so bad that she had to be in the hospital for two weeks. She was sick for a LONG time after that. THey did test after test and couldn't find anything wrong with her even though she was still having "bathroom" issues for months afterward.

Then she "fell" in the middle of the night and sliced her face on a wall heater. This was due to the wrong blood pressure meds and it made her dizzy on the way to the bathroom. Apparantly, it was so bad, she had to get plastic surgery on her face.

Now she is getting surgery on BOTH hips. (I am not sure why) but she is in a lot of pain and can barely walk. if the surgery isn't a success, she will have both hips replaced. I'm guessing she is only around 42 years old...

There are numerous other issues that I can't remember but it's ALWAYS something.

THey also have a non-existent sex life and I am assuming it has a lot to do with her constant ailments (yes he confides in me about these things)

I realize people get sick but she seems to be an extremely fragile person and it creates a very dependent relationship on my friend. It just seems he is the caretaker and she is the one that needs to be taken care of...

Any ideas on this? Have you ever known people like this? Are there relationships based on this kind of dynamic (it's a kind of co-dependency)??

Some people have to be the center of attention. Most likely as a child her parents ignored her except when she was sick. So she learned that is the most effective way of getting attention.

Also, she is probably lazy and finds that if she is ILL then no one has any expectations of her. I know someone exactly like this (except she and her husband have been married for considerably more than 20 years), and he does EVERYTHING around the house, including cooking, dishes and ALL child care. She is too busy being ill, sick, injured or in pain to do anything.

Unfortunately, I had another acquaintance many years ago whose mother was this way. She finally badgered her physician into getting a colon biopsy which ultimately killed her when her colon was accidentally perforated during the procedure without the doctor realizing it. It was a most unfortunately and unpleasant albeit fitting demise.

The bottom line is that as long as your friend continues to be co-dependent and feeds this behavior, it will continue. It must serve him in some way or else he would not have stuck around this long. Just sayin'

20yrsinBranson

[mistygrl092]

Originally Posted by 20yrsinBranson

Some people have to be the center of attention. Most likely as a child her parents ignored her except when she was sick. So she learned that is the most effective way of getting attention.

Also, she is probably lazy and finds that if she is ILL then no one has any expectations of her. I know someone exactly like this (except she and her husband have been married for considerably more than 20 years), and he does EVERYTHING around the house, including cooking, dishes and ALL child care. She is too busy being ill, sick, injured or in pain to do anything.

Unfortunately, I had another acquaintance many years ago whose mother was this way. She finally badgered her physician into getting a colon biopsy which ultimately killed her when her colon was accidentally perforated during the procedure without the doctor realizing it. It was a most unfortunately and unpleasant albeit fitting demise.

The bottom line is that as long as your friend continues to be co-dependent and feeds this behavior, it will continue. It must serve him in some way or else he would not have stuck around this long. Just sayin'

20yrsinBranson

That's an interesting analysis, but marriage vows?

[20yrsinBranson]

Originally Posted by mistygrl092

That's an interesting analysis, but marriage vows?

Well, yes. There is that. You have a good point there.

20yrsinBranson

[sierraAZ]

Some people are just hypochondriacs. Since they love going to doctors and they take handfuls of medications initially for nothing, later they do develop one condition after another caused by the said meds. I know a couple of women of this nature (a mother and daughter actually).

And yes, that's how some get attention or use it as an excuse not to have sex but keep their marriages intact.