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Old 05-24-2011, 09:53 AM
 
30,952 posts, read 19,188,137 times
Reputation: 15118

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Quote:
Originally Posted by cjb1514 View Post
That explains why our sex life is non existant. Once a month for a 22 year old is not doing it for me I'm sorry.
Bwah hah hah hah.

You are either trolling or hopeless in ignoring HUGE glaring warning signs.

Go ahead and marry her, you will have no one to blame but yourself for years of misery. The thing is, you KNOW something is really really wrong here but are unable to break past the mental barrier to embrace reality.

It's like battered wife syndrome where she does things that hurt you yet you keep explaining it away when clearly they are not the actions of someone that loves you.

Sorry if you don't like the harsh tone but you have a majorly disfunctional relationship that you aren't working on but are headed into marriage.

 
Old 05-24-2011, 10:27 AM
 
Location: USA
9,909 posts, read 5,292,061 times
Reputation: 7411
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mathguy View Post
Bwah hah hah hah.

You are either trolling or hopeless in ignoring HUGE glaring warning signs.

Go ahead and marry her, you will have no one to blame but yourself for years of misery. The thing is, you KNOW something is really really wrong here but are unable to break past the mental barrier to embrace reality.

It's like battered wife syndrome where she does things that hurt you yet you keep explaining it away when clearly they are not the actions of someone that loves you.

Sorry if you don't like the harsh tone but you have a majorly disfunctional relationship that you aren't working on but are headed into marriage.
Right, Right and Right!
Be a man dude and take control of your life. Tell her like it is and tell her to keep on having gay fantasies about some pudgy band member as you head out the door!
 
Old 05-24-2011, 10:34 AM
 
3,098 posts, read 2,234,902 times
Reputation: 3641
Quote:
Originally Posted by cjb1514 View Post
Cool it buddy that's my fiance your talking about. Lets be a little sensitive on the words being used. I do appreciated the feedback but please I'm very protective over her.
dude you a drowning in a river of denial, we are just trying to offer you a life jacket before its too late.
 
Old 05-25-2011, 02:19 AM
 
11,000 posts, read 7,204,830 times
Reputation: 8262
Is she getting money for these stories? Who buys them?

One time I was watching Celebrity Apprentice and was watching how the gay dude from Survivor, Richard Hatch, was getting flak from the baseball player guy, Jose Canseco, and so I started writing a story about how Jose was secretly hot for Richard and wanted him off the team because he couldn't stand the tension. Anyway, I started the story, but never finished it. Maybe I should finish it and see if someone will buy it.
 
Old 05-25-2011, 02:39 AM
 
Location: state of procrastination
3,458 posts, read 3,711,579 times
Reputation: 2722
I see nothing wrong with what she is doing. Men do it all the time in their head fantasizing about lesbians. Pay more attention to her instead of watching TV.
 
Old 05-25-2011, 06:29 AM
 
2,596 posts, read 2,742,983 times
Reputation: 3880
It sounds like she is taking this hobby too far. Writing fan fiction is not a bad thing in and of itself. Many people enjoy writing as a hobby and the vast majority of people will never have the talent level necessary to get something published. So it can be a great outlet to express yourself creatively and meet others who have similar interests.

However, in this case, your girlfriend has lost her sense of perspective on what is reasonable and allowed it to become an obsession. Constantly checking her phone is not healthy. Letting it occupy every waking minute of your time together isn't healthy. You've said you don't want to break it off, but think about that carefully. I would at least sit down to have a serious talk with her. If you express concerns and she dismisses them and calls you an a-hole? That's not a good sign for the future of the relationship.

I wouldn't worry as much about the content of what she's writing, so long as it's not something morally corrupt. Many people write about things they would never actually do themselves--it's kind of the fun of inventing a new world. The fact that she's writing about real live people rather than book characters or TV characters would be the more controversial thing to some.
 
Old 05-25-2011, 06:33 AM
 
2,596 posts, read 2,742,983 times
Reputation: 3880
Quote:
Originally Posted by cjb1514 View Post
could it be she writes it because she's good at it? her online friends encourage her so she gets a high off that? either way it's not fair for me. I'm supposed to get over it manage to have a relationship with a girl that stares at her phone 80% of the time. I need more attention then that or am I being clingy?
Yes, that's probably a considerable part of it. The truth is, only a very small percentage of the population has the talent to get a book or story published. Even among talented writers who have the ability to write an entire novel or complete a decent story, the vast majority get rejected by the publishers and never see it into print. So for many, finding other outlets for their creativity is a good thing. Fan fiction can be a way to connect with others who share the same interest as you.

However, I think you're right that she's carried this too far. What she's doing in and of itself is not the problem, but rather that she's turned it into an obsession instead of a hobby. Staring at the phone 80% of the time is not okay. Making you feel like you come second to a hobby is not okay. I would tell her the same thing if she was posting about how you were obsessed with fantasy football, or going to baseball games, or talking to your friends on Facebook.

The bigger issue is that if she cannot recognize that her behavior is hurting you, or worse, doesn't care enough to fix it, you need to question whether you two are ready to get married. This issue is small fry compared to some of what you will face in your lifetime. If her reaction when you're upset is to tell you to stuff it, your marriage has no shot.
 
Old 05-25-2011, 09:51 AM
Status: "Meanest zen master" (set 14 days ago)
 
8,834 posts, read 5,060,244 times
Reputation: 17080
Although I usually agree with you h886, I am going to have to disagree about the content not being a concern. This is not about writing.

If she was writing multifaceted short stories or blogging or something, that would be very different.

I think the fact that she is consumed with one narrow subject only, and constantly, this is a true obsession. And the fact that it is porn, is tapping into another part of the brain that goes well beyond a hobby.

Coupled with the lack of intimacy the couple is experiencing, I daresay that the OPs fiancee is substituting the good feelings she gets from her SO for the more predictable and easily summoned good feelings she gets from this activity. She may have intimacy issues or a chemical imbalance like dysthymia.
 
Old 05-25-2011, 10:43 AM
 
2,596 posts, read 2,742,983 times
Reputation: 3880
Quote:
Originally Posted by zentropa View Post
Although I usually agree with you h886, I am going to have to disagree about the content not being a concern. This is not about writing.

If she was writing multifaceted short stories or blogging or something, that would be very different.

I think the fact that she is consumed with one narrow subject only, and constantly, this is a true obsession. And the fact that it is porn, is tapping into another part of the brain that goes well beyond a hobby.

Coupled with the lack of intimacy the couple is experiencing, I daresay that the OPs fiancee is substituting the good feelings she gets from her SO for the more predictable and easily summoned good feelings she gets from this activity. She may have intimacy issues or a chemical imbalance like dysthymia.
Perhaps I wasn't clear enough in my posts. I thought I had written that I was concerned it was an obsession as well, because of the degree to which it had been carried out, but when I post too early in the morning sometimes the caffeine hasn't yet kicked in . Sorry if I wasn't clear on that. I do agree it's problematic.

As for the content itself, many women enjoy reading romance novels (which get to the point some would consider pornographic) or other erotic materials. It bothers me far more that she is writing about real live people, rather than just fantasy characters, than it does that there is some sexuality was involved. I consider that to be an invasion of privacy in the way that it's often done by fans who go too far. Many of the women who write romance novels and even erotica are mothers, church-goers, regular members of society. Considering how many millions of romance novels are sold each year (it's the biggest percentage of the book-selling market), it' clear there are many who enjoy reading that sort of thing.

However, I absolutely agree with you that when any hobby has gotten to the point that it's interfering with a real life relationship, it's gone too far. For her to constantly check her phone, etc, to stay in contact with online friends, that would be problematic behavior whether we were talking about Facebook, or anything else. She needs to address this for sure.
 
Old 05-25-2011, 10:59 AM
 
Location: Emerald Coast, FL
4,493 posts, read 3,986,542 times
Reputation: 6970
I don't have any good suggestions for this issue, so I'll just throw out some of the dubious ones that cross my mind:

- pretend to develop an obsession for lesbian porn and watch it whenever she's around
- bring home a gay lover - it may refocus her interest on you rather than this gay band fantasy or whatever it is
- totally ignore the behavior and her until she notices that there's a problem (this could take awhile)
- have an undisturbed conversation with her (no electronics allowed) about the damage you feel this is doing to your relationship
- ask her to go to counselling with you
- stop being a puppy-in-love doormat and work on the relationship and insist she do so as well

Good luck!
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