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Old 05-20-2011, 03:53 PM
 
Location: NC
179 posts, read 293,520 times
Reputation: 119

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here's the long and short of it.

I'm in my late 20's he's mid 30's. For 10 years we've had a mutual attraction and raging chemistry. We live hours and states away from each other. We've never tried to make a go of it LD b/c it's not practical Neither of us are in a position to move to where the other person is at this time, but the future is promising for that. We have continued to date other people, but when we see each other the sparks are... well they're not sparks... they are full on sonic booms. Our chemistry is contagious. People who have never met us before can see it and have commented on it. It's kind of like a fairytale. We see each other a few days a year at a conference. We keep contact when we are not at the conference (at various levels depending on our respective relationship status-- phone calls, texts, emails, fb, etc)

This year at the conference we both happened to be single and we spent the weekend together joined at the hip. We spent almost every moment together from our arrival to our departure. We knew the other persons needs/wants without communicating them and acted on those needs. For the first time we addressed some of our feelings for each other, talked about the realities involved, admitted it was something we both wanted, but agreed that a LDR just. isn't. practical.

I don't know about him, but I have spent years rationalizing why a R with him wouldn't work. There are some substantial differences in our personalities and lifestyles that may or may not impact a R, that may or may not be as detrimental as I have made them out to be in my own mind. In the past, if one or both of us was in a relationship, we limited our interaction out of respect for the other persons R... but we always left each conference with the same feelings.... the build up of seeing each other and the letdown of leaving.

Even though we do not have a LDR, even though we have been down this road before, even though it's impractical, something happened this year that made me realize I want to be with him. I want to spend my life with him. and I want to do it asap. I don't want to be with other people. Despite all the differences, the rationalizations and justifications I provided melted away this year. I don't know what is different about it...

But I just found out he has reconciled with his exgf and I'm sad and I know y'all are going to say I can't be disappointed and you're right. You're totally right. It's not like I didn't expect he (and maybe me) would date other people, I did. I am just.... disappointed that things aren't going the way I wanted. That him dating her again somehow means I'm more invested than he is.

There is a distinct conflict in my brain. I am aware of it! I cannot in good faith say I do not want an LDR and then somehow expect him not to date anyone until one of us is in a position where we can conceivably move. I know that... I just have been on this "high" from seeing him that I thought maybe we would just... wait it out.

Anyway, that was way too long. I should go back and edit a bunch of crap out. I want to give enough detail that I make sense without giving too much unnecessary info.

What do you say? fuggehdabaddit? go for it? see what happens? live life in the moment and date someone if they come along? or just shut the hell up
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Old 05-20-2011, 03:58 PM
 
Location: The D-M-V area
13,691 posts, read 18,380,586 times
Reputation: 9595
You've both got separate lives.

You see each other only at the conference.

Both have to be equally invested in something to make it work.

And... he's reconciling with his EX-girlfriend.

What do you think it's worth?
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Old 05-20-2011, 04:01 PM
 
18,837 posts, read 37,243,860 times
Reputation: 26458
I did a long distance relationship for two years...and felt like I was putting more into it than he was...finally, it was time to make a choice, he said he would move to my town...then he bailed on me. Fine, no big deal...but I was stuck with a large apt, with a one year lease. Now, he calls back, tells me he made a huge mistake...blah..blah...I told him to call me when he moves here...

So, I would suggest to you, to move on with your life. And pick up with him when he moves to your town.

The issue with LDR, is that they are always wonderful..you see the person, and it is like a vacation...but when it is real...it usually falls apart...and if he really was into you, he would have called you and asked you to move to where he lives to see if things could have worked out...he never did that...

Last edited by jasper12; 05-20-2011 at 04:05 PM.. Reason: edit.
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Old 05-20-2011, 04:13 PM
 
Location: Over There
402 posts, read 1,403,870 times
Reputation: 779
Lightbulb *You cannot see what is in front of you as long as you are focused on the past.*

Quote:
Originally Posted by aroux View Post
. . . when we see each other the sparks are... well they're not sparks... they are full on sonic booms. . . . spent the weekend together joined at the hip. . . .We knew the other persons needs/wants without communicating them and acted on those needs. . . There are some substantial differences in our personalities and lifestyles that may or may not impact a R, that may or may not be as detrimental . . . . But I just found out he has reconciled with his exgf . . .I'm more invested than he is. . . . I thought maybe we would just... wait it out. . . . fuggehdabaddit? . . . live life in the moment and date someone if they come along . . .

If you read your edited post, it is clear.
1) You have a physical attraction.
2) Your personalities and lifestyles are substantially different.
3) You live a long distance from each other.
4) He has a girlfriend, whom he dated previously.
5) You waited.
6) He didn't.
7) It's time to move on to a better match.

*You cannot see what is in front of you as long as you are focused on the past.*
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Old 05-20-2011, 04:20 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,218 posts, read 100,414,744 times
Reputation: 40197
Quote:
Originally Posted by aroux View Post
here's the long and short of it.

I'm in my late 20's he's mid 30's. For 10 years we've had a mutual attraction and raging chemistry. We live hours and states away from each other. We've never tried to make a go of it LD b/c it's not practical Neither of us are in a position to move to where the other person is at this time, but the future is promising for that. We have continued to date other people, but when we see each other the sparks are... well they're not sparks... they are full on sonic booms. Our chemistry is contagious. People who have never met us before can see it and have commented on it. It's kind of like a fairytale. We see each other a few days a year at a conference. We keep contact when we are not at the conference (at various levels depending on our respective relationship status-- phone calls, texts, emails, fb, etc)

This year at the conference we both happened to be single and we spent the weekend together joined at the hip. We spent almost every moment together from our arrival to our departure. We knew the other persons needs/wants without communicating them and acted on those needs. For the first time we addressed some of our feelings for each other, talked about the realities involved, admitted it was something we both wanted, but agreed that a LDR just. isn't. practical.

I don't know about him, but I have spent years rationalizing why a R with him wouldn't work. There are some substantial differences in our personalities and lifestyles that may or may not impact a R, that may or may not be as detrimental as I have made them out to be in my own mind. In the past, if one or both of us was in a relationship, we limited our interaction out of respect for the other persons R... but we always left each conference with the same feelings.... the build up of seeing each other and the letdown of leaving.

Even though we do not have a LDR, even though we have been down this road before, even though it's impractical, something happened this year that made me realize I want to be with him. I want to spend my life with him. and I want to do it asap. I don't want to be with other people. Despite all the differences, the rationalizations and justifications I provided melted away this year. I don't know what is different about it...

But I just found out he has reconciled with his exgf and I'm sad and I know y'all are going to say I can't be disappointed and you're right. You're totally right. It's not like I didn't expect he (and maybe me) would date other people, I did. I am just.... disappointed that things aren't going the way I wanted. That him dating her again somehow means I'm more invested than he is.

There is a distinct conflict in my brain. I am aware of it! I cannot in good faith say I do not want an LDR and then somehow expect him not to date anyone until one of us is in a position where we can conceivably move. I know that... I just have been on this "high" from seeing him that I thought maybe we would just... wait it out.

Anyway, that was way too long. I should go back and edit a bunch of crap out. I want to give enough detail that I make sense without giving too much unnecessary info.

What do you say? fuggehdabaddit? go for it? see what happens? live life in the moment and date someone if they come along? or just shut the hell up

You snooze, you lose.

While you were busy overthinking this, he got together with someone else (though I'm betting that's temporary).

How many times in your life do you really expect to have this kind of chemistry with someone? It does not come along every day.

Go the LDR route and see what happens - you have nothing to lose and everything to gain!

Love isn't practical - quit trying to make it so.
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Old 05-20-2011, 04:46 PM
 
2,596 posts, read 5,569,092 times
Reputation: 3996
Several thoughts. First, what I read in your posting sounds rather one-sided. How can you be so sure that these "sonic booms" were really in place for him too? Even strangers commenting on it does little to convince me. There are people I think would be great together, but often circumstances or desires don't line up to make it work. It could be that you're seeing what you want to, rather than what is. That's so tempting to do, especially when you have a fantasy crush--someone you only rarely see that you don't really know. It's easy for your head to fill in all the parts with what you want to believe rather than what is.

I would also ask you to consider whether (if there is attraction on his end) you might like him significantly more than he likes you. This guy has been dating others over the past 10 years, right? Could it be that he sees you as the material for a potential fling? A romp in the sack a few times a year and nothing more? Since you admit that you two remain in contact whether you're in relationships with other people or not, I have to question whether his intentions are really that noble. Is it possible he's just looking for someone else to have fun with on the side, rather than you being the fated one that destiny has brought to him?

So, at this point you need to decide what to do. You've spent 10 years hung up on this guy. Yes, you've dated others, but can anyone else really be given a fair chance when you've got Mr. Mystery waiting in the wings for the sultry looks across the conference room? I would either poop or get off the pot. Either you move to be with him (which isn't going to work since he has a GF) or I would stop talking to him entirely. Or, you can keep up the current arrangement, which I suspect will result in a lot of pining on your part, some trysts where he gets to have a little fun with you until he finally meets a woman he wants to marry and settle down with, in which case you end up sad and feeling that you wasted a lot of time.

Or, maybe you move to be with him and it works, but I would ask yourself if these feelings you have are so special, why is neither of you willing to do a thing to make a potential relationship work? Relationships are hard. They require commitment and sacrifice. If neither of you is even willing to relocate (a fairly simple thing), I kind of doubt you have what it takes to make it in the long haul. Sounds like it's not all that special.
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Old 05-20-2011, 04:53 PM
 
Location: NC
179 posts, read 293,520 times
Reputation: 119
@ jasper, we've talked about moving. without TMI, moving at this moment is not an option.. things look good for that possibility in the future however.

@ justin, your edit is funny to read. that made me smile. lol in the grand scheme of semantics, i didn't say our lives were substantially different, i said there were some substantial differences.

@ mountains, as always your advice is nail-on-head and i agree that him getting back together is temporary. it was just kind of a downer and i've been kind of overly emotional recently.

it's good to see how other people view this. the problem with being so introspective is i see both sides, lol. thanks for chilling me out--- everyone. perhaps some changes are in order if/when the new/ex gf (?) is out of the picture.
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Old 05-20-2011, 05:28 PM
 
Location: USA
30,608 posts, read 21,763,953 times
Reputation: 18863
Quote:
Originally Posted by aroux View Post
it's good to see how other people view this. the problem with being so introspective is i see both sides, lol. thanks for chilling me out--- everyone. perhaps some changes are in order if/when the new/ex gf (?) is out of the picture.
He might be available again but keep your options open, especially if you want to start a family!

What are those big differences anyway? He's a Dem Your a Rep?
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Old 05-20-2011, 06:07 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,218 posts, read 100,414,744 times
Reputation: 40197
Quote:
Originally Posted by LS Jaun View Post
He might be available again but keep your options open, especially if you want to start a family!

What are those big differences anyway? He's a Dem Your a Rep?
What, don't you believe in mixed marriages??
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Old 05-20-2011, 06:29 PM
 
Location: NC
179 posts, read 293,520 times
Reputation: 119
@h886, i understand your concern about it being one-sided. we have discussed our mutual feelings. he gets terribly jealous when he knows i've started dating someone. i have never behaved in a jealous manner towards him when he is dating someone, i usually wish him well, and he called me out on it. he's asked me about moving, i've asked him about moving. again w/o giving TMI, moving for either of us at this time is not feasible. i'm not sure what is "fairly simple" about a relocation in any event. there will be a time, in the foreseeable future where moving is possible and practical, but that time is not now.

as i've mentioned, when one of us has a SO (sometimes they've come to the conference with us and we've met) we do not spend time alone together, we engage in casual chit-chat, we do not share meals together, we do not take a cab together, we maintain boundaries with each other. and yes, although we may communicate with each other when an SO is in the picture, we cut communication back, we don't talk about "us." again, we keep boundaries. neither of us wants to be a "home-wrecker," if you will, we respect that the other person is in a relationship. which is why i wouldn't, say, call him up tonight and be like "i've decided i want a LDR with you. i can't stand it any more." if such a conversation ever happens it would only happen if we were both single.

it is precisely because relationships are so hard and so much work when you live in the same city as someone, that trying to deal with a relationship that is hours apart isn't something we really want... i mean, it sucks that we live far apart. i know in the past i have "dealt with it" just fine, in part by listing every possible bad reason, in part by dating other people, and in part by knowing we're just living our own lives and that's much easier to deal with then trying to have a relationship over skype, not being able to have dinner with him, not being able to snuggle with him, not being able to wake up together. i really don't know what changed from before, other than the realization that there is a specific time in the foreseeable future where moving is an option for one of us.


@ jaun, i want to have a family of 2, and our cats. no kiddies for me, so that is not a factor.

the big differences are: educational/financial/spiritual and TMI. if we were artists-- one of us would be a pollock, one a michelangelo; actually, wow... that's a perfect analogy for everything.
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