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So me and my boyfriend have been going out for 3 years now and we have a long distance relationship...he's in the US and I'm in New Zealand. We've been through everything together..lived together, started a business together, traveled together, been through thick and thin..and he's proposed to me a few times (kinda informal until he could afford a ring lol). I'm so in love with him and I know he loves me too.
However cos we're together for 3 months, then apart 3 months, we've had trust issues and he's cheated on me almost every time we've been apart...not to the point of sleeping with someone but still. He's at college and he's also got an alcohol addiction so it seems like he doesn't have the willpower to resist temptation. He's really hot and a football player and even though I believe him when he says he doesn't go out of his way to cheat on me...i know that he has a hard time resisting...
When he's with me he's the man of my dreams and treats me like a princess and wants to spend 24/7 with me which is way more intense then most guys i know lol... but when we're apart he's like a different person...he treats me badly and hardly ever wants to speak with me. He says its because talking to me makes him miss me and makes him sad. Some days he just seems to hate me or something and I haven't done anything at all! lol then randomly he'll be 'so in love and want to marry me' lol...I honestly feel like I'm dating 2 different people!!
Question #1 -
When he's with me he's amazing and I feel like he's being himself and it's the 'real him' but when he's apart he treats me badly for no reason, is untrustworthy and is inclined to cheat. Combined with that he's a compulsive liar and thinks that 'what I don't know won't hurt me' and that's ok with him. But despite this I'm so in love with him when he's with me..or at least in the same country as me lol
I don't know who's the real him or if it's even worth all this pain and anxiety of being apart and have to settle to being treated this way in order to be with the him I know again. He's planning to come to NZ after he graduates in a month. This is a big commitment and I don't know whether I should put up with this hurt I'm feeling or break up with him?
Question #2 -
I've tried No Contact for a couple of weeks and it worked....he tried contacting me telling me he loved me he missed me etc lol....but when I just played it cool and didn't get all 'lovey dovey' back at him he seemed offended and ever since he's been very distant and totally cold. It's the end of finals today and he's just gone out to a bunch of bars with these 'friends' who I know from FB are actually hot girls he likes...plus tomorrow all the seniors leave to go to the beach for a week...which I know involves a lot of drinking and sex...so I'm like really worried he's going to cheat and it just makes me stomach turn. I feel so helpless being so far away.
I'm scared that No Contact has pushed him away and given him the idea I'm not into him anymore so he might be tempted to cheat this weekend So I guess I'm asking what's the next step? I feel like he's given up on me and I'm scared if I do NC again he's just going to forget about me completely and I'll push him away further.
I know he still loves me deep down...but he's caught up in college life and I know that after he graduates he'll be all over me wanting me back...but in the meantime I'm pretty sure he thinks it's ok to cheat and I'll just take him back...
Sorry this is so long!! I'm new here so please be nice lol...any advice would be amazing!
Anybody who thinks "it's okay to cheat" isn't a good relationship candidate, particularly a long-distance relationship,. I feel like this should be obvious. Be with somebody who respects you. Somebody who cheats every single time he's on his own does not respect you. LDRs are tough enough to make work (I'm in one that began as an LDR and beat the odds and did work, so I do have a personal frame of reference on this)...and they're IMPOSSIBLE if that respect and trust isn't there. Does not bode well.
I also would not hold my breath for him to come to NZ. If his behavior patterns are being accurately described, this is not somebody who's going to take that kind of a leap for you. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but he doesn't sound reliable at all. Why do you want to be with somebody you admit is a compulsive liar? Do you WANT a life filled with hurt and distrust?
I will admit that I didn't read your entire post. I stopped reading where you typed that he cheated on you whenever you were apart from him, and has trust issues.
Why would you be with someone who consistently cheats on you, regardless of the situation? All you're doing is hurting yourself.
Thanks for your advice, you guys are both right...I guess I just needed to hear it from someone else as lame as that sounds...it's just difficult when you're still in love and it feels like you're chucking everything away... but you're right, and much as it hurts
Even though it may seem obvious that I need to break up with him , it is so hard and confusing when I feel like I'm dating 2 different people lol ...how can the same person be so extreme and say they want to marry me etc and then the next day treat me badly? it's so confusing...i know there's probably other people stuck in this situation too....it's like the good is so incredibly good and the bad is so bad....
anyway I know you're both right so thanks for your help! xx
Thanks for your advice, you guys are both right...I guess I just needed to hear it from someone else as lame as that sounds...it's just difficult when you're still in love and it feels like you're chucking everything away... but you're right, and much as it hurts
Even though it may seem obvious that I need to break up with him , it is so hard and confusing when I feel like I'm dating 2 different people lol ...how can the same person be so extreme and say they want to marry me etc and then the next day treat me badly? it's so confusing...i know there's probably other people stuck in this situation too....it's like the good is so incredibly good and the bad is so bad....
anyway I know you're both right so thanks for your help! xx
When you meet a guy that doesn't have trust issues and doesn't cheat on you, you'll feel much better, and you'll know who he is 100% of the time because he won't seem like 2 people.
He has to study for classes. He has to prepare for football games. He is thousands of miles from his squeeze. And you get upset because it seems he may have something else on his mind besides you? You said in the OP that he HASNT cheated/slept with anyone else but he is "tempted." Dang girl! What man isnt? Even Jimmy Carter had lust in his heart. What I get from your post is that you are a desperate,needy young lady. It isnt all about you all the time. Geez! If my gal wanted to break up with me for something I "might" do, I'd help her pack and say see ya biatch!
Yea you're totally right...its just so hard to see sense when you're stuck in love with someone who isn't truly being honest or respectful yet they can somehow make you fall in love with them and believe in something that maybe wasn't even really real in the first place...but by the time they show their true colors it's too late...you're already committed yourself and in love...! lol it sucks..
anyway thanks for your help, I really appreciate it and you're totally right...xx
He has to study for classes. He has to prepare for football games. He is thousands of miles from his squeeze. And you get upset because it seems he may have something else on his mind besides you? You said in the OP that he HASNT cheated/slept with anyone else but he is "tempted." Dang girl! What man isnt? Even Jimmy Carter had lust in his heart. What I get from your post is that you are a desperate,needy young lady. It isnt all about you all the time. Geez! If my gal wanted to break up with me for something I "might" do, I'd help her pack and say see ya biatch!
No, I said he has cheated...quite a few times...though never actually had sex...as far as I know..
I consider making out with other girls, messing around in bed with his ex girlfriend and (doing other stuff that most people would consider cheating)...as cheating. It honestly doesn't bother me if he checks out other girls or has a harmless flirt..
I'm not desperate and I've given him plenty of space... for the last month I've mostly only talked to him when he's talked to me first...
I posted this because I just wanted to hear other peoples' opinions on whether I should break up with him now or just 'wait' for him like he wants me too (every time I've tried to break up with me he's begged me to come back) but then just disrespects me and continues to be untrustworthy.
It may seem pathetic to some, but you don't know it feels like until you're actually stuck in a situation like this...
but everyones right...I need to just break up for good... i shouldn't put up with disrespect and crap just in the hopes he'll go back to the man I knew when we're together again...
so thanks everyone for your help, I really appreciate it!
This is another reason LDRs don't work in aggregate. Romantic relationships are meant to be physical, attempting these remote constructs for a long time is self-imposed misery. I'm not condoning cheating, just agree to not be each other's item until there comes a time where you can actually have a relationship.LDRs are like the "if a tree falls in the forest.." analogy. I can get moral support from my sister, father and mother without having to be celibate and lonely for them. LDRs are dumb....
People put too high a bar on the whole LDR thing too. Two people who never get tested on their fidelity are viewed by the world as Romeo and Juliet, but the suckers that try to hold on to their monogamy through an academic "relationship" over the phone are all of a sudden the scum of the earth when human need for contact gets the best of them. People need to set themselves up for success a little more honestly. LDRs are self-imposed misery. I need a physical partner, not a penpal. I have filial relationships that transcend physical proximity. I need a body to keep me warm at night (proverbially speaking).
The other one that people get stuck on are the "open-ended" term LDRs. You need to make very specific and very impatient goals for the culmination of the long distance portion of the relationship. If you can't be with this person full time within one calendar year (assuming not a military deployed circumstance where the proximity has already been established prior to the separation), you're gonna get burned. Life's tough, don't make it tougher on yourself following aspirations you cannot afford. It doesn't make you evil to recognize that, it makes you mature and honest.
This is another reason LDRs don't work in aggregate. Romantic relationships are meant to be physical, attempting these remote constructs for a long time is self-imposed misery. I'm not condoning cheating, just agree to not be each other's item until there comes a time where you can actually have a relationship.LDRs are like the "if a tree falls in the forest.." analogy. I can get moral support from my sister, father and mother without having to be celibate and lonely for them. LDRs are dumb....
People put too high a bar on the whole LDR thing too. Two people who never get tested on their fidelity are viewed by the world as Romeo and Juliet, but the suckers that try to hold on to their monogamy through an academic "relationship" over the phone are all of a sudden the scum of the earth when human need for contact gets the best of them. People need to set themselves up for success a little more honestly. LDRs are self-imposed misery. I need a physical partner, not a penpal. I have filial relationships that transcend physical proximity. I need a body to keep me warm at night (proverbially speaking).
The other one that people get stuck on are the "open-ended" term LDRs. You need to make very specific and very impatient goals for the culmination of the long distance portion of the relationship. If you can't be with this person full time within one calendar year (assuming not a military deployed circumstance where the proximity has already been established prior to the separation), you're gonna get burned. Life's tough, don't make it tougher on yourself following aspirations you cannot afford. It doesn't make you evil to recognize that, it makes you mature and honest.
Good luck to all
Hi, thanks for your insight I really appreciate your insight and it makes me feel a bit better and understand more easily why it fell apart.
The last time we were together was the end of January, and we are usually together 6 months out of a year. It's just suddenly deteriorated this time. It's just not being able to handle the LDR and trust issues and not having physical contact is really tough.
Nobody's perfect and we've all done bad things and things we regret even though we're not bad people, and I know he's a good man and does truly love me but LDR can do funny things to people and usually brings out the worst in people if they're not 100% solid to start with...or they haven't had enough time together to start with to get to truly know each other first...
Anyway..that still doesn't mean its ok to put myself through it...it's so tough when you fall in love with someone who has to go back home overseas! lol
thanks for all your help!
x
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So I guess I'm asking what's the next step? I feel like he's given up on me and I'm scared if I do NC again he's just going to forget about me completely and I'll push him away further.
